Chapter 19

HE threw three twenties on the table, which was way more than the bill would ever be, but he clearly didn’t care. I didn’t, either. My blood was boiling and everything else was buzzing and certain places were teetering on feelings I’d become accustomed to experiencing alone. Or in dreams. Not going there.

He took me by the hand and led me out, thanking Micah, and opening the door for me. We stood outside, looking at both our cars. He looked at me as if afraid I’d change my mind if I got in my own car.

“I’ll be right behind you,” I said, meeting his eyes.

And I was. Nothing was going to deter me. Not even if Alex was in my car. Which I prayed he wouldn’t be. Not that I didn’t want to see him so badly it hurt, but it would have kinda washed out the sex drive with Jason.

It took longer to start my piece of crap than it did to drive to his boat, but I made it there and parked behind him, where he stood waiting for me again. My heart thumped even harder at the sight of him. I was going to have sex.

“Shit, Dani, grow up,” I breathed.

He opened my door for me, and I laughed nervously, suddenly wishing we were back on that dance floor where everything was hot and clear and easy and I didn’t have to think.

But he surprised me again. He didn’t grab my hand and lead me into the devil’s den. He just hugged me. Really good. Really warm. Burying his face in my hair, and kissing it, and melting my bones.

He slid his hands up my arms and back again, leaning back to look at me. In the darkness, his face was just lightly lit by the glow from his “porch.”

I smiled, but I felt like my insides were quivering. He moved his hands slowly up to my neck, my face, and then kissed me. Soft, slow, tantalizing, and delicious. You should be kissed— No. I was being kissed. I wasn’t going anywhere else in my head. This was about Jason.

“It’s been a really long time,” I whispered.

He nodded and kissed the tip of my nose. “For me, too.”

I smiled. “I bet I win.”

He chuckled. “Okay.”

I felt his fingers trembling as he stroked my face, and I pulled him closer. “You’re shaking.”

“I’m nervous,” he said, inhaling deeply. “I want you so badly—but I haven’t—I haven’t loved anyone like this—not this fast.” My skin tingled. Did he just say— “This matters, Dani.”

I looked into his eyes that I really couldn’t see well, but I hoped he could see mine. See everything. I reached for his face and pulled it down to mine, kissing him like he’d kissed me. Slow. Long. My heart raced as his words rolled in my head. I kissed him with my whole body, until he responded with a noise in his chest and his hands on the move, and liquid heat spread to all things important.

He picked me up and carried me inside, miraculously not hitting anything on the way in. When he set me down on my feet, I went straight to work on the buttons of his shirt and he made quick work of discarding my vest. He kissed my shoulders, my neck and worked his way down as he sat on the couch. Then as I looked down at him, shirt open and looking tasty, he lifted up the bottom of my tank top and kissed my stomach as if he were making love to it.

“Oh my G—” My voice went away. I closed my eyes and I had no idea if my legs would hold me up. It didn’t matter. I twisted my fingers in his hair as he continued to raise my top up and follow with his mouth. I yanked it off the rest of the way and he popped the front clasp of my bra in a mini-second and landed there with his mouth, warm and wet, as his hands came up my legs.

I couldn’t breathe. I was one giant nerve ending, feeling sensations I couldn’t remember ever feeling. Not like that. Jason rose from the couch, taking me with him in one motion. I wrapped myself around him and he carried me to his bedroom.

JASON even slept sexy. I lay curled up hugging a pillow, watching him. No drool, no slackened open mouth, no snoring. Just gorgeous. And at peace. One arm slung above his head, the other one under my pillow, left over from when we were snuggling.

I was basking. Running over the moments again and again. The feel of his hands on my body, the feel of his skin under my fingers, the heat. The way he moaned my name when he came. The endless kisses that had my lips feeling like they’d been pumped with collagen. His eyes taking me in, the slow sexy way he’d made love to me—the second time. After we’d gotten the mad monkey sex out of the way.

The silliness and the laughter and the serious moments. Like when he said—at least I thought he said—that he loved me? Wow. But I hadn’t said it back. It was simmering there, I knew. I wouldn’t have spilled my guts to him if it wasn’t. But I still had unfinished business lurking somewhere in the realm between here and another place, and that was pulling me two different directions.

I leaned over and trailed my lips lightly down his chest, circling his navel till he stirred.

“Mmm,” he said with a smile, his eyes still closed. “Keep going, you might find the prize in the Cracker Jack box.”

I laughed, and then peeked under the sheet. “It’s already bigger than the box.”

“Your fault.”

He pulled me back up, and kissed me, then we lay face-to-face.

“So, why are you awake?” he asked. “Did I not exhaust you enough?”

I smiled. “Most definitely. I just have to go home in a little bit.”

“Am I hogging the bed?”

“No. I just live with my dad.”

“Ah. Forgot.”

I closed my eyes and smirked. “Really don’t want to have that conversation with him.”

“I understand.”

I scooted up to bury my face in his chest. “Mmm, but you smell so yummy.”

He pulled me tight to him and let his right hand wander from my ass to my breast. “You feel so yummy. And I don’t think I’ve used that word since I was six.”

I kissed his chest and his arm, loving the tightness of his skin over muscle. “Can we play again tomorrow night?”

“It already is tomorrow so how about tonight?”

“Sold.”

“You really have to go right now?”

I looked at the clock on his dresser. “I have about two hours before my dad gets up.”

He lifted my face and kissed me, rolling me over. “I only need one of those.”

I closed my car door with just a shove to make it click, and walked across the gravel, hearing the crunch and the crickets. Feeling thoroughly worn out and giddy, till the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. I looked up.

“Hey.”

I stopped in my tracks and dropped my keys. “Um—hey.”

Alex sat on the top porch step, looking like any other time. Except it wasn’t. I squatted to pick up my keys, feeling the dusty dirt on my fingers. Feeling the dusty dirt on my heart. Everything went heavy as I looked in his eyes. Even from ten feet away, I could see the sad.

“Late night?”

Punch to the gut. “Yeah,” I whispered, feeling the burn. I was gonna cry again. Damn it. “Alex—”

He shook his head and looked toward the river, blowing out a breath like it was a thought he wanted to be rid of. Then he looked back at me with his trademark grin.

“It’s okay, Dani.” He rubbed at his eyes quickly, then smiled again. “It’s how it’s supposed to be.”

I shook my head slowly, blinking the tears free to clear my vision. “Not for us. Not really.” I wiped at my eyes but they kept coming. “It’s always been you.” I flicked a hand his way. “Well, now I guess I know why, but still. It’s always been you.”

“Till now.”

Everything hurt. My chest was heavy, my head hurt, my heart hurt. “Till—now.”

“Come here. Up here.” He pointed at the swing as he stood.

I trudged up the stairs, feeling so bad. How could I go from being so happy to being so sad? I sat down and he kneeled in front of me, which was even worse because I was so close to him. So close to his face. I felt like an errant child. Or a cheating wife.

“I was worried about you after last week. After you saved—” I broke. “Oh God, Alex, you saved my baby.”

“I know.”

“She wants to thank you, too.”

He shook his head. “She doesn’t have to. I’d do it again a million more times.”

“Did it hurt you?” I asked. “I mean, why could the others see you?”

“The steady contact, I think. I—really don’t have another explanation. I didn’t know he could see me till he swam out there.” He met my eyes. “He’s a good guy, Dani.”

“I love you.”

I said it. To Alex. So easily. He breathed a little faster, as if taken off guard.

“Dani—”

“Alex, I’ve loved you my whole life.”

“And I’ve loved you.” I sucked in a breath and shut my eyes tight to the tears that threatened to take me down. “Please don’t cry, love.” Oh God, it would have been better if he hated me than calling me “love.” I wanted to die. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Then why do I feel like I have?”

“Because you’re falling in love. Again.” As much as he fought it, tears came to his eyes, too. “And you think that’s wrong. But it’s not.” He ran a quick hand over his eyes. “We had a life, Sarah and I. And you and I have, too, in our own way. But we—can’t be that. I was the one for Sarah.” He swallowed. “Jason is the one for you.”

I cried harder, and he stood up as he started to, as well. He walked to the banister with his back to me for a minute, and then turned back, better composed. And holding a white rose.

“You’re leaving me, aren’t you?” I choked out.

He knelt in front of me again. “I have to, love.”

“No.”

“It’s time.”

“Because of Jason?”

He shook his head. “Not just that. Because of you. Because you have a chance now. The town knows. Jason knows. You have a chance at a real life, with a real man.” His voice cracked on the last words, and I blinked free a whole new wave of tears.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Whatever’s next.”

“But—”

“Listen to me, Dani.” He closed his eyes for a second, as if to get his thoughts together. When he opened them again, I saw it was to get his heart together. “I need you to know that it has been you. You.” He touched my cheek with the flower. “Not Sarah.”

“What do you mean?”

“I stayed here for Sarah, years ago. I thought you’d be her, but you weren’t. The girl and the woman that became my best friend—” He stopped, breaking under the emotion. “Was you. I will never—ever—let that go.”

I was a mess. A sobbing, wet mess. “Alex, please don’t go.”

“Stand up.”

“What?”

He stood and motioned me to do the same. I stood, facing him, only inches away.

“You felt a little of this the other night, so you know—this will jerk you around a little.”

My head spun. It was all happening too fast.

“What? What are you—”

“I have to kiss you good-bye.” I was speechless. He was serious. “I’m not supposed to. I wasn’t supposed to push you up or pull Riley out of the water, either. But I—can’t leave without it. And I’m just letting you know it’s gonna hurt a little.”

“Wait!” I cried. “Not yet. Can’t we do this later or tomorrow or—” I scrambled for more time.

“No.”

“Why?” I whined.

He ran the rose under my chin. “Because Jason is coming. And you’re his now.”

I looked around. “What?”

“Make it count, love. It’s all we’ve got.”

“Wait, Alex—” I croaked, my voice all squeaky. But there was no more time.

Alex crossed the inches, gave me one split second to look into his eyes, then his hands cradled my face at the same moment his lips touched mine. It was a jolt, like before, but different because I was trying to feel him. Electricity and light and emotion and memories flashed through my body like bombs going off. I couldn’t breathe. I felt his mouth soft on mine, over and over; I even felt his tears. I also felt the most overwhelming love. For Sarah and for me. He was bidding us both good-bye.

My legs started to give way, and he lowered me to the swing, kissing me one last time. I wanted to see him, to look at him again, but I couldn’t seem to open my eyes. Everything was swimming in a haze of lightning.

Then I felt his lips against my ear. “I love you, Dani.”

And he was gone.

I lay on the swing trying to catch my breath, trying to open my eyes. It felt like when your arm goes to sleep and everything is dead, then the pins and needles come. Except it was my whole body coming back.

Including the realization that Alex—

“No!” I wailed, trying to scramble up, but I fell flat. “Alex! Don’t leave me!” I sobbed it to the not-quite-dark-anymore night. To the crickets that were going to sleep. To anything that could possibly hear me. “I love you—” I cried into my hands.

I tried to get up, but my legs were weak, and I stumbled. But not before I saw Jason standing in the yard, toward the far end of the porch. Looking like he’d seen a ghost. Again.