Chapter Eleven

Eddie

“Nope, no fucking way”. She’s crazy if she thinks I won’t have a drink or two. The drugs, fine, I get it, but what sort of rock star would I be if I couldn’t have some drinks after a show? And on top of that, three meetings a week, and a list of other places and people. As if a shrink could help me, my mind is way too messed up.

“Eddie, be reasonable, I had to comply with your conditions,” she says as I storm into my room and slam the door. “Seriously, you’re acting like a spoilt two-year-old.” She says entering the room.

“Have you ever heard of knocking?” I ask, not really caring that she followed me in.

“Two meetings and no shrink,” she counters back.

“One meeting, no shrink, a total of five drinks, and you won’t get on my back about smoking.”

“One meeting, no shrink, three drinks, four on special occasions, and you’ll smoke outside.”

“Deal,” I say and we shake on it. She drives a hard bargain, no wonder Mickki bought her on board. I might have met my match in her.

“Oh, and Eddie,” she says, stopping at my door, turning back to look at me. I’d never noticed how blue her eyes are.

“Yeah?”

“Your doctor will be here in an hour,” she says and walks away before I can ask what the fuck for. That doctor only likes to stick needles in me, plus, I’m not sick. Maybe a slight headache, but I figured that’s what happens when you’re coming down. I run to the door.

“Callie, this is as bad as it gets, right?” I yell out, but there isn’t any answer. I race downstairs, but she’s disappeared, clever woman - well played. I Google symptoms of coming down while Delilah makes me something to eat. Oh god, it isn’t looking good for me, it looks painful and wow no way…what have I agreed to? I might legitimately die. I sit and ponder my upcoming doom. Would anyone even miss me? Besides Mickki, of course, and maybe he’d be relieved he wouldn’t be burdened by me anymore. I need to remind myself why I’m doing this again. For Amelia. It mustn’t have been easy for Callie to accept a car from me, and agree to live here. I’m still in shock that she did, actually. I kinda figured she’d kick up a stink and flat out refuse, so this must mean something to her, maybe more than I know. I hear a car pull up, that’s my cue to disappear.

“If they ask where I am, you haven’t seen me,” I say to Delilah as I run from the room. That nasty doctor isn’t coming near me with her bag of tricks. We have two doctors, one for when we need to keep things quiet and under the table, so to speak, and then we have Bertha. I don’t even know if that’s her name, because I hide from the old witch every time she comes. I presume that’s who Callie called because Mickki wouldn’t know if we could trust her yet. When I enter my room, I realise it’s a dumb hiding spot, what sort of moron goes to hide in the one place they’re bound to look. I should have gone to Callie’s room, at least she wouldn’t have thought to look there. There’s a light tap on the door and I make the executive decision to hide under my bed.

“Eddie, I know you’re in here,” Callie says. I hear footsteps, maybe she thinks I’m in the bathroom. “I’m sorry doctor, but if you've been here before I’m sure you’re aware Eddie can be a handful.” Next thing I know, someone is pulling me by the legs. “Get out from under the bed, you’re being a child."

“Am not, that witch likes to stick needles in me.”

“You can’t be afraid of needles when you just got a new tattoo,” she says as if it’s the same thing.

“You wanna make a bet?” I say, holding onto the post of the bed. My actions may seem a little childish, but I’m desperate.

“I promise I won’t stick you with anything,” comes a male voice, Oh, thank god, it’s not Bertha. Callie let’s go of my legs and I slide myself out from under the bed.

“You look a little flushed. Touching me has that effect on women, don’t be too hard on yourself.” I have come to like making her flustered, she gets funny when she’s mad.

“You sure you can’t stab him with a needle? It would make me feel so much better,” Callie says to Doctor Bob and he laughs at her request. They think they’re so funny. Callie and Bob talk between themselves about how to handle my apparent come down and detox, she fills him in on my chat with Truman and our agreed conditions.

“Eddie, I’ve spoken with Callie, we’re going to slowly decrease the dose of Benzodiazepines you’ve been taking, suddenly stopping those could cause seizures, or convulsions and we don’t want that. Stopping the cocaine shouldn’t be deadly, but you could experience vivid dreams, get hungry more often, get agitated more easily, and suffer from fatigue and depression. If you feel any of these things, tell Callie and she can call me if she thinks you need it.

“Jesus doc, kill me now. Just find me a bullet,” I say and Callie makes a strange sound. When I look over to her, all the colour has drained from her face.

“Take it back, Eddie, NOW!” she screeches at me. God damn, you’d think she was coming down and couldn’t take a joke. What would she know about any of this anyway?

“I’m sorry, I take it back. Chill woman, before you have a coronary.”

“Callie will give you the dosage I’ve set and knows when to cut it down. If she gets any trouble from you, I’ll come here personally every day and give you a shot in the ass. I’ll give you a sleeping pill tonight so you get a good night’s sleep, because you’ll need it.”

Callie and the doctor finish talking and walk from the room. Maybe this won’t be as bad as I first thought. I don’t want to be one of those celebrities that end up in rehab.

I wake up in a cold sweat, my hands trembling, and my heart racing. This must be one of those dreams the doctor warned me about, I thought with a sleeping pill I’d be out cold. I feel the bile rising in my throat and I barely make it to the bathroom before the contents of my stomach comes flying out. Shit, I have to check on Callie. It seemed so real that she was bleeding, someone had shot her in the stomach and I couldn’t reach her. I crash through her door and flick the lights on, she sits up almost petrified, she looks around as her eyes adjust.

“Oh, thank god, I thought…never mind, you’re okay.”

“Are you okay?” she says, blinking sleep-filled eyes.

“I am now, sorry for waking you,” I mutter.

“It’s fine. Are you sure you’re okay?” she says, getting out of bed in only her singlet top and underwear. Who would have thought that under all that stiff she’d wear something like that. An uneasy feeling washes over me, the cold sweat hits again, and my hands start trembling. When my mouth gets watery, I make a dash for her ensuite. Way to go Eddie, show the sober buddy how out of control you really are. A light hand touches my shoulder and pulls my hair away from my face.

“Here,” she says, handing me a glass of water. That’s when I notice a massive scar.

“What’s that?” I ask, taking her by the wrist. Why does the thought of her being hurt make me feel all kind of awful in the pit of my stomach? She doesn’t get a chance to answer before that feeling in my stomach is making its way into the toilet. By the time I’ve finished, the sun has started to shine through the ensuite window. Callie says she’ll go get my morning pills organised and ask Delilah to make breakfast. I stand and look at myself in the mirror, my face is white and I feel weak. I make my way to the bed and flop down, the welcome relief of softness, along with the scent of flowers makes me drift off.

When I wake, I look around and panic sets in for no apparent reason; I can’t get myself to calm down.

“Callie!” I scream. Damien and Marcus come running. “Where is she?” I continue to yell. “I need her.”

“She went out to run an errand,” Delilah says, walking into the room. “Come have some breakfast and take your pill, she won’t be long.”

I bend, leaning over and placing my hands on my knees. What’s wrong with me? After a few deep breaths, my heart starts to fall back into rhythm. Delilah takes me by the arm, walks me into the kitchen and sits me in front of my breakfast. I’m a lucky man, my own mother is all sorts of messed up, yet somehow, I found Delilah, and even though I pay her well she seems to care about me.

“Sorry I took so long,” Callie says to Delilah, almost as if she wasn’t even acknowledging me in the room.

“Hey,” I say, taking her by the wrist as she walks past me. Her instant reaction is to snatch her arm from my grasp.

“Go take a shower and be ready to leave in an hour,” she snaps.

“What’s wrong with you?” I shout in her direction. She was fine when she left this morning, I thought maybe we’d moved past all this. “I thought we..."

“You thought wrong, Eddie,” she screeches, leaving the room. I throw my plate at the wall and Marcus gives me a look.

“Not now,” I tell him, knowing he’d love to put his two cents worth in. If she wants to be like that, well good for her. I grab my smokes from the counter and make my way to the studio room, I need to blow off some steam. What I really need is someone to blow me, maybe that can be arranged since it’s not even close to sex. Grabbing my notepad, I flop back onto the couch with a smoke. I’ve written all our best songs here in this room. I remember the last time I sat here and wrote a song, it was just after Amelia died and I wrote Silence. I poured my heart and soul into those lyrics and I haven’t been able to write anything since.

It’s the first time I’ve smiled in a long time

Ghosts are almost forgotten and only linger when you’re around

I can tell you hate me by the fire in your eyes

Secrets you have hidden on the inside

Don’t worry, we all have skeletons in our closets

Take a step closer and you might see we are not so different after all

Come on smile for me,

Smile for me

Light up my life again

Please help me I need to find my way

Before I’m lost to all the darkness held inside

It’s dragging me down

All I need is to find that missing piece

To connect the dots

A little something to make me feel whole again

Just come smile for me

Smile for me.

What a bunch of crap, I throw my note pad across the room. Damien knocks on the door as he walks in the room.

“Callie says it’s time to go.”

“Of course she does, let’s get this done,” I say, dreading sitting in a room full of strangers. I can only go to certain meetings since everyone has had to sign NDA’s. Callie thought it would be better for me to connect with real people, like people with money aren’t real. I get it, I’m lucky I don’t need for any physical possessions, and maybe that’s my issue.

The drive is quiet, Callie doesn’t speak, she has the radio on and hums away when a song comes on. She parks around back and Damien parks beside us; he doesn’t come in to the meetings, he sits outside and makes sure to be close in case we need him.

Today it looks like it’s only a small group. A lady called Olivia, she and Callie seem to know each other, a tall skinny man with wiry hair, a lady possibly in her fifties, and a couple of other faces. The time goes incredibly slow listening to everyone’s stories, I couldn’t be more bored, watching paint dry would be more appealing. I’m not a heartless bastard, I feel bad for them having it so tough, but I don’t see how telling a bunch of strangers your story will make it any easier.

“Eddie, do you have anything you’d like to share?” Olivia asks.

“I don’t really know what to say.” I look at Callie and she smiles at me with a glimmer of hope in her eyes that I will try. “I remember the first time I used coke, it was our first real show, and I would have been about nineteen. I liked the rush that came with the lifestyle and I think the drugs became a part of my life. I always thought I had control. About six years ago, I stopped using for around a year when I had reason to actually be happy. I didn’t need drugs or women to make me feel something, but one day my life came crashing down around me and I no longer had a reason to even want to live; I still feel like that most the time.” Before I know it, words are flying from my mouth and her smile gets wider. “Now, I really have no choice. I can see the disappointment in my brother’s eyes, in everyone around me actually, and I can only imagine what they’re thinking. It’s only been a small amount of time since I’ve used, a few days. At this point I wasn’t even fussy, whatever I could get my hands on—something to keep me awake, something to put me to sleep, something to make me feel good. I’m worried that without it I’ll lose myself, this man is all I know how to be.”

I stand, pushing the chair back with my legs. I can’t be here anymore, not even that damn smile can help the raw pain I feel right now. All I want to do is get high, the need is so strong it feels like it’s clawing its way through my skin, it physically hurts.

“Is that what you wanted?” I shout when Callie comes into view. “Did you want me to bare my soul to strangers in the hope that it would make me feel better? Well, I don’t feel better… I feel like something is trying to rip its way through me. Give me the keys.”

“No,” she says, trying to act as if my mood doesn’t bother her.

“GIVE ME THE KEYS!” I shout a few inches from her face; with shaky hands she throws the keys at me.

“Enough Eddie, you’re scaring her,” Damien says.

“I’m scaring her? She took this job, she had to know to some degree that this process isn’t easy. What did you think would happen when you poked the bear?”

Damien snatches the keys from my hand, tells Callie to take the rest of the day off, then makes me get in his car. I can’t do this, not when my brain feels like it’ll explode.

I feel like shit about the way I treated Callie. It’s been over a week and I’ve locked myself in my studio, I can’t say or do anything stupid in here. She comes in to give me my meds, but never speaks. How pathetic am I? I miss her like crazy. How is that even possible? I miss making her mad at me, I miss her smile even more. How has a mutual hatred for each other turned into this, out of nowhere? My pride has kept me locked in here, I’ve never actually had to apologise for anything before and if I have I didn’t mean it. That’s it, I have to make this right. She’s out at the moment so I have time to get some things organised. The fact that I never use the media room crosses my mind as I put some popcorn on to pop, and some chocolate and cokes in the fridge, maybe that’s not a good drink of choice. The need to get high right now is a little overwhelming, I can feel my mouth salivating at the thought. I decide to call in a favour and get some onesies delivered. Yes, I know it’s stupid, but what is watching a movie without onesies, fluffy socks, and blankets. My meds are due in an hour and a half, so I have that time to get everything perfect. She may tell me to get stuffed and sack whack me, but a man can only try. I called Romeo and asked if he had onesies in his stores. Of course he did, what are high end dress shops without a sleepwear line. He even delivered everything, and for what I paid I’m glad he did. After a quick shower, I have a few minutes to spare and race down to her room, put the box on her bed and scribble a note to leave on top. Now, I go back and wait. It had been easy to set up since I’m Eddie Diamond and have people who will drop anything for money. Now that we have a blanket fort set up in the middle of the room, I’m curious about where they hid the reclining chairs that were in here.

“Eddie?” she says, opening the door. I never thought I’d find a woman in a chicken onesie hot, but she’s rocking it. I stand there in my rooster onesie, looking absolutely ridiculous and holding a bunch of white lilies, hoping she can forgive me. “What’s all this for?” she says, taking it all in.

“To say I’m sorry for being me, to tell you how much I appreciate you helping me.”

“You know you look really silly right now?” she says, smiling at me. Right there is what lights up my whole world right now, a glimpse of light cracking through the mess inside my head.

“Well, you’re rocking that chicken,” I say, handing her the flowers. “Shall we?” I say, linking our arms and escorting her to the fort, it's all closed off on the back and sides and open at the front. Delilah really came through with the decorating team she found.

“This is amazing, it looks like a fluffy cloud.” She’s right, it does. My inner child comes out and I just have to fall into the pillows and see how awesome it feels.

“It feels like I’m lying in a pit of marshmallows, get down here.” She doesn’t hesitate, jumps right in and gets comfortable, while I get the popcorn and chocolate. I tell her to pick something to watch, and half expect her to pick some chick flick, but she surprises me with a horror movie. I don’t tell her these kinds of movies scare the shit out of me, it might ruin my bad boy rep. Scratch that, someone's blood and guts gets splattered in the first five minutes and I think I almost jumped out of my skin.

“Are you scared?” she says, rolling over to face me.

“Me, scared? Never,” I say, trying to not look away from the screen while stuffing my face full of popcorn.

“Mm-hmm,” she mumbles and turns back to watch the movie. I glance over at her every now and then, and she’s glued to the screen. Our hands are so close, I don’t know what comes over me but I link our pinkies. When she doesn’t move her hand, I look over at her and she looks back. I feel like we can really see each for the first time; no bullshit, no smart remarks, just us. With our faces only inches apart I want to kiss her, but I know if I do it won’t end at just kissing.

“What are we doing?” she asks.

“I don’t know, I want to kiss you so much, but I can’t,” I say, hoping she understands.

“I…can you just hold me, is that allowed?” I nod and pull her into my side, and for the first time in my life I’m holding a woman and it’s not to get laid, it's for the comfort of being in someone’s arms and I don’t hate it.

We must have drifted off, because when I wake up Callie is fast asleep in my arms. I look at her and watch as she lightly snores, and I can imagine having a life beyond music that doesn’t involve parties or drugs, maybe even a family, and that scares me more than a horror movie. I slide my arm from under her, as much as that life with her looks appealing, I feel like I'm suffocating and need to get out of here. I know when she wakes up she’ll regret what happened, so I’ll make it easy for her and go back to being me. She deserves so much more than what I can offer her.