Chapter Three
I don't know how long I sat on the floor, my back against the door to the house that was meant to be my home but was feeling more and more like a strange and unwelcoming prison with every second. Part of me wanted so much to go out into the compound and look for Bannack so that I could ask him what happened and hope that he could give me some explanation for running away from me like that. Maybe there was an element of his species that I didn't know about that had made him leave. He had asked me if I had read his mind, and he seemed frustrated and almost angry when he asked me. Perhaps there was something more to that question than I had originally thought. If the people of this species could easily communicate with each other through their minds, it was possible that one of them had reached out to Bannack and told him that he was needed somewhere else. The loyalty and sense of duty that came with being a warrior would mean that he felt compelled and inarguably obligated to go where he was needed.
Though it didn't fully explain why Bannack hadn't responded to me when I called for him after he left, or why he didn't simply tell me why he was leaving, telling myself that there could be an explanation behind his sudden departure did soothe me in a way. I still felt hurt and upset, not so much angry as I was simply brokenhearted. I knew that the feelings that had built inside me so intensely happened very quickly, but I had never once felt like they were forced or that I was moving beyond what he was feeling as well. In that moment it struck me that even though I hadn't thought that I was moving too quickly, my understanding of the love and relationship rituals of my own kind was minimal, and I knew absolutely nothing about the relationships of the Denynso. I realized that it was possible that I had offended him in some way, and that thought made me feel sick to my stomach. The idea that in my haste to explore what I was feeling toward him I had pushed my warrior away and ended the possibility that we would ever be together made me wish that I had never come above ground.
I was just beginning to stand up, planning to go to sleep and see how I felt about everything in the light of the morning, when I heard a knock on the door behind me. My heart jumped in my chest. I hoped that it was Bannack, come back to explain what happened and perhaps resume where we had left off. I straightened my dress, smoothed away the last of the tears that were still lingering on my cheeks, and opened the door. As soon as I did, the smile faded from my face. Instead of Bannack standing outside, it was two of the human women that I had met when they came underground with the warriors along with one who had been in the meeting hall when Bannack brought me to meet the king and queen of their people.
The expression on my face must have given away my disappointment at seeing them rather than Bannack because they all narrowed their eyes slightly and looked concerned.
"Is everything alright?" the one I remembered as Zuri asked.
I nodded, trying to muster a smile that would assure them that I was fine.
"Are you sure?" the lovely, rather heavily pregnant one asked.
If it was possible, her belly looked slightly more swollen than when I had first seen her and I could feel that she was tired and somewhat anxious. I could only imagine that carrying a child at all would be stressful, but I had also noticed that there didn’t seem to be any other pregnant women, babies, or children at all throughout the compound. The youngest people I had seen were some of the warriors who looked only a few years younger than me.
"Is there something wrong with the house? Are the lights not turning on?" Zuri asked.
All of the attention coming from them was becoming overwhelming and I felt bombarded even though I knew that they had come to me out of concern and genuine desire to welcome me to the compound. I stepped back and held out a hand to invite them to come inside.
"Everything is fine," I told them, "I haven't turned on any of the lights yet."
The faint light emanating from my skin and the blue glow coming from a luminescent plant across the room filled the space with just enough illumination that I was able to see the women clearly as they came into the room. I crossed to one of the lamps sitting on a low table that was similar to the types of lights that I had down in the mirrored realm and touched its base, hoping that it would turn on, which it did. The new light in the room seemed to put the women slightly more at ease and they all came further into the room.
They didn't want to say it, and they tried very much to be as subtle as they could, but they were all scrutinizing me closely as they approached. Though they were happy to welcome me into the compound and do whatever they could to help me assimilate, they were also somewhat wary of me, an emotion that each carried in a slightly different way.
I could feel that Zuri focused heavily on the way that I looked, identifying the differences between us and feeling at once uncomfortable and guilty about that feeling. The image of Ero, a man I assumed to be her mate, flickered through her mind and the discomfort eased. Leia, the smallest of the women, was fascinated by my differences, but also carried a sense of defensiveness and distance that came from dark memories of the first time she encountered a species that was not her own, dark memories that she shielded closely within her.
The pregnant woman was the most difficult. She was at the same moment the one who seemed most willing to welcome me and the most nurturing, but also the most hesitant. Carrying the child within her had heightened both her natural sense of curiosity and desire to learn about the world around her, but also of fear and suspicion. I could sense that as much as she wanted to think of me as just another woman who had found her way into the Denynso compound, she was also nervous about encountering another species that she didn't understand and that she had had no time to learn to trust.
This was perhaps the most difficult part of being around other creatures again. When I was alone I had no one's emotions to contend with but my own. I could feel and experience only what was impacting me at that moment and work through them in the way that was right for me. When I was with others, I could feel and experience what they did, forcing me to acknowledge their true impressions of me and of the world around them. While it was possible for me to control it and block myself from reflecting the thoughts and feelings of others, I had never built that skill when I was younger and now it was an incredible challenge for me to not tune in to others when I was struggling with my own emotions. This meant that right when I was at my most vulnerable, my mind betrayed me and allowed even more emotion in, often putting me in painful, difficult moments when I was at my least capable of tolerating them.
"I'm Eden," the pregnant woman said, stepping toward me cautiously, "I don't think that I've introduced myself yet."
"Hello," I said, "I'm Loralia."
"I know. We just wanted to come see you and let you know that we're excited that you decided to stay with us. There aren't enough ladies around here."
The three women laughed and I felt myself smile. Despite their hesitance, it was nice to hear that they were happy that I was there.
"Thank you."
"We know what it's like to leave the home you've always known and suddenly become a part of the Denynso," Eden continued, "and we want you to know that we're here for you and we're looking forward to spending time with you while Bannack is gone."
She gave me a soft hint of a knowing smile, but I couldn't even force one back at her.
"What do you mean while Bannack is gone?" I asked, barely able to push the words through the hard lump forming in my throat.
Eden, Zuri, and Leia looked struck and exchanged glances.
"He didn't tell you?" Leia asked.
"No."
"He is leaving with the warriors."