CHAPTER 5
Jess rolled her hair around her finger as she twisted it in the waiting room of her doctor’s office. Her Kindle sat on her lap, Bella Andre’s newest release on the screen. Romance novels had always been her greatest escape and had gotten her through some extremely difficult times. And Bella’s books, in particular, had been a lifesaver. She’d spent so much time reading about the Sullivan family that she felt like she was a member.
She and Ali and Brynn had all claimed their Sullivan book boyfriends. She’d chosen Zach. Brynn had gone with Marcus and Ali had snatched up Gabe. It was fun to fantasize about the men being real, but inevitably Ali or Brynn would ruin the fun and point out that Jess had her own real-life hero in Whisper Lake.
Ethan Steele. Sure, he didn’t come from a big family with spokes in San Francisco, Seattle, New York, and Miami. But the girls would argue that he was serious romance hero material. Not only because he had a body that didn’t stop, but he was also in law enforcement. His job was being a professional hero. He was loyal. He was honest. He was hot.
They weren’t wrong. When Jess allowed herself the luxury of fantasizing about the future, Ethan was the man she saw in it. But like Ali had said about writing Mrs. McKnight, that had been purely make-believe. It wasn’t reality. Just the thought of it being real was terrifying. It was too much to handle.
What did a future even look like? She never expected to get a donor. She’d made peace with dying at a very young age. She never thought she’d make it to thirty, and yet, here she was, a little over a year from that milestone.
Last night, when she’d gotten in the truck, she’d been sure that Ethan was about to kiss her. And as much as she wanted that to happen, she felt relieved when it didn’t. For so many years she’d been fighting her attraction to him that she wasn’t sure what would happen if she let her guard down.
“Jess.” The nurse called out, and Jess slid her Kindle back in her bag and stood.
She walked down the hallway, stepped into the small exam room, and began the routine that she knew all too well. She stepped on the scale, held out her arm to get her blood pressure, lifted her tongue to have her temperature taken, and made small talk with the nurse, Mandy. Jess had gotten to know Mandy pretty well over the past ten years she’d been seeing Dr. Richmond. She was a divorced mom of two boys that Jess felt like she knew even though she’d never met them. Mandy’s husband had left her right around the same time Jess had her heart transplant.
“So how are the boys?”
“Good. Parker starts kindergarten this fall. It goes so fast.”
That’s what Jess had always heard. Sadly, she’d never find out because she didn’t plan on having kids. It wasn’t entirely because of her health, though that was a concern. It was also because she’d never had that maternal instinct; there was never any biological clock ticking in her. She loved being an “auntie” to Ali’s nephews and Brynn’s son Ryder, but that was about it. Diapers. Sleepless nights. Terrible twos. Braces. Report cards. Terrible teens. None of that appealed to Jess.
“And what about you? What’s going on with the anesthesiologist that asked you out?”
“Oh,” Mandy shook her head at the same time a blush crept up her cheeks. “Nothing. I don’t have time for that between the boys and work,”
Jess could understand that.
“What about you? What happened with the vet tech?”
“I didn’t make it past the first drink.”
“No?”
“Nope. Bad breath.”
Mandy’s face scrunched up. “Oh, that’s the worst.”
Jess wanted to say that the worst was the guy that had been wearing his wedding ring, but she thought it might hit a little too close to home.
“Doctor will be in in a few minutes.”
“Thanks.”
Jess stared at the same wall she’d been staring at for the past decade. Dr. Richmond’s decor hadn’t changed in all those years. He had three exam rooms, this one had a picture of a blue vase and red flowers. She preferred exam room three. That one had an abstract painting of fruit. She liked to mess with him and ask if he saw a penis in the image. She loved watching his cheeks flame with embarrassment. He was easy to tweak, and there’d been a lot of years where Jess had to get her entertainment anyway she could get it.
Now, her options were much broader, but she still enjoyed making her doctor blush.
“Hello there, Miss Myers.” His hearty greeting had been the same since the first time she’d come to his office.
“Hey Dr. Richmond, how’s it hanging?”
Dr. Richmond was all business, all the time. He pushed his glasses up on his nose, placed his hand on the stool, and sat in front of the small, adjustable computer and typed on the keyboard. “It looks like your numbers are good. How have you been feeling?”
“Good. I’ve been good.”
“What about the fatigue? Are you still finding it hard to make it through the day?”
“Nope. That’s been a lot better.” Since Jess stopped having caffeine after lunch, she’d been sleeping like a baby.
It was Brynn who’d pointed out to her that a cup of coffee to get over her midday slump and then a soda with dinner wasn’t exactly giving her body what it needed for a good night’s sleep. And since she’d cut down, her nights had been a lot more restful.
Dr. Richmond did all the doctor things that doctors do, checked her glands, had her open up and say “ah,” listened to her heartbeat, and asked her a series of questions before smiling, something he rarely did. “Okay, everything looks good. If you don’t have any questions or concerns, we’ll see you back in six months.”
Jess felt a little panic rise in her. “Six months. Great.”
He left, and as she grabbed her bag and started back down the hallway, she did her best to ignore the anxiety that filled her. It had been happening more and more frequently lately.
When she got to the front desk, the receptionist, Lorraine, looked up and smiled at her. “When does the doctor want to see you again, love?”
“Six months,” Jess answered and her chest tightened again.
As Lorraine made the appointment and filled out a reminder card, Jess realized why she was feeling so stressed. Not seeing Dr. Richmond for six months would be the longest she’d ever gone without seeing a doctor.
Her life wasn’t just making it until the next doctor’s appointment as it had been for so long. And if that was the case, then what was it?
She was, basically, healthy. At twenty-eight, she was as healthy as she’d ever been and probably would be. A miracle had happened and she had the chance at a real life. And the question that haunted her was, what was she doing with it?
A man held the door open for her. As she walked through, his eyes dropped to her upper arm, and he commented, “Nice bird.”
“Thanks.” On her nineteenth birthday, she’d gotten a colorful peacock on her left arm, much to her dad’s dismay.
It was partly born out of rebellion, but mostly it was a way for her to feel ownership over her body. All of her life, her body had been broken. She’d been poked and prodded and filled with medications, none of it anything she had control over. Getting inked had given her control.
After getting ‘Just Breathe’ on her wrists for her eighteenth birthday and the peacock a year later, getting a tattoo on her birthday had become a tradition. It was a way to celebrate surviving another year. She was due for another soon, and for the first time since she’d begun the ritual, she had no idea what she was going to get. Typically, she had several designs that she was deciding between, but this year nothing was speaking to her.
Her phone buzzed, and she pulled it out expecting to see a message from her dad. She’d planned on calling him on the drive home but wasn’t surprised that he’d beat her to the punch. But the text wasn’t from her dad. It was from Ethan. It said that he’d run into her dad and found out she had a doctor’s appointment and he was checking in to see if everything was okay.
Irritation flooded her. This was one of the reasons she knew that they wouldn’t work out. She didn’t want to be “the sick girl.” The girl that people had to take care of. That’s the only way he’d ever see her.
Perhaps it had something to do with their first interaction. Her being unconscious upon first meeting probably set the tone for their relationship. She’d tried to be a badass and not use her oxygen, but halfway through first period, she’d known she’d made a grave mistake. She’d almost made it to her locker before she’d blacked out.
The next thing she knew, she’d opened her eyes and Ethan was kissing her. At least, that’s what her foggy brain had thought when his mouth was on hers. It took her a moment, but then she’d realized that he was trying to resuscitate her. She’d begged, begged, him to let her go back to class and not say anything.
She’d thought she was in the clear but during the next period, a voice came over the intercom and asked her to go to the nurses’ office. The nurse was there, and her mom showed up ten minutes later. The principal said that a student reported that she’d passed out in the hallway. Ethan had never admitted that he’d snitched, but she knew it had to be him.
After that day, everything he’d done had rubbed her the wrong way. Mainly because she’d wanted him to rub her the right way. It wasn’t really his fault that he told the nurse. That’s just who he was. He was a good guy.
Her friends were right. Ethan was a real-life hero…he just wasn’t her hero.