thirteen
Declan
It’s been about six weeks since Holly and I started dating again. Other than the issues we had with Stephan and Justine, things are going great. No sex yet, but we’ve had no other arguments, either. Holly had her lunch with Stephan and explained it was well and truly over, and I fired Justine.
I took Holly’s advice and hired Baxter to be my PR guy. Justine was pissed, but once I signed the paperwork for the Slammed Inc. show, she was fine. She just wanted the last little piece of my money if she wasn’t going to get my cock again. We parted with well wishes for each other, and I’ll hopefully never see her again.
“Hey, Dec, your box just came,” Baxter says, bringing the box inside.
“Perfect, I need that for my date with Holly tonight.”
“Did you order sex toys to stroke the slow-burning flame you guys have?”
“Shut it, asshole. There’s nothing wrong with going slow.”
“If you say so. It all seems boring to me. You live in separate apartments and you’re not having sex. In fact, your last date was dinner with your parents. Are you twenty-five or forty-five?”
To hear him say it, we do sound boring as fuck.
“Maybe I’ll take her to The Scene next week. A night of dancing could lead to some fun.”
“You mean to some fucking, and hell yeah, it can. What are you waiting for, anyway? I’ve heard that girl scream down apartment walls while you’ve fucked her with your massive man muscle. I don’t think she’s going to turn you down.”
“We’ll see. I just want her to be sure. I don’t want to push her into something she isn’t ready for.”
Baxter sits down across from me with a stack of paperwork in his lap. “Is there such a thing as being ready? I understand you two are working through things, but this is Holly we’re talking about. Out of all the people reuniting in the world, the two of you are the ones I thought would jump headfirst into the deep end. No hesitation, no lost time to worry about.”
While he works, I think about what he said. Maybe the problem is we can’t get out of our own heads. The two of us should take a trip—somewhere we won’t be distracted or interrupted by the outside world.
A little while later, as I’m researching beachfront rentals and lakefront cabins in the mountains, trying to decide on a course for our getaway, Baxter gasps.
“More dick pics?”
“Not even close,” he replies, and I turn around to see him frantically texting on his phone.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on or am I going to have to guess?”
There’s a knock at the door, and when I answer it, I’m faced with a concerned Holly. “What’s going on?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. Baxter, what the hell are you freaking out about?”
“Sit down and read the email I have pulled up.”
We sit next to each other on the couch and Baxter passes us his laptop. As my eyes begin scanning the words, my stomach plummets.
“Nope, not reading this.” As I let go of the computer, Holly balances it on her lap.
“Declan, you have to,” he says.
“No, I don’t.”
Holly squeezes my knee and looks at me with sympathy. “Do you want me to read it to you?”
“Yeah, okay.”
Dear Declan,
My name is Candace Barnes, and I live in Phoenix Arizona. Last week, my son Thomas was home for the weekend and brought you to my attention. Tom is eighteen and a freshman at UC Riverside. While Tom was visiting, he watched your debut show on the Slammed Inc. social network.
You’ll have to forgive me if I’m not making much sense yet. This is a difficult email to write. Nineteen years ago, I met a man, your father, Adam James. He was charming and charismatic and swept me off my feet and into the most exciting love affair of my life (at that time). A few months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. At the time, I was only eighteen myself. I was inexperienced in the ways of the world. I had been homeschooled and came from a strict Christian family.
When I found out I was pregnant, your father tried to do right by me. He helped me find a job, got me into my own apartment, even helped me enroll in school. It was everything I could have possibly wished for. He traveled a lot for business, and we never lived together, but I never wanted for a thing. Our age difference wasn’t a big deal to me; the love we had was more important than the fourteen years separating us.
One day, when I was about eight months pregnant, I was visited by a woman. To this day, I still don’t know who she was. Back then, I thought she’d wrecked my life, but today I think of her as my angel. She saved Tom and me from a horrible situation. The woman told me Adam wasn’t who I thought he was. That he had a wife and a seven-year-old son, but that wasn’t the worst of it. He also had other women he was seeing. Although, as far as I know, he had no other children.
When I confronted your father, he admitted all of it was true. He didn’t seem bothered by how upset I was. In fact, he was almost dismissive. He confessed your mother was the love of his life and even though he loved her, he didn’t have the capability of remaining faithful. Adam swore to me you were his only child. When I told him I wasn’t interested in sharing him with another woman, that was the last I ever saw of him.
I never knew your name, nor your mom’s. Not once did I research him or try to find him again. He sent a cashier’s check each month and always seemed to know when we moved. We’ve had a good life. I married a wonderful man and have three other children. As I watched my four kids grow, the one regret I always had was that Tom never got to know his brother.
I’m sure this is a lot to take in, and I apologize for reaching out this way. Having survived an ambush by a stranger myself, I thought an email would be better than a visit. When Tom was home, he was riveted by your show. He explained some kids from school raved about your videos and your channel and convinced him to watch this new one.
After watching your video, he came to me with red-rimmed eyes and asked me to watch it. Right away, I knew who you were. It’s striking how much the two of you look alike. You both have Adam’s eyes, dark hair, and the need for glasses, though Tom chooses contact lenses. Between your shared looks, and the same last name, I knew it was time to come clean and tell Tom the truth about Adam … and you.
I feel like I owe you an apology, Declan. The same one I owed my son. Even though I knew about your existence, I did nothing to try to facilitate a relationship between the two of you. I never told Tom he had a brother, and he’s quite angry with me for it. In all fairness, I didn’t know if your parents were still together. Breaking up a marriage wasn’t high on my list of priorities. I felt guilty enough for the affair, even though I didn’t know I was the other woman, or one of many other women. I didn’t want to blow up your world, or your mother’s, the way mine was. Sometimes, Declan, ignorance is bliss. Before I knew about Adam’s lifestyle choices, I’d been happy. I wouldn’t ever want to be the cause of taking that away from someone else.
I’ve no right to ask you for any favors, but Tom would like to meet you and get to know you. He’s an amazing young man who is hoping to become a doctor. I’m attaching a photo of him so you can see the resemblance, as well as the only photo I have of Adam and me that was taken while I was pregnant. You don’t know me, and you have no reason to believe me, but I hope you do.
Tom wanted to seek you out, but I convinced him to let me try to contact you first. I’m not sure which is worse: for you to be living in a happy family and I’ve just killed your perception of that, or for you to have known about the man your father is all along. If you’d like to talk to me, or directly to Tom, our contact information is enclosed. I know it’s a big thing to ask, but I would appreciate it if you could please reply with your intentions. I can hold Tom off if I know definitively that you may or may not be open to a relationship, but if you don’t answer either of us, he’ll likely track you down. I hope that doesn’t come off like a threat; he’s a determined eighteen-year-old boy who wants to know his family and legally doesn’t have to listen to his mom anymore.
If it’s worth anything, I’d like to know you, too. My home is always open to you if you’d like to get away and get to know an extension of your family.
Kind Regards,
Candace
Time passed slowly after Holly read the letter. We looked at the pictures, and then I shut down. Without a word to her or Baxter, I came to my room and laid down. I’ve been here ever since. It’s becoming dark in my room, so I know the day has slipped past, but I just can’t find it in myself to care.
When the front door closes, I wonder which of them has left. It doesn’t take too long to get my answer when Holly slides into bed with me. With an easy grace, she wraps her arms around me from behind and holds me.
“You don’t have to talk to me, but I’m not leaving you alone.” Placing a kiss against my neck, she tucks her chin into the crook of my neck and shoulder.
I’m so fucked in the head right now, and even though I want her with me more than anything, I’m terrified. My shoulders tremble, and the sobs I’ve been holding in for hours escape.
“Oh, baby, it’s all going to work out, you’ll see,” she says, trying to soothe me.
When she releases me, a wave of panic floods through me, but she only moves long enough to face me. Brushing away my tears with her thumb, she kisses my cheeks lovingly.
“Declan, we’re going to get through this together. Remember when Dawn showed up with Heather? I was so angry, but you got me through it. What’s your biggest fear about this whole thing?”
“That I’m just like him.”
Her shocked expression rapidly turns to anger. She scoots closer, cups my cheeks, and kisses me with all her heart. “You are not like him. We are not our parents.”
“All the women, Holly, you don’t know that’s the case.” Fuck, I’m so torn up over this I just want to throw up.
“I do know, Declan, because I know you. You are the same man who nursed me through chicken pox when I was fifteen. The same man who danced with Baxter at prom more than me because he didn’t have a date. The same man who helped me shower, went to all my classes and took notes, fed me, and dressed me when I broke my arm.”
“Those are just things, Holly.”
She sighs in frustration. “No, that’s love. So was the time you rented out the pizza place where we had our second date so we could celebrate our first anniversary of living together in candlelight. How about the time you came to my apartment to beg me back because we made a huge mistake in breaking up? Or the time you broke up with me because you thought I needed to experience more before we could be happy together.”
“Exactly, Holly!”
“Baby, I’m not making light of that situation at all. You did something that was inherently against everything you wanted because you thought I wanted it. Who does that?”
“Me, apparently.”
She answers with a smile. “That’s right, you do. Come on, Declan, we’re just getting started. We could nip this in the bud right now and come out relatively unscathed. Is that what you want? Do you want to go fuck another seventy-eight women?”
“You know I don’t.”
“Do you want me to go fuck another five guys?”
Is she trying to piss me off?
“If anyone else touches you, the outcome won’t be good for them.”
“The only person I want touching me is you. You’re it for me, Declan. I’m done fighting it, I’m done going slow. You’re the only man in my heart, and you’re the only one who ever will be. For the love of God, admit to yourself that you’re not him, you could never be him, and make love to me.”
“I’m not sure I can do that. I’ve only ever made love to my girlfriend. Are you ready to take back that role in my life again and everything that goes with it? I need you all in, Holls, or we need to wait.”
“What is everything?”
The tenderness in her voice pushes me further. As I comb my fingers through her hair, I think about what I want from her. “I’m tired of sleeping alone, and if you don’t want to move in, I get it, but sleep in my bed at night. Or I’ll sleep in yours.”
“I think we can manage that.”
“No more dancing around our feelings. We have to stop being afraid of hurting each other. I’m an open book to you, Holly, but you have to open up to me soon.”
“Soon, Declan, but not now. One crisis at a time.”
“Fine, if you agree to start being my date. I know you don’t want to be in the public eye, I get that. But unfortunately, it’s my job to be in the limelight. You belong by my side, love. Parties, premieres, award shows, my date should be you. Do you want other women throwing themselves at me?”
She cringes, and I’m glad. “That’s exactly what happens when I go alone, or with Baxter. If you had a work function, I’d go with you. One of Natalie’s book signings? I’m there. Want me to be eye candy to get more readers to her table? Done.”
I feel like I’m pushing her away, but I’ve got nothing else to lose. We’ve lost two years already; we can’t afford to lose any more time.
“How long do I fill this exclusive girlfriend role?”
“As long as it takes for me to convince you to turn it into a permanent position as my wife.”
Her smile is wide as she brushes her thumbs over my cheeks. “There you are, Declan James, I knew you were in there somewhere. You’re not your father and you never will be, and you know what else?”
“What?”
“I love you, and I’d be happy to fill whatever role you want me in as long as I’m with you.”
Finally! Today has been shit, but hearing her say she loves me makes everything better. “I love you, too. Come on, out of bed. I owe you a date tonight.”
She seems disappointed, but as much as I’d like to have sex with her, my head isn’t in the right place. I want to give her all my attention, but this brother thing is really fucking with me at the moment.
When we stand, I pull her close and hug her with everything I have. “When we do make love, I want you to be my sole focus. I don’t want this family stuff swimming around in my head.”
“I understand. You sure you’re in the mood for a date?”
“I am. This one is kind of different, but I think you’ll enjoy it.”
She tilts her head up and I lower my lips to hers. My cock begins to stir. “Someone didn’t get the memo,” Holly says, giggling.
“He got it, he’s just reminding me how much he wants to get back in his home.”
When our lips meet, our kiss is slow and gentle. This time, there’s no rush. We’re not afraid it will be the last time, or that we’ll somehow screw this up. No matter what happens, I’ll never make that kind of mistake again.
“Come on, I have a surprise for you.” I grab a pair of scissors from the counter and lead Holly to the box on the table before passing them to her. “Open it.”
Inside the box is another smaller box. She gives me a side-eye glance, but I’m not having it. “Just open it, love.”
“A date box?” She excitedly starts removing the contents.
“Yes, it’s a subscription box service. I’m supposed to try it out and give them a shout out on my channel to let them know how it went.”
“Ten easy questions to get to know your date better … and everything you need to make homemade cookies, minus fresh ingredients.”
“I have the butter, eggs, and milk.”
“Declan! This is amazing! Cookies are so totally us, too. Look, there’s frosting and sprinkles and everything.”
Seeing that smile on her face again is worth the two years I spent in my personal hell working my way back to her.
“Cookies first and questions while they bake?” My voice is drowned out by her opening and closing cabinets, looking for everything we need. Right in this moment, I know she meant what she said about being back together. Holly is too well-mannered to dig through someone’s cabinets—even mine. Not that I thought she wasn’t serious, but having it cemented in my mind is a huge wave of relief.
“Sounds good. Did you get to pick the kind of cookie? Or was chocolate chip a fluke?”
“I didn’t get to pick anything. They just sent Bax an email telling him what to have on hand to make the date go off without a hitch. Maybe he told them? I’m not sure.”
“That would make sense because the card in the box says sugar and chocolate chip cookies. Sugar explains the need for frosting and sprinkles. My guess is, if Bax didn’t tell them, someone over there did their Declan James research and doubled you up.”
“That could be. Or maybe they ran out of sugar. Chocolate chip cookies are a classic just the way they are. Only a pregnant person would put frosting and sprinkles on them.”
With sparkling eyes, she replies, “Actually, I think it could be good, and I’m definitely not pregnant. Not to change the subject, but are you hungry? You were in the bedroom a long time. You have the makings for spaghetti, and I have some garlic bread in my freezer.”
My stomach growls at the mention of spaghetti. “I’d love some. Want me to help?”
“Sure, I’d love that.”
Holly and I work side by side. She browns the meat and gets the bread going, while I work on the noodles and sauce. When the water boils, I drop the noodles in and stir them. After putting the spoon down, I move behind her and wrap my arms around her before lowering my mouth to her neck. “I’ve missed this.”
“Me, too,” she says as I push her hair aside, kissing my way up to her ear.
“Are you sure you don’t want to move in? I’ll go pack your stuff right now. Hell, I’ll move everything over one piece at a time if you say yes.”
“Let’s see how this goes. We only have a few months left on our leases. Maybe after that we can find a new place and make new, untainted memories there together.”
Pulling us away from the stove, I turn her in my arms. “We could buy a house.”
“I don’t have that kind of money, Declan.”
The hesitancy in her voice worries me, but I persist. “If we’re going to be together, we should share everything. What do you think I’ve been working so hard and saving for? It’s all been for our future, Holls.”
“Still, that’s … It’s a lot.”
“If we wouldn’t have broken up, would you have an issue with it? If we’d gotten married?”
“We did break up and we didn’t get married. As much as I’d like to, we can’t erase the last two years of our lives. We’re moving fast, and I don’t regret getting back together, but there are some things we should still take slow.”
As I brush her hair away from her face, we lock eyes. “We’re doing both, going slow where it’s important and moving fast to catch up where we can. Life is an adventure, Holly, let’s make the most of it.”
With a small kiss on my cheek, she shakes her head slightly and turns her attention to the rapidly boiling noodles. “What am I going to do with you?”
“For starters, take a trip with me. Before Baxter got that email, I was trying to decide between a beach vacation or a cabin in the mountains.”
“Really? I’m in, and I vote for a secluded cabin in the mountains. Maybe by the lake? It’s starting to get cooler, so we could swim in the daytime and relax by the fireside at night.”
My cock begins to stir thinking about Holly wet in the lake and naked by the fire. “Sold. When can we go?”
She drains the noodles as I turn off the sauce and take out the bread. Once we’re seated at the table with food and wine, we resume the conversation. “I’m going away for work this weekend and next weekend, but any time after that would be good,” she says, breaking off a piece of garlic bread.
“You’re going away two weekends in a row?” I’m pouting, but I don’t care. I just got her back.
“Yeah, I thought I told you.”
“I’m pretty sure I’d remember if you had.”
Ignoring my sarcastic tone, she continues, “Sorry, you know how it goes. I have to travel with Natalie a few weekends a year. A PA’s work is never done.”
“I know. If I schedule a trip for three weeks from now, can you go?”
“I’d love to, but what about your brother, Declan? Have you given any thought to him?”
Other than how to break this to my mom, he’s all I’ve been thinking about since the email came in. I want to know him—what he’s like, how we’re alike, how we’re different.
“I want to meet him. I’m not sure about his family yet.”
Her compassionate gaze reminds me of all the times she’s been there for me. We’ve known each other for almost twelve years; there’s nothing she doesn’t know about me.
“I’m glad, and I’ll help you any way I can.”
“Will you go with me to meet him?”
“Of course, as long as it’s not when I’m supposed to be out of town. I can’t leave Natalie stranded on such short notice. Besides, I could use the money.”
“Holly, do you need a loan?”
The look of abject horror on her face as she drops her fork is enough for me to rethink my question. Shit.
“I’m not a charity case, and I’m not poor, Declan! I’m a college-educated, self-employed woman. Some months are more lucrative than others, and I’ve learned to save for a rainy day. My retirement plan isn’t going to fund itself, and I’m not willing to give up my flexible schedule so I can go work a boring nine-to-five job. Excuse me if I’m not rich like you, but I’m not someone you need to be pouring pity on, either. Would seeing my bank statement make you feel more comfortable?”
Damn, she’s pissed. How in the world do I unfuck myself out of this? She continues glaring at me with her arms crossed over her chest.
Lifting my hands in surrender, I decide to try for a humorous exit from this. “Hey, if you want to be my sugar mama, I’m cool with that, too.” A slight smile looks like it might be creeping up from the corner of her mouth. “Love, I wasn’t trying to upset you. I don’t need to see your bank statement unless you want to show it to me. I’m also happy to show you mine. I was concerned because you’ve mentioned money a few times now, and if there’s something you need, I hope you’d let me help you.”
Her hands fall back down to the table as she forgoes her defensive position. “Honestly, I don’t know why I’ve even mentioned money. You and your bank account make me nervous. I can’t help feeling somewhat inadequate next to you.”
I’m stunned at her candid confession. “Come on, Holls. If anything, you’re the reason I have what I do. You encouraged me to do this, to fuck what anyone thought and put my opinions into the world. If you hadn’t pushed me, I’d have nothing.”
“Declan—”
“No, it’s my turn. Everything I’ve worked for has been for us. It’s why you’re my emergency contact, it’s also why you’re my designated beneficiary should something happen to me. Be pissed if you want to, but don’t compare me to my financial bottom line, because they’re two completely different things.”
“I’m sorry,” she says contritely.
“Me, too. Can we make cookies now and relax?”
“I’d like that. Get the questions and we’ll talk as we bake.”
After clearing the table and putting away the spaghetti, I pull out the little question book as she gets the baking stuff set up.
“If you had to spend a million dollars in a day and couldn’t keep any of it for yourself, what would you do with it?”
“Wow, they don’t go easy on you, do they?” Her brow furrows slightly as she considers her answer. “I’d send our parents on a trip around the world and pay off their mortgages.”
I hop up on the counter so I can see her face while she’s mixing up the ingredients. “I’d pay for Heather’s college, and I guess my brother, too. Definitely pay off our parents’ houses and send Bax and Sage on the trip of a lifetime. After everything we’ve put them through, they deserve it. If there were any money left, I’d put it away for our kids.”
“That’s really sweet. What’s the next question?”
“What is the last thing you binge watched? That’s easy. I spent more time than I want to admit watching Lost.”
She pours in the chocolate chips and laughs. “I did that not too long ago, but my last one was One Tree Hill.”
“Again?”
She blushes. “What can I say? Lucas and Brooke do it for me.”
“Hmm, what else does it for you? What makes you Brooke yourself?”
“Hush, we’re supposed to be having fun.”
“Oh, this is fun for me, Holls.”
“You know what I mean. What’s the next question?”
“Gin, vodka, or tequila?”
“Tequila,” we answer in unison.
“Would you rather hit snooze a bunch of times and wake up slow, or get that extra thirty minutes sleep and not hit snooze at all?”
“Extra thirty minutes,” she says.
“Bullshit. You’re queen of the extra snooze tap.”
“Not anymore.”
“Since when?”
“Do you want the truth?”
“I never want the lie. I’ve always been the non-snoozer. What changed for you?”
“Not being able to cuddle up next to you in the morning. It was my favorite part of lingering in bed. It’s not so fun when your bed is empty.”
After she puts the cookies in the oven, I toss the questions aside and pull her between my legs. “We’re not going to have any more mornings like that. You can go back to being the queen of snooze again.”
“That sounds like a good plan.”
“Do you want to stay here tonight, or do you want me to come to your house?”
“I’ll stay here, it smells like us.”
“Like us?”
“The scent of freshly baked cookies always reminds me of us.”
“That’s good. That means you’ll keep making me cookies forever.”
“You’re such a dork,” she says before kissing me sweetly.
“I’ve been called worse. Go get your stuff and I’ll watch the cookies.”
“There’d better be some left when I get back.”
“Then you’d better hurry up.”
When she gets to the door, she turns back around. “Declan … I’m really glad we decided to do this. Thank you for being a stubborn ass.”
She ducks into the hall before I can reply, which is probably a good thing because the only way I want to thank her is with my cock buried between her thighs.