ChapterThhirty-Six - Harper
“I don’t think there’s any food in here, Sasha.”
“I bought us food at the visitor center, remember?”
“Ohhhh… I forgot. What’d you get? I’m so hungry!”
She goes over to her backpack and pulls out a plastic bag and then begins emptying the contents on the kitchen counter. Chips, those disgusting orange crackers, a half-eaten bag of gummy things, a chocolate bar that looks like it melted then congealed, and four sausage sticks.
Even though I have not eaten in two days, my stomach flips over just thinking about that food. “James!” I call out.
“Yeah,” he answers back a few seconds later. What’s he doing in there? I walk towards the living room and find him pulling on a shirt. “What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m hungry and Sasha only bought junk food.”
“Hey,” Sasha complains. “It was a vending machine, what do you expect?”
“Can we go get something real?” I smile sweetly at James because his eyebrows are all knitted together, creating some serious worry lines across his forehead. “Just some tacos or something? Please, I’m so hungry.”
His worry lines soften and he smiles at me. “Yeah, OK, we gotta eat, right?” He looks over at Sasha now. “Are we all in agreement that we’ll spend the night here?”
“This place is practically my home,” Sasha says with her new attitude. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay here while you guys go get food.”
“Negative, Soldier Smurf,” James says. “Get your shoes on, we’re sticking together from now on.”
Sasha laughs at her nickname and then runs off to grab her things, while James puts his hands on my waist. “You look… fuckable.”
“Mmm.” I place my palm on his perfectly muscled chest. He draws in a breath as I let my fingertip trace the outline of his nipple and when I look up his mouth is already there. His lips are soft right now. He gives me a small open-mouth kiss, and pulls away, then comes back to nip my lip the way he does. My hands automatically wrap around his neck. I am eager for more. Whenever he’s near, I feel a want inside me. I want to touch him, lick his beautiful body, wrap my legs around him, and never let him go. “Don’t leave me,” I whisper impulsively as he continues to gift me with his small, tender kisses.
“I’m not going anywhere without you.”
“That’s not true and you know it. We have to part sometime. What does our future look like? You will have jobs to do. Like Nick. You’ll leave me standing here on the deck of the boat, waving. And my heart will crash and burn every time, thinking I will never see you again.”
“Harper—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off gently. “Don’t say that’s not how it will be, because we both know it will. I want to do things with you, James. More than just sex. I want to have dinner with you, and go on vacation with you, and celebrate things with you. Like birthdays and Christmases. It’s a child’s dream to never be away from the ones she loves. I understand that. But I’m getting so used to you, James.” I look up at him and he’s frowning. “I’m getting so used to you, it scares me. Because I know this is only our beginning. All the struggles are out there yet. In front of us. Things we have to get through to have some kind of future. And I can’t do it, James. I’m not that strong of a person. I need pills if I have to stay behind and wait to hear if you’re still alive.”
“No,” he says, tipping my chin up to make me look him in the eyes. “No more pills, Harper. Promise me. They’re a crutch and they make you weak and vulnerable. Your father gave you those pills to control you, don’t you understand?”
I disentangle myself from his embrace and turn my head. “If you’ve never been overcome with panic, then you have no idea what’s it like. I feel like I’m dying, James. Like my heart will come flying through my chest and life will be over. And if I don’t take the pills, then my mind starts in. Imagining my own death. Imagining the end. Giving in to the inevitability of it. If I don’t have the pills I give up.” I look back at him and swallow. “You take that giving-up feeling away. You make me feel safe… you’re like my cure. But without you…” I just shake my head.
His hands find my waist once again and he pulls me close and the heat of his body combined with the heat of his stare makes me want to melt into him, make myself part of him, and never let him go. “I can’t promise you we’ll never be apart. It wouldn’t be honest. But I can promise you one thing. If I leave you, I will come back.”
“How long will it take you to come back?” I ask, desperate for something to hold on to. “Give me a number of days. So I can count them.”
He laughs at me and I laugh with him. “Harper.”
“I know it’s stupid, but just give me a number. Five days?”
“Five?” He laughs again, but it’s a hearty laugh. A genuine laugh. Like that’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “Five days.” He breathes the words out. “It’s not very long. I can’t get much of anything done in five days, Harp. How about fourteen?”
“Fourteen!” Now it’s my turn to laugh. Only I’m appalled. “Nick was only ever gone for ten days at the most before we turned eighteen. And I about died of heartbreak that time. And now he’s been gone for three hundred and thirty-four days!”
“Shhhh,” he says to me. “Stop now. Ten days I can promise. OK?”
“I don’t know,” I waffle on the ten days. Ten days feels like forever too…
“Ten days. You can count them.”
“And you won’t be late?” I plead up to him. “You won’t forget?”
“I won’t,” he says as he kisses me once more. His fingertips thread though my hair and he pulls back just enough to whisper in my mouth. “I promise to never be late.”
I sigh with relief. But it’s just a small relief. It’s stupid to ask for this promise because there are so many ways for him to break it. I’m just setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak.
“OK,” Sasha yells from the living room. “I’m ready.”
James kisses me one more time and then leads me back to the living room.
“I’m so hungry, I want seafood,” I tell him.
“This is the desert. You might have to settle for fish tacos.”
“Oh.” I let the disappointment slip out, but then I recover so my sucky attitude doesn’t ruin our night. “OK, fish tacos are fine.” You’d think I’d have taken advantage of all the fresh seafood while I was living at the beach, but I didn’t frequent any of the nicer dining places. I only ate takeout. I’ve never had a fish taco. We usually ate on the ship when we were in port. But if we did go to a restaurant, it wasn’t the beach huts where one usually finds fish tacos in the tropics. But if that’s all I can get here, I’ll take it.
We pile in to the sweltering Hummer. Sasha complains loudly about the hot leather seats and scoots over to sit on the ‘hump’, which in a Hummer is as big as a table. There should be a nice long bench set in this thing so a person could use it as a bed. But no. Two regular-sized buckets and the table thing in the middle.
“Sasha, sit your ass in a seat,” James barks at her. “And put your seatbelt on.”
She does what he says, but not quietly.
I peek back at her and smile. We feel sort of like a family. James is talking about restaurants as we pull out of the long driveway, then wait for a lone car to pass before turning towards the late afternoon sun and heading into the actual city of Palm Springs. Sasha talks about things kids think about. Things I might have thought about last year, like the shimmer you see on the road off in the distance when it’s hot out or the different types of cactus. Back when I was a kid. Back before I gave up my family for this life of waiting.
I know James is lying about the ten days thing. But he knows, no matter what my head says about it, my heart will believe him once.
And I just have to hold out hope that once is all it will take for him to come back for me.