CHAPTER 30
Shane didn’t sleep much that night. A hundred times he thought about knocking on the door—fuck the time. A hundred times he told himself to let her sleep.
She’d asked him why he had to come see her if he had nothing new to say. All he knew at the time was that he had to know she was okay.
He finally went under himself, Rothgar’s words ringing in his ears.
By the time he woke up, got himself straightened out, and knocked on Missy’s door—he had headed for Missy’s office, figuring he’d rather try there than Dex’s—it was 10:00 a.m. and the room was silent.
Missy was up as usual, pounding a set of plans into her computer. Shane poked his head through the doorway. “You know where Cecily is?”
Missy waved him in but kept typing.
Shane strode in, impatient and refusing to sit down.
Missy pressed “Print” and pushed back. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Come again?”
“Why are you messing this up?”
“Why are you getting personal?” he shot back.
“Because you obviously need someone to tell you when you are fucking up.”
“Have you even turned eighteen yet, Missy?”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. Whatever. She’s already gone, Shane. Went to go do normal. Left this morning. It’s not like she had a lot of stuff to move.”
Shane’s breath hitched.
“What’s the matter, big guy?” Missy asked. “Are you feeling something?”
“Is Dex on it?”
“On what?”
“Does Dex have surveillance on her?”
Missy raised an eyebrow. “If he thinks she needs it, I’m sure she’ll get it.”
“Tell him she needs it right away, not after something happens.”
“I’ll be sure to pass him a note in science class.” Missy looked up and saw from Shane’s face that he was not in the mood for snark. She sighed. “Sorry. But you and Dex need to patch things up.”
“We’re on our way,” Shane said.
“I guess it takes a little time after you fuck somebody’s sister and then give her the cold shoulder,” Missy said evenly, peering into the empty barrel of her stapler. “Maybe that’s bothering him a little.”
“Fuck, Missy. Maybe it’s bothering you a little.”
That got her full attention. She went silent for a moment and then said, “She was in love with you. I think you’re in love with her. I wish I had that. I don’t understand how it went wrong. I don’t understand why you think that’s okay.” The tips of Missy’s ears were red. Shane couldn’t ever remember Missy getting embarrassed about anything. “I’m sorry if I’ve been a dick about it, though. Really.”
Shane nodded. He thought about defending himself. He thought about explaining how he thought for a second he could do normal things like take his girl to dinner and live that kind of life. How tailing Anya that day and having his car messed up without his having a clue broke something in him. Well, showed him that he was already broken, probably forever. How he’d realized that by loving Cecily she would always have a relationship with danger, and he couldn’t always be there to protect her. How Rothgar had essentially given him his blessing last night. He didn’t need it, but, damn, it was nice to have. How he tossed and turned all night thinking how he was going to explain to Cecily why he was all stop-and-go with her and how he only wanted to be “go” from here on out. How he couldn’t wait this morning for her to open the door to her room so he could explain himself.
And then he remembered how it always came back around to this: I just don’t see how it ever ends without us standing in an alley staring at each other like we just can’t understand what the hell the other person was thinking.
“She was right to go. She can do better,” Shane finally said.
Missy’s hands froze on her keyboard. “What the hell kind of better do you think we want?” she asked.
“What?”
“If you have to ask, never mind. Now, can you get out of my office so I can finish ordering the twenty thousand pounds of beef you boys go through in a week? I’m not your fucking therapist. Go find Dex. Sort it out.”
“She with Ally?”
Missy’s jaw tightened. “Of course.”
“You and Ally need to patch things up.”
“It’s too late, Shane. Really. I don’t think we have anything new to say to each other that’s going to make a difference,” Missy said. “Better to let it all stay in the past.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Shane closed the door and stood in the hall for a moment. It was so silent he could hear the second hand ticking on his watch. Another planning session with Roth, a couple of jobs for the team, Anya would be in the can, and then he’d hit the road until Roth needed him again. Maybe he could leave sooner. Because Missy had the right idea. He wanted Cecily when he wanted her, when his body was going crazy for her and his mind wanted to pretend they could have some sort of future, but then he wanted her to let him go. For her own sake.
She deserved better than that kind of emotional whiplash, especially with James on her rap sheet. Shane would make her fall in love with him knowing he’d eventually just break her heart, never come back.
But out of sight wasn’t out of mind.
He headed up to the dining hall. It was after hours, deserted, but the refrigerator was packed with leftovers. He brought the food back to his room and ate off the tray, alone.