CHAPTER 28
Cecily knew she had to make a decision. Fast. In the real world, Allison had e-mailed a follow-up, saying she was welcome any time. In the world of the Hudson Kings, Cecily had dined alone on overcooked ramen noodles and a seltzer because almost the entire team was out on a mission they’d been planning for weeks. Dex was in the compound somewhere, but he’d made it clear that he was not to be disturbed unless Cecily was actually on fire.
Her section of the Armory was ghostly silent for hours and hours, plenty of time to realize that Rothgar’s request was beyond reasonable. These guys had a purpose here, a life, and a family. She’d felt part of this world when she was with Shane, but now she just felt out of place and awkward. A distraction, and not even anybody’s welcome one.
This unpleasant sensation was amplified a thousandfold when Cecily stepped out into the hall with her hair in a ponytail sprouting from the top of her head, wearing Missy’s stupid reject jammies and holding an empty mug destined for the hot cocoa machine.
Because . . . Shane.
Oh, how fitting, Cecily thought miserably. How goddamn fitting that it was finally going to play out in person . . . with monkey pajamas and bad hair.
As she stood frozen in place, Shane walked forward, his eyes on the ground, the click of his dress shoes accompanied by the cheerful clinking of car keys held loosely in one hand.
Black suit. White shirt. Tie untied. Hot pink smeared along that jawline, in the undone collar of his starch-heavy dress shirt. An uncharacteristic misstep as he saw her, his shoulder brushing the wall, the slight tang of bourbon in the air.
She flushed as he saw her and stopped short, his muddy reflexes processing her appearance. One, two, three. Confusion. Amusement. I’m so glad I can still make you laugh, thought Cecily grimly.
“You settle on a class?” Shane asked awkwardly. Not How’s it going? How are you doing? Or, perhaps, a wild card: I love you madly, and I’m an idiot. Probably because he knew her answer would involve her heaving a large ceramic mug at his head.
Cecily stared into her empty mug and then looked straight at him. “Yeah. Picked one.”
His head jolted up. “Any type of contact from James?”
“Nope. I think your message got through.” Her voice sounded robotic in her own ears.
“That’s great,” he said absently, nodding, losing eye contact. “Yeah, you should go do that. You should get on with your life.”
Cecily looked at him sharply, her eye returning again to the pink smears. “What is this shit? This is the first time I see you, the first time we really talk after you act like I’m your woman and we have sex, and this is how you think it should go?” She was either going to cry again or get pissed. She figured she’d done enough crying. “Why didn’t you just go back to your room, avoid this hall, avoid Missy’s room? Did you want me to see you like this?”
Shane blinked. “This is my reality.”
“That doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Your reality is whatever you want it to be. That’s what I learned from you and the rest of the Hudson Kings. And I think it’s a fantastic way to live,” Cecily said. She longed to say more, ask him for more, like Do you really want me to leave? Am I just a distraction? A disruption? Is it true that I’m not what you really want after all? Was it all just a lie? Do you honestly still believe we don’t make sense in each other’s worlds?
He didn’t offer a thing. Just stood there.
“I got your message, remember? You broke up with me. So what are you doing here?” Cecily asked. Her heart was absolutely pounding. Her head starting to spin. She thought she really had a grip on all of this, but her heart felt like it was absolutely shattering. Why on earth had she waited to see him, just to make sure the break was complete?
“Want to make sure you’re okay.”
She cocked her head and stared at him. “Do you mean James? Already told you he hasn’t tried anything. Or do you mean given that you dumped me? Do you have any new thoughts on that?”
Shane looked brilliantly blank, and then he said in a resolute voice, “No new thoughts.”
The pain in Cecily’s heart was just excruciating. “The impression I’m getting is that you want me to tell you to go to hell so you can feel better about what you did.” Oh, god, this was a really stupid idea. Coming back to the Armory. Waiting for Shane to come back. She’d told Missy she wanted to see him, and now that she saw him, she knew she never wanted to lay eyes on him again. I’ve got to get the hell out of here. This isn’t my place.
“Not gonna feel better. Just wanted to—”
In a voice she made sure sounded frozen solid, Cecily said, “Wait. I don’t actually give a shit about what you want anymore.” Before the tears came, she just turned on her heels and lifted her empty mug, saying without even turning around, “Good night, Shane. Glad you got home safe.”
She couldn’t tell if he watched her walk all the way back down the hall, but she figured he had, and it was all she could do not to haul flannel-clad ass.
Cecily got back to her room, her taste for hot chocolate gone, wanting nothing more than the oblivion of sleep.
Missy was glued to a computer game, totally absorbed in another world as Cecily grabbed her suitcase and started packing up her meager possessions.
After a moment, Missy’s fingers went wild on the keyboard and then braked suddenly before she swept off the headphones and yelled, “Boss kill!”
She saw Cecily closing the locks on her suitcase, and her face fell. “Oh. You’re going.” She caught Cecily’s gaze. “Gonna miss hanging out with another girl. You sure you don’t want to stay?”
Cecily nodded. “Yeah. Thank you so much for everything, Missy. It’s been great bunking with you, and I totally appreciate it, but Ally’s apartment is really nice. Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”
Missy’s answer was exactly what Cecily expected: “This is family.” The girl looked at her hopefully and added, “It could be your family too. You could join, stay.”
Before Cecily’d been confused by the intense loyalty the team members dedicated to the Armory; now she just felt wistful.
Cecily was surprised at how incredibly lovely that idea sounded. An idea that she once couldn’t imagine at all, before her definition of what “real life” could be had blown wide-open.
But she couldn’t be at the Armory without being with Shane, and he’d confirmed “they” were not going to happen.
Cecily shook her head, managing a small smile. Then she got into bed and stared up at the ceiling, praying she’d fall asleep fast.
Missy got herself ready for bed and then turned off the lights. In the dark, from her own bed, she asked, “You know you can’t tell Ally any details about the mission we’re working on. She left. She’s not inside anymore. We trust her to a certain extent, but she can’t know about James’s role as a handler for the sleeper agents we’ve been working on. You’re clear on that. Right?”
“I’m clear on that,” Cecily said. “Believe me when I tell you that I’m going out there for the normal. The mission stays here when I go.”
“Good.” After a pause, Missy asked, “You tell Shane you’re going?”
“Why would I tell Shane?”
Cecily knew Missy wouldn’t answer, and the girl didn’t.
Cecily pulled out her phone and set the alarm. Then she sent an e-mail replying to Allison’s follow-up from earlier in the day: Tomorrow’s perfect. Will bring deposit.
And then, after holding it together, she very quietly broke.