As soon as his footsteps die away, I deflate like a dammed balloon. I lower my gaze to the drone, my mind whirling.

He looked like a man in a fever when he stepped into the lab. I wonder if he knows it. I wonder if Ryland noticed. They know each other so well he would have been bound to pick up on something strange from his best friend.

Or maybe, I’m just kidding myself. Maybe I’m mistaking embarrassment for some deeper emotion. He must have come to tell me to forget what we did on the floor. Pretend it never really happened. He doesn’t need to. The sane part of me would have to agree with him. It was such a colossal mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve never behaved in such a wanton way ever. I have to stop thinking about him.

That’s all I did all weekend, and where did it get me? Nowhere.

“Everything all right between you two?” Ryland asks, scratching his jaw.

“Mmmm…”

“You didn’t have another fight when I wasn’t around, did you?”

“No, no,” I reply, telling the truth for once. “No, it’s just…awkward. As always. I guess it always will be. He doesn’t like me.”

“Eh, I think you’re wrong,” he jibes, winking. “He’s just a stubborn son of a bitch when he wants to be. That’s all. He hates to admit when he’s been acting like a dick.”

I wince at his choice of word. It was my word, but now I feel disloyal for letting Ryland say that about Lincoln. He’s not a dick. And even if he is a dick, he’s my dick. The thought brings me up short. What the hell am I doing?

“Anyway, don’t let him get to you. Just keep plugging away.” Ryland stands, pushing his stool back. “I have to get back to my office and wrap up a few things. I’d like to make it an early day.”

“Understood. Enjoy the holiday.” I wish I felt even a fraction of the enthusiasm in my voice. I feel nothing but—empty. Disappointed and confused by the way I can’t get my thoughts straight when it comes to Lincoln.

Ryland leaves and I sink down in a chair. I stare at the drone blankly. It’s useless, trying to get any work done right now. This isn’t like me. Work has always come first. And this work is far too important to let something like my hormones get in the way.

I pull the clip from my hair and shake it out of its bun, sighing. I wish we hadn’t done it. I wish we could do it again. Back and forth, back and forth, like a ping pong ball. For two solid days, that’s what I put myself through.

I keep cursing myself for letting the adrenaline rush of solving the overheating issue go to my head.

Longing for him.

Wondering whether it’ll make things even more uncomfortable between us.

Wishing I could be with him again—alone, this time, without the chance of being caught.

Wishing I had never seen him in the first place.

No, no, no. I stop just short of pushing the prototype from the table—no sense losing my job—and wonder why I bothered coming in today. Maybe because I needed to see him. Or because I needed to be in the room where it happened.

I look down at the spot where we made love, right there on the floor. Lovemaking isn’t what it was. It was primal, wild, uncontrollable, dirty, hot, unbelievable. Like nothing that has ever happened to me.

What am I, nuts? I’m going to have to look at that spot every day for the duration of my job here. Why would I put myself through that? The constant, daily reminder of how stupid I was. Because no matter how good it felt, it’s now finished, the moment is over, and it’s left me a hot mess. It was stupid, end of story.

I’ve wanted a lot of things in my life. Who hasn’t? And I’ve managed to work my way into a few of them, including this job. But there were many things I didn’t get, too. I learned to live with that, the way anybody else does. I’ll have to learn to live without him, no matter how much I want him.

It’s all in the past now. There’s no reason for me to fall under a spell like that, ever again. Because it was just adrenaline. Relief. Shared happiness over breaking through a major setback.

That’s all.

No, it isn’t, a voice in my head whispers. I stare at the floor again. In my heart, I know that’s not all, not by a long shot. If there were nothing between us to begin with, we wouldn’t have ended up wrapped in each other. Immediately, like we were magnetized, we flew to each other. It felt so right and when he was inside me, I felt as if he belonged there, even though he stretched me the way no man has, and it actually hurt being filled like that. But when it was over and he pulled out, it wasn’t relief I felt. I actually felt it like a loss. My body cried for him.

That’s not the sort of thing that just happens. Passionate, frenzied, incredibly satisfying sex with a man like him—doesn’t just happen unless there’s an undercurrent of something else beneath it.

I know what that undercurrent is.

I was right to act cool and professional with him earlier, I decide as I gather my things. I presented the solution to Ryland and that’s all I had to do today. Thanks to our breakthrough on Friday, I don’t have to be here. I don’t even know why I came and staying here any longer is nothing more than torture at this point. A day off tomorrow will help clear my head a little more.

Yeah, right. I roll my eyes. Because an entire weekend did that so well.

I test the lock to be sure it’s secure and start walking down the empty corridor. For the first time in my adult life, I wish I weren’t such a workaholic. It would be nice to have something to do tomorrow, the way people my age generally do. Some sort of diversion.

I’ve always dismissed that sort of thing in favor of proving myself at school or in the lab. Look where it’s gotten me. The one place I’ve always felt secure, always felt like I could contribute and prove myself worthy, is the one place where I now feel like I can’t be without wanting to tear my boss’ clothes off.

Or tear my heart out.