Chapter 9
WE strolled down the steps, through the yard, up the gravel road. The stars were pale with such a bright moon, but the sky was perfect.
“What was her name?” I finally asked.
Alex put his hands in his pockets, eyes focused downward as if he were studying the dirt pass under our feet.
“Why?” he asked, his voice quiet.
“Because in all these years, I’ve hardly learned anything about you.”
“You’ve never asked.”
I shrugged. “I was young, Alex. Selfish.” I peeked at his profile. “I’m asking now.”
We walked a few more feet and I felt his eyes on me. “Her name was Sarah.”
I felt a lump harden in my stomach. Sarah. Sarah and Alex. Alive. I cleared my throat as my ears started to ring a little.
“How did you meet?”
“At—I don’t even know what you did—God, how horrible am I?”
Alex laughed. “I had two jobs, actually. I worked at a bank during the day, and a boat shop most nights.”
“Wow, that’s pretty different.”
“Well, the boat shop was my dad’s, so I grew up in there.” He chuckled. “Later on, I did it more as an apology than a need.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was supposed to take the business and I caved to the white-collar world instead.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah.” We passed a few more steps in silence.
“Are your parents still alive?” I asked.
“I’d be in my seventies, Dani.”
“Oh yeah, guess not.” I toed a rock. “So you were a banker.”
He laughed. “Hardly. I was a peon.”
“And that’s where you met Sarah?” That was weird, to say her name. His expression showed the same thing.
“Yeah.”
I let a moment pass. “What was she like?”
At his pause I chanced a look, and saw the trace of a smile on his lips. I was instantly hit with a pang to the heart. Then he looked at me and I looked away.
“Funny. Beautiful, and completely unaware of it. And infuriatingly hardheaded at times.” He made a random move as if to twist at a wedding ring, and then glanced down as if he just remembered it wasn’t there.
I laughed to myself. “Sounds like Riley.”
“Sounds like you.”
We had made it to the main road, toward Ella’s, I could see the warm glow from the windows. Back in the public eye. So I made sure to keep my voice down.
“What?”
“Evidently, I’m sucked in by stubborn women.”
“Excuse me, I don’t think I sucked anyth—” I had to stop, but the connotation was already there. Alex started to laugh.
“No, I’m sure I’d remember that.”
I blew out a breath. “Yep, it’s certified. Men are assholes.”
He laughed again and spun to walk backward in front of me.
“So do you miss her?”
The question was across my lips before I could even form the thought. Why did I say that? He stopped and therefore I had to as well or run into him. He never flinched, just trusted that I’d stop. We were only inches apart. He stared into my eyes for a moment before closing his, and I wanted to pull it back.
I was mortified that I’d hurt him. Did he miss her? How stupid of me. I opened my mouth to take it back, but he opened his eyes then and they were clear, like the conversation had never happened.
“Alex, I—”
“Shh,” he whispered. “Go down there. Relax. Have a beer. Have some pudding.”
I blinked. “Beer and pudding.”
“Don’t knock it.” He smiled. His poker face was back on.
But not for me. I shook my head. “You know everything about me, Alex. My weaknesses, my secrets, everything. You know down to the second my daughter was born and what I had for dinner that night. I care about you. I just want to know you like that.”
His jaw twitched, and he looked away.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I continued. “I’m sorry I went too far.”
He met my eyes instantly, with an intensity that made my toes tingle.
“They were my family, love.” His voice cracked a little, and my stomach flipped over. “I miss them like I miss breathing. But that is my cross. And it was a long time ago. Please leave it there.”
I felt hot tears burn the backs of my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
He shook his head and inched closer. “You never have to be sorry that you care about me.”
“What do you mean, ‘your cross’?”
He dropped his head. “Good night, Dani.”
“Too much again?”
He smiled and winked at me, but the playfulness was gone. “Good night, Dani.”
He turned and walked away. I stood there, stunned. I’d never heard so much of Alex’s life. Sarah. Alex loved a woman named Sarah. The name made me feel weird. What was that feeling in my stomach? Jealousy? No—I didn’t think so. Not so much jealousy, as maybe a reality check. The reality that he wasn’t Superman or something invincible.
Or all mine.
He’d had a life, and love, and family and friends, all before I entered the picture. And lost them. And for reasons I’d never understood, he never crossed over. I assumed that they did, or he’d be with them.
Alex and Sarah. And a daughter with no name.
For now, I stood in the middle of the road alone, pondering questions that no one was there to answer. So I decided to go for the pudding.
I pushed open the heavy wooden doors of Ella’s to muffled music and a troubled mind. And I realized with a start that it was because for the first time in my life I was sharing Alex. As stupid as that may sound. Not that his past was something not there before, but it wasn’t there for me before. My selfishness claimed him for myself, like all he existed for was me. Granted, he only talked about me and always turned subjects off himself so he was a coconspirator in the madness, but still. As an adult, I should have seen past it. I should have realized that there were at least two others that occupied his heart and mind that were far more than just names.
“Hi. Do you have a pickup or are you meeting someone?”
I blinked and found myself face-to-face with a flushed heavyset girl with the prettiest dark eyes I’d ever seen.
“Um—” I guess eating alone wasn’t one of the choices. “Just ordering some dessert.”
She took my order and asked if I wanted to wait at the bar or there in the lobby.
“There’s a bar?” I looked around and only saw buckets.
She smiled. “Yes, ma’am. It’s seafood buffet night and we have live music on weekends and Tuesdays.” She pointed to a hall on the right. “We’ll bring your order to you if want to go check it out.”
Wow. Like a real grown-up with a life. What a concept. Halfway down that hall, I caught a glimpse of myself in a huge mirror with a jolt. Holy crap? Straight from a drooling nap to walking all the way here with mascara smeared, a bruise on my cheek, no lipstick or blush or even my hair brushed.
I did a quick hair repair, smoothed it down, swiped under my eyes, and bit my lips to give them some color. I stepped back to survey the effect.
“Hope for dim lighting, Dani,” I whispered.
The next set of doors opened to a whole new world that fortunately for me did include dusky lighting and an eighties cover band.
I wasn’t the type to go sit at a bar alone, but this was technically a restaurant, right? Just happened to have entertainment there. And as I looked around, I noticed it also happened to have a large majority of the town. Apparently, this was the hot Saturday-night ticket in Bethany.
Tables overflowed with diners as they mauled barbecued crabs and sucked on crawfish heads. Beer flowed and personal garbage buckets filled up with mangled shellfish parts.
I saw way too many familiar faces, so I turned to find a corner of the bar I could hide in, and ran smack into Jason. Again.
“Oh crap.”
“Hey.” His face didn’t say hey. It said beat me with a stick.
“Hey,” I said back.
He backed up a step and ran a hand through his hair and down across his eyes as if I’d just worn him out all over again.
“Saw you come in and I was gonna tell you to come sit down but I don’t know if that’s safe.”
I gave him a smartass look and took a quick inventory of the bar. There were three empty stools in the corner. Nice, dark, and wouldn’t have to stay long anyway.
“I’m just waiting for dessert, I can sit up here.”
He gave me a don’t-be-stupid look. “Come on.”
He turned and clearly meant for me to follow. I opened my mouth to protest, but he was already halfway back to a table. I could have ignored him, but I did have to work with the guy, so with that justification I trudged in his wake.
He sat at a tall table with stools, facing the band, and so I took the chair to his right. He had a mug of beer in front of him that looked relatively untouched. Unfortunately, the timing wasn’t great because the band was on a break, and a spooky Evanescence song was on so we had nothing to pretend to focus on.
“Want a beer?”
I shook my head. No matter what Alex said, beer and pudding just sounded nasty.
I nodded. I was acutely aware of two tables of “problem people” to my right, and I felt the heat rise in my neck as I heard my name mentioned in their chatter.
He looked frustrated with me. “Okay, next question.” Then he dropped his eyes to the cardboard coaster in front of him. “I’m sorry about today.”
I blinked. Was that a question? “Um, okay.”
He kept his eyes cast down, tracing the pattern of the coaster with a forefinger. “It was a really bad day today, but that’s no reason to—anyway.” He shrugged and stood the coaster on edge.
“It’s okay.”
“Not really. I shouldn’t have been like that. Guess I’m not used to having anyone care enough to listen—much less come check if I’m alive.”
I laughed at that. “Call it morbid curiosity.”
“Call it what you want, my own wife never took that much time to see what I was doing.”
I studied him as he balanced the coaster and then leaned it against the glass. His vulnerable side peeked out, and the last time it did that, he yanked it back and barked. I didn’t have a great record so far that night with “wife” conversations, either, so I proceeded with caution.
“I’m sorry.”
Jason looked up, narrowing his eyes slightly. “How’s your face?”
My hand went up automatically to check it. “Oh, it’s okay.”
He nodded and I had the distinct impression that small talk was about to run its course. “Your daughter seems all right.”
I smiled and pulled a packet of sugar from a square plastic cup so I’d have something in my hands.
“She’s my everything.”
Which reminded me to send my everything a quick text about my whereabouts, in case they got worried. I had just gone out on the porch to eat, after all.
“I take it her dad isn’t around?”
A small laugh came up unbidden. “No.”
“Do they still have a relationship?”
I knew he asked to get some bearing on his own situation, but there was no comparison. It was like apples and elephants.
“She never knew him.”
He frowned, and I could imagine the thoughts going through his head. But his eyes weren’t defensive for once, the walls were down, so I decided to go for broke.
“Look around this room, Jason. I grew up here and can name at least fifteen people in here close enough to eavesdrop on us, but did you see anyone speak to me?” Jason’s eyes did a quick scan of the room. “I got away from here and moved to Dallas for twenty years, but that didn’t change anything. Riley’s dad was no different than anyone else.”
“He left you?”
“That’s an understatement.”
Jason took a swallow of room-temperature beer. “My wife left me. Not for anyone else, she just didn’t want me. How do you make that logical for a ten-year-old?”
“How do you make up a father for a child who thinks she was bought at the grocery store?”
He chuckled. “Okay, you win.”
“Her dad was a con man. And yet I still tell her it was a one-night stand with a great guy I never saw again.”
“Why?”
“So she doesn’t feel like half loser.” I waved at a waitress and ordered a beer after all. “We haven’t had that many men around, so she doesn’t relate easily to them anyway. The last thing I want is to add ‘sired by a troll’ to her insecurities.”
A smile played at his lips as he focused back on the coaster. “I know where she’s coming from.” At my quizzical look, he continued. “I grew up in three different foster homes.”
That got my attention. “Wow. Really?”
He nodded. “Fell into the system when I was seven, and aged out at eighteen. People want babies, not kids old enough to remember their baggage.”
“Man, I’m sorry. That sucks.”
He sat back and pondered that. “I don’t know. It was better than where I started out.”
“I can’t imagine not growing up with my dad.”
“What about your mom?”
“She died when I was born.”
“Sorry.”
I shrugged. “What about yours?”
“My mother was an addict. Never knew my dad.”
“Okay, you win.”
He laughed, a genuine laugh that was infectious. “One of my foster dads always said that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
My beer arrived, and I raised it to him. “Touché. You know, that applies with your son, too.”
He looked back down at his hands, and I wondered if I was back on foreign ground again.
“It will get better, Jason. It just may take some work. And some time.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah.” Then he scanned the room. “What’s the story here?”
“You mean with me?” I smirked. “I’m surprised that they haven’t already bent your ear.”
I took another swallow. “I never quite fit in when I was a kid. And small-town minds never let that go.”
Those green eyes of his locked in on mine, and for once in my life, I didn’t look away. It was liberating.
The band came back and broke immediately into a fair rendition of an REO Speedwagon song. Two couples got up to dance in the small square of floor. I sat back and enjoyed the music. Enjoyed being out. In public. Without scrutiny.
They played an Elton John song next, and then Foreigner’s “Waiting for a Girl Like You.” Three more couples locked up. And before I knew it, Jason was up and pulling at my hand.
“What—no—” I laughed. “I don’t dance.”
“What doesn’t kill us—”
“Oh, but it might.” I tried to pull my hand free but no luck.
“You’ve plowed into my car, landed on top of me, and tried to break into my home. You owe me.” Then he just put on an endearing expression that I didn’t know he was capable of. “Come on, don’t shoot me down.”
“Oh crap.” But I was on my feet, and in four more steps, I was in his arms.
Everything in me stiffened. “How do you know I won’t step on your feet now?”
“Instinct.”
I felt the low rumble of his laugh.
“Relax,” he said low above my right ear. “It’s just dancing. Nothing scary.”
“Um—” I could hear my heart thump in my ears. That seemed kinda scary.
“Just relax.”
I closed my eyes and tried. Concentrated on the music and the fact that his body was tight against mine. A body I’d seen part of and knew that it was as good as it promised to be under the pullover shirt and jeans. Focused on the warmth of his hand that wasn’t sweaty and prayed that mine wasn’t. Thought about the interesting proximity and angle of his head to mine, and how he smelled like soap and wood.
“I don’t even remember the last time I danced,” Jason said after several moments.
I did. “Riley is sixteen. So that makes seventeen years ago, probably.”
He laughed and leaned back to see my face, I guess to see if I was serious. “Okay, you win.”
I laughed with him, and it happened. I felt every muscle unlock and let go. I even let go of the breath that felt stuck in my chest.
The song rolled to an end, and Jason did a finger twirl and turned me with a flourish.
“Well, look at you,” I said with a grin. I felt more female than I had—ever. Light. Sexy.
“Whoo-hoo, Dani Shane!”
And it all tumbled down with one voice and one set of hands clapping right behind me. I twisted to see Shelby Sims’s inebriated face. I felt them—all the little muscles and nerve endings in my body—as they got reacquainted and braided themselves into the intricate knots I was so familiar with.
Shelby’s normally perfectly applied eyes were smeary and smudged in the corners, and her lipstick was left to remnants in the cracks.
“Well, don’t y’all just look all sweet,” she gushed, her eyes noting that Jason still had hold of my hand. She tilted her head all cute. “Hey, Jason.”
“Shelby.”
She touched the sleeve of my nothing-special T-shirt and cooed, “Wow, Dani, you just look so pretty. Step out for a big date, tonight?”
I felt the heat come up through my ears. Why did she make me so defensive?
“It’s not a date—”
“Where’s your husband, tonight?” Jason interrupted.
A fake laugh accompanied a smile that seemed too slow on the take.
“He’s doing his thing, I’m doing mine,” she drawled, doing her best to lock eyes with him and be sexy.
I wondered who was doing Matty’s thing. Another slow song came on, and I saw her eyes light up.
“Well,” she said slowly, like her mouth got stuck. She sidled up to him, unconcerned with me. “Since it’s not a date, how about my turn?”
A laugh escaped my lips, as I turned to walk back to the table, but Jason still had my hand. He pulled back and I turned, surprised.
“I wasn’t done,” he said, his gaze fixed on me. “Sorry, Shelby, some other time.”
I was speechless. Shelby backed up and walked away without a word. I’m sure she was boiling, but I never saw her face. I was too in awe.
“Wow.”
A mischievous smile tugged at one corner of his lips, and he pulled me tighter than we were before.
“They’re going to talk anyway,” he said in my ear.
I managed to peer sideways enough to see Shelby sit down in a huff at a table of her cohorts. I had a flashback to the high school cafeteria. I cleared my throat.
“She’s not gonna take that gracefully, you know that, right?”
“Do you care?”
“Only if it affects Riley.”
He nodded slightly as if he just remembered that. We were so close, my face was in his neck and he smelled delicious. I avoided the urge to lick him.
I knew all my tension had returned but I didn’t realize it showed, till he jiggled my hand and squeezed me. He lowered his head so that his mouth was against my ear.
“Relax.”
Jesus. Just his lips against my ear nearly had me on the floor. How’s that for relaxed?
“Thank you, by the way,” I said after a bit. He lowered his head again to hear me.
“For what?”
“For that back there with Shelby.” I laughed. “I mean, we’re gonna pay for it, but that was—really nice.”
He tilted his head to look at me, which put our faces so close, I could have twitched and touched him.
“Who said I was being nice?” he said with a smirk. “Maybe I was selfish.”
I let the smile come that wanted to and watched his eyes drop to my lips and hold time still in that moment that could go either way.
The song decided it for us. It came to an end and lights changed, as a more upbeat one replaced it. Our eyes met again, and we both blinked away the intensity as we let go of each other and made our way back to the table. My heart pounded five hundred miles an hour, making me almost light-headed. Lord, I hadn’t experienced all that physical rush stuff in a long time. A long, long time.
We sat and both grabbed our mugs for a quick swallow and something to do. A waitress approached with an apologetic smile.
“I’m afraid they lost your ticket when I checked on your dessert, so they’re fixing you up right now. Sorry for the wait.”
I gave her a wide-eyed look. “No problem.”
Jason set his mug down. “You totally forgot about that, didn’t you?”
We both smiled. It was different then, like we’d crossed a line, but yet not. And things felt very blurry. Till I caught Jason’s expression as he looked past me and frowned. I turned to follow his gaze and that was a mistake. I met with an entire plate of shrimp scampi across the right side of my face, shoulder, and down the front of my shirt.
“Oh!” I was on my feet in seconds and turned to look face-to-face with Matty’s sidekick, Blaine.
“Oh damn, Dani, I’m sorry,” he said, his mouth oozing the words but his droopy eyes darting.
I heard the snickers behind him, and I leaned to my left to give them my full attention. Everything went red in my brain. Lisa Marlow and another woman looked down at their plates, as if hoping I wouldn’t turn them into lizards. I walked around Blaine to Shelby, dimly aware of Jason on my heels, and it was everything in my power not to yank her up by her hair. I flicked a shrimp on her instead.
“Seriously?” I said in a low tone as I attempted to contain the humiliated rage boiling within. “You’re really this childish?”
Shelby held up two hands. “I don’t know why you’re being ugly to me, Dani, but lord, what a mess.” She eyed me up and down slowly. “Maybe one of your little voices had it out for you, huh? Tripped Blaine up?”
I stopped breathing and time stopped with it. I was back in high school. Then another voice intervened, one that wasn’t there back then.
“What’s wrong with you people?” I heard Jason say, from what sounded like a mile away. “Grow the hell up.”
I turned to look up at him, amazed. No one had ever stood up for me before. No one alive. Tears came to my eyes and some of the anger dissipated.
I grabbed some napkins off their table and swiped at my face as I walked away. I met the mortified waitress at the door, pulled a twenty from my pocket to trade for the beer and the dessert she held, and walked blindly back through the hallway, avoiding the giant mirror. I shoved the heavy wooden doors open into the night, and stood on the boardwalk trying to push back the emotion.
Seconds later, Jason was by my side.
“You all right?” he asked.
I took a deep breath and forced a grin I didn’t feel. “Can’t you just see the appeal in coming back here?”
“Why did you come back here?”
“Got laid off from Cairn Design and jobs were scarce. Finally had to suck it up.”
“Cairn Design? You worked for an ad agency and now you’re at a bait store.”
I slung scampi from my hair. “Yep. Thanks for nailing that down.” I left the boardwalk and hit the road at a clip, wishing I’d ordered five more desserts.
“No, Dani, I didn’t mean—” I heard him actually jog to catch up with me. “I’m sorry.”
He circled in front of me so that I had to stop, ironically in the same spot that Alex had done that. I couldn’t help scanning the area.
He put a hand on my arm. “Seriously, I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t—always say things right.”
“Hmm.”
“My people skills aren’t the best, and my communications skills are even worse, so—”
“So you’re a real catch, huh?” I said in an attempt to lighten up the turmoil in my gut.
He blew out a breath. “I guess.”
We stood there awkwardly for a moment, then I gestured toward the road ahead. “Need to get back home.”
“Yes.” With one of my little “voices.” God, I hoped he hadn’t heard that.
“So did I; I’ll walk with you. You don’t need to be out here alone at night.”
It was very déjà vu–ish to walk there with one man and back with another.
“Sorry you had to witness that,” I said after a bit.
“Seems you’re just destined to wear shrimp today.”
“Oh God,” I said on a laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“You handled it gracefully,” he said looking sideways at me. “Better than I would have.”
I felt the familiar stomach twist of the outcast. “Lots of practice.”
“They’re idiots.”
I nodded. “Yes, they are.”
“What was that ‘hearing voices’ comment about?”
My throat clenched and I broke out in a sweat. “You know how kids are,” I said, hearing my voice shake a little. “And Shelby’s still the bitch she was back then.”
We reached the gravel drive, and I could see the glow from the windows.
“I’m good here, Jason. You don’t have to walk me all the way.”
“You might get attacked by a bear, you know. You do smell pretty good.”
I laughed. “Plenty of garlic.”
“You’re safe from vampires.”
“Well, that’s important.”
As we approached the porch, I heard voices and realized that Riley and Grady were there. Oh joy.
“Well, hey, Mom,” Riley said, laden with innuendo.
“Well, hey, Riley,” I shot right back, tilting my head at the sight of Riley draped sideways on the porch swing, her legs across Grady’s lap. “Grady.”
To his credit, he shoved her legs off of him so hard she nearly fell off the swing, and he got up to stick his hand out.
“Mr. Miller.”
Tough choice, going for the boss first or the mom.
“Grady.”
“Did you get my text, boog?” I asked.
Riley got up and perched on the porch rail. “Yeah, but Alex had already told me.”
My whole body failed me. I rooted to the spot and I seriously wanted to throw up right there. Thank God we were lit only by moonlight, because I was pretty sure I glowed red.
“Who’s Alex?” Jason asked.
Grady shrugged. “I didn’t see anybody, I guess I was inside.”
Riley looked so mischievous, thinking she was playing coy between Alex and Jason. She had no idea.
“Friend of my mom’s,” she said with a grin at me. “He came by and saw me out here and said you had gone to Ella’s for pudding.”
I held up the bag. It was all I could do.
Riley sniffed the air. “I don’t smell pudding.” She sniffed again. “I smell shrimp. Again. But in a good way.”
“She had a run-in with a plate of scampi,” Jason said.
Riley looked amused. “You sure know how to live it up, don’t you, Mom?”
“Yeah, I’m a regular party girl.”
She tugged on Grady’s sleeve. “Let’s go down to the dock.”
He followed her like a smitten puppy, and Jason turned back to me.
“Well, I’m here,” I said quickly. “No vampires or bears in sight, so I think I’m safe.”
“So—Alex is your—what?”
Right now? My aneurysm. “My best friend.” Wasn’t a lie. And it was the best I could do considering I never normally acknowledged his existence.
“Mmm.”
“Thank you,” I said quickly before he could analyze and start interrogating. “For tonight. For what you did. And also for the company.”
“Ditto. You made a bad day end good.”
I smiled. “Now, see that was the right thing to say.”
We stood there on the second porch step like awkward teenagers till I broke the barrier and reached out and hugged him. He stiffened; I guess it was different being there alone as opposed to a noisy dance floor.
“Relax,” I whispered, and I felt him loosen up as he chuckled. “We’re on my father’s porch, with my daughter right down there. It doesn’t get any safer.”
His hands came up my back to return the embrace as he laughed lightly. It felt good. He felt good. Really good.
“Have a good night.”
“You, too.”
And then he was on his way down the long gravel drive. I peered over the azalea bushes trying to see Riley in the night glow, before I gave up and trudged into the house.
For the first time in my life, I hoped Alex wasn’t upstairs. I really wanted to do the girly basking thing and think about the odd evening with Jason. Before crustaceans got involved.