Chapter 18

I stood in my closet, flipping through the same old clothing that wouldn’t change no matter how many times I started over. I didn’t have date clothes. Not anymore. Not much use for pencil skirts and heels in Bethany. I still had a few really dressy things in case someone died or got married, but those would be overkill at Ella’s. Especially if I ended up wearing dinner again. The other 90 percent of my wardrobe was jeans and T-shirts and tank tops.

“Dilemma?” Riley asked as she came in and flung herself across my bed.

“I’m such a guy,” I muttered.

She laughed. “Want something of mine?”

“I only wish I could fit in your clothes.” Riley rolled herself back up and wandered over to stare with me. I laughed. “It doesn’t help to wish it, I’ve tried.”

Her eyes narrowed as she studied my meager choices. “No, I’m looking for how to mix it up.”

“Mix what up?”

She thumbed through a few shirts, pulling out a stretchy silky black tank top with tiny black spaghetti straps.

“I’m not—”

“Hang on.”

A few hangers down, she gave something a look-see, then pulled it out. A deep blue fitted silky vest that I’d never worn because I never knew what to do with it.

“With a tank top?”

“Just try it on.” She went to my dresser and riffled around. “With the black jeans,” she added, tossing them at me. “And your silver wedges. And I have a belt that’ll go.”

I put it all on, and stood in front of the mirror, amazed. The blue vest worn open was perfect with the tank top. It hugged my body without showing my flab, and made my boobs look fantastic. The studded belt gave it a modern kick. I actually looked sexy. It had definitely been a while.

“Wow.”

Riley stood next to me, hand on hip. “Do I need to do your hair and face, too, or are you good with that?”

I gave her a look. “Don’t get cocky.”

“Well, you’ve got the potential to look hot if you work it right,” Riley said, then rubbed her eyes. “And I can’t believe I just said that.”

“I feel your pain.” I went in my bathroom to plug in things and see what I could do to step up my “hot” potential. “I basically told Pop to party it up with a woman earlier.”

Riley’s expression was priceless. “Oh my God.”

“Yeah, I kinda had to shake it off.”

“What woman?”

“Does it matter?”

She grimaced. “No, but it’s like I can’t stop.”

I chuckled. “Marg, from work.”

Riley slapped a hand over her eyes. Things were good here. In our little isolated world where no one could hurt us, life was getting back to normal. But there had been no spirits all week. It was like they were all on vacation. Like regular people live. But living like regular people meant no Alex. And my insides were pining for him.

“What’s the deal with Micah?”

“I know, right? She knocked on the door and I was like ‘holy hell.’ But she just said she wanted to apologize for her boyfriend—or ex-boyfriend, rather—and for her other friends. She said she thought they were being stupid and she should have said something, but then it all got so crazy.”

“Yeah, it did do that.”

“So anyway, no big deal.” Riley pulled her hair down, fluffed it in the mirror, and then twisted it back up again.

“Do you trust her?”

She did a face shrug. “No reason not to, yet. We hung out and talked for a little while. She’s okay. Hates her parents. I felt kinda sorry for her.”

I clipped my hair up in levels. “Why?”

“Because her parents don’t even notice her unless she wins something or does something they can brag about. As far as just talking about stuff, she doesn’t have anybody.”

Oh, thank God, maybe I was doing something right.

“Can I get a tattoo?” she asked then, pulling up her shirt and circling her hipbone with a finger.

After the pause I needed to recover from the proud-parent moment, I said, “When you’re grown and paying your own rent and health insurance, you can do whatever you want.”

She grinned. “Carmen has one.”

“Well, there’s a selling point.”

“Just saying.”

“Carmen has—issues.” When Riley laughed, I added. “Don’t pick up any of them.”

She sighed as she grabbed the straight iron from me and started on the back of my hair.

“Seriously, I’ve got this,” I said.

“You keep missing the same spot and it’s bugging me.”

I gave up and let her make me pretty. “So, what are you doing tonight while Mommy’s out having a meltdown?”

“Grady’s helping Miss O with some stuff, so I’ll probably go over there or just watch TV or something.” She finished that level andpulled another clip down. “And don’t have a meltdown, you’ll messup the outfit.”

I debated whether to walk or drive. It was close enough, but the fifteen-minute walk to Ella’s would have me arriving a sweating un-fresh mess, so I opted to drive the silly thirty seconds instead. I laughed when I saw his car, especially since his was about ten. But when I got out and walked up to the boardwalk, I wasn’t laughing. I was looking for my tongue.

Jason stood leaned up against the building, arms crossed, wearing dark tight jeans and a black button-down that was a little snug on his upper arms, freshly shaven and looking good enough to lick banana pudding off of. Even better was his expression when he saw me.

He pushed off the wall and looked me up and down like I was chocolate. Or maybe that was my perspective. Him being a guy and all, it was probably more like prime rib.

“Hey,” I said, trying to sound casual.

“Hey.”

I blinked and licked my lips when his gaze didn’t waver. “You’re staring.”

“You’re stunning.”

I willed my knees not to buckle and mentally thanked Riley. “Well, back atcha.”

There was a thickly charged moment in which I thought my blood might catch fire, then he finally said, “Hungry?”

Not even if it had been a month of tree bark and seawater. “Sure.” I gestured toward the door. “You waited out here for me.”

“I asked you here. I’m not gonna make you walk in there alone.”

His hand came up under my hair and rested on the back of my neck as we walked in. Looking like a couple, my girly mind squealed. Micah looked up from a clipboard and did a double take. Giving me a small smile, she grabbed a bucket and two menus.

“Hi, Ms. Shane. Y’all eating here?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Band’s playing tonight. Want a table in there?”

Did I? Dancing close to Jason would be so good. Rowdy crowd—not so much. But it was Monday. How rowdy could a Monday be?

“Sure,” he said. I guessed he was hoping for a grope, too.

I followed Micah, feelings of trepidation washing over me mixed with excitement over being with Jason. What were the odds that we could ignore all that mess and just start from right now? We sat and Micah hovered for a second.

“Um,” she began, her eyes moving from me to her hands and back again. “Just so you know—” She looked around her. “My mom might be here later with her friends.”

Great.

“Okay.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jason said, opening a menu.

“I just—I don’t like how she is sometimes and I’m sorry for all that.”

I smiled at her. “It’s okay, Micah. Thank you.”

She left, and unfortunately that put Jason and me right smack in the middle of the crap I had wanted most to avoid. I saw it in his face. He put down the menu he wasn’t really reading since he knew it by heart, waved down the waitress, ordered us two beers, and sat back to look at me.

I met his intense gaze and tried to appear calm, to breathe normally. I refused to just start babbling. He was going to have to lead this show.

“Damn, you’re beautiful tonight,” he said, his voice low like he wasn’t sure it was out loud. Heat rushed to my head and made me dizzy. Wasn’t expecting that. “I’m—you know I’m not good with words. But I’ve gotta tell you, I forgot how to breathe when you walked up.”

A nervous laugh fell out of my mouth. “No, that’s—pretty good.”

“Made all my thoughts leave me for a minute, so bear with me if I ramble.”

My heart was thumping so hard, I had to take a deep breath and let it out slow. “Say whatever you want. I know—you have questions.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head, as if trying to get the jumble back in order. “I don’t even know what to ask you, because I don’t know if I have the right to know.” He toyed with a spoon in front of him. “I guess that’s my dilemma in a nutshell.”

Okay, wasn’t sure where to go with that. “What is?”

“What are we doing? Because if we’re gonna be together, I have a son who will eventually ask questions, and I need to know what the hell is going on.” He looked at me hard. “And even if Connor doesn’t ask, I need to know anyway.”

I took a breath. “Okay.”

“Unless we’re not together,” he added quickly. “And that’s a question. Because I feel like we are, but if we aren’t, then I guess you don’t have to tell me anything.”

I suddenly felt sweaty from the rambling outpour. My beer arrived and I took a swallow gratefully, letting the icy bitterness sink through me. I took another deep breath and blew it out.

“I’ve been hoping we still were.”

“Then why didn’t I know any of this?”

“Because I—I’ve never been able to do that. I mean, Riley’s dad was around for a year, I lived with him, and he never knew. I don’t go around inviting reasons for people to push me away.”

Jason frowned. “Is that what you think I would do?”

“Where have you been this week?”

His expression relaxed and he looked down. “Okay. Touché. I’m sorry.” He took a long swig of his beer. “Can you tell me about it, now?”

I looked in his eyes for a moment. “I’ve never done this.”

He leaned forward on his elbows. “Relax.”

I smiled involuntarily and averted my eyes, feeling some of the stress recede. Just relax. Let it all tumble out. Good lord.

“When people die, sometimes they don’t leave just yet. And for some reason, I can see them. They come to me on their way to other places. I don’t know why.” I picked up a napkin and began tearing tiny strips. “When I was little, I didn’t realize that other people couldn’t see them, too, so I became the town freak, talking to people who weren’t there.”

I looked up and saw some puzzle pieces fall into place for him.

“And now?

I gave a small shrug. “It’s a small town, Jason. Most people just avoided me growing up, but Matty and Blaine and that crowd—they were the worst. They had to get in my face every day.” I laughed bitterly. “Well, you’ve seen that hasn’t changed much.”

“I’m sorry, Dani.”

His eyes were soft and sincere. “I’m used to it. It’s Riley I’m concerned about.”

“And she can do this, too?”

I nodded. “But I didn’t know that till the day we got here. I never saw it till—till she saw an old friend of mine.” I swallowed hard.

He blew out a breath. “The guy in the river.”

I met his eyes. “I know this is a lot to process. I know it’s hard to buy into.”

“It probably would have been. But I saw it.”

“And I can’t even explain that, because—I haven’t talked to him since.”

He rubbed his face. “Talked to him—see that’s the—is this all the time?”

I felt my heart sink, and I sat back and traced lines in the condensation on my mug. “Jason, if this is too much to deal with, I get it. I’ve been alone for most of my life for that reason. I understand. Really.”

“No, you don’t get it.”

The sharpness in his tone made me look back up.

“Dani, did you hear me earlier? I wouldn’t be sitting here if it was too much. Truth is, you scare the hell out of me.”

“What?”

“And long before Superman came up out of the waves, believe me. Nothing to do with that. What terrifies me are secrets.”

Okay, Dad, I hear you.

“It’s been a long time since I trusted anyone. But I’ve let myself trust you. With my son. With—” He stopped and took another swallow. “I just don’t do that. And that scared me, already. Now, finding out that the woman I’m—that you have this whole life I didn’t even know about.”

“I’m sorry. Look, I understand not trusting. I’ve never been able to do that. Ever.” I sat back in my chair and scooped my hair back. “This isn’t like saying ‘hey, I used to shoplift candy bars.’ People don’t understand this. They’d rather burn me at the stake than try. My whole life has been a secret.”

He was quiet for a minute. “And now?”

I looked around the room. “Now, it’s everybody’s business.” I waved a hand. “And I’m not blaming my dad. He’d had enough. He’s seen and heard so much crap because of me, it was time.” I closed my eyes. “I just don’t want Riley to have the life I did.”

“Maybe it not being a secret anymore will help.”

I shook my head. “Closed minds will stay closed. I’m not naïve.”

“Hey, Dani,” someone said to my right, and I turned to see a woman and her husband passing on their way to the bar. Her smile was open and I recognized her from the bait store. They both raised a hand. Wow.

I turned back to see amusement in his eyes. “What?”

“Maybe they aren’t so closed.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Don’t let them fool you.”

He leaned forward. “Don’t let them in, right? Because they might fool you?” He reached for my hand, and his was warm. “I know that game, too. It’s safe, but it’s pretty lonely there.”

I opened my mouth but there weren’t words. He knew me. Somehow, he knew me. And was blindly trusting someone for probably the first time in his life, and look at the circus he chose to start that with.

“You’re right. And Jason, it was never that I didn’t trust you. We’re just new. I wanted this so badly, and I—I was so afraid you wouldn’t want me back anymore.”

He leaned closer across the table. “You have no idea just how much I want you.”

The double entendre made me relax and smile. “You know what I mean.”

“And you don’t have to worry,” he said, sitting back. “But I’m curious, if all this hadn’t come to light like it did, would you have told me?”

No.

“Yes.” I laughed lightly. “With two of us talking to thin air, I think it would have been hard to hide long term.”

“And Alex?” My insides tensed at just the mention of his name. Jason’s eyes recorded it all, and the playfulness pulled back as he nodded. “That’s what I’m talking about. Dani, that’s the same response, the same look in your eyes as the other night when you saw him.” He rubbed his eyes, and then let his hands fall to the table. “I’m honest with you. What are you still hiding?”

I felt the burn in my throat, in my chest, in my eyes. Alex was hard to talk about. And to tell him everything?

“Alex is—”

“Are you ready to order?”

My thoughts were interrupted by the jovial, round-faced girl standing next to us.

“Bring us some chips for now, we’re not ready yet,” Jason said quickly. The girl bounced away on her chiply mission.

I inhaled sharply and tried to clear my head. My napkin was beginning to look like it had gone through a shredder. I focused on the fibers, not able to look at Jason while I talked about Alex. I just couldn’t.

“I met Alex when I was sixteen,” I said softly. “After Carson and Matty and their buddies tried to pass me around as a party favor one night.”

“What?”

I lifted a hand to wave it off. “Carson acted all nice and invited me, then they got me drunk and tried—well, they tried. I wasn’t drunk enough.” I felt the testosterone level rise in the air, but I didn’t look up. “Alex was at my car and wouldn’t let me drive home. We got to be friends that night.” I smiled. “My only friend. Didn’t matter that he was a spirit, he was all I had.”

“So he’s looked out for you all these years?”

How deep to go? “Yeah.”

“What else?”

“What?

“I can tell there’s more.” He sat looking so patient. Damn it.

I was his wife in another life. “He died—” My chest got tight. “He and his family died in a storm very much like—the other day.” I felt my resolve go down and my voice with it. “He drowned trying to hold his little girl above the water.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t look at Jason. I focused on keeping myself together.

“And since then, he’s been keeping you above water.”

I looked at him and my eyes filled with tears. God, I’d never thought about it like that.

“I guess so.”

“So saving Riley from drowning—”

My tears spilled over and I tried to say it. I tried to say that it was significant. That he saved another of my children, that there was more to it than that, but I couldn’t form the words. The emotion overwhelmed me like a flood coming up from my core. I put a hand over my face and tried with all I had to stop it.

Jason got up and came to sit by me, putting his arms around me. “Hey, it’s okay,” he said, pulling me to him. “Baby, it’s okay.”

I wanted to crawl in a hole, crying like that on a date. No wonder I never had any. But bringing that up had opened a door that I couldn’t close. He pulled my hand away from my face and made me look at him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“Oh God, I’m sorry.” He thought he’d done it. I clenched my fists and tried to think of Shelby or Matty or things that would make me mad so I’d quit. I wiped at my eyes and tried to laugh. “Not looking so hot, now, huh?”

He pulled my face to his and kissed me, soft and tender. And again. And again. Till all my muscles were relaxed and I was mush.

“I think you’re gorgeous,” he whispered against my lips. The sensation sent tingles to every nerve ending. He leaned back a bit so he could look at me. “I get it, okay? You don’t have to explain anymore. I know how close we came to losing her.”

And saying “we” was just about the coolest, most endearing thing he could say to me. But there was no way for him to really understand, while I kept him out of that particular loop. It was about Riley, but also about Alyssa. About Alex. About Sarah. About my lifelong connection with a man I could never have but would always be tied to because of her. I couldn’t say any of that. I could only grab on to the Riley issue and ride that out, because the truth was I was falling for him big-time. And telling him the truth about Alex would drive him away, no matter what he said earlier. Jason was stealing my heart and I wanted him to.

“You saved her, too.” I touched his face and watched his eyes flicker. “You were my hero, too. He pulled her out and you breathed life back into her.” I felt my eyes burn again. “And if we keep talking about this, I’m gonna cry all night.”

The waitress brought our chips and gave us a questionable look, hovering for a second then moving on. Jason wiped the remaining tears off my cheeks and kissed me again.

“Then let’s talk about something else.”

Oh, thank God I passed.

“Well, let me go find the ladies’ room, and then we can talk about anything you want.”

He pointed the way, squeezed my hand, and went back to his seat. I rounded the corner through a hallway marked with neon people wearing pants or dresses and shoved through another old wooden door. I glanced at myself in the mirror and groaned on the way to privacy.

Wasn’t private long. The second I sat down, the room was full again. With Shelby-ites and the queen mother. Crap. Where did they morph from?

“—Saw it, but my husband’s too damn cheap.”

“No shit,” another one said. “We never have enough money for what I want, but if it’s flat and plasma or cold and in a bottle, funny how the coins fall out his ass.”

I recognized the voice as Lisa’s. Female laughter echoed through the bathroom, and I heard Shelby’s flat sarcastic cackle. There were two options. I could stay in the stall till they left or go throw myself in the fire. I got out my compact and did quick eye repair in case I never made it to the mirror.

“I saw Jason’s car outside; did you see him?”

“No, but I’m sure he’s here,” Shelby said, sounding flippant. “He’s always here.”

“Wonder if that psycho is with him. What’s she, a witch now or something?”

I opened the stall and strode out, smiling ear to ear. “Or something.”

Lisa and another woman I remembered as Alicia-something pivoted in place, eyes wide. Shelby at least had the presence of mind to stay facing the mirror, staring at me with hatred as she fixed her lipstick. It was like high school all over again. I suddenly pitied all of them, still living that same life, and that one moment lifted all the intimidation.

I looked at Lisa and thought of what Miss Olivia had said. “Excuse me,” I said, and she and the other girl parted like the Red Sea so I could wash my hands.

“Well, well,” Shelby said, taking her time messing with her purse. “If it isn’t our own little Charmed One.”

“Shelby, quit,” Lisa said, her voice so tiny it was almost a whisper.

Shelby swung her are-you-crazy gaze her way, and Lisa looked like she wanted to duck. “What? After what Carson and Drew went through because of her? Seriously?”

Lisa busied herself with her hair, not meeting Shelby’s eyes. “Drew was a jerk, and Carson taught him how to be that way. Look how he was treating Micah! They put themselves there, nobody twisted their arms.” For just a microsecond, her gaze flickered to me.

Shelby scoffed, looking royally pissed. “Well, you be all bleeding heart if you want, but I know what I know.”

I looked her way as innocently as I could, and gave a small smile. “Whatever.”

As I walked away, Shelby said, “Dress her up, she’s still a freak.”

I stopped. Not because of what she’d said, but because Micah had walked in, and her face was priceless. And I was sad for her.

“Mom.”

Shelby’s eyes jerked her way, surprised, and then her demeanor settled back into her normal haughty way. “Micah, go back to work, baby.”

“No!”

I held my breath. All three women’s faces reddened, but Shelby’s was in anger.

“Micah—”

“What is wrong with you?” Micah’s voice was trembling. “Mom, you sounded just like the bitches at my school. How can you be such a horrible person?”

I stared at her in shock. Shelby’s offspring was taking up for Riley and me. The earth felt like it wiggled a little. As much as it was like watching a train wreck, I really wanted to get out of there.

I made my feet move. “Micah, it’s okay,” I said as I tried to pass her.

“Don’t speak to my daughter,” Shelby piped in, following me. “Don’t even look at her.”

“Mom!”

I turned with the intention of saying something equally as hateful, but somewhere in that two seconds a peace settled over me. Micah’s expression was etched on my brain, and by the time I was eye to eye with Shelby, all I could do was pity her.

“I hope my daughter never looks at me the way yours just looked at you,” I said softly, and then I walked around Micah, patting her arm, and made it out the door.

Somehow, I got to the table without ever exhaling, and when I sat down I let it all go. Jason looked at me funny, then looked up as the parade came out, and his expression changed to wary.

“That can’t have been good,” he said under his breath.

“It was sad, actually.”

“Sad, how?” he asked, but had to do a double take as Shelby planted herself tableside. We both looked up at her.

“Don’t you ever talk to anyone in my family again,” she spat. Her face, I noticed, wasn’t actually pretty anymore. Up close, she had the age that comes with the party life. “Do you understand me, freak?”

She leaned down a little in order to make the word land on me harder. But it was different. Clarity had beamed down on me, and all I could do was touch Jason’s hand so he wouldn’t use it to hit her, look at him as if she wasn’t there, and smile.

“Ready to order?”

There was a second of surprise in his eyes, but then he recovered and went with it.

“Absolutely.”

We grinned at each other as Shelby marched away, her puppets faltering and going a different way. Lisa met my eyes for just a second and I felt the tide change.

Jason looked at me with curious eyes. “Do I get the play-by-play?”

The band came and started their set and I smiled at him. “Later. Let’s just enjoy this, now.”

“Oh, I almost forgot.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a tiny bag, handing it over to me.

I took it tentatively. “What’s this?”

He nodded at it. “Just open it and then don’t argue with me.”

Well, that sounded appealing. I unfolded the paper edge and peeked inside, then put it down and gave him a look.

He shook his head. “You heard me.”

I sighed and pulled out the fleur-de-lis earrings I’d seen him conspire to buy with Miss Olivia. I traced the pattern with my fingertip. It was ridiculous, but no one had ever bought me anything. Riley’s dad only bought household things, and then he’d taken them with him.

“You’re amazing,” I said, not really trusting that my voice would come out. “Thank you.”

“No big deal.” But he was beaming.

“It is to me.”

I put them on, and held up my spoon to see the reflection, smiling like a teenager. My first gift from a man. Well, other than a baby.

We ate chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes and summer squash baked with cinnamon. And banana pudding. I really tried not to think about my earlier fantasy with the pudding. But the kissing had flipped that switch, and it kept jumping in there. We laughed and people-watched and ignored Shelby’s friends, who were there without her then and looked lost and confused.

People still looked at me—at us—but mostly me. They’d look and then look away and say something discreetly to whomever they were with. Wasn’t new, but yet it was. They knew the real deal now, and I guess that made it different. There was eye contact, though, and occasional smiles. I guess that was something. Or maybe Jason was right. Maybe it was me allowing it to be something.

As we sat there, fat and happy, a slow song came on, and Jason stood up.

“Going somewhere?”

He smirked and grabbed my hand. “You’re coming with me.”

I followed him to the dance floor, weaving around the other touchy-feely couples, and as he turned, he pulled me tight into his arms. There wasn’t the polite starting distance of the first time. When I wrapped my arms around him, we were moving as one. And as I closed my eyes and felt his hands on my back and in my hair, everything dormant began to stir.

That song ended, and thankfully another slow one followed, because I wanted to stay like that forever, molded to Jason. Enveloped in the warmth and aroma and feel of him.

My face was in his neck, and he smelled delicious, like sweet wood. I wanted to kiss him there, so badly, but I was afraid we’d end up on the floor. Then he moved my hair and kissed my ear, sending sparks to everything hidden, and I figured all was fair.

I let my lips land where they wanted to, and I tasted him, getting a charge through my body when I felt him suck in a breath and pull me even tighter. He kissed my ear again as we moved to the music, swaying together. I kissed him back, trailing my lips a little farther. I felt his chest rumble as he made a tiny groan, and my breathing quickened.

His hands started to roam as he kissed the side of my face, my nose, my mouth, and then he held the back of my head as he deepened his kiss, exploring my mouth. I wound my fingers in his hair and kissed back with all the passion I had, feeling like I would erupt into flames any minute.

He pulled back slowly, his hands in my hair, breathing fast. “Dani—”

“Want to leave?” Did I just say that? I was about to be easy. I’d never done that. But I’d never been with a man like Jason, either.

“So much.”