Jaymes

“Well, that didn’t go as planned.”

I roll my eyes while sitting at a stoplight. I haven’t even hit the freeway and I’m already regretting what I just did. My phone rings, plucking me out of my head right before I tailspin. “Hello?”

“Hi, beautiful.”

Smiling, I say, “I thought you’d be asleep by now. You wore me out. I was hoping I did the same for you.”

“I’ve never felt better. I feel like I could conquer the world right now.”

“You can. You even have the robes for it.”

“Robe. Singular.”

I run my hand over the plush material draped across my lap again, for like the two hundredth time since I left. “Thank you for giving me the robe.”

“Promise me you’ll wear it and think of me.”

“I don’t have to be wearing a robe to think of you. Tonight . . .” I pause. I want to say was perfect. Amazing. Incredible. I should be telling him that it can’t happen again, but somehow, after saying the words and then going back on them physically, I feel like it would be a bitchy thing to tell him. Instead, I struggle for what I need to say over what I want to say. I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I wish I could live in your dream. “I’m—”

“Sorry. Yes, I know, although I was hoping you wouldn’t go there again. I don’t believe you’re playing games with me, but I do wonder if you went with your feelings instead of your head if you’d arrive at the same outcome.”

“Derrick, please.”

“No, hear me out because I’ve been thinking about this. There is no good reason your head should be denying me either. We come together so easy, so quickly—”

“That’s just sex.” I hate the lie. I hate that I just said that to the man I’ve loved forever. The line goes quiet for several discomforting seconds, so I ask, “Are you still there?”

“Yeah. I’m here.” His silence becomes deafening and I feel sick to my stomach. “Okay, Jaymes. Thanks for coming over.”

“Derrick, wait—”

The call goes quiet and I know he’s hung up. Shoot.

I immediately call him back, although it’s probably best if he chooses not to answer. Just when I think I’m going to be sent to voicemail, he answers, “Don’t do that.”

“What?” I ask.

“Don’t destroy something that was good. Tonight was good. Tonight was fucking great. Let’s not ruin it in the aftermath. Fine, you don’t want to come over again. That I can work with, but you throwing a verbal grenade into our conversations does more than end them. It destroys them.” It destroys me too.

I’m about to apologize because I feel like shit for being mean to him, but also because he’s right. When it comes to him, I’m leaving a destructive path in my trail while trying to find a better life. He won’t understand why, but that’s still not an excuse.

“It doesn’t matter how much you push me away, and yes, I know that’s what you’re doing. I don’t know why, but I see it. I see the conflict in your eyes when you look at me and say words you don’t mean. I let you walk out my door tonight without a fight. That is the only regret I have. If you have regrets, I hope when you look back they don’t damage what we did, what we mean to each other, or what we are when we’re together, because that would be a damn shame.”

“I liked it.” No, I loved it.

“What was that?”

I know he heard me, but repeating myself is the least I owe him. “I liked being with you again. Everything you said is true for me too. I didn’t mean to sound otherwise.” I have to choose my words carefully. If he gets any whiff of bad times, he’ll feel the need to swoop in and save me. I know him well enough to know that. He already offered to help Ace and me, but I can’t accept anything. Not from him. His death could come from the goodness of his heart. Reggie can never find out about him being in my life again and Derrick can’t know what’s really going on.

I have to keep him safe. He’s another person I’m responsible for. “I’m drowning in all the things I have to do, the stuff I have to worry about, the lives that depend on me.” Tonight I put my son and mom at risk, and for what? An emotional and physical attraction that could end us all? “I keep saying this, but I need you to hear me. There is nothing wrong with us. I agree. It’s just so easy to slip into the old us that we almost forgot that there’s a new us. An us that moved on from the other. You’re leaving. I’m staying. We both just keep moving.”

“Let me help you, Jaym—”

“It’s not charity when it comes to you and me. You know that.” His voice is deep, his tone as comforting as his words. And for a brief second I consider the offer—what if he could save us? Just one friend helping another. Maybe we could be more and live that happily ever after all . . .

Despite the hands around my throat, I can hear Ace crying for me in the back room. I don’t think Reggie does. I pray he doesn’t. He will have to kill me before I let him near my son.

At two years old, Ace can sense my distress when Reggie visits. He hides like I taught him to and usually is very quiet until I retrieve him. Reggie swears he will hunt me down like a dog, kill me, and take my son under his wing if I ever betray him. I don’t have to lie when it comes to Derrick. I don’t know anything about him these days. It makes me wonder if I ever did. Some days I wonder if our relationship was simply a part of my imagination and less a part of my memories the more time passes between us.

I fear Reggie. I fear what he represents in my life. Control.

“We used to be friends, Jamie. Real friends. Friends who had fun together. Friends . . . friends . . . I don’t think I have any friends anymore. Rebel fucking loved you. But I wanted you first.”

I don’t know why that popped into my head. Pieces that didn’t make sense then, now do. Reggie liked me. And Derrick knew. So has my life really been controlled by his jealousy all this time? I’ve been thinking it was because Derrick sold Reggie out to the police over that deal. I think I’ve sorely underestimated Reggie’s ego and how far he’ll go for revenge. Over me.

At the end of all the days, he’s still Ace’s father. No matter how many times I cried for it not to be true, that fact is never going to change.

“What do you want me to do, Derrick? Take your money and what?”

“Get the fuck out of that part of the city. Buy a house—”

A house? I scoff. “You’re going to give me enough to buy a house?”

“If you’d take it.”

“I won’t,” I reply too quickly, the response automatic.

“Without thought, you answer. Without even considering the possibility, you respond so quickly.” I’ve been on the freeway for a few minutes and the quiet hum of the road under the tires is the only sound heard until he adds, “I owe you so much. A house is one thank you I can give you.”

“You owe me nothing. Don’t let guilt override your better judgment. You’ve done so well for yourself. Get out on that stage and play your heart out. Music is in your blood and it’s a gift you can share. Share it, Derrick. Then meet a girl who treats you well and have a family. Forget about me. Tonight wasn’t a coming together. It was the goodbye we never got.”

“It was the goodbye I never wanted.”

Despite the verbal punch to the gut, I continue, not letting my pain show, or at least not all of it. It would be impossible to hide. “Circles. We’re still spinning in circles, but I can’t ride this merry-go-round with you. You might not know it, but I’m so happy for you and your success. I smile when I hear your songs on the radio and remember the good times when I see you perform on TV. It’s time for you to let go of the past that’s dragging you down and move into that light that shines brightly just for you.”

“And for you.” No, there is no bright light for me. Not yet.

“No,” I say, “In another life, I’ll live out that dream. In this one, I just need to keep moving. Goodbye.”

“Good night works better for me.”

“Good night? Fine. If that’s what you have to tell yourself to sleep at night. Good night.” I disconnect before he can talk me out of it and before he talks me into coming back to his fancy house. I arrive at my mom’s just before midnight. She’s waiting up for me and hugs me when she sees me. Getting a good look at me, she says, “Why didn’t you stay?”

I close the door behind me and lock it. “Why would I stay?”

“Ace fell asleep at eight. He’s not woken up.” Relief is found that he sleeps so well over here. She walks to the kitchen and starts the coffeepot. “You’re a grown woman, Jamie, but if you want to continue acting like a lovesick teenager, I’ll play along a little longer.” Staring at her, I can tell she knows. She says, “Well, at least you had a good time.”

My eyes go wide. She really does know. “Mom.”

“Don’t Mom me. You look a mess, but you look happy, so I’m happy.” Leaning against the counter, I watch as she gets two mugs from the cabinet and pours in creamer. She knows exactly how I like my coffee, even when we drink decaf at midnight. “How was his house?”

The most incredible place I’ve ever seen. I think about the robe I’m going to be sleeping in later and how even something so basic like a robe can be that luxurious. “I can’t even imagine living in a place like that. Even the wine glasses were crystal.” She smiles and pours the hot liquid into our mugs and stirs, mixing it up. The dark brown turns to a tawny and she hands me mine. I take a sip and goodness fills me. “I can’t fall in love with him.”

“But you want to?”

“I don’t think there’s ever been a choice when it comes to me and him.”

Her happiness really does shine right through her smile and the creases around her eyes that only deepen when she’s happy. “You’re going to be moving in here in a week. Once you’re under this roof, Reggie loses power. I won’t allow him to continue his tyranny over you or Ace.” She comes to me and sets my mug down. Holding my hands, she says, “I will protect you and Ace always, however I can. Together, we can figure out how to stop him.”

Moving to the small rickety table, I drop my head in my heads. “He will never let Ace go, even if he let me and that seems unlikely. I’m stuck. He’s holding all the cards. He doesn’t care about him. He never sees him. He’s just waiting for Ace to hit double digits, so he can step in and play a part in his life. Him not being around now works to my advantage. If I don’t make some money, we’re going to be stuck here forever.”

She sits next to me and rubs my arm. “For now. Only stuck for now.”

Instead of coffee, I opt for bed. Since Ace sleeps in my old room, I pull out the foldout couch and make it up with my mom. She tucks me in and kisses my head. “Things will get better. I promise you.” I hope so. I hate the despair I live with daily.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The lights are out, the curtains closed. I lie on the couch wide awake. Thinking about everything from the night I was raped to tonight. I hate that I can even have those thoughts in the same night. For every harsh and violent thing Reggie did to me, Derrick covered me in love and kisses, soothing the damage that was left behind.

One day I’ll only have a highlights reel of memories to remind me of my life, and like he is now to the rest of the world, he’ll always be one of the stars in mine.