Alys

I’d been here for three weeks, and I was in love with London. Even though it was cold and mostly overcast, there was something so magical about the city. I loved the vibe, the people. It was just as diverse as New Orleans in its own way.

I spent a lot of time hanging out with Eric, going to pubs, checking out the music scene at different locales. A couple of them, I really liked. There were two that I thought would be perfect for what the guys had in mind for a London-based Bougainvillea, but they weren’t for sale.

I had been working on getting either of the owners to consider selling, but so far, no luck. Still, I had people go in and appraise the place on the down-low just to see what the locations would cost on average.

Eric popped his head into my bedroom. “Ready to go?”

“Almost,” I replied, smiling. “Be out in a few minutes.”

“No rush,” he replied, ducking back out.

We were heading out again tonight. Another club, but Phil had asked me to check out the talent, not to see if the place was up for sale. NOLA’s Records was looking for more bands to produce, and he wanted to know if there was anything worth bringing in.

Mentally, I was in an all right place. Focused on work, living in a new environment—it was doing me some good.

At least, during the day.

Each night though, I would fall asleep, thinking about Connor. Missing him with my whole heart, I’d lie in bed, aching for his arms to be wrapped around me, the heat of him pressed against my back, the scent of him. When I did fall asleep, I would dream of the days when our love had been pure, untainted by the world and our experiences.

I missed hearing his voice, his laugh. I missed how I would hear him playing guitar or bass at all hours of the day or night in his bedroom. There were times when I’d just sit on the steps of the staircase beside his bedroom and listen. The times he’d sing along were my favorite.

Each morning though, I would wake up, determined to forget. And, for the most part, I succeeded. While I was preoccupied, I didn’t think about all I’d walked away from. I could almost ignore the gaping hole in my heart.

I thought about Quinn and the baby, and I realized that the blazing, poisonous fury was no longer there. Only the heartbreaking misery was left behind.

That was a good thing. It meant that I was letting go, that I was moving past it. I had to face the misery next, and then maybe…

Maybe I could forgive Connor, myself, and together, we could move forward.

I hadn’t spoken to him in over three weeks. I had no idea if he felt the same. I didn’t know if maybe he had decided that he should have a relationship with his baby mama. It was possible. It wasn’t like I’d given him much hope to hold on to. He had a past with Quinn. He was attracted to her. He’d had wild, uninhibited sex with her for months on end.

I was still so fucking jealous though. She’d had him and gotten pregnant with his child, and she was living a part of the dream I’d had nearly my whole life.

Do I still dream of having that with Connor?

As miserable as the whole situation made me, my heart and soul screamed, Yes!

Even with everything that had happened, I wanted a life with Connor more than anything.

Shit, I’m drunk.

Truth be told, I had been getting drunk quite often. Almost nightly—no, it was every night. But, tonight, I was fucking wasted, and Eric had to help me out of the Land Rover, so I wouldn’t face-plant on the concrete.

I should totally be ashamed of myself.

I totally wasn’t though. I could be a violent drunk, but I didn’t think I had been tonight.

The bands had been good but nothing I was overly thrilled about. But then again, I might’ve been too wasted to know better.

“’M sorry,” I mumbled. “I usually don’ drink this much,” I told Eric as he lifted me from the seat and put me on my feet.

“You were taking shots like they were water.”

“I know.” I sighed. “I should get my shit together and call ’im rather than trying to drown my soul.”

“Is that what you were doing?”

I thought he was joking, but I couldn’t be too sure.

“Yes. He broke me, and I’m trying to fix it with emotional liquor-boarding.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It’s like waterboarding, only with booze. In a completely spiritual sense though.”

I found myself propped up against the elevator wall, the doors closing. The sudden lift didn’t do wonders for my roiling gut, but I was a trooper, damn it. I held my liquor down.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked.

Eric snorted. “No. This is nothing. You should have seen Devon at his lowest. Talk about a mess…”

That made me feel a little better.

“I’m not an alcoholic,” I stated with confidence.

“Not yet anyway,” he dryly retorted.

I groaned, and the elevator came to a sudden stop.

Eric got me out as fast as he could. He didn’t know I could hold my vomit until I reached a toilet.

“I’m fine, man,” I tried to tell him as he stooped to remove my shoes.

I leaned against a wall in the foyer and let him do what he had to do.

Before I knew it, I was in my bedroom. In what I thought was a graceful, queenly walk, I made my way to my bathroom. I dropped elegantly to my knees before the toilet, lifted the lid, and proceeded to violently upchuck the contents of my stomach.

At some point, I realized Eric was holding back my hair. I tried in vain to brush him off.

“Dude, I can puke by myself.”

“But you don’t have to,” he replied.

After I was done ridding my body of the excess alcohol, Eric left me to sit on the bathroom floor. A few minutes later, he was back with a glass of water, and I gulped it down.

“Can I have some more?” I asked, raising the empty glass.

He refilled it in the bathroom sink, and I drank that down, too.

Kenna always made me and Lili drink mad amounts of water when we got tanked. When she wasn’t around to demand I do so, I’d end up with a hangover from hell.

Energized from the water, I was able to stand on my own. “Right. I think I’m good now.”

Still, Eric waited patiently while I brushed my teeth and washed my face. He didn’t leave until I headed back to the bedroom. Then, I stripped out of all my clothes and slid under the sheets.

I promptly burst into tears.

I just need to hear his voice. Just for a minute. It’s killing me.

My phone was in my purse. My purse was…on my nightstand. I didn’t remember putting it there, but before I could change my mind, I reached out, dug through it, and found my phone.

It rang once.

Twice.

Three times.

Hang up! Hang up! Hang up!

“Hello?”

I ripped a loud snort and started weeping.

Oh my God, just kill me now.

“Alys?” Connor breathed my name, exhaling it in a zephyr of shock and relief.

“Please play for me,” I whispered.

I heard him scrambling, moving through spaces, shutting doors.

“Where are you?” he asked, his voice filled with heartbreak and desperation.

“I just need to hear you play. And maybe sing? Can you do that for me?”

“Are you drunk?”

I sighed. “Never mind.”

“No! Don’t go. Here—”

He must have set the phone down. I heard more movement and then the telltale noise of a hard case getting plonked down, followed by the snapping open of clasps. I knew by the sound alone that it was his acoustic guitar. There was a creaking of furniture being sat on.

“Are you still there?”

“Ye-yes,” I croaked, my eyes leaking all over the place.

He strummed the strings, adjusting the pegs, tuning it up slightly. Then, he went straight into something that sounded like a cheerful acoustic rendition of “Liquid Sunshine.”

I closed my eyes, feeling him all around me. In music, he was everywhere within me, filling me with love and joy. In silence, I broke down because I had to listen. I couldn’t release my sobs for fear of missing a single note of his soul.

 

“The sun hasn’t shone since you left me behind.

I’m waiting, drifting,

Longing for the only thing in life I’m missing.

 

I dream of you.

Wishing each night that I’ll wake up,

And know you’re dreaming of me, too.

 

Somewhere along the line,

We lost who we were supposed to be.

Together,

We were going to defy the odds.

Prove to the world our love is meant to be.

 

Survive.

It’s all I have left inside.

This need to make it another day,

Until you’re once more by my side.

Until your warmth shines upon me,

Until your smile lights up my reason.

My Sunshine.

My Sunshine.

My Sunshine.”

 

Something inside me released. The tension I’d been feeling since the moment Quinn walked her pregnant ass into our lives just dissolved. Connor still loved me, still needed me, and I was reassured that he’d wait for me to find it inside myself to love the child Quinn carried. Or, at least, accept it.

I should aim for accepting it first.

I still wasn’t there yet. I wanted to be, which was a relief.

“I love you, Alys,” he brokenly whispered.

“I love you, too,” I replied.

And I hung up.

“She’s all right though?”

“I’ve been checking on her every couple of hours. I could use a bit of sleep if I’m being honest.”

My eyes cracked open as I heard the voices through my bedroom door.

“When was the last time you looked in on her?”

“I just shut the door when you walked in. She’s fine. Puked last night and went straight to bed.”

I pulled myself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. I wasn’t wearing any clothes, and the thought of anyone coming in and seeing me naked and reeking of booze wasn’t a pleasant one.

Then, I realized whom Eric must be talking to.

Devon.

Good God, I can’t let that man witness me looking—or smelling—like this!

I peed, scrubbed my teeth, and jumped into the shower to scour away my overindulgence from the night before.

It felt fucking heavenly.

Then, I remembered…I’d called Connor last night. Shocked with myself, I stared at the marble-tiled wall for a good minute.

He’d played for me. He’d told me he loved me, and I swore, I remembered him telling me he was waiting for me.

I had to admit, I felt much better today, despite the hangover.

More sluggish than normal, I got dressed and blow-dried my hair. A little mascara helped to make me look less tired, but there was no covering up the pale, pasty complexion of the aftermath of heavy alcohol consumption, so I left it at that and headed out to meet the legendary guitarist.

Upstairs in the kitchen, Eric was frying something up for breakfast, and my belly rumbled in appreciation.

He glanced over at me and smiled. “Feeling all right?”

“I’ve been a lot worse, so, yeah.”

“Are you going to Krav Maga today?”

I had been going religiously since my first day, so I decided, “I think I’m going to take a break today. Was that Devon you were talking to downstairs?”

“It was,” came Devon’s lilting, sexy voice from behind me.

I turned around to see him, and, my God, my vision did not disappoint. I couldn’t help the smile that busted out across my face, and I launched myself into his arms.

Devon’s hugs were utter magic. As was his scent. He’d just showered himself, and it was as close to heaven as I could get, outside of Connor.

Pulling back, I took in the several days’ worth of black scruff covering his cheeks and jaw, how it made his aquamarine eyes blaze like gems.

“How was your trip?” I asked.

Devon smiled. “Great.”

“Phil said you went to Japan.”

“I did,” he replied.

Eric plopped some plates loaded with food onto the breakfast bar. “I’m heading to bed for a while. Is there anything else you need before I do?”

“No,” Devon replied. “You didn’t need to do all this either.”

My stomach disagreed, but I wasn’t going to voice that.

Eric smiled. “Just shut up and eat.”

Gratefully, I dropped my ass into a seat and picked up a fork. “Thanks, Eric.”

“My pleasure,” he replied before he left.

Devon sat down next to me.

After I heard a door shut downstairs, I turned toward him. “What were you doing in Japan?”

Devon arched a black eyebrow at me. “Why do you ask?”

I was a little surprised by the counterquestion. “Just curious. I didn’t mean to pry. Trying to make conversation.”

Sometimes, I forgot Devon was such a private person. He had a quality about him that could be very disconcerting. The very first time I’d met him—with Kenna at the LA House of Blues—he was very cold, even condescending, until Kenna thawed his frosty exterior, and he revealed his true nature.

He stared at me, assessing. It made me feel squirmy inside.

I dropped my gaze to my plate. “Sorry.”

He sighed and surprised me by reaching out and patting my knee. “No, I’m sorry, Alys. I don’t usually let people into my life. It’s not an easy habit to break. I was visiting my daughter.”

Shocked, I looked up at him again. “You have a kid?”

He gave me a dimpled grin. “I have two.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. My daughter, Aika, is three and a half. My son is…”

“Is?” I prompted before taking a sip of orange juice.

“He’s sixteen.”

I choked and coughed up the juice I’d breathed in. “Sixteen?”

He nodded and poked at the food on his plate with his fork. “Not many people know I have children, and it’s important that it stays that way.”

“Do the guys know?”

“Yes.”

“What about the Cannibals?”

“They only know about Aika.”

“How the hell…how old are you?”

“Thirty.”

“You got a woman knocked up at fourteen?”

“I did—and I was thirteen. Fourteen when he was born. And, again, at twenty-six. Whenever I have some downtime, I go and visit.”

He dug into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his state-of-the-art cell phone. He messed around with it for a few seconds and then handed it to me. On it was a photo of Devon holding a chubby-cheeked little girl with jet-black hair and almond-shaped gray-green eyes.

“Oh my God. She’s stunning! Seriously, it’s genetically possible for her to have your eye color?”

“I suppose it is.”

“Wow,” I breathed, staring at Devon’s daughter. “What’s it like, living so far away from your kids?”

Devon shrugged. “My son, Kieran, I see him quite a bit and speak to him almost every day. Aika is a bit more of a challenge, but I visit her a few times a year.”

“Are you with Aika’s mother?”

“No. We’re good friends though. It wasn’t like we were in love and planned on having a family or anything. But we’re both in love with our daughter. It works for us.”

I nodded. “What…”

“What, what?”

“Did Brigid know about them?” I asked, scared that maybe I was going too far.

Devon took a deep breath. “No. I didn’t tell her about them. I didn’t think she needed to know.”

“How come?”

“Because she wasn’t stable, and I didn’t fully trust her. We were never exclusive, Alys. I cared about her, maybe even loved her, when she was doing good. But I never got too close to anyone. Not until I met Phil.”

I sat up straight in my seat. “Are you in love with Phil?”

It wouldn’t be the first time I’d heard a man confess such a thing.

“No,” he replied, a wry grin on his face. “But I guess you’d have a reason to suspect.”

“You knew?”

“Pfft! Please, like X was able to keep that shit secret. It was written all over his face anytime Phil was in the same room as him.”

“It wasn’t so obvious when I met him,” I huffed.

“Well, probably because he fell in love with you. I saw that, too. Everyone did.”

I couldn’t help but smile. X would always have a piece of my heart. He’d earned that.

“So, Phil said you broke up with Connor already.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“Why?”

“Because he got another woman pregnant.”

“So? He wasn’t with you then.”

“A fact that people love throwing in my face every time the situation is brought up. Look, I’m working on accepting it, okay? I can’t just let this go. I’m miserable about it, and for however long it takes, I’m staying away from him. Besides, he needs this time to figure out what he has to do. A child changes everything.”

“It does. But that doesn’t mean it changes how he feels about you.”

“I know.”

“Do you love him any less for it?”

“For a hot minute there, I hated him. But, once I got over the initial shock of it, no. I love him just as much as I ever did. Maybe more because he’s doing the right thing.”

“Have you told him this?”

“No. I’m still not ready to face this. I don’t want anything to do with Quinn or their kid. I…I’m too hurt and jealous, Devon. I left because I was poison. I’d only make shit worse for him—for everyone. Besides, I really like it here in London. It’s doing me good, being on my own.”

Devon gave me a shrewd look that made me feel inconsequential. “Sure. I can see that it is.”

“Jesus, I go on one fucking bender,” I muttered.

“It’s how it starts.”

“Well, I guess you would be an expert on that,” I snapped, instantly regretting my snark.

Devon smirked. “That, I would. And I wouldn’t want to see you go through it.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked.

“Is it going to piss me off?”

He ignored that. “Can’t you just forgive him? Deep down, is this really going to end everything between the two of you? He lived through you hooking up with and marrying X. He refused to have anything serious with anyone because, one day, you might be able to be together. He never gave up hope. Can’t you just put aside the misgivings you’re having and go to him? More than ever, he needs you, Alys. He’s freaking out, with Quinn being pregnant.”

I put my fork down, my appetite utterly destroyed. “I want to,” I whispered.

“Then, do it. Forcing that poor kid to wait for you any longer is just petty. You’ve spent your whole life as a good, honest woman. Don’t fuck that up because you’re butt-hurt.”

I was tempted to chuck my OJ in his gorgeous face.

I fought the urge to burst into tears.

“You’re right,” I said.

“I know I am. We’ll be flying to New Orleans in a few days, so figure your shit out.”

I nodded. “Okay.”