Cy
"I can't. Not with you. You're different. Nothing like the others," I tell her. Her hair is a little wild, her eyes hooded with lust. I could have her right now, but I won't do that to her. I won’t use her like I did all those other women. God, she's perfect, too. Better than I could have imagined. And her taste…fuck me. I nearly came the moment her tongue swept into my mouth.
"I want you," she says. Her breath coming in pants.
"I need you so fucking bad it hurts, but we can't." My hand reaches up to brush her hair back from her face, reveling in the softness of her skin. "For years I've used women as a way to escape the abuse, as a buffer between Everett and me. But since I've left home, I haven't been with anyone. I don't want that life anymore. None of it. Not just Everett," I growl his name. "There were so many things that went bad. So much I wish I could take back. All I did to you in high school, all the women I used, and my friends, too. God, I was such a dick to most of them. I have no clue why they stuck around. The majority of them got treated as badly as the women I took to bed every night the last six years."
Her features soften; her hand stills mine, which is lightly trailing along her neck. "Yes, you did things you regret, but everyone has done things in life they wish they could take back. You also should remember, all those women, those friends of yours, you didn’t force them to be there with you. They did that of their own accord. You need to let that guilt go. They were all free to come and go as they pleased, but they chose to stay by your side. You're like a magnet, Cy. People can't help but be drawn to you."
“People or you?” I had to ask. I need to know.
“Both.”
I close my eyes and take her hand in mine, bringing it to my lips to kiss the back of it. "The biggest mistake I made was how I treated you. You did nothing to warrant my torment. I bullied you for so long. Every day, Evie. Every day I searched you out and was awful to you. How can you even look at me after all I did? I was horrible."
She leans forward, pulling her hand from mine and wraps her arms around me. Her cheek is resting on my shoulder, her lips press lightly against my neck. "I'm going to be honest with you, because you’re doing the same with me." I swallow thickly, bracing for what she's about to say. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forget what happened in high school. It was painful for me. However, knowing what I do now, I would endure that again daily if it helped you get through your pain. That morning at your house," her voice catches. "I was so afraid. I thought you were going to take your life right before my eyes. When you didn't, I knew then and there I would do whatever it took to help you and not because I felt pity for you. No, it was because I saw you differently than I ever had before. You were no longer the boy in the hall who teased me. You were a man whose entire world was crashing down, and you couldn't take it anymore. More than that, I saw how strong you were for enduring years of his abuse. I saw someone who could have easily turned the gun on the person who attacked him, but instead of hurting anyone else, turned it on himself."
"Evie, please."
I can barely hold back the tears welling in my eyes. She’s saying things about me, which aren't true. I'm not strong. I'm fucking weak and a coward. A strong person doesn't take their shit out on other people. They handle it. I should have gone to the police, but I was afraid of what my friends would think of me once the news broke of one of the wealthiest families having a problem with sexual abuse. People who knew me and followed me around in high school. What would they have thought if they knew I was being abused? I was worried about things I shouldn't have been.
"Your mother should have protected you, Cy. She should have been the one, above all others, who always believed you and she failed." She lifts her head to look me in the eyes. The brilliant blue of hers holding in their depths so much kindness and resolve. "You can push me away every day for the rest of our lives, but I will always be here for you. We don't have to be anything more than friends."
"I'm toxic, Evie. You don't need to be mixed up in my bullshit. Everything that's happened since you found out, has hurt you. I can't be responsible for that."
"You're wrong. You opened my eyes to what was going on. I quit working for a woman who put her husband above her blood. I found a new job, a better one. I'm doing okay. The only thing missing from my life is you." She drops her gaze. "I don't have many friends. In fact, I only really have Parker and you. You shutting me out hurts."
"You have Finn." I'm not saying it to be a dick. I'm mentioning his name because she doesn't need to be with me. She has a great guy who wants to spend time with her. One who isn't fucked up in the head and has nightmares all the time. One who doesn't get triggered into an old, awful memory due to a sound or smell. He could give her everything I can’t.
"Tonight was the first time I went out with him. I don't know him very well, but he's a nice guy."
"You deserve that."
"I deserve to make my own choices. Not you. Not Finn. No one else. Only me."
"I'm fucked in the head. You don't know a fraction of what I go through on a daily basis."
"Then tell me."
"It's not that easy."
"Why did you come here tonight?" she asks, redirecting the conversation.
I step away from her. I need to be honest and tell her the reason she found me outside her apartment in the middle of the night. I can't do that while she's touching me, though.
"I was on the computer earlier. I haven't been with anyone in a while, so I was watching porn." I stop to see if she's upset about what I was doing, unsure how she feels about it. Her expression is the same as it was—worried. "I found a video of a man being rough with a woman. Like so fucking rough I thought he was going to choke her, but she liked it. She could breathe, and he was fucking her hard. I liked it. It turned me on."
"There's nothing wrong with that. You were watching something consensual between two people. Some get turned on by rough sex."
"His other hand was gripping her hip hard, then he flipped her onto her stomach and made her get on her hands and knees. He wrapped her hair around his hand and pulled her head back while he fucked her from behind."
She shrugs. "Some people like a little bit of pain with their pleasure." She keeps dismissing everything I say, like it’s normal. Maybe she won't once I tell her the next part.
"I...I started gripping myself hard, loving the feeling of that pain, too. But that's not the bad part, Evie. It's what he did to me. For years, he would come into my room and push me around." I lift my right arm and point to a scar on my elbow. "This is from the time he shoved me into my dresser. The top drawer was open and the corner sliced my arm when I was pushed into it. Blood ran down my arm as he stripped my clothes and had his way with me. He was never gentle. It was fast and hard. Always painful, always making tears run down my face from the initial shock. And that only pushed him harder. He liked to see me hurting. He got off on it." I choke back a sob before it has a chance to escape. "Don't you see? He was so fucking rough with me and now, that same shit is turning me on."
A single tear glides down her cheek. She stands, her dress hanging askew, thanks to me trying to take it off her. She wipes the tear from her face. "There is a difference between what happened to you and what happened in the video. You were a child being abused at the hands of an adult. You were forced into having sex with him. The adults in the video you watched wanted sex that way."
"He gripped my throat once. He didn't let up until I passed out. I woke up and…God, Evie, why did this happen to me? What did I do to make him want to hurt me? Why couldn't he love me like other kids’ parents?" This time I don't hold back the tears. I bury my face in my hands to hide the shame I feel. I've never said these words to anyone, not even my mother all those times I went to her.
Evie pulls me over to the bed and I let her. I sit down and she does the same beside me. "I don't want this pain anymore," I whisper. "I want it to stop."
"Me, too," she says as her arms wrap around me. I bury my face in her shoulder, her hair coming around us like a curtain while I release every fear, every ounce of pain, in gut-wrenching sobs. Never have I cried like this in front of anyone. Not my mom when I was begging her to believe me. Not Everett when he was hurting me. Yes, I cried in front of them but not like this. I can’t hold the pain in any longer.
Evie doesn't speak again, only holds me tight, letting me know she's here, and nothing I say will scare her away. When I'm finally able to calm myself, I lift my head and avert my eyes from her. What kind of man cries on the shoulder of a woman he treated terribly? I just keep making things worse between us. She should be happy. She should be with Finn.
Looking straight ahead at the dresser across from the foot of her bed, I say, "You need to be with Finn. I don't know if I'll ever be okay. This might be all I ever am, and I can't drag you down into this black hole with me every day."
She stands and then surprises me by taking my face in her hands. Her legs straddle my lap as she sits on my thighs. "I want you to look in my eyes and listen to me. You, Cy Revere, might not think you deserve anything but misery and pain, but I'm going to show you just how much someone can care for you. I’ll be here for you. I'm not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. I don't feel for Finn the way I feel for you. Would it be easy with him? Yes. Could I grow to care for him? Sure." I try to turn my head, but she doesn't let me. "The difference is, he's not you. I want you. I have from the moment you laid in my bed beside me. Whether I have you as a friend, or more, I'm here. I will go at whatever pace you want. If you want never to kiss me again, fine. If you want to take me right now and fuck me hard, I'm on board with that, too. No matter what you throw at me, I'm not going to leave. I will fight for you. I will stand beside you and show the world you are not alone. I will do whatever it takes to protect you."
"I'm not worth it, Evie."
"That's where you're wrong. You are and so much more. Now, lay back. We both need some sleep. You can hold me all night if you want, or I can sleep on the couch, but I'll be here. I’m not leaving."
"No. I want you in bed with me." I don't think about the nightmares that plague me, or the times I've awakened in a cold sweat, thinking I'm back in my bedroom with Everett's hands on me. For this one night, I want to be with Evie, even if that means only sharing a bed with her. I want to take the comfort she offers, although, I don't deserve any of it.