I stood watching as she danced around the kitchen, rattling off over and over again the ingredients she would need to make dinner. She bounced from the pantry to the fridge and then back again when she didn’t grab everything she needed.

“How much coffee have you had today?” I smirked.

She looked over her shoulder at me, the brightest smile across her face. It warmed me. She’d come so far over the past couple months, her love of life and excitement for the future was contagious. Sugar brushed past me, planting a quick kiss on my cheek as she grabbed the salt from across the counter.

“I may have had a few cups…” She chuckled. “I’m just excited. As soon as I’ve put dinner on, I’m going to get started on some new designs. Then I have to meet with the man downtown about the lease of the store before I pick up Harlyn from school.”

“And I fit into this plan, where now?” I asked, rolling my eyes. It had been her that had asked me to come over this morning, but it seemed like that had slipped her mind.

She stopped and looked over at me with a mocking pout. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not giving you enough attention?”

I stalked toward her, and her eyes lit up with excitement as I placed my hands on either side of the counter, boxing her in. I dipped my head, pressing my forehead against hers. “I’ve barely seen you the past few days, I’m trying to make an effort here.”

I was falling for this woman, I could feel it in my gut.

I wanted to be around her, I wanted to feel her energy, talk to her about my day, watch movies with her and Harlyn. I didn’t care what it fucking was, as long as it involved her. But the past week or more, she seemed to have taken on more and more shit, and considering the fact that we were already having to take our time where we could sneak it in, I was starting to wonder whether the feelings were shared.

Her hands snaked up my chest and settled around my neck and her fingers linked. “Okay, I’m sorry. Your effort is noted, and from now on I’ll try more to spend that time with you when we have it.”

She tiptoed up and pressed her lips to mine. The electricity flowed through both of us, the way her body softened and drew closer told me she felt it too.

“Well, now’s as good a time as any. Will you just sit down for a second,” I groaned, grabbing Sugar round the waist and dragging her with me to the couch.

Her laughter filled the air, and I couldn’t help but smile at that one sound I would never get tired of hearing. The last few weeks Sugar had transformed into this bright, bold woman. She was energetic and full of life, and it was amazing to see her blossoming and taking hold of her future. But I had no idea where I sat in it.

It was beginning to eat at me seeing this woman grow, but having to sit back in the shadows and not be there next to her where her man should stand. Not that we’d talked about that aspect of our relationship, or whether this even was a relationship. We hadn’t discussed formalities or details, deciding to just go with it and see where it took us.

But it was coming to a point where I didn’t want to just go with the flow anymore.

I was sick of the bullshit excuses I had to come up with when I turned down one of the club girls, and I was fucking done with lying to my president and one of my best friends. Op had given me more support than I could imagine. The club had been there for me and given me a home and a family when I was locked up inside with no one to have my back. They all had my back, and now I was shitting all over that trust and loyalty that I’d fought so hard to show them and prove to them. It was rotting away at my soul and fuck, I couldn’t take much more of it.

I didn’t care if Optimus beat the shit out of me, which he would most likely do. I just wanted to stop hiding.

“But I need to finish dinner and draw up some more designs,” she protested as I sat her across my lap, refusing to let her up. “I’ve got so much to do.”

Sugar had shown her designs to the landlord of the building downtown a few days ago, and he’d been more than impressed with her organization and enthusiasm. Needless to say, she got the lease and it wouldn’t be long before she was opening her dream shop. I was proud of her, and Harlyn was more than excited to see her mom doing so well, even though I could tell Harlyn herself was looking and acting worse for wear.

Wrapping my arms around her squirming body, I pulled her against me and pressed my lips to her neck. She melted, her body sinking against me and her eyes fluttering closed.

“Damn woman, you’re doing too much,” I complained as I pressed soft kisses along her jawbone. “You’re up all hours of the damn night, you’re barely eating, and I don’t know what you’re running on. But if you aren’t careful, you’re gonna burn out.”

She looked me in the eyes for a brief second, and my heart sank. It was only a flash, but I swore in that single moment that there was complete and utter grief and fear swirling within in her. They say that the eyes are the looking-glass to the soul, and what I saw, it wasn’t pretty. She blinked, and like that, it was gone.

Sugar chuckled softly and wiggled her hips. “I could do a lot more if you’d stop distracting me so much.”

I snorted. “Well, I’m sorry that I find it difficult to not touch you when you’re around. It’s becoming extremely hard.”

“Mmm… I can feel just how hard it’s becoming,” she answered, grinding her hips down.

“I think it’s time we talked to Optimus,” I told her straight out, knowing that if I didn’t do this now, we were going to get wound up in ourselves again.

Her body stilled, and she instantly pushed away. I let her go with a heavy sigh and followed her as she stood to her feet.

“No. That’s a bad idea.”

“Look, he’s gonna be pissed, there’s no way around it. But fuck! I’m sick of sneaking around and hiding out. I want to be able to spend time with you and with Harlyn without worrying about my brothers catching us.” I’d thought about it a lot over the past few days. Seeing Op and Chelsea happy and dedicated to each other, I wanted that shit.

 “Wrench, I’m just not ready to see you get hurt, and I don’t know if I’m ready to explain all this to Harlyn,” Sugar protested as she stomped back and forth across the living room. Gone was the happy, carefree woman, and in her place was once again a scared and vulnerable young girl. One I’d met before.

I should have stopped there. Should have seen the signs she was throwing up. The way she was curling in on herself. But I was annoyed. The feeling of betrayal sitting heavy in my stomach.

“You think Harlyn wouldn’t be okay with this shit? We get along great, you know this.”

“It’ll cause tension in the club. It’ll cause shit between you and Op, and I don’t want that,” she argued, shaking her head.

These were just excuses, ones that I was sick and tired of hearing.

“I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“And what about me, huh? What about what I want?” I shot back, folding my arms across my chest. “Is this just fun for you? Is that why you don’t want people to know? Because you never plan on it being any more than this?”

“Stop,” she squeaked. “Don’t do that.”

“Well, that’s what it seems like,” I pushed, moving forward.

“Well, you’re wrong,” she yelled. “You mean a lot to me. I thought you knew that!”

I reached out, grabbing her hand. She fought against me, but I held even tighter. “Then let’s just tell him. We can do this shit and come out the other side. I want to see where this could lead.”

“I just… I don’t…” she stammered like her mouth was struggling to find the words she needed to say. “Please don’t ruin this. I can’t lose… I can’t lose you. It’ll break me.” She wrenched her hand from my grip and backed away. Her hands going to her head, palms pushing against her temples. I couldn’t understand what she was saying because she wasn’t making any damn sense.

“Sugar, what’s going on with you?”

“You need to leave,” she said suddenly, her breathing becoming heavy.

“What the—”

“Go! Just please… we will talk about this later. No, I just can’t right now.” She was shaking, and I was quickly on full alert.

I shook my head, advancing on her. “No. Tell me what the hell is going on.”

She held her hands up defensively, stopping me in my tracks. “You just need to go,” she whispered, the crack in her voice almost enough to break me.

I couldn’t find any words, it was like she was scared. I didn’t know what to say or tell her, to bring her out of this sudden shift. She was disappearing. That fear in her eyes, it was staring right at me, and for a moment I wondered whether I’d fucked it up for good.

“Hey… it’s okay. All right, I’ll go. I’ll come back later and see Harlyn. I promised I’d take her to the park. Is that okay?” I kept my tone low, scared I’d spook her, but my mind was running overtime. I wanted to comfort her, but I already knew that last time she got like this, she refused to be touched.

She nodded, refusing to look at me.

“All right, I’ll see you in a few hours when Harlyn gets home from school.”

“Okay, that would be good.”

I stared at her for a few moments before turning and headed for the door. It took every piece of self-control inside me to walk away and leave her like that, not knowing how the hell she’d just flipped so suddenly. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her tight, not caring whether she would fight me.

I needed answers, but I wasn’t willing to risk her withdrawing from me completely in order to get them. If I forced it, I might lose her forever and right now, I couldn’t.

 

 

I managed to hold myself together until I heard his bike pull away from the house.

Then I shattered.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I fought to catch my breath between deafening sobs.

This couldn’t be happening.

I wanted to run from the house screaming, begging him to come back. Suddenly, I felt so alone, likes the curtains in my mind were closing, and no matter how much I fought to keep the light flowing in, it wasn’t enough.

Wrench had become something of a comfort, someone who made me feel good, made me feel normal. I’d blocked out most memories of that day, but I remember he’d sat with me for hours. Saying and doing nothing, just waiting until I was ready. Then he’d treated me like a princess… a fucking princess… not a freak, or an addict. He hadn’t called me names. Fuck! He’d barely even asked me questions, content to let me find myself again.

When we were together he made me laugh, made me feel like I could talk to him about anything, but most of all he made me feel this passion and excitement inside that I hadn’t felt in a long time. There were things I held back, things that only a handful of people knew about me. That was mostly to do with the way people would react when I told them the truth, the judgment and pity in their eyes or the fear of the unknown. It scared me, it honestly scared the ever loving crap out of me, but when I was with Wrench, it was the first time where I felt compelled to tell someone because I felt like maybe… I don’t know… that maybe he could possibly love me anyway.

He’d seen me at my worst, and he didn’t run.

But despite everything, I could feel myself changing. The decision to stay—moving from our safe space in the clubhouse, the sneaking around with Wrench, the lies, finding a school for Harlyn and my focus on developing my store and brand—had taken its toll. There was that feeling in my gut that things weren’t right, and when that came I knew it wasn’t good. Instead of acknowledging it and facing it head on, I pushed it to the side, more concerned with getting mine and Harlyn’s life together. With the shadows creeping in, the spotlight was on where exactly I’d gone wrong. I fought the nagging in the back of my brain for far too long, but I knew I couldn’t force it to stay there forever.

My life consisted of making it through every single day, taking it step by step and focusing on myself and my daughter. My fears and apprehensions were put to the side when Wrench was around. It was like they didn’t matter. It was like I knew he would accept me for me, everything else be damned. And for a long time, I really felt like that could be an unrealistic reality.

So I’d tipped the pills down the sink. What I didn’t take into consideration, was what would happen if Wrench walked away or was taken from me? What if Optimus tried to keep us apart? What if I refused to tell the club about us, and Wrench finally gave up on what we had?

Maybe I was being irrational. He said he would come back. But what if he started demanding answers, ones I couldn’t give him without letting him in, and showing him that side of me that had always been looked down on in disgust, the side that had always made me feel shame.

It was all a stupid mistake, and now I was falling.

I was back in the pit that I’d fought so hard to drag myself out of, and people were starting to notice. My living hell was coming back in full force, and I’d left it too long. There was nothing I could do to stop it.

The shadows were taking hold.

 

“Open your mouth,” Peter urged, his hand stroking my hair softly.

I eagerly followed his instructions, desperate to be given the reprieve he offered, the escape from my own mind.

He popped the small pill in and I swallowed it greedily. The effects of it were never instant, but as soon as I felt it travel down my throat my whole body relaxed. It was there now, and soon the manic chaos in my mind would leave, and I’d be okay.

Peter knew what he was doing, he’d worked for a long time in this business, he knew exactly what I needed and he stood by me. He understood what I was going through, and was willing to do whatever he had to do in order to make me feel better.

Some days were better than others, but on days like today where I was struggling to simply breathe, I’d begged him for the drugs. In a dark closed off part of my mind, I knew that I was quickly becoming an addict, but I refused to take notice of that tiny little voice that begged me to stop.

Just one more day. Just one more pill.

One more, I told myself, and then I’d be okay.

“I’m going to invite some friends around for dinner,” Peter told me as he helped me to lay back on the bed. “You won’t even know they’re here. Just relax, Annabelle.”

The way he said my name was so soft, so soothing. I could already feel my body beginning to melt, my senses becoming numb, my body felt like it was floating.

And my mind… blank.

That’s what I wanted.

I wanted to sink into the black abyss where there wasn’t so much noise.

“Annabelle...” I could hear my name being spoken. “I’ll make you feel good again.”

Please, I whispered in my head.

I just wanted to feel good again.