CHAPTER 27
Ethan stood out on the deck at Lanterns and stared at the moonlight reflecting off of the surface of the water and relaxed after fulfilling his best man duties for the day. It had been an emotionally draining few hours and he was trying to recharge.
Being around Jess was painful. Physically painful. He’d gone through withdrawals after going cold turkey on her. And now, just seeing her in even this small dose was shooting him back into a painful detox.
He craved her. He needed her. He loved her. Just being near her was a test of willpower and it wasn’t helping that the entire day had been about celebrating love.
Ali and Kade’s ceremony was beautiful, simple, and his favorite part: short. And now they were all gathered for the private reception. He and Jess had given toasts. Ali and Kade had played a video of Patrick from years ago predicting the two of them getting together. It was strange to see and hear his friend again.
It made him wish he had more videos of his dad. He’d been missing him a lot lately. He’d never wanted fatherly advice so bad in his entire life.
From the time he could remember making his own decisions, Ethan had been so sure about them. Things were clear, black and white. He’d known what he wanted out of life for so long. He’d wanted Jess and to be a cop. Now, now he wasn’t sure of either of those things.
His grandma had a lot of thoughts on the matter, mainly that he was “making the biggest mistake of your life by letting that girl go”, but even she’d gotten fed up with him not listening.
He’d been back on the job for a couple of weeks and it just didn’t feel right. And he hadn’t spoken to Jess in a month and that felt wrong. Nothing in his life made sense right now.
Well, except Jess.
She made sense. When he was with her everything was right. And she loved him. At least she had a month ago.
He still couldn’t believe that he’d let her walk out of his house. There’d been so many times he’d picked up the phone to call her or started to run past her house, but he stopped himself every time, because each time he’d start to pick up his phone or get in his car to go see her, he’d imagine Lori’s tear-stained face as she laid flowers on Carter’s casket.
He heard what Jess had said, but he just couldn’t reconcile loving her and the risk that he’d be asking her to take.
When he heard footsteps on the wooden planks of the deck, he glanced up and experienced a split-second of hope. Hope that it would be Jess walking toward him. Over the past month, he’d grown used to experiencing that same flash of expectation. Every time his phone vibrated, he thought it might be Jess. Whenever he was out in town and saw a flash of dark hair, there was a moment where he was sure it was going to be her. If there was a knock on his door, he’d imagine it was her.
The small high was always followed by the inevitable disappointment that came when his brain registered that it wasn’t her.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” Bonnie asked as she stepped up to the railing beside him.
“I’m good.”
“Daisy just told me that you’re back on full-time. That’s great.”
“Yep.” Ethan nodded.
“Your dad would be really proud of you.”
Her comment took him by surprise. No one really spoke to him about his dad.
“You know,” Bonnie rested her hands on the railing, “I dated your dad.”
“You did?” That really took him by surprise. He’d always thought that Jess’s parents had been together forever.
“I did.” She nodded. “It was right before John and I got together. In fact, I think that your dad being my boyfriend was what finally got John over his shyness. It wasn’t anything serious, your dad wasn’t really the commitment type and we were young. Really young. But it was a fun summer.”
“Wow. I had no idea.”
Bonnie smiled. “I remember he talked a lot about leaving Whisper Lake. He wanted to live in the city, be a cop, and he didn’t want a family. Even at sixteen, I knew I always wanted to be a mom. He said that he wasn’t ever going to get married or have kids. He said that he’d never forget when two men had shown up at his door to tell his mom that his dad was gone. He said he never wanted to put anyone through that. I have to admit, I was pretty shocked when you—”
“I’m not his. I’m adopted.”
“I know. And that shocked me even more. He chose you. He didn’t just get someone pregnant. I remember running into him at Children’s Hospital in Chicago. I was there with Jess, she was about a year old and he was there getting your medical files to use for your adoption hearing. He told me about the night he found you and that he kept tabs on you. He said that you were his. From the moment that he found you, he’d known that. And whatever happened he wanted you to know that you were loved. You were chosen, you were his.”
Hearing the things his dad had said had a lump of emotion forming in Ethan’s throat. He wasn’t sure what to say.
“Mom!”
Both he and Bonnie turned to see Jess standing in the doorway that led to the restaurant. She didn’t even glance in his direction. It was as if he were invisible. All day, she’d looked right past him, like he didn’t exist.
“They’re about to cut the cake.”
“I’ll be right there, sweetie.”
He could see that Jess wanted to say more, probably for her mom to stop talking to the enemy, but she didn’t. She turned and walked back inside and like she did every time she left his presence, she took a piece of his heart with her.
He heard a sniff beside him and looked to his left to see that Bonnie’s eyes were filled with unshed tears as she stared at the space Jess had just left.
“What’s wrong?”
Was Jess sick? Was her body rejecting the heart? He’d researched all of the risks after her surgery and he knew that she should be out of the woods for ninety percent of the complications, but he also knew anything could happen.
“Nothing.” Bonnie shook her head. “It just still gets me sometimes, seeing her so healthy, so active, so alive. Seeing the flush in her cheeks.”
“Yeah.”
“Even if it is because she’s mad at you,” she smiled up at him.
He wasn’t sure how much Bonnie knew about what went down between them. He knew the Myers were close, but he had no idea what Jess had shared.
“Can I give you a piece of unsolicited advice?”
“Please.” Ethan wasn’t just being polite. He’d welcome any advice that Bonnie had.
“Jess loves you, and if I’m not mistaken, you love her too. I’m sure you have your reasons, just like your dad did, for not wanting to have attachments.”
They were actually the exact same as his dad’s.
“But even though your dad’s greatest fear came true, do you think he should’ve done anything differently? Do you think you would’ve been better off if he hadn’t pulled you out of foster care and adopted you? Or are you grateful for the time you had with him?”
Ethan had honestly never thought about it like that.
“In this world, there are no guarantees. Tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone. No one can control the future. Believe me, if they could, John would’ve figured out how to do it by now.” She chuckled. “All anyone can do is make sure that they show the people they love that they love them. The best that any of us can do is live each day showing the people that we love that we love them. That’s what living is, the rest is just existing.”
Ethan stared at Jess’s mom as she walked back in and joined the party. He saw her walk up to her husband and when John saw her, his face lit up and he pulled her into his arms. Jess was standing beside them and he watched her watch her parents embrace while Ali and Kade cut the cake.
She was happy for them, yes. But she also looked sad. And lonely. His soul recognized it, just liked he’d recognized her grief on the pier that day. He’d recognized it because he’d been feeling the exact same way.
And then, like a flash, everything clicked into place. He was robbing them of happiness now because he was scared of what might happen in the future. Jess had been right. He was being a chicken shit.
Well, he was done being scared. He just hoped it wasn’t too late.