six
Declan
“So … what’s the plan for tonight?” Baxter is waggling his eyes at me and making kissy faces.
“You act like a teenager.”
“Who cares? So do you half the time. Now spill. What are you going to do to win her back?”
“Nothing,” I say, pushing his feet off my table and wiping it down with cleaner.
“What do you mean nothing? You’ve waited two years for this and you’re doing nothing?”
After washing my hands, I sit in the chair across from him. “I’ve fucked a lot of other women, Bax.”
“You have indeed.”
“I’m not sure she’s been with that many guys.”
“And that’s a problem because …?”
“Shit, I don’t know. I mean, I guess the whole point of this breakup was to date other people. But now, I don’t know what to say or how to act with her. I think I went too far, Bax, and now I’m not sure how to make it right.”
“Do you remember Bobby?”
“Your douchebag ex? How could I forget that asshole?”
Sadness fills his features. “Declan, be nice.”
Bobby is the love of Baxter’s life, and I hate him with every fiber of my being.
“What about him?” I ask with a resigned sigh.
“Last time we broke up, he explained things to me. Things I didn’t understand before, but I get it now. I get him now. He broke my heart when he cheated on me, and taking him back was hard. Then, when he broke up with me a few months later … well, you know how that went over.”
Hearing Bobby’s name makes me wish he were here so I could punch him again.
“Anyway, you’re not like Bobby. I know you’d never cheat on Holly, but she’s going to have doubts and questions, and you’re going to have to answer her honestly or this will never progress to where you want it to.”
“I know, and that’s why I don’t have plans. I need to be her friend again, and part of that is going to be discussing the hard stuff. The last thing I want to hear about is how many guys she’s fucked, but there’s a definite conversation that needs to be had.”
“So that’s what all the cleaning is about? You’re just bringing her here?” He leans back and props his feet back up on the table.
“I’m making her dinner.”
Baxter blows out a breath and looks at me like I’m stupid. “I thought this was your first real grownup date?”
“Shit, Bax, am I fucking this up already? I feel like if I take her out I’m not treating her special or different than any other girl. She deserves so much more than that.”
“She does. Look, Dec, you fucked up a lot the past few years. Taking a girl to dinner before you fuck her doesn’t mean you can’t ever take Holly to dinner. You’ve got to separate what you did with her and what you did with them. You also have to tell her the truth.”
“Which truth is that?” I’m starting to feel like shit about this whole thing.
“When we were at the bar last night, Holly said something about you only dating blondes. I didn’t press, but when she went to the bathroom, Sage’s drunk ass spilled how much Holly’s self-esteem has taken a nosedive because of your dating habits.”
“Her self-esteem took a hit because I couldn’t stand to be with someone who reminded me of her? How does that even make sense?”
Baxter laughs and slaps his knee. “God, sometimes I wonder if your mom dropped you in a stupid tree or threw you from one. You fucktard, she thinks she was never your type to begin with and that’s why you went straight to blonde bombshell-ville. Holly doesn’t think you find her attractive.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I don’t know, man, think about it. Really, think about it.”
As I flip the remote around in my hands, I consider what he said. It drives Bax crazy, and it only takes a minute for him to pull it away from me.
“Should I let her go?”
“What?” he screeches.
“I’m serious, Bax. Maybe I’ve been hurting her more than anything.”
“You’ve been hurting each other. We both know you may have ended things, but there’s something deeper Holly never told you that night. Maybe she couldn’t admit to herself that you were right about dating other people … I don’t know. Regardless, it’s now or never, Dec. Get your girl back because neither of you will be happy until you make peace.”
“Yeah, which is why I’m starting with dinner and friendship. Last night, I remembered a talk I had with Sean the night I took Holly out for the first time. He told me if it’s real love, not to rush it.”
“Sounds like good advice.”
“It was, so get your ass up and help me make some lasagna.”
The house is clean, dinner is warming, and candles are lit. I’m wearing blue jeans and a black button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled. I haven’t been this nervous for a date since the night I lost my virginity.
Nerves aren’t my thing. I can pick up a woman and fuck her within minutes if I want to. I’m cocky, arrogant, and self-assured, except when it comes to Holly. With her, no matter how hard I try not to let it, my inner sixteen-year-old self tends to rule my thoughts.
When I open the door, her hand is raised and about to knock on my door.
“Hey,” she says with a slight chuckle.
“Come in. I was on my way to pick you up.”
“From across the hall?” she quips, looking around my apartment. I realize it’s the first time she’s been in here since I moved in. Which only makes me realize how one-sided my pursuit of her has been.
“What can I say? I’m a gentleman.”
“I think that remains to be seen.”
She looks sexy in a pair of tight, white jeans and a green, low-cut shirt. She’s got a pair of black heels on that would look amazing wrapped around my neck at the end of the night, and my dick agrees.
“Would you like a glass of wine?”
With a surprised look, she nods slightly. “Far cry from beer in a can.”
“Well,” I say, handing her a glass and motioning for her to have a seat, “we’re not broke, struggling college kids anymore.”
“Ha! Speak for yourself. You might not be struggling, but every spare penny I have goes straight to my student loans.”
“I can help you out with those.”
She holds her hand up, halting my words. “Absolutely not. I’m doing fine, Declan, I’m just not rolling in the dough like you.”
Holly always wanted to be a writer. She was writing when we lived together and working as a PA for an author.
“What happened to your book? Why, after all this time, are you still working for Natalie?”
She opens her mouth to answer before pausing, instead bringing her wine glass to her lips and sipping slowly, her eyes darting nervously at everything but me.
“Actually, before you answer that question, can we set some ground rules?”
Her eyes light up and the corner of her mouth pulls into a smile. “What kind of ground rules?”
“Look, I know this is going to be hard. It’s hard for me, too. But I think the only way we can make progress in our relationship is to be completely honest with each other. I know some of the things you want to know may hurt you, and vice versa. I don’t think I can move forward without some answers, and I don’t think you should, either.”
Draining her wine glass, she sets it on the table, and I promptly refill it. A little liquid courage can go a long way.
“You’re right. Let’s not ask all the hard questions in one night, though, okay?”
“I can deal with that.”
“Well, this is a shit question to start with, but you asked. After we broke up, I lost my spark. I didn’t want to write anymore. Instead, I threw myself into my work with Natalie, picked up some hours with a few other authors, and it was enough to get by. When Natalie got her publishing contract last year, she hired me full-time.”
“So you’re not writing at all?”
“No, I am now. I started about ten months ago. I’m not getting my hopes up or anything, but it’s going okay. What about you? You’ve always been self-employed, but when that girl called yesterday, you said it was work-related.”
“It was. Justine is my PR person. We met the night I came over to your place and you were going out with Luke.”
With wide eyes, she gasps. “You remember his name?”
“I’ve never wanted to kill anyone with my bare hands before that night. Yeah, I remember his name.”
“So how did she end up doing your PR?”
“I was drinking at a bar, and she recognized me and started talking about how I could grow my brand. I was too drunk to care, so we fucked instead.”
“Oh.”
“It’s not like you think. It was just once and we never had sex again.”
“Why?”
“I’ve never had sex with anyone twice.”
She kicks off her shoes and tucks her feet up underneath her on the couch. “You’re going to have to explain this to me because I’m lost.”
I refill both of our glasses again and get comfortable.
“Sex is important to me. Having that connection with someone is addictive. But it’s a means to an end. An endorphin rush, a stress reliever. I could work out for hours and never achieve the same sort of relief.”
“Tell me how you really feel.”
Scooting closer to her, I rest my hand on her thigh. “The only person I’ve ever wanted a connection with is you. Sex with you is so much more than a relief or a means to an end. We connect in a completely different way. Mind, body, and soul. It’s how I always knew we were okay. I don’t want that with anyone else. I never have. One-night stands are all anyone ever gets, Holly, because as fucked up as it may be, my heart still belongs to only you.”
“Maybe you should be the writer, you seem to have all the words,” she says, a hint of sadness lacing her voice. I’m sure I’ll see much more of her sadness as we try to work our way back together. “Was it worth it?”
“What?” I ask, pulling her from the couch and leading her to the table.
“Ending our relationship to be with other women,” she states calmly.
As I bring our plates to the table and work on gathering the salad and drinks, I think about how to answer that. For someone not wanting to talk about it all in one night, she’s addressing a lot of tough questions.
“It wasn’t worth it. I’ve missed you, but I try not to regret things in life. That night was messed up, we were both drunk and not thinking clearly. You were holding something back, and I moved forward with what information I had. Answer something for me. Were you cheating on me? Is that why things changed so much so fast?”
She pauses with her fork mid-air. “Is that what you think? That I cheated on you?”
“I’ve never known what to think, but it’s the only thing that made sense. Especially after hearing you and Sage discussing being with other men.”
“I never cheated. You know how I always said my least-favorite trope in romance novels is when the couple has a ridiculous misunderstanding and doesn’t talk for years because of it?”
I laugh. “Yeah, and you feel like it’s such a waste of time because real people would discuss things.”
She nods. “Well, I sort of get it now because that’s us. I’m not ready to talk about what was bothering me back then. It’s going to make you angry, and if you’re serious about being friends again and working our way forward, I can’t risk making you angry until we’re on better footing.”
“I guess that’s fair. You will tell me eventually, right?”
“Of course. Since we’re already talking about uncomfortable topics, let’s keep going.”
She’s smiling at me, but my stomach is churning. I didn’t think she’d want to get into this kind of stuff on our first date.
“Sure, you’ve never held back before. Ask me anything.”
“When was the last time you were tested for STIs?”
My salad goes down the wrong tube and I’m coughing, my eyes watering, as she stares at me and waits patiently for an answer. “Last month.”
“And before that?”
“Jesus, Holly! I don’t have diseases. I’m careful.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Anyone can get diseases, Dec. If you’re so careful, why did you get tested?”
“I was doing a public service series. I got paid a lot of money to get tested and share my results live. It was rigged, though. I got the results the day before.”
“How many girls have you been with since you were tested?”
I pause long enough to refill both of our wine glasses. “None.”
“Why?”
“When I was sitting in the doctor’s office getting tested, all I could think about was if we’d never broken up I wouldn’t be going through that in the first place. It made my resolve to get you back even stronger. When were you tested last?”
“When you were. Sage and I still follow you, and she really wanted a chance to win that trip to Jamaica they were offering to anyone who got tested and sent in proof.”
That makes me laugh. “Fucking Sage, always looking for an angle to get free shit. Have you been with anyone since?”
“No, but I haven’t …”
“You haven’t what, love?”
Her cheeks flush a pretty shade of pink with my words, and I wonder if her pussy is as wet as it used to get when I’d call her that. My cock is hard just thinking about it.
“This separation wasn’t as experimental for me as it was for you. I can still count the men I’ve been with on two hands.”
I push away from the table and scrape the rest of my plate off in the trash as I try to rein in my anger. I have no right being mad at her, but I am. The thought of one other man with her makes me want to kill him, but the thought of eight or nine other men … I can’t even handle that kind of rage.
“How many?” I ask through gritted teeth.
“Including you, six. You don’t get to be mad about this, Declan. You broke up with me for the sole purpose of sleeping with other people.”
“Because that’s what you wanted, Holly!”
“That is never what I wanted, but you wouldn’t believe me! And besides, can you even count how many women you’ve been with since we broke up?”
Her eyes are flashing with anger now, and her arms are crossed over her chest. She looks fucking hot when she’s pissed. I move toward her, pull her arms apart, and lead her to the couch.
“Yes, I know,” I answer in a low tone.
“Why keep track of your bedpost notches?” Her words are pained.
“Because I know you, Holly. You can be a bit self-sabotaging at times, and I knew the only way you’d ever consider taking me back was if I told you. Since I refuse to ever lie to you, I kept track.”
“So tell me.”
“Why can’t we just have a nice night tonight? I thought we weren’t going to do all of this?”
“Why are you trying to hide it?”
I throw my hands in the air. “I’m not hiding anything. That would be you. You’ve kept a secret from me for two years, and you still won’t tell me because it will make me angry, but you expect me to tell you how many women I’ve fucked! Dammit, Holly!”
I stand and walk over to the window to look out at the pool below. The lights are on, and the shimmering water calms me down. “Maybe I should just go.” When I turn around, she’s slipping her shoes back on. “Please don’t.” I walk back over to her and pull her into my arms. “I hate fighting with you,” I murmur into her ear.
“I don’t like fighting with you, either,” she replies, returning my hug.
“Seventy-eight.” She inhales deeply, tensing in my arms. “I’m not proud of it, okay? I don’t know what it was like for you with the guys you were with, but it could have been one hundred and seventy-eight and none of them would have come close to you.”
“I don’t like your number, but it’s actually less than I thought it would be.” She releases me and takes a step back. She seems extremely conflicted, which makes me feel like shit. “I’m having a difficult time reconciling the couple we used to be and the people we’ve become. Let’s focus on the friendship part of this night to work through the rest. Pour me some wine and let’s have some fun with this, okay?”
“Anything for you, love.” With a light kiss to her forehead, I collect our glasses from the table and open a second bottle of wine.
When I hand her a glass, she holds it up in a toast. “To new beginnings.”
“To new beginnings.”
“Have you ever had sex without a condom?” she asks.
“Only with you.”
“Same.”
“Did you ever fall in love again?” If she says yes, I’ll die inside.
“Not even close. What about you? Was there anyone you were tempted to have sex with twice?”
“No. It’s odd how easily I was able to separate my feelings from the need for sex. Worst sexual encounter?”
She blushes and shakes her head. “You really don’t want to know.”
“Now I have to know. Come on, spill.”
“There was this guy, he was nice, cute, and we went out for about a month before we had sex. I thought maybe he could be my …” Her eyes meet mine apologetically. “My first try at a relationship after you. Anyway, Sage convinced me I couldn’t be in an official relationship without trying out the goods first.”
“Fucking Sage.”
“Yeah, well, she was right. We were having sex, and it was getting good when he suddenly called out ‘I’m … I’m crossing the finish line!’” Holly is laughing so hard she has to set her wine down, and I follow.
“You’re joking.”
“Hand to God, Dec. He, like, pushed up on his toes and took on almost a mermaid-breaching-the-water pose and came right as he was finishing saying it. It took everything I had not to laugh. Then he didn’t even finish me off. I mean, not that I was really in the mood after that, but he could have offered, you know?”
“That’s wrong. A real man never leaves a woman hanging.”
“For real! I blew him off after that, but he didn’t get the hint. Finally, I told him I’d gotten back together with my ex. I couldn’t tell him the truth, I didn’t want to shatter his ego or anything. I’m sure somewhere out there is a girl who would be happy to … cross the finish line with him.”
She can barely get the words out with a straight face. I love hearing her laugh; it’s been a long fucking time.
“Your turn to spill. With such big numbers under your belt, you’d better have at least one good story in there.”
Shit, I could give her stories for days, but I’ll try to stick with the worst.
“There was this one woman. I didn’t know it before our date, but she was obsessed with cats. She wore cheetah print on our date and took me back to her place afterward. She had at least ten cats in her house. It wasn’t dirty or anything. She was pretty wealthy, so it was actually a lot cleaner than I would picture someone’s house being with that many animals.”
I chuckle when Holly shivers—she hates cats. “Anyway, we worked our way to her bedroom. There were cats everywhere. Photos, paintings, statues, knick-knacks, you name it. Her underwear was leopard print. The throw on her bed was a big fucking lion. I knew right away I was fucked. And I’ll spare you the details of how she talked about her vagina, but she took pussy to a whole new level.”
“Is this the worst of it?” she asks, laughing.
“God, I wish. She started meowing at me and, like, purring. Her hands turned paw-like and she started batting around my dick. Like it was a fucking toy or something.”
“She did not!” She’s full-on laughing now.
“Yeah, she did. I know everyone has their own brand of kink, but she was overkill. I knew I wouldn’t get out of there without fucking her, and she wasn’t bad looking or anything, so I tried to overlook the strangeness of it all.”
“I would have run.”
“I wish I would have. I’m so embarrassed to even tell you the next part.”
“Oh no, you can’t stop now. I told you mine, you have to finish yours.”
I’d kill to keep that smile on her face, so I continue with my humiliating story. “Well, I couldn’t stand to see her face at that point, so I got behind her. Each time I entered, her she meowed louder than the time before. Suddenly, and quite wickedly, she turned her head and snapped at me that I wasn’t doing it right.”
“How were you supposed to be doing it?”
“I had to roar at her like a lion or a tiger.”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“It was the most awkward and embarrassing moment of my life. As soon as it was over, I got out of there and never looked back.”
“I would hope not.” She places her glass back on the table. “Well … I should probably be going.”
All this talk about sex is freaking her out; I knew it would. Even with our friendship hats on it’s funny but sort of uncomfortable.
“Don’t you want dessert?”
Her eyes brighten. “You have dessert?”
“Unless you want me to be dessert.”
A pink blush creeps into her cheeks. “No, that’s okay.”
With a raised brow, I counter, “You want to be dessert instead? Works for me.”
“Declan, no, just bring the dessert over here. The edible kind.”
“Are you saying I’m not edible?”
“The kind you eat with a fork,” she clarifies, laughing more.
“Ouch, I’d prefer a tongue, so I guess you mean the cheesecake.”
“You’re incorrigible.” She’s still laughing at me, which is a great sign. Holly doesn’t laugh at just anything.
While I plate the cheesecake for us, I steal glances at her. For the first time all night, she begins to wander around the room to look at the photos on the wall. When she makes her way to my desk, she stops and picks up a frame before turning to me.
“Why do you still have this up?”
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s my favorite picture of the two of us. There’s more over there if you want to see them.” I point to the table in the corner of the room.
As she looks at them all, her eyes dart back and forth between me and the photos before she finally makes her way over to eat her dessert. I leave her with her thoughts until she’s ready to talk. Holly’s always been introspective; it’s one of the many reasons I love her.
“Sometimes, I’m amazed at how different we are, Dec. My photos are in a drawer. It hurts too much to look at them.”
“It hurts occasionally, seeing what I don’t have anymore. Mostly, they keep me going. These photos remind me of being happy and why I moved here. Even the smallest interaction with you is better than no interaction at all, Holls. I can’t envision a future that doesn’t have you in it.”
“Is that why you bought cheesecake? To win me over?”
“Well, it is your favorite.”
After we talk a bit more and finish our dessert, Holly yawns and I know our night is over. “I really have to go, but this has been … nice.”
“It was more than nice. Let me walk you home.”
“I live across the hall, Dec. I’ll be fine.” Taking her hand, we stand and I walk her across the hall to her apartment. “This was fun. Thank you for dinner,” she says lightly, and I lean in. If she thinks I’m letting her go with a few well-placed platitudes, she’s sorely mistaken.
“You’re welcome. I had a good time. And Holly?”
“Yes?” She lifts her eyes up as I lean even closer.
“I’m going to kiss you now.” Before she has a chance to pretend she doesn’t want this as much as I do, my lips brush against hers and my tongue caresses the seam of her lips. She releases a soft sigh and I pull back. “You taste better than I remember.”
“That was nice.”
She’s killing me with this nice shit.
“It was more than nice, it was right.” She moves her fingers to her lips as if trying to hold onto the sensation, and I know I’ve won this round.
Declan – 1, Holly – 0.
“I’ll call you tomorrow to set up our next date. If you want my assistance or need more batteries before then, just let me know.”
“Goodnight, Declan,” she says, laughing over her shoulder as she closes the door behind her.
“Goodnight, love.”