fourteen
Declan
“Are things any better with you and Holly?” Baxter asks as he cracks open a beer.
“It’s not like things are bad with us just …”
“Boring, unexciting, elderly,” he fills in.
“Never elderly, at least not yet. I don’t know, Bax, ever since Dawn has started showing up more, and with my internet stuff taking off, she’s been distant. She even turned down my offer to go to Hawaii for our anniversary.” Holly has never had me more confused than these past few weeks.
“Do you think she’s cheating or trying to get you to break up with her?”
“No! Do you? Shit, Bax, the thought never even crossed my mind.”
Shrugging, he sips his beer. “Dude, I don’t know, I have a hard enough time understanding men. Women are like a foreign language to me, but if my boyfriend were acting like that … yeah, I might wonder why he was pushing me away. I mean, come on, Dec, a trip to Hawaii is kind of awesome.”
I slump even further into my chair and take a long swig of my beer. “I know, and Hawaii has always been a dream of hers. Plus, she disappeared for a week. I mean, okay … she didn’t disappear, but to go from dropping Heather off from the weekend to suddenly skipping classes and taking care of her for a week, that’s odd.”
“Especially since she couldn’t let you come over. What was that all about? I know Dawn is sketchy when she’s tweaking, but you’d think Ken would have stuck up for you.”
“You’d think Holly would have. Something isn’t adding up, but as much as I want to talk to her about it, she just got back this morning and it’s our anniversary. I don’t want to blow it.”
Baxter grabs a couple more beers and tosses me one. “How was she this morning?”
“She was fine, a little quiet.”
“Holly is always quiet. If she doesn’t have her head stuck in a book, she’s thinking. So she was more quiet than normal?”
“Hell, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just because she’s been gone. I tried to get her to go back to bed with me, but she brushed me off.”
“Ding, ding, ding, you’re sexually frustrated. It’s been a week or two since you’ve had sex and you’re just being hypersensitive. Relax, Dec, I’m sure by tonight all will be well.”
Smiling for the first time in a few days, I convince myself he’s right.
“See, there’s that smile. I know proposing here doesn’t have the same romantic spark Hawaii would have, but Holly loves you. There’s no way she’ll say no, and you can do Hawaii for the honeymoon instead.”
“That’s true.”
“She’ll love the ring, too. You still haven’t told her how much you made in advertising royalties the past few months?”
“Hell no. I didn’t want her to freak out on how much I spent on the ring or how much money I would have spent on the trip. I’ll tell her when things settle down, which will hopefully be by tomorrow.”
A few hours later, Baxter looks up at me with hazy eyes. We just finished an epic Xbox battle and, of course, I had to rub his loss in his face.
“Whatever, Dec. You’re slurring a bit, though. Let’s go on the patio and get some air, and then you can go next door and kick Sage out. Munch on some crackers, shower, and take your girl out for the night of her life. By the time you get home, I’ll have everything set up for your proposal.”
“Thanks, Bax, I guess we should have stopped drinking a few hours ago. Some air will be good right about now.”
I open Baxter’s sliding glass door and he follows me outside. There’s a gorgeous full moon in the sky, and I can hear the girls laughing from our patio next door. A thin, wooden fence separates the two patios. We’ve joked for months that we’re going to cut a hole in the middle.
“You should just tell him the truth, Holly,” Sage chastises, and Bax raises a brow. Both of us are immediately silent. We shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but I need some fucking air right now.
“I can’t, Sage, especially not today.”
“Whatever, you should stick with the original plan then and go fuck other guys. You should whore it up and really get a feel for what it’s like to be a single college girl before it’s too late. Graduation is in a month and you’ve been lassoed to Declan’s cock since high school.”
“I wouldn’t say that was the original plan.” Holly is slurring, too, but my focus is on what she’s saying not how she’s saying it. “But it’s a great idea in comparison.”
My ears begin to buzz as anger like I’ve never felt before takes over my body. I slam open Baxter’s sliding glass door so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t shatter. Before I know it, I’m on my own patio.
“Get the fuck out of my house, Sage!”
With shocked expressions and wide eyes, they both stare at me like I’m insane. Right now, I might be.
“Come on, Sage, give them a few minutes,” Baxter encourages, and Sage looks to Holly for permission.
“I’ll be fine, go. I’ll call you later,” Holly says calmly.
I’m not sure if they’re gone before I begin yelling at her. I’ve never yelled at Holly before. “If you wanted out of this relationship, you should have just said so.”
“Declan, what are you talking about?”
Both of us are drunk. The rational part of my brain knows that fact, but the rational part of my brain is also inebriated and doesn’t give a flying fuck.
“We fucking heard you, Holls! You want to go out and fuck other guys. Be like one of those campus whores? Well, fuck you. I can be just as much of a whore if that’s what you want!”
She pales. “No, that’s not what I want. Calm down and let me explain. But first, tell me why you guys were eavesdropping on us.”
“Okay, sure, right after you tell me where you really were this week. Were you actually with Heather? Or were you getting a head start on spreading your legs for the closest fraternity?” My words are dripping with contempt, and it’s apparent I’ve flipped a switch in her—one I’ve never seen before.
“Is that what you think of me? After all this time? Fuck you, Declan! You have no idea what’s been going on lately, and I’m not feeling one bit inclined to tell you right now, either.”
“Since when do we keep secrets from each other? You’re my best friend, my girl, there’s nothing I can’t talk to you about! But you suddenly disappear, you stop fucking me, you stop talking to me, and now I hear you and Sage talking about going out and getting laid! Screw you, Holly Ryan. I can get laid, too, by someone who actually wants me.”
Storming inside to our bedroom, I find my suitcase in the closet and start packing. I don’t need this shit from her. I won’t be second best. If she doesn’t want me, that’s fine. I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.
“You’re packing? Declan, come on, we’re better than this. Baby, talk to me,” she pleads from the doorway as tears stream down her cheeks.
After making a trip to the bathroom and gathering my stuff, I throw it in my bag. “Why should I? You haven’t talked to me in weeks. It wasn’t until Baxter mentioned cheating today that I even considered it, but I guess that means I’m the fool, right?” I scoop up her ring inside my boxers in my drawer and toss it in my bag. God knows I don’t need to embarrass myself even more. I’m such an idiot.
“There’s so much you don’t know, that you don’t understand.”
“Tell me, then. Tell me exactly what I don’t know and don’t understand.”
A fearful expression fills her features and she shakes her head. With determined steps, I cut the distance between us and wrap her in my arms. My lips meet hers, and she kisses me with a passion she hasn’t shown me in months. She clutches my shirt as we kiss, her tears falling heavily the whole time. I’m pouring my heart into this kiss, hoping, and praying she feels it because I don’t know what will happen if she doesn’t.
“I love you, Holls.”
“I love you, too,” she whisper-sobs.
“Then tell me what is going on. Since when can you not trust me, Holly?”
She shakes her head, her body trembling. Before she even says it, I know what’s coming.
“I can’t, not right now.”
“Then I can’t stay. I can’t live with someone, share my life with someone, give my heart to someone, who doesn’t trust me with theirs. Who knows? Maybe it’s better this way. We can date other people, fuck other people, and find someone we’re better matched with. I wish you would have talked to me about it before now. We could have at least ended this with some mutual respect for each other.”
“You don’t understand!”
“No? I think I understand perfectly. My nine-inch dick isn’t enough for you. Maybe you want to take a ten and a twelve out for a ride. It’s cool. College is almost over. Time for you to find a real man, right?”
Her tears are falling at maximum force now, but that’s her problem. I can’t let myself worry about her anymore.
“You’re angry, I know you don’t mean what you’re saying right now.”
“Huh, that’s where you’re wrong. There’s nothing like hearing your girlfriend and her friend talking about fucking other men to put things into perspective. You’re right, Holly, you and Sage are a hundred percent right. We need to see other people.”
“Declan, no. That’s not what I want. I want you.”
I let my eyes rake over her one final time and zip up my suitcase. “Well, that’s a shame because I don’t want you. Not anymore.”
She’s sobbing, and my heart aches so much I probably need medical attention. I’ll deal with my pain after I’m out of this apartment and away from her.
With my suitcase in hand, I pause next to her and regretfully kiss her goodbye on her forehead. If I touch her lips again, I’ll never be able to walk away. I’m holding in all my pain until I can get somewhere far away from here.
“I hope you find someone who will make all your dreams come true. It’s all I ever wanted for you. I’ll send Baxter by to pack up the rest of my things when I’m settled.”
As I reach the front door, it’s open, and Baxter and Sage are staring at me wide-eyed from the hall. Holly screams my name, but I don’t look back. I don’t ever want to look back at this part of my life again. If I can’t have Holly, I don’t want anyone.
A week later, I’m still holed up in my hotel room. There are takeout cartons everywhere, and I really need to do some laundry. At least I managed to find an apartment this morning and can move in this weekend.
When Baxter knocks on the door, I hesitate to answer. I called him over here, so I have to let him in, but all I want right now is to be alone.
“Come on, Declan, I know your mopey ass is in there. Let me in.” I take my time getting to the door, and when I finally open it, he looks at me disdainfully. “You look like shit.”
“Good to see you, too.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, you look marginally better than Holly.”
I pick up the bottle of whiskey next to my bed and take a swig. Thinking about Holly hurts more than I care to admit. Talking about her is going to kill me.
“Yeah, not really, but Holly is the reason I asked you to come over.”
“You mean you didn’t call because you missed your best friend? Yeah, I didn’t think so. What do you want to know?”
“Nothing … everything … how is she?”
“I’ve only seen her in passing. Somehow, she got this crazy idea in her head that because the two of you broke up, she and Sage can’t be friends with me.”
“That’s insane.”
What the hell is going on in her head?
“Tell me about it. Sage and I talk when we can, but Holly’s been staying at my place the past few nights and I’ve been at yours.”
“Hers, I got a new place this morning. I’m moving in this weekend.”
“Declan, come on. Don’t you think you’re overreacting? Sage swears it wasn’t like how it sounded.”
“Really?” I take another swig of the whiskey. “Then how was it?”
He shrugs with a troubled look on his face. “She won’t tell me.”
“Well, there you have it. I’m over it, Bax. I’m going to move into my new place, finish school, focus on work, and fuck as many women as I can.”
“This is your broken heart talking. You love Holly and she loves you.”
“Ha! Not enough to tell me the truth. Not enough to tell Sage to fuck right off when she brought up sleeping with other guys.”
“Jesus, man, stop for a minute. Do you hear yourself? Tell me you’ve never been curious about sex with other women. Never wondered what it would be like to be with someone other than Holly. You’re a man, Declan, and more than that, you’re human. We all wonder what it’s like. You and Holly just never let that wonder get ahead of your love.”
“I didn’t, but I’m not so sure about her. I think you’re right, Bax. I think she cheated. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Leaving for a week, cutting off sex even longer, shutting herself off, hiding her feelings. She’s already been having an affair.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Tell me you know that for a fact.”
He frowns at my glare. “I can’t.”
“Exactly. She hasn’t even texted me, hasn’t apologized, nothing.”
“Sage said she’s working up to it.”
This conversation is just making me angrier. “She shouldn’t have to work up to anything. Holly should be able to say anything to me, and the fact she can’t just proves we have some serious flaws in our relationship.”
“You’ve never thought that before.”
“She’s never given me reason to. Maybe she’s right, we need to experience other people. If we’re meant to be together, we’ll figure it out eventually, I suppose.”
He looks around my messy room, his eyes finally landing on my bottle of whiskey. “Whiskey makes you mean. Why don’t we go get some food and you can come back to your place with me for a few days and pack your stuff?”
“Nice try. That is partially why I called you over. Would you mind packing my things and bringing them to my new place Saturday morning? I can text you the address.”
Baxter blows out what can only be described as an inconvenienced huff. “Yes, I actually do mind because I think the two of you are being ridiculous. I’ve never seen two people more miserable and broken hearted.”
“Does that mean you won’t do it?”
“You know I will.” His answer is a softer, more placating tone of voice. I feel bad for dragging him into this; Baxter doesn’t do well with discord in his life.
“Thank you. I owe you one, seriously.”
“What was the other reason you asked me here? And it better have something to do with how much you miss me.”
That gets him a chuckle. “I don’t need to miss you, Bax. I’ll never go far from you. You’re the only person in my life who’s always had my back. Except my mom, of course.”
“Of course.”
There’s an envelope on the table that I pass over to him. “That’s enough cash to pay my half of the rent until the lease is up. Give it to Holly. Or keep it if she makes you do a permanent apartment swap.”
“Wow, even with everything you just said, I didn’t think this was real. Holding this money makes it hit home for some reason.”
I offer him the whiskey, and he shakes his head. “Your loss. It’s what’s getting me through right now.”
“Declan, don’t rush into anything stupid, okay? It’s all just talk, you guys can work this out. The two of you can still talk it out when you’re both sober. Things could be different.”
“It’s too late, Bax. I already fucked someone else last night.”
His mouth drops, and tears fill his eyes as he hurries to stand. “Well, that’s disappointing to hear. I’ll see you Saturday. Take care of yourself, Declan.”
About an hour later, I receive a text from Baxter. I’ve felt like shit since he left. No, I’ve felt like shit since Holly and I broke up. Last night, I just got too drunk to care anymore and fucked some random chick I met at the bar. I’m not even sure if she was cute, but I am sure sex with her wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as sex with Holly.
I’m pretty sure I only did it so I wouldn’t run back to Holly. I know she and Sage meant what they said. They were shit-ass drunk and telling the truth. Everyone knows the real truth comes out when you’re drinking. If she’d been just a tad bit drunker, maybe she would have spilled her secret. At least then I’d know for sure she cheated on me and wouldn’t have this constant, nagging, “what if” voice in my mind.
I finally hold up my phone and read Baxter’s message.
Baxter: I’m sorry I left that way. You kind of broke my heart with that news. I ended up driving to my parents’ house so I could have some time to think. I’ll give Holly the money tomorrow. This might not make any sense, but you and Holly were like an institution. The light at the end of my single tunnel. With you two together there was hope for us all. I’m trying to process how this all works without the two of you as our anchors.
It does make sense. I’m trying to process it, too. Last night with the girl, I cut the string anchoring me to Holly so I could give her what she really wanted. Her out.
Baxter: *sigh* I don’t think either of you realize how stubborn you’re being. I’m going to hope with all my heart you find a way to make this work for all of us. Until that day comes, the two of us will keep on truckin’. Love ya.
Thanks, that means more to me than you could know. Love you, too.
A few seconds later, my phone goes off and I pick it up thinking it’s Baxter. It’s not; it’s a message from Holly.
Holly: I’m not sure if there’s anything I can say to make the other night go away. I know what you heard sounded bad, but you didn’t hear everything.
Then tell me.
Holly: I only want you in my life, Declan. Can’t that be enough?
Not when you’re perfectly okay keeping secrets and distancing yourself from me. It proves our relationship isn’t as solid as I thought it was. I’m giving you what you want, Holly, the chance to experience other people. If you’re ever ready to open up to me and try again, let me know.
Holly: So it’s really over?
It’s for the best. I got a new place. Baxter will pack up my stuff and get it out of your way by the weekend.
Holly: Already????
He has rent money for you to cover the rest of my share until the lease is up.
Holly: Why are you doing this to us? Can we talk?
I’m doing what you wanted. Please don’t make this more difficult. When you’re ready to tell the truth, I’m always here to listen. This doesn’t have to be forever, but you should see what’s out there. I don’t want to be the one holding you back.
Holly: You could never hold me back. I love you.
Me, too. Always and forever, love.
After the last text, I turn my phone off, opting to drown my sorrows in whiskey. If I’m going to be alone, I can at least be numb to the pain.