I live and breathe this life. Bikes, women, whiskey. There isn’t anything better. I am who I am and make no excuses. I may not be what society would call an upstanding citizen, but the way I see it, our time on earth is limited. And I don’t plan on wasting any of mine. I refuse to let other people’s opinions keep me from having the courage to live my life the way I choose. There is only one day a year I throw all that shit out the window, allowing the negativity and darkness to creep in. And that day is today. The Club’s throwing a big party for my twenty-fifth birthday. They do it every year. They fire up the grills, bring in all the families, then as night falls the old ladies and kids go home and the women and whiskey start to flow.

I love my brothers, but I’d much rather lose myself in booze—which is exactly what I’m doing right now.

I have a home not far from the clubhouse, right on the lake. I got one just for the peace and solitude. There are times when I need to be alone—away from the club, away from my brothers. Times like now. My birthday isn’t a day for celebrating. To me, my birthday will always be a reminder of the worst day of my life.

“Hey, son. Happy Birthday.” Jake acknowledges, patting me on my back as he takes a seat beside me. I’ve been sittin’ outside in the cold for the better part of an hour. Lucky for me, the alcohol is not only good for drowning my sorrows but works wonders at keeping me warm.

“Thanks,” I answered dryly.

Jake has been in my life since I was eight. He married my Aunt Lily, my mom’s younger sister. “Why don’t you call it a night? Go home. I know you’re not into any of this shit today.”

I look to him and lift my beer to my lips, drinking the last swallow. “I think I’ll just take a bottle to my room. Tell the guys I’m out for the night will ya?” I ask as I make my way back inside. Stopping at the bar, I grab my poison of choice before making my way to the stairs that lead to my room.

Jake understands the struggles today brings. No matter how many years pass, tragedy and pain will forever stalk me.

Once I’m in my room, I strip out of my clothes. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I twist the cap off the bottle before taking a long pull. There was a time when I would try finding the answers to all my problems at the bottom of a bottle. I started drinking heavily when I was twenty, after someone I was in love with betrayed me. That on top of the pain I still carried from losing my mother, alcohol became my way of self-medicating. Before too long, Jake noticed a change in me. He sat me down one night, telling me something that would make me realize the path I was choosing was wrong. “The pain of your tragedy will never go away, no matter how much you drink, son. But the memory of your mother lives on inside of you. How do you think she would feel to see the son she was raising, not living the happy life she so desperately wanted for him?”

I never could let go of the past, or it’s never let go of me. I still live with the ghosts of what could have been.

Today is just another reminder of just how fucked up life is. It’s also the only day I allow my old habits to seep in.

Fifteen years ago, on my tenth birthday, was the first of many losses in my life.

As a nurse, my mom worked a lot of hours, but on my birthdays, she always took the day off. She’d gotten up early that morning. She made pancakes with bacon because it was my favorite. Most mornings she was rushing off to work while I had school, so breakfast was usually cereal or fruit. My mom had the entire day planned. We were going to meet my Aunt Lily and Jake to spend the day with them at the Lake. The lake was somewhat of a tradition on my birthday. The weather wasn’t warm enough to swim, but my mom would bring lunch and Jake said he’d bring a ball for us to throw around.

I was close with my Aunt. She would stop by at least once a week and help me with my homework while my mom would be working. Jake would show up with her on occasion. We’d talk about football, and how excited I was to be starting camp in the summer.

We loaded up the car after breakfast and soon after, we were on the road headed for the lake. I’m not sure what happened. Not from memory anyway. One minute I was sitting in the backseat playing my Gameboy, then the next, I heard my mom screaming as the car plunged over the side rail. The last thing I remember is my seatbelt pulling tight, locking me in before losing consciousness.

The next time I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital room and my mom was dead.

I had several broken ribs, a broken arm, tons of scrapes and cuts, and a severe concussion that kept me out of it for two days. I wasn’t even strong enough to attend my mom’s funeral. Bennett, our club doctor, sat with me that day.

After I was strong enough to leave the hospital, my aunt took me home to live with her and Jake.

I lost so much in the span of two weeks, but I became a part of The Kings of Retribution MC family in the process.

Those men downstairs, are more loyal than most. Jake took me in, raised me as if I were his own son.

That’s when I met Reid and his little brother, Noah. We became instant friends. Fuck, the three of us were always getting into shit and raising hell.

Lives changed even more just a few years later when Aunt Lily passed away from Cervical Cancer.

Two of the most important women in my life were gone. It seems losing people was becoming a theme in my life. I never knew my old man. My mom never talked about him—good or bad.

Jake became more than an uncle, he became the father I never had. Though he was dealing with his own grief from losing the woman he loved, he never let that stop him from being a constant in my life. He put his own heartache aside and focused on raising me with the help of the club. Through every milestone, Jake was by my side. First crush, first girlfriend, even my first fight. Which I kicked that punks fuckin’ ass. He was there through it all. The proudest moment he and I shared was when I earned my patch. I’ll never forget the look of pride in his eyes, as he realized through all our trials and tribulations, I’d made it.

Bennett was a big part of my upbringing. He has been with the club since day one. He and Jake grew up together. Childhood friends. Bennett is the one who taught me how to use a gun at thirteen. I caught on quick, he said I was a natural. It didn’t take long before I was soon able to outshoot anyone of the brothers. I just learned early on that with determination and dedication you could accomplish anything you set out to.

Bennett has an old lady, Lisa. They’re high school sweethearts. She stood by him through two tours in Iraq as a medic and his decision to join the MC. Lisa is truly Bennett’s ride or die.

Seven years ago, I thought I had everything figured out. I had the club, my brothers, and a pretty woman I loved.

Turns out, she didn’t love me.

Stephanie Williams. She was my high school sweetheart, we met my junior year. She had strawberry blonde hair and soft brown eyes. Every spare moment I had, I spent with her. Almost three years together.

Up until the day I turned twenty.

I rode out to her parents’ house, where she was still living. I went to pick her up for the party the club was having. I knew I was a couple hours early, but I was anxious to see my girl. That time of day she was usually out back in the guest house her parents let her stay in. I parked my bike and made my way around to the gate that leads to the back of the property.

What I wasn’t prepared for, was catching the girl I loved sucking some other guy’s dick as I passed the large living room window.

I enjoyed beating the shit out of the punk, but it did nothin’ to ease the pain of betrayal I was feeling.

Turns out money was more important to her than I thought. Once daddy threatened to cut her off, she started seeing one of the guys that worked for his firm. She fuckin’ kept me around because the prick couldn’t satisfy her in bed. Her words, not mine. She told me she could never marry a biker anyway.

Fuck Love. I decided from then on that I didn’t want or need it.

Some of the other brothers have divorces under their belts with women who thought they could handle the club life, but in the end, couldn’t deal.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have what Bennett and Lisa have.

Jake had that once with my Aunt Lily. Even though it’s been years, I’ve never seen him interested in another woman. I know he gets his release like the rest of us brothers do, but that’s it. He always goes home alone at night.

Although, I have noticed he’s developed a bit of sweet tooth the past couple of months. I’m guessing a certain little redhead that opened a bakery in town might have something to do with his little donut obsession lately.

It’s just not for me. I’m not looking for a permanent woman. I’m happy with the way things are now. No strings attached pussy. They all know the score beforehand. We have a good time, then it’s time for them to go.

Fuck. I take pride in knowing I paid my dues and earned this VP patch I wear on my cut today. Sure, there were plenty of times along the way my dumb ass almost fucked it up. My brothers never let up though, and sometimes taught me the hard way to rein that shit in. Which believe me, I did. The day my brothers voted me in and gave me the title was one of pride.

I’m the man I am today because of them.

I still suffer from insomnia and the occasional nightmares that I’ve been dealing with since I was ten. I’m not sure if they’re actual memories or something my mind has conjured up. I found that smoking a little weed helps with insomnia from time to time, but I don’t partake in it as much as I used to.

I live and breathe club life. Being a Kings of Retribution MC member holds much more meaning than just wearing the cut and having a title.

I have killed and would lay down my life for any one of those men because they are my family.

This is who I am. I don’t need more.

Halfway through the bottle, I feel my eyes getting heavier, and I give in to the liquor induced sleep.