“Get out of my way, Cooper.”

Damn him. Damn Jordan.

Push, push, fucking push. He was always pushing. Didn’t he ever realize I didn’t need it? I was dealing with everything the best way I knew how.

Or maybe I wasn’t, but who in the hell knew anymore.

I didn’t even have the time to think about it. Cooper stood in front of me, arms flung wide out to his sides, right in front of my ATV.

“Let me drive. Take you anywhere you want to go, but I’m not letting you go alone and not on this when you can barely see.”

Obviously I was crying. That couldn’t be hidden and my concealer was most likely dripping down my cheeks. Stupid cheap, drug store makeup never stayed when or where I needed it to.

I revved the engine to make him move out of my way, but he leaned forward, wrapping his hand around the grill.

“Get out of my way!” I shouted over the noise.

Cooper shook his head, his black hair blowing in the air. “Let me on and I’ll take you where you want to go, or I’m going to get the other and follow you.”

I could hide from him. I knew this land like the back of my hand and with a head start, I had no doubt I could outrun him and get to one of my favorite hiding places.

I also believed he’d follow me.

Storm clouds were rolling in and rain was coming. It was dangerous for us both to be out and alone. A Kansas rainstorm could turn into a tornado with little warning.

I laid off the pedal so I didn’t have to shout over the engine and jerked my head toward the barn. “Go. I’ll wait.”

He gave me a look.

I did nothing.

Then he took off running, and I looked back to the house.

Jordan was there, on the back patio, arms crossed over his chest—smiling.

Before I could process what that meant, Cooper’s ATV started and he came out of the barn.

I took off. I might not have taken off on him when he wasn’t looking, but if he wanted to chase me, I had adrenaline and anger to burn.

This wasn’t a casual ride through the pastures to check on cattle. This was me, trying to outrun everything.

I flew through the trails, the knot in my hair coming undone at some point and my hair whipped around my face and my shoulders, but I didn’t bother to fix it or slow down.

There was only one place I wanted to be, only one place where I could get far enough away from the house, away from Jordan, away from the truth he callously flung in my face. He wasn’t trying to be a dick.

He was just blunt, and pussyfooting around was never his style, and in turn, whenever he tried, it only pissed me off further because it meant he was coddling me.

I didn’t need that either. I didn’t need someone treating me like I was some precious, wilting flower they had to hold so gently or I’d be crushed.

Jordan never did that. But it didn’t mean the truth didn’t hurt, so I raced away from it, well aware of the hum of Cooper’s ATV right on my heels.

I drove until my tears were dried and my anger subsided. We rode for what felt like forever, kicking up dirt and mud, and until the clouds had taken over the sky.

I drove until I reached the creek before I pulled to a stop.

Cooper pulled up right next to me, a smile on his face so wide I thought his face might split in two. “Know you’re pissed and out here running, but holy shit that was fun.”

Despite my churning emotions, I still smiled. “Sometimes it’s necessary.”

I climbed off the ATV and went to a large flat rock, sat down and pulled my knees to my chest.

“Your brother’s an asshole,” Cooper said, taking a seat close to me. There was plenty of room next to me. We wouldn’t even touch. “What he said was unnecessary.”

“What he said was the truth.”

My gaze stayed on the water, trickling slowly over rocks and through the weeds, creating patterns that could mesmerize me for hours. A breeze rustled hay on the other side, something we needed to get baling in the next week or two.

I’d seen the cattle huddling together on our way out. A storm was coming and it wouldn’t be pretty based on the way they were taking shelter amongst themselves. It was hot, not overly so, but the thickness in the air from humidity still weighed on my skin.

Yeah. Today was going to suck.

Today already sucked.

I dropped my knees and crossed my legs, leaning forward so I could pick the weeds in front of the rocks.

“I had fun last night, you know?” I didn’t look at Cooper to see if he was watching me, but I felt him looking at me. “Some days I wake up, and I promise myself I’ll do better. I can handle everything. I look at my pictures of Joseph, and all I want to do is make him so damn proud of me. Then I miss him so much. And then I’m so damn angry at him.” I inhaled deep, forcing down my tears. I’d cried enough. “Yesterday though, last night, that was fun.”

“It was fun.” His tone had deepened, a bit rougher. I focused on the grass, on my fingers sliding through the weeds, pulling them apart, the silkiness of the thick grass.

He sounded like he did right before I went to kiss him.

God, if only that thought would evaporate. Instead of moving on, I kept gathering problems.

“Having fun doesn’t mean you’re forgetting him either, though, you know? You’re allowed to laugh and let life in a little bit even if it’s different than what you wanted.”

“I know that.” My tone was snappier than I intended. I didn’t apologize.

He surprised me by not calling me out on it. “I loved Camilla. Swear to God, Rebecca. I fell for her the day I met her and if I could have had only her every day for the rest of my life, I’d have taken it and walked away from everything else. It’s different, I know that, but in the last several months, especially the last few weeks since she started fighting the divorce settlement, my eyes have been opened to seeing a whole bunch of shit I missed and that stings. I’m not going to sit here and lie and say the crap she’s pulling now is even worse. I still miss her though. Miss the way she used to hug me or laugh with me. I miss being with her. Or someone. Sometimes it gets cloudy and I don’t know if it’s her I’m missing, or if it’s having someone next to me I liked so damn much.”

I knew exactly what I was missing.

I also understood him more than he, or anyone else, knew.

“I’m not saying perspective will change with you, though. I’m not saying it should. I’m just letting you know, in a way, I get how hard it is to pick yourself up, move on, and keep moving even when it sucks. I think you’re doing an incredible job, I also think you haven’t had the time or the space to deal. You get up every day, surrounded by your life with him, surrounded by your dreams, and you sleep in the bed you shared with him. That’s got to make everything a thousand times harder.”

“Are you saying I should leave?” I turned, unable to hide the sharp tone. What the hell?

“No.” He was facing the water, the hay, my land. “I’m not saying that. But I will be honest and say I don’t think you hiding out here, never taking a moment for you is helping either. You had fun last night and today you’re making it seem like a crime, like you have something to be ashamed of. There’s no harm in healing or in learning to live with the memory of him and still make it a good life, even if it’s not your dream life.”

My anger bubbled, fizzled and popped in my veins. I ripped the weeds in my hands and jumped to my feet.

A raindrop fell on my nose and I wiped it away. “We should get back to the house. Storm’s coming.”

His boots scraped on the rock as he stood, but I was already headed back to the ATVs.

“I wasn’t trying to upset you, Rebecca.”

“I know.” He wasn’t. What he was reminding me of was moving in to kiss him. The heat that hit my hand when I wrapped it around his arm, an arm much larger than my hand could ever fully grip. And I didn’t like remembering it.

“Then why are you stomping away from me?”

I spun around, thinking he’d be farther away, but he wasn’t. He was right there. Like last night. When he smelled so good and smiled that sexy smile. When he laughed freely and made me laugh. I glared at his chest as if it was its fault I couldn’t stop thinking about him. “Rain’s coming. It could turn into a storm and we don’t want to be caught in it.”

“Rainstorms shouldn’t make you blush, Rebecca. Last night—”

I held up my hand. “I don’t want to talk about last night anymore.”

“There was nothing wrong with that either, you know.”

“I was drunk.”

“You wanted something for yourself and there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“Cooper—” I stopped talking when he touched me.

He took my hand in his and held it firmly.

“You weren’t ready last night, and I should have moved away. I don’t think you’re ready at all, and I’m not saying when you are ready I’m the man you should come to. Don’t misunderstand me, Rebecca, I’m not standing here trying to get you to act on an impulse or anything. But last night you wanted something for yourself and I just want you to know, before you twist it in your head into something ugly or wrong, there’s no need to feel guilty for wanting someone. He’s gone, he’s not coming back, and I’m sorry about that for you, but there’s no betrayal in moving on, or finding something — or someone — good for you again. I just think you need to hear that.”

He dropped my hand and walked around me, sliding onto his ATV.

I stood still, processing everything he said at the same time trying to forget them. He was right and he was wrong.

The problem was, I didn’t feel guilt for wanting to kiss him. The guilt came from wanting to do it again.

---

Thunder rattled my windows. The storm moved in and we were now under a Severe Thunderstorm Warning. Our entire county was covered in red on the map on the television screen. A thunderstorm was about the only time I had to watch television, so that’s what I was doing.

When we returned to the barn, Cooper made quick work of putting his ATV away, hanging up his key and leaving the barn telling me he was headed to his place.

I moved to the horses and took Gray out for exercise until the occasional raindrops fell more frequently.

Darn Kansas weather. Rain hadn’t even been in the forecast earlier in the week, but we needed it, so I wasn’t complaining. The river banks along the backstretch of our main two hundred acres were running incredibly low for this time of year.

I spent the day working inside, going over statements and inputting records from the calves, and the heifers who would be giving birth in the fall. I had to keep track of every animal, and the health of all of them, in order to ensure the proper ones went to market so I could get the most money for each head.

Then I spent time cleaning, a task I avoided as much as possible. Unfortunately, my black shelving and TV stand looked gray from the dust and I couldn’t put it off any longer.

And all day, through all of it, Cooper’s words rattled in my brain so often that more than once I looked over my shoulder to see if he snuck up on me.

Nothing wrong with taking time for you.

It’s not a crime to heal.

All of it pounded against my skull like the thunder making the windows shake.

I took a sip of my wine and tried to focus on the current medical drama on the television.

Cooper had invaded my head. He was taking up residence in parts of my mind I’d reserved only for Joseph.

It made my skin itch, like a bug bite that got worse every time you scratched it.

That was Cooper…a new mosquito bite just starting to itch.

The medical drama ended, the show changed, and all of a sudden, a photo of Cooper was on my screen.

Freaking hell. I couldn’t escape him.

I reached to click off the television but the voice over on the program stopped me. “Camilla Rinaldi will be on next, giving us an exclusive peek into her life with the three-time Emmy Award Winner, discussing where she went wrong, and how she’s desperate to fix it so her husband will come home to her.”

Husband. The word slammed into my chest.

Cooper Hawke was still a married man, and I’d moved to kiss him.

“How did I become this person?” I took another sip of my drink and pushed off the couch.

More wine was necessary if I was going to torture myself by watching the insanely beautiful model dish about how much she loved the man living in my backyard.

A thud hit my back door and my steps moved quicker, my socks sliding over the tiled floor but by the time I reached my kitchen, Cooper was standing on the entry rug, the door slamming behind him.

I slid to a stop right as he shook his head like my old Blue Heeler Shepherd Mix.

“You look like a drowned rat.” I grabbed a towel flung over one of my cupboard door handles and tossed it to him.

“Thanks.” He scrubbed his face and pushed it through his hair. “It’s pouring out there.”

“Welcome to Kansas.” Turning, I refilled my glass and set it down.

My heart was beating strangely. I’d probably had too much to drink.

“Did you need something?” My knuckles ached and I looked down. I was grabbing the countertop. Why was I acting so weird? I shook out my hands as I registered a thunk followed by another.

“Yeah, electricity. Mine’s out and I couldn’t find flashlights or candles.”

“You lost electricity?” I spun and looked out the kitchen window over the sink. Outside was pitch black where I usually saw a glow from his lights. Not that I ever looked or checked on him. “How strange. That never happens.”

“It did.” His voice was muffled and I saw him bent over, refrigerator door opened. He pulled back, popped the top off a beer, and shut the door. The beer top flicked into the air, hitting his target of the garbage can and he took a large swallow.

His throat bobbed. His hair was wet. He’d taken off his jacket but the shirt under it was still wet, along with the cargo shorts he was wearing.

He was dripping water all over my kitchen floor.

“So you decided to come here and make my house wet?”

“No.” He scowled. “I came here to make sure you were okay. And to have a beer.”

He grinned. That stupid grin that reached his eyes and made them sparkle.

“I’ll go get you some dry clothes. Don’t move.”

I twisted and moved to leave the kitchen, stopping myself from thinking about what I was doing. “No offense, Becca, but I don’t think your clothes will fit me.”

He’d meant it as a joke.

Becca. One word a dagger to my heart and I pressed a hand to my chest.

I’d always been Rebecca. Always. My mother never allowed a nickname and had no problems correcting anyone, especially me when I insisted on being Becky. But Joseph, he got away with it. Only because he started saying it when he was growling it in my ear when we were making love. It’d be torn from his throat while he reached his peak, like it was too painful to say my entire name.

And it’d been beautiful. So beautiful just the mere whisper of Becca in my ear, regardless of whether we were in the fields, the kitchen…church…it didn’t matter. He whispered that word and my body went from focused on the task at hand to ready to jump in a millisecond.

Damn it.

I double-timed it to my bedroom and to my dresser.

I yanked opened the bottom drawer and fell on my ass. I hadn’t opened these drawers in months.

Joseph’s clothes. All of them. Neatly folded. Plaid pajama pants and sweatpants. Plain white T-shirts would be in the drawer above that. Socks one more drawer up. His belts were in the narrow drawer above that. Everything, exactly how it’d been.

“Shit,” I muttered. “What the hell am I doing?”

My knees hit my chest. My hands went to my head and I pressed my palms to the sides, my fingernails digging into my scalp.

“Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.”

I grabbed what I needed. I couldn’t think about this. How Cooper was right. Joseph was everywhere so much so that if I went to the bathroom, his freaking toothbrush would still be in the holder next to mine.

I hadn’t even had the courage to throw out a toothbrush and now I was gripping a pair of Joseph’s pajama pants and T-shirt in my hand, taking them to another man.

I shoved that thought into the corner and sped downstairs. It shouldn’t take me as long as it did to get him clothes. When I reached the living room, I doubted he realized I’d been gone so long.

Camilla was on the television screen, wiping tears from her eyes with a tissue.

Cooper was staring at her, his back to me, but every visible muscle in his body was tightened and popping out. One of his hands gripped the back of the couch, and the other clung to his phone.

“He gave me life, he was always there for me, supporting me, cheering me on, and I never appreciated it. I should have. And I’m taking full blame for the problems we’re having.”

If someone could sniff elegantly, Camilla pulled it off.

I was as frozen as Cooper, watching this beautiful—beyond beautiful—Brazilian woman, gush about how incredibly wonderful her husband was.