I FEEL SICK TO MY stomach as I stand here at the airport about to board a plane back to Wisconsin.
It’s been three days since Micah told me to walk away from him and I haven’t felt the same since. I don’t think I’ve ever truly known what a broken heart feels like until now.
I haven’t been able to sleep at night and I’ve barely left my room at my brother’s until I had to leave for the airport this morning.
As hard as I fight to keep Micah off my mind, he’s lingering there and all it’s doing is hurting me.
I never expected to fall in love with the naked guy running around my brother’s beach house.
But I did.
As far as I know Micah has already gotten everything from Vortex and Alexander has given him a week to get everything from the house since he has a lot of stuff there.
It feels so empty without him around and no matter what I do, if I stay, I’ll only be reminded of Micah and how he’s no longer around.
There’s been so many times that I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and call him just so I can hear his voice, but I can’t get past the hurt of Micah sending me away like he did.
That’s not how things were supposed to go down. It wasn’t supposed to end with me walking away and losing him.
But we both knew that my brother wasn’t going to change his mind. We were living in a fairytale if we thought otherwise. As much as it hurts, I believe Micah did it because he trusted it was the best thing to do at the time.
I’m still not sure if Alexander and I are completely good with each other, but I just can’t be there anymore.
I’m doing what is best for everyone.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Tegan?” my brother asks, reaching for my bags. “I know things have been a little messed up for a few days now, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.”
“I can’t stay, Xan.” I look up to meet his eyes, mine feeling heavy. “Being there is only a reminder of how you and Micah are no longer talking because of me. And I can’t sit there, dying inside because I want to be with a man that I can’t have. I’m too emotionally exhausted to fight when it’ll never end with your approval.”
His eyes are filled with guilt as he watches me grab the bags from him. “I’m only protecting you and you know it, Tegan. As much as I wish I could believe that Micah Beck is capable of a relationship, when you’ve known him as long as I have and have seen as much as I have, I just . . . I can’t. I’m sorry for that.”
“Yeah, well I’m sorry too.” I swing my bags over my shoulder, before looking back up at him. “But maybe you should at least thank him for making me walk away from him. He’s the reason I left with you that night. I was willing to take my chance that you’d eventually forgive me, but I’m guessing he wasn’t willing to take that same chance and risk the two of us never speaking again.”
My brother’s jaw flexes as he runs his hands up and down his face. It takes him a moment before he’s able to speak. “He made you leave that night?”
I nod and release a breath. “My flight is about to leave. I should get going.” I give my brother a quick kiss on the cheek and walk away, before I can change my mind about leaving.
I just hope that maybe Alexander knowing what Micah gave up for us is enough for them to eventually work things out.
I may not be able to have a relationship with Micah, but maybe I can begin to heal if I know that my brother can again.
I didn’t bother telling my parents or anyone else for that matter that I was returning today.
The truth is, I just want some time to be alone, before falling back into my old life.
I’m sure Whitney will be shocked once she comes home to find me here, but I’m hoping to tell her as little as possible so that I don’t have to think about it.
Today is the last day I’m able to work on my book before sending it off to the editor, so I spend most of the evening doing re-writes and changing things that just don’t feel right anymore.
Still Breathing pretty much ended up turning into mine and Micah’s story, as hard as I tried not to let that happen, so it only feels right that I change the story to fit what really happened.
A lot of my readers may end up upset, but not everyone is lucky enough to get a happily ever after.
After typing out “The end” I hit send on the email and close down my laptop.
The editor will have the story for three days and then it’s going to straight to the formatter who will have it for two.
I plan to hit publish in five days.
I should be excited, but I feel anything but. I expected to be celebrating this moment, not sitting around depressed in a pair of old pajamas, hiding away from the world.
But things don’t always go as planned.
I get comfortable in bed, well, as comfortable as I can, and turn on the TV as a distraction. Unfortunately, it doesn’t distract me as much as I had hoped and I find myself checking my phone every so often as if I expect to hear from Micah.
I’m sure if he was going to call or text that he would’ve done it by now, but a girl can only hope, right?”
When my phone goes off twenty minutes later I get a small surge of hope, but when I open the message it’s only Jamie responding to my earlier text. Even though I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I send her a simple text to let her know that I’ll explain everything to her in a few days.
After tossing my phone aside, I turn over a few times and fight to get comfortable, but it’s impossible. Being here doesn’t feel the same as it used to.
My bed used to be my escape from the world. The place I went to when I wanted to hide out and write, and now all I want to do is be in a different bed.
I know I was only away for a little over three weeks, but here doesn’t feel like home anymore.
“Tegan . . . are you home?”
Whitney’s voice comes from the kitchen, so I sit up and lean against the headboard.
“I’m in my room,” I mumble.
Her face is beaming when she walks in, but quickly turns into a look of confusion once she notices my appearance. “Oh, honey. What the hell happened to you?” She takes a seat on the edge of my bed. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
“I haven’t,” I admit. “I messed everything up and I haven’t had a moment of silence in my mixed-up brain since. I’m driving myself insane, Whit.”
She gives me a sad face. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I say softly. “I think what I need is a week-long nap before I’m ready to talk about things. I’m hurting right now and need to figure things out. That’s all.”
“I hate this.” Whitney throws her arms around me and the moment she pulls me in close, I lose it, and the tears begin to fall.
I’m so mixed up; confused and angry at the moment, and it’s been building and building for the last three days. I can’t hold it in any longer.
I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to feel broken from the loss of Micah, but I do.
I know it’ll take time to get used to being without him, but the truth is I don’t want to get used to being without him.
I don’t want to get used to not feeling his strong arms around me or feeling his lips brush against my neck whenever we’re close.
Micah Beck isn’t someone you can just learn to get over. He’s someone that you learn to love, and once you do you never stop.
“I’m sorry, sweets,” she says, consoling me as she rubs my head. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
I shake my head and pull away from her grip. “No, I just need some sleep. Exhaustion is kicking my ass and making everything worse than it really is. I promise.” I force a smile to make her feel better. “I’ll be better once I get some sleep.”
“Alright,” she breathes. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m here when you want to talk. Okay?”
I nod. “I know. Thank you.”
“That’s what friends are for, and just know that if this has anything to do with the sexy guitar guy then I’ll fly to California and kick his ass myself.”
Her threat has me smiling. “I don’t doubt that.”
She smiles back and looks toward the door when Ethan calls her name. “Get some rest, babe.”
I watch as she stands up and exits the room.
And like a fool, I reach for my phone and pull up the picture I took of Micah the first night I watched him perform.
The sight of him sitting there with his hair flowing around him while he plays his guitar has me throwing my phone across the room in anger and hurt.
I may have told myself that the only reason he pushed me away was because of Alexander, but I’m not so sure I’m fully convinced that was the only reason.
Maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do for him. If he did it wouldn’t be this easy for him.
It’s that thought that has me wishing I never went to California in the first place, because the idea of Micah not loving me back hurts worse than anything I could ever imagine . . .