CHAPTER 51
Perfect timing. Lou. The friend Cait’s passing off as an ex-boyfriend. At first I asked if he was her boyfriend as a joke, but when she outright lied, I played along to see how far she would take it. It’s like she subconsciously knew it would kill me.
The first time I saw them together, I had a heart attack. And when he kissed her on the cheek, I saw red. Thankfully, Linden got me up to speed. Lou’s not into chicks. That should be enough to settle my shit, but seeing her with any guy twists my heart. Maybe I’m jealous of any person who is lucky enough to orbit her world, or maybe he represents what I’ll never be.
At the sight of him, I slam the door and head straight for my bedroom. I drag a duffle bag from the closet and toss it on the bed. It’s not long before I’m packed and shuffling outside. Shelby will be pissed when she finds out, but I need to get the fuck out of town.
I call Linden to tell him to meet me. My taxi stops at Grayson & Wade’s building. Linden’s already waiting at the curb, wearing a perturbed expression. I roll down the cab’s window.
“So it went well, huh?” He leans in, peering inside.
“Give me the damn keys.”
“Try not to get too fucked up.” He tosses them in my lap and steps back like I’m about to explode.
“Go,” I tell the driver. Linden shakes his head, watching us drive away. Meddling motherfucker.
By afternoon, I’m releasing my duffle from my grip. It drops to the floor of Linden and Viv’s apartment in New York City. I head straight for the bar, select a bottle of Jack, and plant my ass on the sofa. With my teeth, I twist off the top and spit it across the room. After a long swig, I open a video of Cait on my phone, select the repeat button, and prop it against a leather box sitting on the coffee table.
As I watch us on vacation on the beach in Miami, I tell myself it’s over. We’re done. If I pretend we broke up, maybe I can survive this like any other relationship. People do this all the time. Why should I be any different? For the first time in years, I let myself mourn that she’s out of my life. Something I never allowed myself before now.
I give in to the sorrow and break down. I spent so many years hating myself for making the wrong decisions, and now I can be done with her and us. The more I drink, the easier the idea of moving on becomes. I drink until I fall on my side and the video’s unreadable behind my blurring vision. The empty bottle slips from my grasp to the floor. I relent to the darkness that’s been eating away at me for years.
After several days of binging to forget us, I wake to the phone ringing. I moan. The annoying sound radiates between my ears, rattling my brain. The taste of vomit sours my tongue. I sit upright and pinch my aching forehead. Mercifully, the ringing stops.
But now I’m awake and remembering what happened. If I didn’t hate myself enough before, I do now. God, I’m a fucking asshole. Why couldn’t I have stayed away from her?
The phone rings again.
“Motherfuck.” I reach for the cell to decline the call but accidentally press the accept button instead. A whiny little mouse voice bitches me out at a mile a minute on the other end. Shelby. I turn on the speaker, allowing the full force of her rage to fill the room. My face plants back into a pillow. Horizontal is better than vertical.
“And how dare you leave me in the lurch again! I’ve got a mind to kick your skinny ass to the curb. I can’t work like this, you lovesick, dumb-shit, crooked-dick, no-good, cactus-ass, classless sack of pussy juice. You don’t deserve a best friend like me. You deserve no friends.”
“Cactus ass?” I slur with my cheek pressed into a pillow. My lips twitch in search of a smile. Gotta love this girl.
“I’m one hundred percent confident in my assessment. Shall I continue?”
“Only if you want me to hang up.”
“Where are you?” she asks, her anger cooling a bit.
“Far away from your cactus-ass-kicking foot.”
She hrumffs. “When are you coming back?”
“What’s the answer you want?”
“Evan!” Her anger’s back.
“This is your fault,” I remind.
“My fault.” I can see her expression in my mind. Her head cranked and eyes warning me to watch myself.
“You told me not to tell her.”
“Did you?”
“No.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I want to.”
And that’s the root of everything that’s gone wrong. It has been since the day she left. I’ve wanted to tell her but Linden talked me out of it for her sake. Her parents stopped me for their hate, and eventually I stopped myself because it was too late. What I’m starting to understand is that not even allowing myself one night to say goodbye will extinguish my love for her. I’m magically not going to give a shit. If I were, it would have already happened.
“So tell her. Be done with it. Whatever happens, happens. At least you’ll know she knows. You deserve some peace too. It’s not only about her.” She pauses. “It’s not like you haven’t suffered too. I never understood all your crazy quirks until you explained, but now I do.”
She continues, “How many times have you jumped out of your skin because of a loud noise? You thought they were gunshots. How many times have we gone to a restaurant and insisted on having your back against the wall? How may times have you scanned the hands of the people around you. You were looking for a guns. In your dreams, how many times have you seen your best friend die in your arms? You need closure, Evan. And after you get it, maybe you can be whatever the hell normal is for you.”
I listen to Shelby in silence. I’ve done all those things, even searched enclosed rooms for ways to escape. I’ve spent years playing with the events in my mind, rehashing what I could have done different to change the outcome. If I had only stayed home and made love to Cait instead of working, if I had only left early to find her in the park, if only I had arrived at the Square sooner, if only I could have found the gunman and stopped him for myself. All alternate scenarios meant Steph and all the others would still be alive, and Cait and I would have a different life right now. We’d be together, married and with kids.
When I hang up with Shelby, that’s when I decide to take a different path, like I should have long ago. The one I’ve wanted to take all along, where I’m not always sacrificing myself for Cait’s needs. It’s time to place everything in front of her so she can make her own decisions without me choosing for her. If I do, there will be no more secrets to hide from and no more excuses for me to hide behind.
I take some time to get myself together, and then I do something insane—visit her parents.