Stella quietly crept up the stairs to her apartment, Katrina’s breath soft and warm on her neck as she slept with her head on her shoulder. She was such a good little girl and she deserved better than this. She eased into her apartment, closing the door silently behind her.
Feeling guilty about how she had been treating her, she bypassed Katrina’s room, taking her into her own bedroom. She carefully placed her on the bed then soundlessly changed into her sleep shirt before she slowly crawled into the bed and snuggled in with her, Katrina’s little body warming more than her chest. She wrapped her up in her arms and held her, smiling as Katrina scooted in a little closer.
It’s not right, Katrina growing up like this. It seems like I never see her anymore, and she’s growing up so fast. All I do is work! I see her for three hours in the morning, and that’s it. I’m missing so much of her life! It’s not fair!
Stella could feel the tears forming as her exhaustion and frustration began to overwhelm her. She pulled her daughter in a little tighter, trying to draw on her for strength. Two more months. All I need is two more months, then my car will be paid for and I can quit the diner and I’ll be able to see her in the evenings, too.
Lying with Katrina in the darkness, the two months seemed like eternity. She’d been working at the diner for a year already, throwing every extra nickel she could scrape up at her car to pay it off as fast as possible so she could quit her extra job. The two remaining months should be easy, but she was so tired. Tired of the thirteen-hour days, tired of having only one day a week off. Tired of bringing Katrina home in the wee hours of the morning and tired of six hours of sleep.
She coughed out a near silent sob as she was overwhelmed with despair. If it weren’t for Grammy, she didn’t know how she would make it. She’d been the one rock like constant in her life, the person she could always depend on.
She’d lost her paternal grandfather when she was fifteen when he died of a massive heart attack. He’d stayed home from work one day, not feeling well, and when Grammy had returned from shopping, she’d found him dead.
Three years later, she’d lost her father. He was performing a routine traffic stop one night when a drunk sideswiped his cruiser and the car he’d stopped, killing him instantly. The incident, captured on the cruiser’s dash camera, had played on the evening news.
Her mother’s family still lived in their native Costa Rica, and Consuela Hayes had been unable to cope. Always a devout Catholic, she had retreated into her religion, seeking to understand how her husband, a good and honorable man, had been so senselessly taken from her. Stella had reacted the opposite, slowly withdrawing from the church, unable to reconcile the church’s teachings with the death of her father. Stella and Consuela’s relationship became increasingly strained and she began spending more and more time with Connie, her Grammy, as the three women struggled with their grief.
Two years after the death of her father, she’d met Gabriel. She’d been at a party with friends when he approached her and asked her to dance. He was handsome and had a bad-boy vibe that she liked, but he wasn’t a complete asshole. They left early and spent hours just talking. When he finally kissed her goodnight at her door she had tingled all the way to her toes. She wanted to invite him in to spend the night but hadn’t, the good girl in her preventing her from taking a man to her bed on a first date, no matter how much she wanted to. After their second date, she did, and it had been magical. She was twenty at the time, and though she wasn’t a virgin, never had it been like that night.
She sniffed quietly and wiped her eyes, her tears done as she remembered and smiled. She was living with a roommate at the time who had a steady. She and Gabriel were in her room when Lynne and Joey arrived home, and they wasted no time before going to her bedroom to start fucking, as well. Stella had heard Lynne and Joey making love before, but with Gabriel pleasing her at the same time, it had turned their passion up to eleven. They harder they fucked, and the louder they got, the harder and louder Lynne and Joey had fucked.
Even though they had started first, she and Gabriel had outlasted her roommate. Joey had left in the middle of the night, but Gabriel had stayed until morning. Stella smile again as she remembered how, after Gabriel left, she and Lynne had compared notes and giggled about the previous night.
The sex had sealed their relationship, and within two months they were steady and exclusive. Nine months after that, when Lynne moved into a place of her own with Joey, Gabriel had moved in with her. In the year they had been dating she had fallen for him, and fallen hard. He was her world and she would do anything for him.
It hadn’t been easy. Gabriel had no real skills other than a strong back and a willingness to work hard, but he was reliable, always willing to go the extra mile, and good with people. He’d gone to work in a masonry yard for more money and more reliable hours, with the hopes of working his way up in the company, and things where looking up.
When the company closed, he’d become despondent and nothing she did could lighten his mood. He was desperate for work, to feel like his was contributing, but every door seemed to be closed to him, which only made him more desperate and dejected.
Her tears returned. She’d finally gotten the break she had been waiting for, a chance to move into the bakery at On A Roll. She loved to bake, and was good at it, and had been lobbying hard for a chance to prove herself. But on the day they should have been celebrating, he had called and dumped her. No explanation, no nothing, only stating he didn’t love her anymore and he wouldn’t be back.
As her tears rolled down her cheek, she gasped softly as she remembered how sick she’d felt, like she’d been kicked in the stomach. She’d begged him to come home, that whatever it was they could work it out, but he had been resolute.
Three days later she’d come home from work to find his clothes gone and his key on the table. She had hoped beyond hope he would change his mind and return and give them another chance, but seeing the key made her realize he was gone forever.
The next three weeks were a blur. Even now she could only remember fragments. She knew she had gone to work each day, and had cried inconsolably in her Grammy’s arms most nights, but that was all she could remember. Then the greatest shock of all came. Katrina.
She was more than a week late on her period before she even realized she was late, and a new panic set in. She was pregnant. She didn’t understand how and though she took the home test, twice, she still couldn’t believe it and had gone to the doctor.
She’d cried again when the test came back positive, uncertain what to do, unable to understand how she could be pregnant when she had been so careful. During the discussion with the doctor she realized it was probably her fault she had gotten pregnant. Though she couldn’t remember for certain, it was possible she had run errands after picking up her pills and had left them in the hot car, which had potentially damaged their effectiveness.
In shock she had told her mother what happened and Consuela had flown into a rage. She hadn’t asked about any sexual relations and Stella had never discussed it with her, not wanting to further strain their already fragile relationship. Consuela had had expressed shock Stella was having sex outside of marriage and disowned her on the spot, wanting to have nothing to do with her daughter or soon to arrive granddaughter, calling Stella a puta and condemning her to infierno. Stella had fled her childhood home and that was the last time she’d seen her mother.
Grammy encouraged her to make amends if possible. It wasn’t right she and her mother shouldn’t be on speaking terms, but every time Stella tried to call Consuela, she never answered and her voicemails were never returned. She’d driven by the house several times but her mother’s car was never home, so she’d finally given up.
As Katrina came to term, Stella had tried again, but a strange voice answered her mother’s number and told her she didn’t know anyone named Consuela. She’d then driven by her parent’s home, only to discover a new family had bought the property and moved in.
She’d called her maternal grandparent and, between her crude Spanish and their rough English, found Consuela was back home in Costa Rica and no longer wished to see her. They were aware of what had happened, and though they didn’t approve of her having sex out of wedlock, they were relieved she hadn’t aborted the child. Before she hung up, they expressed hope she would come to visit them again someday and bring her child.
That was over four years ago, and though she had called twice more, trying to reach her mother though her grandparents, she’d had no luck and finally given up. She hadn’t seen her maternal grandparents since she was a little girl and hoped one day Katrina could visit her great-grandparents, but for now she simply didn’t have the money for airfare.
While Consuela had abandoned her, Connie stepped in and filled the gap. She had gone with her to the delivery room and helped her after she was released from the hospital. She continued to encourage Stella to call Gabriel and tell him he had a beautiful baby girl, and though she had picked up her cellphone many times to do so, she had never pressed send. It would only make a difficult situation worse.
With Connie’s help and steadfast support, Stella had made it through the difficult time and returned to her job at the bakery. She was developing a following for her breads, and June had continued to give her more freedom while increasing her responsibility and pay.
With a sigh, she picked Katrina up and carried her to her room. That was a steadfast rule Grammy had suggested Stella follow…never allow Katrina to sleep with her except when ill. She knew it was sound advice, but sometimes her bed was so lonely and cold, having even Katrina’s small presence was a relief.
She placed Katrina in the bed and covered her, kissing her on the forehead before returning to her own room. She cleaned her face and brushed her teeth, getting ready for bed. She had stopped wondering what might have been between her and Gabriel years ago, but tonight the thoughts intruded again. She shook her head as she watched herself in the mirror.
Girl! You need to stop thinking like that! It’s over! It’s been over for years! There is no more maybe, or should, or could. He made his choice and you’ve moved on. Deal with it!
She spat the toothpaste into the sink and looked at herself again. “Fuck it!” she growled at herself. I’ll see what he wants, let him say what he wants to say, then tell him he can go fuck himself and to leave me alone.
She smiled at herself in the mirror, pleased with her plan. If he showed up again and asked to talk, she would give him what he wanted then tell him to stay the hell away from her.