Chapter Seven
The next week Eva spent inside her apartment. She ordered groceries to be delivered and a courier from Luciano brought her pieces of the score for her to begin learning before rehearsals. She knew that the score would change as they went, as he heard her voice.
She played out her notes on the piano knowing her voice wouldn’t even hum out the music. Every day she considered going to Luciano, telling him she wasn’t up to singing the part of Lucretia. The words, the story, everything terrified her.
Usually just after she considered giving up the role, she then thought of going to Ambrose. Walking into his apartment, opening herself to him. Giving herself completely over to the music, that lay within her when she was with him.
Bridget came to spend two nights on her sofa on her way to Cincinnati. Bridget was subletting her apartment and she no longer had use of her own bed.
“We have chamomile, Throat Coat, or a lemon ginger,” Bridget called from the kitchen. Eva smiled at the way Bridget had appropriated Eva’s tea as being theirs, and not solely Eva’s.
“The second,” Eva said from the living room. Eva trailed her fingertips along her throat. She was weak and it brought a malaise, an over riding sadness to her life. Perhaps the doctor had been right and all she’d needed was vocal rest. Maybe if she hadn’t sung for Ambrose, hadn’t gone to the audition, she would be better by now.
Bridget brought the two mugs in. “When do you start rehearsals?”
“In a week.” Eva held her mug in her hands, the tea too hot to drink yet.
“It makes no sense, you were able to sing for them? And you’re sure you’ll be able to sing at rehearsals?” Bridget raised her eyebrows.
Eva nodded, not meeting Bridget’s eyes.
“Ok, if you say so.” Bridget stirred her milky concoction. Bridget had taken over the living room for two hours both days, to warm up and then work through the music she’d been given by the Cincinnati Opera.
Eva had almost asked Bridget to sing through the part of Lucretia for her, so that she could at least hear the music on someone’s voice, but she didn’t dare. Eva let her eyes travel over the photocopied sheet music in her hands. Her mind tried to stitch the words and the music together, but what she really needed was to sing it, at least once, before showing up to the first rehearsals.
“How are you feeling?” Bridget put a hand on Eva’s knee.
Eva looked up surprised at the concern she heard in Bridget’s voice. “Fine… my voice will be just fine, I just don’t want to strain it with the practice.”
“No, I meant… you have a stomach bug or something, right?” Bridget leaned back into the sofa.
“Oh, yes, something.” Eva’s stomach had been queasy after so much tea and the endless cough drops. She smiled at Bridget, “Just too much tea I think.”
“As long as you’re not pregnant,” Bridget said jokingly.
Eva smiled at her friend but her heart stopped beating for second. Eva picked up the score in front of her. She’d annotated the English translation of the Italian that Luciano was writing the music in.
The child inside me grows and my decision grows ever closer with it, Eva read the words. Lucretia sang the words in the second act. Eva felt her stomach twist. It was only an opera, it was her character, not real life.
“Do you want to watch something? We could be terrible and watch something super girly…” Bridget looked up from her mug.
“Is that code for Cary Grant?” Eva pulled her thoughts back to the present moment but she still felt the fluttering pulse of misgiving.
When Eva showed up at her follow-up appointment with the doctor she was feeling a stronger kick of nerves pulsing through her.
Her voice was barely audible. She’d begun carrying a notebook around with her so she could write out her thoughts or requests and show them to people rather than speak to anyone.
“I don’t think the vocal rest is doing much good,” the doctor with his thinning hair sat across from Eva. She nodded. She didn’t have the heart to tell him that she’d sung and spoken during the time she was supposed to have been taking a break.
“And the blood test?” She whispered, she’d meant to wait for him to bring it up but the growing trepidation had been too strong.
“We’ll have that in a few days.” He smiled as if it weren’t a big deal. “It looks like surgery might be in the cards after all. I think I would like a colleague of mine to look at you first. It couldn’t hurt to get a second opinion.”
Eva nodded her thanks and stood. She felt worse than when she’d come in.
She walked out of the office and into the waiting elevator. Everything in her wanted to walk straight to Ambrose’s apartment or to the opera house, wherever he was. She wanted answers to her questions, she wanted to know what was happening to her body and why Luciano had chosen an opera where the lead female was losing her voice and impregnated by the Vampire King.
Her breasts felt tender, her stomach was lurching... but it seemed very possible that her mind was creating symptoms where none existed. How was she possibly supposed to wait a few days for the blood test to come in?
No, she wasn’t pregnant. That was not what this was. She shook her head.
She’d been denying the possibility of pregnancy, pushing it stubbornly from her mind every time the thought made its way into her mind. Then somewhere in the middle of her examination she just rasped, “Can I get a blood test, I think there’s a possibility that I might be pregnant…”
Did she really think that? Her words had surprised her, and the doctor. The doctor looked at her wide hips as if she would be a natural candidate for such a thing. It wasn’t his specialty, it was probably something he never did, but there was a nurse in the office and it was easy enough to take a blood sample and have it sent out to a lab.
Ambrose. Ambrose Leroy. Eva’s mind swilled over his image. She couldn’t bear to think of it. He would never be ok with Eva’s having his child. He was a profligate womanizer. He tossed women over like they were nothing more than lunch.
As much as she wanted to go to him, imagined going to him, she also saw the blonde head of Tessa and the cropped brown head of Cecile. Each time she passed an attractive woman on the street she thought of Ambrose wrapped in her arms and legs. A deep jealousy and need bubbled up in her.
She’d never been a jealous woman before. She’d always been the best in her voice classes. She’d seen the greedy looks her male teachers had given her. She’d briefly tested the waters of dating but soon found that her work, her voice, her singing was more important than spending time in the arms of a boy.
Ambrose was different. He was a man. He was world famous for his art, for his voice, but…
Eva stopped her mind. She would go home and forget about the possibility of the blood test, the possibility that had burrowed its way into her mind.
When she got home she realized that she had a missed call. She had not heard her cell phone go off in the depths of her bag.
It was Luciano. Official rehearsals would still not start until the end of the week but she and Ambrose were to work with Luciano tomorrow. Alone.
Eva had made a decision. She hadn’t made it consciously, but somewhere along the way she’d chosen nonetheless. Music was her life. Her voice was fading and she knew that she could never bear to be without it.
As she dressed for her informal rehearsal with Ambrose and Luciano she knew that she’d chosen. She would sing. She was choosing the life Ambrose had spoken vaguely about, she was choosing Ambrose, she was choosing music.
The next day, when she walked in to the rehearsal studio, Ambrose wasn’t there.
“Ah,” Luciano looked up at her. His dark eyes twinkled up from the score in front of him. “I’ve made some changes, Glenda will guide you through them but I don’t think they will prove a problem.” He stood and walked toward Eva.
“You look lovely,” Luciano studied Eva.
“Oh?” Eva heard the scratchy croak but tried to make it sound natural.
Luciano smiled then ushered Eva into the room. Eva looked back, as if Ambrose might suddenly appear behind her. If she spoke they would notice her voice, if she tried to sing it would be a disaster. She moved in close to Glenda, “Is Ambrose joining us?” She tried to make it sound like a confidential whisper.
Glenda looked up at Eva with a quizzical expression but she didn’t press Eva on her voice.
“He’ll be here, he had an interview with the New York Times,” Glenda said, still evaluating Eva. “Nothing to worry about.”
Eva tried to smile. She couldn’t sing without him in the room, that much was clear to her. Even now she imagined the horrible strains and cracks in her song. Luciano would throw her from the room, fire her on the spot if she opened her mouth for one second.
Glenda moved the pages of sheet music in front of her. “We’ll start on the third bar of the first aria,” she said as looked over a slim pair of glasses.
Eva stood behind her. Panic was growing through her body. Where was Ambrose? How long would he be? She couldn’t possibly tackle any part of the song without his presence.
Glenda’s fingers began gliding over the piano and a stream of music poured out into the room. To Eva Glenda’s effortless production of music was more terrifying to her right now then the bridge incident had been.
Eva could see Luciano from the corner of her eye and she heard the break in the music where she was supposed to come in. Eva opened her mouth. Nothing came out.
“You’ll come in just there,” Glenda didn’t even look up. She simply began again. Eva took a shaky breath. Her whole body was beginning to break into a sweat, her stomach was clenching and she tried desperately to relax the muscles in her throat. She had to think of an excuse and be able to say it out loud without alerting Luciano to her distress.
There was the same break in the music and Eva exhaled, willing herself into action.
Eva put a hand to her mouth to keep her voice muffled on purpose.
“I’m a little off today,” Eva whispered.
“I can hear that.” Glenda looked up at Eva, taking off her glasses. So Glenda had been able to hear Eva’s troubles—not really a surprise, anyone could hear that there was something wrong with Eva’s voice box. “Has this ever happened before?”
Eva could see that Glenda was asking the question that Luciano wanted the answer to.
Eva shook her head no and looked away from Glenda’s eyes. She meant to tell the truth, she wanted to tell the truth, but she couldn’t. Telling the truth meant giving up Lucretia, giving up what might be her only chance to make it in the opera world, it meant giving up Ambrose.
Singing was her life and even though her heart knew he was heartbreak, Eva couldn’t let Ambrose go.
“Tea,” Eva tried to make the word clear. “I’ll be back.” She tried her best to look confident and not show how terrified she truly was. She should have made sure Ambrose was in the room before even entering, she should have asked someone ahead of time.
Eva did her best to walk confidently from the room, then practically ran down the hall.