Chapter Sixteen
Three days later, a large group was scheduled to meet at the barn to set up the decorations for Casey’s wedding and Josie was running late. The neighbor’s cat had managed to wedge himself in between her hot water heater and the wall. She’d tried for half an hour to get him out, until finally she’d marched over to her neighbor’s house to get the woman to help. In the end, she’d had to make a hole in her drywall to give the cat room to squeeze out.
She’d driven halfway to the barn before she realized she’d forgotten her jacket and her contribution to the potluck dinner they were all sharing tonight. Lately, she’d had trouble keeping track of everything, but once Casey’s wedding was done, she was sure it would all calm back down. That was a bright spot.
The dark spot was that since their night under the stars, Lincoln had made himself pretty scarce. After thinking things through, she’d decided that she’d wait until after the wedding and after she and Lincoln “broke up” to tell him how she felt. That way, she wouldn’t end up with her stomach in knots during the ceremony and Lincoln wouldn’t feel bad about them breaking up because he wouldn’t know how she felt. Josie rubbed the side of her head, then turned the radio up and sang the rest of the trip to drown out her jumbled thoughts.
She parked beside the florist’s van and the wild minivan Harper drove. Jumping from the car, she rushed into the barn and was greeted by chaos. Dozens of children were running around draped in the Christmas lights while other kids were having mock battles with the twigs.
Jean came over to join her. “It’s like an elf convention in here.”
Josie put her fingers to her lips and let out a loud, shrill whistle to get everyone’s attention. When the children looked at her, she held a hand to her shoulders. “You must be this tall to touch the lights or the twigs.”
Grumbling, the kids relinquished their games. Josie gathered the twigs while Jean nagged Rafferty to pick up the lights. Josie went to the work table that was set up by the door to find the ties and began fastening the twigs in place. One bundle bowed at the top, nearly touching her head until Lincoln appeared and reached over her to hold it in place. He took the ties from her, twined them together, then stapled them in place.
“Sorry I was late,” she said.
“Not a big deal.”
Jean poked Lincoln in the side and handed him a bundle of lights. “Drape those.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Rafferty went to get a ladder and when he came back, he was shaking his head. “I swear I break out in hives every time I walk near where the minister is going to stand.”
Jean scoffed. “There’s nothing to fear about marriage—”
“Except marriage itself,” Rafferty said. He positioned the ladder then climbed up to give a hand.
A few minutes later, Grayson joined them.
“Seeking safety from the bachelorettes?” Josie teased.
Grayson looked over his shoulder. “Who knew Morganville had so many single women?”
“Rafferty,” everyone said in unison and Grayson laughed.
“Laugh if you want to, but you’ll never catch me surrendering my freedom.” Rafferty held onto the twigs while Lincoln positioned more lights.
“You were dating the Andersons’ daughter. What happened with her?” Jean asked.
“The three-date rule happened.”
Rafferty believed that as long as he didn’t date a woman beyond three dates he’d never have to worry about falling in love. Josie met Lincoln’s gaze and he held it for a long second before he finished with the last of the lights. He took his grandmother’s arm and steered her toward Josie. “We need to talk.”
“I have a—” Jean protested but Lincoln gave her a look.
The three of them retreated to a corner as far away from everyone else as they could. Lincoln crossed his arms. “I want to know why you’d do something so devious.”
“I do a lot of devious things. You’re going to have to be a little more specific,” Jean said.
Josie wasn’t sure what he was referring to, but she guessed it had something to do with matchmaking since he’d included her.
Lincoln let out a long breath. “The night of the hayride you paid the band’s lead singer a hundred dollars to haul Josie up onto the stage instead of the woman he was supposed to pull from the audience.”
Josie gasped. What?
“Did I?” Jean looked innocently confused.
“You can drop the act, Granny. I know you did.”
Jean glared at him. “What I did was grab the bull by the horns. All these years you two have tiptoed around each other. You needed a swift kick to put your brain back up where it’s supposed to be, but I went with the proposal idea instead. You’re welcome.”
“Oh, Jean,” Josie whispered. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
“I know exactly what I’ve done and what I’m gonna do. I’m living my life with no holds barred. I might fall chasing the ice cream truck and throw a hip out. Or I might make everyone hurl when I go skinny dipping, but I refuse to be like the two of you.”
“What’s wrong with us?” Josie asked.
“You’re both oh-so-careful with your hearts.” Jean put her hands on her hips. “And you’re both lying to yourselves. I won’t live my life trying to make my brain believe a lie when my emotions tell me it’s the truth.”
“What emotions?” Lincoln wanted to know.
Jean smiled. “Ask Josie. Now I’m going over to the table to get something to drink.”
After Jean walked off in a huff, Lincoln moved closer to Josie. “What’s she talking about?”
She gave a strained laugh. “Who knows?” Better that she pretend she was clueless than tell Lincoln how right Jean was. Her heart pounded as he continued to stare at her. She could swear that need and hope mixed with uncertainty was in his eyes. If he was as unsure as she was, then she should tell him. She opened her mouth—
“Hey!” Grayson called as he approached and Lincoln glanced away.
She’d been on the verge of spilling her heart. Grayson’s intervention could have been a sign not to.
Grayson carried a hammer and a box of nails. “Some of the guys damaged one side of the stage setting it up. It needs to be nailed back in place.”
“I can do it,” Josie volunteered. Swinging a hammer and pounding nails would help to work out the stress.
“I’ll help, too,” Lincoln said.
“Only one person is needed on that.”
Josie quickly reached for the hammer and nails and hurried away. She wanted to put some space between them before she told Lincoln exactly what emotions his grandmother had referred to. Or to get some time to figure out why she wasn’t going to after all. She didn’t know how Jean had discovered how she felt about him, but then again, Jean was one of the smartest, craftiest women she knew.
Josie went to work straightening the side and making sure the board was flush with the front. Holding it with one hand and nailing it in place took all her concentration and she didn’t realize that Casey was beside her until she was finished.
“I overheard Mom and Grandma talking at the food table and they were both peeking at you and Lincoln. What’d they do now?”
Josie explained the truth behind the proposal. “Jean takes matchmaking to a whole new level with that trick.”
Casey sat on the edge of the stage. “She means well.”
“I know she does. Everyone in your family does.” Josie sat beside her. “She tried to nudge me into telling Lincoln how I feel about him.” She wiped at a smudge on the knee of her jeans.
“But you’re struggling over saying anything because?”
“Because it won’t change the outcome. No matter what I tell your brother, the results will be the same. We won’t be together.”
“Hmm. Maybe.”
“And I thought if I did tell him and things turned awkward between us again, it might cast a pall over your wedding. I didn’t want to take that chance.”
Casey waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about any of that. I promise you that I won’t notice anything but Kent, so feel free to go for it.”
“I’m not sure.”
“You know that I love you, right?” Casey chewed on her lower lip.
Josie nodded. She and Casey had been as close as sisters were from the day they’d met.
“So in the spirit of that love, I’m going to say something that you need to hear. You are forever second-guessing yourself when it comes to my brother.”
Almost like a magnet pulled her attention to him, Josie looked at Lincoln. He’d taken off the jacket he’d worn. She drank in the muscled contours of his body as he worked. The hard chisel of his jawline and— “Sorry,” she said when Casey called her name.
“I said, the two of you deserve to be happy together. Tell him.”
Josie made a face. “Do you know how awkward Thanksgiving will be at your family’s house with Lincoln trying to pass the potatoes while avoiding eye contact with me?”
“You’re assuming he won’t respond positively to what you say to him and you can’t know that.”
“I do. He told me I was his reckless point and that he wasn’t going to cross that line.”
“Which means he has feelings for you,” Casey said stubbornly. “He always has.”
“I know he does. It’s why he cut me out of his life and acted like I had rabies every time he saw me after that.” It hurt to even acknowledge it. That the reason she’d been pushed away was because he wasn’t willing to take the risk of being with her.
“Tell him.”
“I plan to,” Josie said in exasperation. Well, maybe.
“Before you’re my grandmother’s age.”
“I’ll talk to him when the timing is right.”
“Which will be?” Casey pushed.
“When it happens.”
Casey groaned in frustration. “The timing never seems to be right with you two.”
Josie set the hammer down, heart beating fast. Maybe it would be better to lay all her cards on the table than to continue the frustrating back and forth with Lincoln. If he wanted to be with her, she’d be wildly happy. If he didn’t…at least she could find some closure. She rose. Then froze. If he blew her off and she was surrounded by all the happily ever after during the wedding ceremony, she’d cry her eyes out. “I can’t. Please let it alone.”
Josie finished repairing the stage, then went to see what else she could help with. She found Lincoln kneeling beside several spools of electrical wiring. Each step closer to him made her heart beat harder.
“Hold this, will you?” He handed off some of the wiring to her.
She couldn’t look away from his dark eyes. She winced and bit her lip.
“Are you hurt?” Rafferty asked her, reaching around Lincoln to the take the wiring from Josie.
“No…”
“Oh. You were wincing. I thought you’d stepped on a nail or something.”
“Just thinking.” Josie schooled her features into what she hoped was a happy face. She kept standing there, her gaze wandering over Lincoln’s hard body, her ears delighting in the sound of his warm laughter when Rafferty said something funny.
“What were you thinking?”
Josie hadn’t realized that Lincoln had paid attention to the exchange between her and Rafferty. He rolled the wiring, muscles bunching.
Josie wiped her brow. “I was thinking about all the stuff we got out of the theater last night. It’s all great.”
“Good. I’m glad you can use it. I need you—”
She took an eager step forward. “Yes?”
“To step off the end of the wiring.” He tugged it gently.
“Right, of course.” She moved back. “Do you have plans after this?” Say no, say no, say no. “We’re taking Kent out to celebrate. His last hurrah before he ends up stuck forever with my sister.”
Josie swatted at him. “Kent’s looking forward to the wedding as much as she is.” She waited a few minutes longer, then feeling the need to get away from him before she said something that could turn awkward, said, “I guess I’ll go see if your mom needs help.”
Josie fled. I will not think about Lincoln. I will not. At all. Not even a tiny thought. About his lips. Or his eyes. Or his kindness. Or— Josie groaned. She was doomed.
…
The day of the wedding arrived. All that had to happen now was for the bridesmaids to walk down the aisle and then his sister. The ring Lincoln was supposed to slip to his best friend was in his pocket, and every little hiccup before the ceremony was due to start had been ironed out.
Outwardly, Lincoln was sure he was the epitome of a calm best man. One who had his act together. Inwardly, the events of last night played on repeat in his mind as he waited at the altar beside Kent.
They’d gone out to celebrate the wedding and an hour before they’d planned to leave the bar, Grayson’s ex had shown up. Isabel had rushed straight to his brother with her arms outstretched and apologies falling from her lips faster than raindrops. The bouncer, a close friend of Rafferty’s, had escorted Isabel out but the damage had been done. Grayson had switched from his usual beers to shots and blown past his self-imposed limit.
Lincoln and Kent had dragged Grayson home and stuck him on the sofa where he’d slept the night away, waking this morning to a headache and no doubt regret. Seeing his in-control brother act so out of control made Lincoln again question being around Josie. His family had stayed up late last night and after all the wedding talk, the conversation had inevitably turned to love and relationships.
Rafferty had pointed to Grayson as an example of how badly love treated a man and said that all love was a mistake.
His mother had quietly said, “Love never treats anyone badly. Don’t blame love for what people do.”
The barn doors swung open and Lincoln snapped back to the present. He only saw one of the bridesmaids in her short mint green dress. Josie. None of the others stood out the way that she did.
With each step she took closer to the altar, his thoughts tumbled one after the other and each of them was filled with memories of his life growing up with her.
She walked confidently with a smile on her lips and he had to look away. The wedding music began, and his sister came into view. Her smile for Kent was practically blinding and Lincoln felt a lump rise in his throat. His best friend was a good guy and would take care of Casey, but as the only girl in a family of brothers, he’d protected her from the time she was a baby. Letting go was hard to do. When he saw the moisture in his father’s eyes as he walked her down the aisle, Lincoln knew he wasn’t alone in his thoughts.
When the vows were said and their first kiss as husband and wife over, everyone in the barn cheered. He could almost read their thoughts. It’s about time. Casey and Kent were meant to be. Had always been meant for each other. The two of them were the last ones to know that.
The first dance as husband and wife was announced, and as they walked into the area created for the dancing, Josie appeared at Lincoln’s side. “I can hardly believe they finally got married,” she said in a hushed tone as she watched Casey link her hands around the back of Kent’s neck.
They watched until the dance ended and the floor opened up to everyone else. Lincoln held out his hands, admiring the way Josie’s dress clung in all the right places. “You wanna dance with the best-looking man here?”
Josie laughed and slipped her hands in his.
The contact made his breath catch and he tightened his fingers on hers as he led her to a spot. He pulled her against him and in that second, it was like something that formerly blinded him was stripped away and there was only…Josie. Always Josie. He’d been right in saying she was his reckless point, but she was also his gravity and he would forever be pulled toward her no matter where he went in life. The knowledge rocked him, and he came to an abrupt stop in the middle of the dance floor. Like a lost man desperate to make a connection, he lifted a hand to cup the side of her face.
She raised her eyes to his and breathed out his name.
A shiver ran up his back. He was on the edge of the world about to topple over into uncharted territory.
“Lincoln? What is it?”
I love you. How did I not know that?
Josie called his name again. Sharper.
He blinked and somehow found a smile. “Sorry.” His legs felt heavy, wooden. He started moving to the song again, trying to figure out when he’d handed her his heart. His senses sharpened and he suddenly noticed things about her he hadn’t before. Like how well she fit against him. How easily she moved in his arms. A thousand and one things could go wrong between them. And no doubt would. Josie…sweet Josie…with her smile…with her goodness…would end up mired in the fallout of his screwups.
It hit him hard that he was headed down a path that was real. No more pretending. If he messed up in a fake relationship, no one got hurt. But messing up in a real relationship meant someone’s heart was on the line. He’d been hurt before and survived. But Josie? Her heart was tender. If he screwed up…if he hurt her…he’d never be able to live with the knowledge that he was the one responsible for that.
He was done. After the wedding ended, he would go to Josie’s house and do what was best for her.
How he got through the toasts and the food and the rest of the festivities was nothing short of a miracle. He stayed behind long after almost everyone else was gone and assisted his brothers to restore the barn to pre-wedding status. When he pulled the last light down, he couldn’t help but to compare it to what was going on in his own life. A bright light was about to be shut off for good.
Dreading the conversation, he forced himself to say and do all the right things before he made his escape from his family and headed to Josie’s.
He rang the doorbell. When she opened the door, he saw she’d changed out of her bridesmaid dress and now wore a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. She immediately smiled. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I figured we’d get everything over with tonight. My grandmother’s ring?”
Her smile disappeared. “Oh, right.” She waved him forward. “Come in.”
“I’ll stay on the porch.”
That made her frown as she handed him the ring. “We’re still good, right?”
“No, Josie, we’re not. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” He thrust his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching for her and asking her to not to listen to him.
“Do what?” she asked cautiously.
“Fake date you. Spend time with you. Anything with you. It’s only a matter of time until something goes wrong, and we end up hating each other.”
Josie didn’t react for a second. Then to his surprise she smiled. “Out of all the women in the world, do you think I’m one who can be trusted?”
He waited a beat before he nodded.
“Then trust me when I say that I believe you and I are right for each other. We’re worth the risk.” She took a breath and ran her hand down his arm to tug his hand out of his pocket. Lightly tracing the center of his palm, she locked her gaze with his and slowly said, “I love you.”
Her words washed over him and he wanted to grab them, hold on, and never give them or her up. But what kind of a man would he be to hold on to a woman who deserved better? “I can’t.”
“You’re breaking up with me? For real this time?”
He sighed at her attempt at humor. His heart was too heavy to find anything funny about the situation. “We were never truly together and for a good reason. We don’t belong.”
“Lincoln—”
“We have a past, Josie. Shared history. But that’s all it is. Other than that, you can’t mean anything to me. I won’t let it.” His heart dropped at the sight of the tears that slid down her face. Better this now than for them to get in deeper and him shatter her. He squeezed his hands into fists to keep from touching her.
“I know you care for me,” she said quietly.
“I care for a lot of people.”
She joined him on the porch and he took a step back. “Look at me, Lincoln. You look right into my eyes and say you don’t love me. You can’t can you? You can’t because—”
“I don’t love you,” he said, louder than he intended.
Her eyes widened, and her shoulders slumped. “Well…that changes things. Okay.”
Lincoln didn’t think he’d ever forget the look she gave him before she went inside her house and shut the door. He would not go to his knees. He would let the white-hot pain searing his heart add one more scar, but he’d take the heartbreak now in the hopes that it would protect her from the same. He headed back the way that he’d come one painful, heartbroken step at a time.
…
Lincoln hadn’t realized how hard it was going to be to see Josie at different functions around town. It took every ounce of self-restraint that he had not to walk across the community center, take Josie by the hand, and tell her that he was an idiot. He’d done the right thing and he’d ended up hurting her anyway. He’d been miserable in the time since he’d cut ties with her. What had possessed him to think he’d be able to see her around and not feel like a herd of runaway cattle stampeded his heart?
He glanced over to the table where she was working beside his grandmother as they loaded canned goods into the Thanksgiving baskets that would be donated to those in need. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and when she did, he caught a glimpse of the slight tremble in her hand.
She glanced up, met his gaze, and immediately looked away. Not that he blamed her. He couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror.
He returned his attention to the baskets in front of him and went to work on autopilot, not seeing any of the food items he was loading.
Letting go of Josie was the most difficult thing he’d ever done. He was drawn to her. Wanted her with a desire he’d never felt for any other woman. But he’d spent his life doing his best to protect her. Breaking up with her was him still doing the same. She hurt. He hurt. But it was for the best. He had to believe that.
He let out a groan when his grandmother marched toward him. He’d known she’d eventually have something to say. Every time she’d looked at him, he’d seen reproach in her eyes.
Before she could speak, he beat her to it. “Yes, Josie and I broke up. We’re not getting back together. Case closed.”
She thought about that for a second. “You’ve always been my favorite grandson.”
“Really?”
“No. I don’t have a favorite, but I do have a slot for the grandson who’s acting the dumbest. Usually that’s Rafferty. But at the moment, that’d be you. How could you let that girl get away?”
“Save your breath, Grandma. It’s over and it’s going to stay that way.”
“Give me the ring, then. I need it.”
Lincoln had carried it in his pocket since getting it back from Josie because it reminded him of her. He hadn’t been able to cast it aside in a drawer somewhere. He handed it her. “Why do you need it?”
“I need it for the smart man who’s going to marry Josie one day. I thought that would be you. My bad.” She tucked the ring into her bra and patted her shirt.
“I did what was best for both of us,” he said, feeling the need to explain.
Jean nodded. “Of course.”
“We would both have ended up brokenhearted. I would have failed her eventually.”
“I’ve always been in awe of your ability to predict the future.”
He sighed at the not-so-subtle dig. “You don’t have to see the future to know what the right thing is to do.”
“You became cautious after Savannah.” Jean patted his arm. “Caution sure does keep you warm at night, doesn’t it? Why, it’s just as loving and sweet as Josie is. No wonder you want to keep it around.”
Lincoln crossed his arms, hoping she’d get the message and back off. “I’d rather be cautious than for Josie to regret being with me. I’d rather let her go now than break her heart and make her cry.”
“Oh, I guarantee you that Josie has already cried over you every night since. She loves you.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Lincoln said sharply, his chest burning with the jagged edges of his heart. “It’s too late for us.”
“Too late is when you’re on the table at the coroner’s office,” Jean snapped.
“I don’t want to talk about it any longer.”
“Fine. You know where to find me when you realize you’ve royally screwed up with Josie.”
I haven’t screwed up. I’m saving her from me. He’d said what needed to be said. He knew he’d miss her for the rest of his life. During his toughest days, Josie had a way of making the world a brighter place. Of making him feel like he was a little less lost at sea and more like he was approaching dry land. She’d always had a giving nature but the greatest gift he could give her in return was to leave her alone.
He worked steadily and quietly for hours until all the baskets had been packed. Then he helped break down the tables and put everything away.
Not feeling like going to his parents’ house, where he was sure to face even more questions, he drove to the theater. He might as well finish cleaning it out. Staying busy and working hard would at least exhaust him to the point of being able to sleep. He parked in front of the building, thinking about the last time he’d been here with Josie. He’d been worried that she was slipping through his perfect plan and stealing his heart.
He climbed out of the truck and looked up at the moon. He’d never felt so alone in his life. Scrubbing a hand down his face, he made himself move forward and unlock the door. When he turned on the lights, he thought of Josie on stage singing and the joy on her face. Clenching his jaw, he forced the image aside.
“Dude!”
Lincoln sighed when he heard Rafferty call out to him.
“Saw you head this way. What are you doing here?”
Just what he needed. Rafferty’s solution would be to offer him some other woman’s phone number. “I promised to clean it out. Might as well get it done.”
“I’ll give you a hand.”
“I’ve got one more roomful of stuff backstage to go through and then the attic has a few things. Shouldn’t be more than a couple of truckloads to either save or haul away.”
“I heard what happened between you and Josie. Grandma’s telling everyone in the family,” Rafferty said.
“Good.” It would save him from having to repeat the same story over and over.
“You’re not fooling anyone, you know.”
Lincoln didn’t respond as he worked, just figured he’d let Rafferty yap away until he ran out of words.
“The past is over. What’s done is done.”
“What’s your point besides your head?” Lincoln asked.
Rafferty grinned at the old insult, then sobered. “It didn’t work out with you and Savannah because she was the problem, not you, but you took to heart all the ugly crap she said. She said you weren’t relationship material, didn’t know what a woman needed or how to love one.”
Lincoln frowned. “How’d you know what she said?”
“She was yelling loud enough for it to register on the Richter scale. I never thought that breakup was a mistake. I felt like you had a lucky escape there.” Rafferty shuddered. “But breaking up with Josie…”
“I never loved Savannah the way that I love Josie,” Lincoln admitted.
“Then why let her go?”
Lincoln swallowed, finding it hard to admit his fear. “Because she deserves the best guy possible and I’m not him. Savannah wasn’t wrong when she said I screw up and that I say stupid stuff. I can be impatient, and I miss clues that women give out, you know? I’m not the best at knowing how to be the man I wish I were for Josie.”
Rafferty cocked his head. “Blah, blah, blah is coming out of your mouth, but what I hear you saying is that you’re afraid.”
“Maybe, but you’ve never been in a relationship long enough to know what’s at stake if you fail the woman you love.”
“You’re right, but on the chance in a million that I did ever love a woman and we broke up, you can bet I wouldn’t be standing in an old theater thinking about things. I’d break speed records getting to her and I wouldn’t give up until she took me back.” Rafferty nodded toward the door. “I promised Grandma a game of poker. You done here?”
“I think I’ll stay awhile.”
Once Rafferty was gone, Lincoln made himself work harder and faster as the memories of Josie started to haunt him. He thought about her beauty, her laughter, her crazy sense of humor. He liked the way she bit her lip when she was thinking sometimes. The way she’d give him a look when she thought he was an idiot. He loved the curves of her body…
Then he pictured some other guy walking through life beside her. Some other guy kissing her. Some other guy touching those curves…the thought turned his stomach.
He couldn’t bear thinking like that. Lincoln pushed a pile of clothing from an upholstered chair and sat, then buried his head in his hands. He went back over his prior relationship with Savannah. She’d been right with some of the things she said. He did suck at communicating. He didn’t often know what a woman needed. But Savannah was wrong to say he didn’t know how to love a woman. He just hadn’t loved Savannah with the same all-in feelings that he had for Josie. Because she’d never been the woman for him and maybe his heart always knew that.
Josie… He let out a groan. He’d royally screwed up. He wasn’t perfect and never would be. But he wanted to be with her and hoped she could forgive him, could see past his imperfections to the heart beating in his chest that cried out for her and her alone.
He got up, intending to rush straight to her house and plead his case, but he stopped. No…she deserved for him to show her as best he could what she meant to him. He needed to put some effort into this. He looked around and his eyes landed on a backdrop Josie hadn’t seen because he’d dragged it down from the attic. Picking it up, he hoisted it onto his shoulder and strode outside to his truck. He had a lot of work to do before tomorrow morning to win back the woman he loved.