Chapter Twenty-One
I’d been home maybe an hour when Sailo came over. I was thrilled to see him—he was one of the brightest spots in my life right now, and I wasn’t about to turn him away—but my enthusiasm was tempered by this afternoon’s revelation. Even as we went out for a light dinner, and slowly strolled back to my place, and kicked back in the living room, it was always there. Like a quiet but annoying third wheel, it was there, tugging at me and pressing down on me.
I faked it as best I could, though. When I went into the kitchen to get us a couple of beers, I paused for a moment to take a few deep breaths, then cracked open the bottles and rejoined him on the couch.
“By the way, I forgot to mention—I’ll be tied up most of the weekend,” he said as I handed him one of the beers. “I’m doing back-to-back weddings on Friday and Saturday.” He made a face. “At least I know the photographer on Saturday. We’ll probably go out drinking afterward and commiserate.”
“Commiserate?” I forced a laugh even though I didn’t feel it. “That bad?
“Weddings? God, yeah. They can be fun sometimes, but man, when they’re not?” He grimaced. “They’re definitely not.”
“I can imagine.”
He looked at me, head tilted slightly. “Hey.” He squeezed my arm. “You okay tonight? You’ve been kinda…elsewhere.”
“Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that. Just…” I met his gaze and waved a hand. “No, let’s not. I’ve been bitching about all the craziness in my life and—”
“Because you’ve got a lot of craziness in your life.” He took my hand. “What’s going on?”
I shook my head. “It’s nothing. I’d rather not think about it, to be honest.”
“But you obviously are thinking about it.”
My shoulders sagged under the weight of all this bullshit. As much as I didn’t want to darken every moment we had together with talk of my divorce, this was going to eat me alive. So, I took a deep breath. “I was over at my ex’s today. Getting some things I’d left behind. We did a little bit of talking, and long story short, I realized she was cheating on me.”
Sailo exhaled. “Shit. That’s rough. I’m sorry to hear it.”
“Yeah.” I rubbed a hand over my face. “Fuck. Talk about a kick in the balls.”
He touched my arm but didn’t say anything.
“I don’t know why I’m worried about it. I mean, our marriage is over. We’re done. Nothing is going to change that, so why the fuck do I care if…” I exhaled, running my fingers through my hair. “What difference does it make, you know?”
Sailo shrugged. “It doesn’t have to change anything to hurt.”
Wasn’t that the truth? Nothing had changed, but damn it, definitely hurt. This was below the belt and beneath the skin, even if it didn’t make a bit of difference to anything.
He squeezed my hand. “You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah. I…” I pressed my fingers into the bridge of my nose. “I just wish I could stop thinking about it.”
“I’ll bet. Is there anything I can do? To help you feel better now?”
I lowered my hand. “Honestly?”
Sailo nodded.
“Right now…” I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “Right now I just want to go in the bedroom and fuck until I can’t see straight.”
“Then what are we waiting for?”
I blinked. “What?”
He got up and took my hand. “You heard me.”
Despite my disbelief, I rose, and I followed him. He led me halfway down the hall, and about that point, reality set in. That we were about to fuck each other senseless and get all this stress out of my system.
And I couldn’t wait.
I grabbed him, shoved him up against the wall, and kissed him. Sailo didn’t miss a beat. He held the front of my shirt, kissing me just as hard as I kissed him. I ground my hips against his, but he managed to slide a hand between us, and when he squeezed my cock, I broke the kiss with a gasp.
Immediately, he descended on my neck, kissing my skin so frantically, I was surprised he didn’t bite me.
“Bed,” he growled. “Before I fuck you right here against the wall.”
I wasn’t sure why that would be an issue, aside from my shaking knees, but somehow found the presence of mind to push myself off him and haul him toward my bedroom. Shoes came off, and my shirt disappeared, and then I dragged him down onto the bed by the front of his shirt, and he kissed me just as hard and deep as I needed him to.
Was this the right thing to do tonight? When I was still reeling from—
His teeth dug into my shoulder, driving a cry from my lips and jolting my focus right back to him. Oh, it was gonna be like that? Fine. I raked my short nails up his back through his shirt, and he groaned, throwing his head back. And a second later, he pulled his shirt off, tossed it on the bed, and came down to kiss me again, and I couldn’t resist—I traced those same lines with fingernails. He swore against my neck.
“Like that?” I asked.
“I love everything you do.” He kissed me hard, deep, pushing the kiss just to the edge of painful, and I did the only thing a man could do in that moment—wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back.
We didn’t just take clothes off—we tore them off. A button came off something, and a seam ripped, and…whatever. I wanted his skin against mine. I wanted his tattoos beneath my fingers, the rough velvet edges seeming to spell out his name to my hungry nerve endings.
Sailo must’ve sensed every time my mind tried to drift to why we were here, why I needed this in the first place, because he always knew exactly when to dig his nails in, or sink his teeth into my shoulder, or stroke me just right to erase every conscious thought I had left.
After a while, he pushed himself up on his arms and met my gaze. “I think I know what you need tonight.”
You. What I need is you.
“Yeah?” I swept my tongue across my lips. “What’s that?”
He reached for the nightstand. Oh yes. Yes please. Fuck me until I can’t—
He tossed the condom to me. “Put it on.”
“Put—” I stared at the foil square in my hand, then at him. “What?”
Sailo stroked me lightly, just enough to make my breath catch. “I want you to fuck me. Good and hard.”
My mouth watered. “You’re serious? But you’re a top.”
“Mmhmm. But I told you that first night I wanted to see your face the first time you were on top. And I’m guessing tonight, you need to fuck more than you need to get fucked.” His eyebrows rose. Am I right?
I hadn’t thought of it like that, but he definitely wasn’t wrong. I’d have been perfectly happy with him fucking me—God, I loved when he fucked me—but now that he’d brought it up, I sure as hell wasn’t going to say no to being on top, even if it was just this once.
I tore the wrapper with my teeth. Good thing I’d practiced a little with my toy at home—at least I didn’t make a complete idiot of myself as I rolled on the condom. “Hands and knees?”
“Oh hell no.” He sat up and, in the same moment he kissed me, teased my balls with his fingertips.
“Fuck!” I gasped, throwing my head back as a shudder jolted through me.
Sailo laughed. He wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed my neck, still teasing my balls as he did. “To answer your question, I’m going to get on my back.” He flicked his tongue across my skin. “So I can watch you.”
I bit my lip, holding on to his shoulders for balance. “Then you’d…better get on your back so I can start. Or you’re going to finish me off just like this.”
Abruptly, he stopped. “Well, in that case…” Sailo put a pillow behind his ass, and lay back on the other pillows. Sobering a little, he met my gaze. “Start slow.” He spread his legs wide. “It’s been a while.”
“Okay.” I poured some lube on my fingers. Then, slowly, I ran my hand down his inner thigh, the bands of his tattoo acting almost like guidelines, directing me up as if I didn’t already know what to do. “This—well, you already know. It’ll be cool.”
He laughed, nodding. “Yeah. I know.”
I pressed my finger against him. He didn’t jump. Didn’t flinch. I carefully slipped my finger into his tight hole, and when he’d relaxed a little, added a second. Once he was easily taking my fingers, I withdrew them and poured plenty of lube on my dick.
And then I positioned myself between his legs. Heart pounding with both nerves and excitement, I met his eyes. “Ready?”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah.”
I guided my cock to him. Pressing the head to him, I met resistance, and reminded myself that had happened when I’d used a toy the first time and when Sailo had topped me the first time. Just as he had, I paused there, letting the pressure remain but not trying to force anything.
Sailo took and released a long breath.
“You okay?” I asked.
He nodded and, with a grin, met my gaze. “Just been a long time.”
“We don’t have to—”
“I’m good.” He hooked a leg around mine, drawing me forward. “C’mon. I want you to—”
We both gasped as he took the head of my cock. My vision blurred for a second. The condom was probably a blessing—I hadn’t worn one in eons, but it dulled the senses just enough to keep me from going off too soon. As turned on as I was, watching my cock slowly slide deeper inside Sailo, that was a very real possibility.
Stroke by stroke, little by little, I worked myself into him. Every so often, my head would start spinning, and I’d remind myself that I still had to breathe during sex, and after a few gasps my vision would clear, and I’d still be there. Still kneeling on my bed, fucking the most gorgeous man I’d ever seen, running my hands along his tattooed thighs and staring down at him as he arched his back and bit his lip.
Swallowing, I met his heavy-lidded eyes.
He grinned. “I knew…this would be hot. Watching you.”
I exhaled, rocking a little harder. “But does it feel good?”
“It…” He closed his eyes and squirmed. “God, yeah…”
I dug my teeth into my lip, my own eyes watering as I watched myself sliding in and out of him. “T-tell me what you want. Harder? Or—”
“Yes.” He moaned. “Please.”
Oh yes. I rocked my hips faster, and then even faster, until the bed frame was protesting and Sailo was murmuring pleas for more. My hips and thighs burned, and my dick felt amazing, and Sailo was clawing at the sheets beside him, so I fucked him as hard as I could.
He murmured something I didn’t understand. Not that the words mattered. What mattered was how turned on he sounded, and how beautiful he was like this. He was jerking himself off as I rode him now, and Jesus, the sight of him—tan skin gleaming with sweat, muscles standing out beneath his tattoo sleeve, abs quivering beneath the V of his larger tattoo. And I was fucking him. Riding him. Driving myself into him as he gasped and arched.
“This is amazing,” I said, my voice hoarse and shaky. “You’re…fucking…”
“D-don’t stop,” he pleaded. Oh, I wasn’t stopping. Not a chance. Not when every thrust drove me closer to an intense climax that promised to be utterly spectacular. And even better, a climax inside him. No wonder I’d had to wait my whole life for this—at this rate, it was liable to kill me.
“Ohh…” Sailo moaned. He clenched around me. His eyes flew open. “Shit.”
And then semen shot across his stomach, landing on bare and inked skin alike, and just like that, I was coming too, forcing myself as deep as he could take me and crying out things I didn’t even understand as I fucking exploded inside him.
I slumped forward onto my arms. My elbows threatened to collapse out from under me, and I struggled to stay up, but then Sailo drew me down to him. I had just enough presence of mind to pull out, and then I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest.
And just breathed.
* * * * *
We lay in bed for the longest time, letting the dust settle. I’d gotten up long enough to toss the condom and wash my hands, and then we’d both collapsed.
The physical release had helped. Lying here with Sailo in my arms probably did more than anything, though. My body felt incredible. Emotionally, though, there was something to be said for half dozing in the arms of someone who could still smile when he looked at me. Someone who still wanted me enough to come that hard.
Sailo fidgeted a little and winced.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He rubbed his thigh gingerly. “Was starting to get a cramp earlier, and now it’s coming back to bite me.”
I grimaced. “Ouch. Did I do something wrong, or—”
“Not at all.” He kneaded the muscle but met my gaze with an adorable smile. “Just the position. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’ll remember that for next time.” I paused. “Um, I mean, if you want a next time…”
He shrugged. “I could be persuaded.”
“Really?”
“Mmhmm.”
“So you’re a top, but you like bottoming?”
“I prefer being on top.” He turned on his side and faced me. “But if I’m with a guy who wants to be on top sometimes, I’ll bottom. And yeah, when I do, I enjoy it. It’s just not usually my thing.” He paused. “You seem to like it, though? Being on the bottom?”
“I like it both ways. Bottoming is definitely new, and I really enjoy it.”
“Good.” He grinned. “We can switch now and then if you want to. Just say so.”
“I’ll remember that.” I touched his face. “I think it’s what I needed tonight. One hell of a distraction.”
“So you feel better?”
Good question. I really hadn’t thought being on top would make a difference in terms of distracting me from everything, but in hindsight, it had. It was something new. Something that had required extra concentration, and brought with it all new sensations that had pulled my focus away from anything and everything else. For those few minutes, I’d forgotten the rest of the world existed at all.
Mission accomplished.
Sure, it was all coming back now, and the tension I’d been trying to escape still existed behind my ribs, but none of it seemed as catastrophic as before. Did I feel better? Fuck yes, I felt better.
“I feel a hell of a lot better. Thank you.” I touched his face. “I’m sorry this thing keeps coming up. My divorce and…” I shook my head. “I’d definitely rather be focused on you than the past.”
He smiled and turned to kiss my palm. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve been through breakups before. Even the ones that happen after a short relationship take time to get through.”
“I know. I just…” I caressed his cheekbone. “I like being with you more than I like dwelling on her.”
Sailo chuckled. He kissed the tip of my nose and, as he settled beside me, said, “Give it time. For right now, if she’s on your mind, just say so, and I’ll be happy to help you think of something else.”
I laughed. “Deal.”
We lay in comfortable silence for a while. Well, somewhat comfortable. The shock from this afternoon was wearing off. The painful sense of betrayal lingered, but now guilt was creeping in. Had I driven her to cheat on me? Had that slowly growing canyon between us been because of her affair, or had it caused her to cheat in the first place?
“Greg?”
I shook myself and turned to him. “Sorry, what?”
He draped his arm over me. “You were spacing out.”
“Sorry.” I sighed. “Just thinking about…everything I don’t want to think about. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be dwelling on all that shit.”
“You’re not dwelling. You’re processing.” He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. “Breakups hurt. Anybody who expects you to suck it up and move on overnight, even after you’re already seeing somebody else, is fucking clueless.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. “Yeah. I know. Thank you again, by the way. You’ve been amazing through all this.”
“You’re welcome.”
Propping myself up on my elbow, I studied him. “Why do I get the impression you’ve had your share of shitty breakups?”
“You noticed?” he laughed bitterly.
“Sorry to hear it.”
“It’s life. Hell, the last guy I dated…” Sailo whistled. “That ended in disaster.”
“What happened?”
He stared up at the ceiling with unfocused eyes. “We’d been dating for about six months, and everything was just…God, it was amazing. The sex. The conversations. I was even starting to think this was it, that he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And then one day, he realized he could do better.” Sailo’s lips twisted, and bitterness dripped from his tone as he added, “So he did. He left, found some personal trainer with a six-pack and a pretty face, and…well, that was that.”
“Jesus. That’s cold.”
“Tell me about it.” He blew out a breath. “Took me almost as long to get over that as I dated him in the first place. Which is kind of pathetic, but—”
“No, I don’t think so.” I laced our fingers together. “Somebody hurt you. Getting over that takes…as long as it takes.”
He turned to me, and a hint of a smile pulled up the corners of his mouth. “Says the man who keeps apologizing for trying to get over his divorce.”
Well. He had me there, didn’t he?
“Fair point, fair point. If it looks like it’s going to take twenty-five years to get over that, though, please smack me.”
Sailo chuckled. “I think you’ve got your head on a bit too straight for that, but just in case…deal.”
We shared a quiet laugh, and then we settled on the pillows. He rested his head on my shoulder, and that comfortable silence set in again.
I couldn’t have asked for a better person—male or female—to help me bounce back after Becky. He was wise beyond either of our years about relationships and their aftermath, and he knew just how to get my mind off things when I’d dwelled on them too long.
It was bizarre to imagine that if one devastating conversation in my old house had never happened, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be reeling from a divorce and the discovery of an affair, but I wouldn’t be here.
The question that haunted me more than anything…
Did the end justify the means?
I ran my fingers up and down Sailo’s tattooed arm. Without the divorce, the cheating, the hurt, the upheaval—I wouldn’t be here. I would still be curious about what it would be like to be with a man, instead of insatiably hooked on the way Sailo kissed me, touched me, fucked me. Things would still be the same as they’d always been, and this wouldn’t exist except in the fantasies I didn’t dare tell anyone about.
I could have done without all the heartache and headache surrounding my divorce. At the same time, I felt like I wasn’t just starting my life over again—I was starting to live again. After going through the motions, gritting my teeth and telling myself we’d fix things eventually, I was free. So was Becky. We’d broken out of that miserable stagnation, and for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I was…me. Like I wasn’t putting on a smiling face for Christmas cards, or pretending everything was fine while I was dying inside. Instead of wondering where my life was going, I was living my life.
Maybe all this stress and pain were what I needed. Having the rug pulled out from under me wasn’t fun, but I was starting to think it was necessary. Growing pains, as it were. Something to shake me up and wake me up.
One thing was for sure—it was time to start letting go of Becky and focusing on Sailo.
Slowly, so I didn’t disturb him, I turned toward him. The streetlights illuminated just enough of his face to hint at his familiar features. Watching him now, listening to him breathe, I smiled in the darkness.
A year ago—hell, a few weeks ago—I couldn’t have imagined being here.
Now, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.