Chapter Two

Callie

Have you ever sat back and wondered how the hell your life got to the point it is, you can pinpoint the exact moment it all turned to shit, and no matter how hard you try to make excuses for it nothing changes? I wish, with everything I have, that I could change that one moment; it’s my biggest regret. I lost almost everyone who ever meant anything to me that night, and even though I’ve tried to make it right I can’t bring him back from the dead. My brother was my everything and he’s gone because of me. People always say ’It’s not your fault’- what a load of shit. If he wasn’t coming to save me it wouldn’t have happened. The guilt I carry about how he didn’t get to be around for his daughter, or be the support his girlfriend needed, eats me alive every day.

“Hi, my name is Callie and I’m an addict. I’ve been sober for five years today. I never thought I had a drug addiction. It started with a few pain pills and my life spiralled downhill from there. My brother died in my arms because of my addiction, that gun was aimed at me. I never believed that before you died everything happens in slow motion, but it’s true; everything happened frame by frame. I stood there, motionless, and watched. Maybe I was just extremely high, but I can still see the bullet leaving the gun and my brother screaming ‘NO!!’ and shielding me with his body. I have nightmares where I see him in my arms and there was so much blood; I couldn’t stop the bleeding.”

Someone hands me a tissue; my story never gets any easier to share. To say I’ve been the worst daughter, sister, aunt, friend, and mother to my son is an understatement. In the three years leading up to my brother’s death I abused more drugs and alcohol than I can remember, and if I’m being honest I don’t remember a single day from the day my brother was shot until the day I decided to become sober.

I lost custody of my son just after Billy was shot, when it became clear to my ex-husband and my son’s father just how bad my drug use was. I tried to hide it from everyone before that, I thought I could just stop whenever I wanted to, it didn’t control me. But I was so very wrong, my addiction had me like a puppet on strings, dictating which direction my life went in.

Walking away from the NA meeting, I feel better after talking with my sponsor Olivia. She’s an older lady, in her mid-fifties. All those years ago when I walked in here, alone and with nowhere left to turn, she took me in her arms and said, ‘I’m not going to lie to you, baby girl, this road isn’t easy but you have a friend in me. I’ll be a set of ears when you need someone to listen, a helping hand when you need a hand up, a loving set of arms when you need someone to hold you, and I’ll tell you everything will be okay.’

The meeting finished a bit earlier than usual, so I head to the little coffee shop just around the corner. I have to meet my son, Beau, in an hour. I pick up a newspaper while I wait for my coffee.

ROCKER EDDIE DIAMOND FLIPS OUT

The headline for the front cover of today’s paper catches my attention. Why do they put this shit on front covers like people care, where’s the real news? People like him really get under my skin —all the money in the world and he ends up in newspapers because of a drug binge. Call me a hypocrite, but I didn’t come from money, I wish I did. The number of times I wished I could have afforded rehab, even that is a damn excuse I still tell myself. I throw the paper in the trash. When the young girl brings me my coffee, I decide to take a walk and clear my mind. Some days are easy and some are hard, especially days I see Beau. Seeing him reminds me of what a bad mother I was to him, that the drugs were more important than my own child. I know he still remembers a lot of what happened. He says he’s okay now, but I can see how much he holds back. I can tell it still plays on his mind and I don’t blame him, I let him down so many times. I remember when, not long after my brother’s death, I was placed on suicide watch. After a month in hospital you’d think I would have wanted to stay clean, that looking my baby in the eyes the day I got released would have been enough, hugging him…but it wasn’t. When I was walking from that hospital, the feelings and memories hit me hard, I thought I was okay.

It was worse when, at twenty-nine years of age, I had to admit I had a problem, wanted help, and needed to live with my sister. She says she doesn’t blame me for our brother’s death, but how can she not when on top of that she took me in and helped me get sober. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d wiped her hands of me after our brother’s death a few years prior to asking for her help, I put her through so much. I owe her my life —if she hadn’t helped me, god knows where I’d be today.

Beau is meeting me at our usual spot in the park across from where he lives with his father. A pang of guilt washes over me at the thought of my poor boy having to deal with the death of his uncle, a man he was so close to, and then my problems. A lone tear drops from my eye as I watch my grown son walking towards me. He has turned into an amazing man and I can’t form the words to say how much it means to me that his father raised him so well. Even his stepmother, Tara, who was a mother to him when I wasn’t, whom I know he also calls mum. At first, I was gutted because I’m his mum, even if I was a shitty one, but when she asked to meet me I could tell why he loves her. I’m forever grateful she stepped up to that role when I couldn’t get my act together.

“Mum, please don’t get upset. We’ve talked about this. I forgive you and love you,” Beau says, putting his arm around me and kissing me on the top of the head.

“Don’t worry about me, I’m being silly, you’ve just grown up and become a man. What are they feeding you over there? You keep getting taller every time I see you.”

Our visit today isn’t a long one, I always stop by and remind myself of why I need to stay sober. I know it might seem selfish, but it helps when there’s this small nagging in the back of my mind telling me I’m useless, I’m not strong enough to do this, it should have been me and not Billy. We sit on the swings and he tells me about his day, I always get a feeling he wants to tell me something but never does. His best friend, Jaynie, comes skipping towards us; I’ve secretly hoped they would somehow become more than friends. “When are you two going to realise you were meant for each other?” I ask with a smile. The look he gives me shows he knew I was going to ask.

“When will you stop asking the same question?” he asks under his breath.

“When you stop pretending you’re not made for each other.”

“It’s complicated mum. We’re more than friends, she’s my soulmate,” he whispers back, kicking my leg.

“What are you two whispering about?” Jaynie asks.

“Just plotting world domination,” Beau says and Jaynie laughs. Beau gives me a look that says keep your mouth shut and I do.

“I’ll leave you two to do whatever you do. I need to get home before your Aunt sends a search party to find me.”

“Her heart’s in the right place,” Beau says.

“I know, I’ll see you in a few days,” I say, blowing Beau a kiss. I’m his mum and he won’t ever be too big to get a kiss from me, one way or another.

I love my sister, Jules, I really do, but she worries about me way too much. I know she only has my best interests at heart, but living with her for the last five years hasn’t exactly been easy. Since I’ve never truly trusted myself, I’ve used her as a security blanket, but now I feel like it’s time for me to move on to the next chapter of my life. The walk back to Jules’s only takes me half an hour, as I walk through the door she gives me a look of relief. I offer her a small smile and head straight to my room. I haven’t told her I’m looking for a second job and a place to live, and I’m not sure how well she’ll take it. I power up my laptop and start scrolling through a job site I’m registered with, nothing new pops up. I love my job as a waitress, but it’s not my dream job. I’m clueless as to what that is and if I’m lucky it will just appear out of nowhere. Social media isn’t really my thing, but I like to see all the crazy photo’s Beau and Jaynie post every day. I open up my ACE TV account, they stream live music and have interviews with musicians. I load my playlist and click on the most recently played. I find myself staring at the door and know I need to find the courage to talk to Jules about moving out. My subconscious is clucking at me and saying to stop being a big chicken, she’s your sister and loves you. Let’s hope she remembers how much she loves me when I tell her.