Adrien
The hair on the back of Adrien’s neck stood up as he felt the heavy presence of other bodies in his room. Several bodies. He turned in his bed where he’d been spending every moment of his spare time, buried in a mass of tangled sheets and his comforter, hiding from the world.
The faint smell of Micah’s scent on the sheets had faded days ago, but Adrien’s brain hadn’t processed that fact, and he clung to the crumpled linens, trying to hold on to a little piece of the man he loved…and lost.
Yes, loved. He’d fallen for Micah, but now Micah didn’t want anything to do with him and Adrien’s world had fallen apart. His heart had wobbled as he’d watched Micah walk away a week ago while his throat filled with unspoken words.
Don’t go.
I’m sorry.
Stay.
I love you.
His heart had trailed behind Micah. But his fear, insecurity, and his family’s words had kept his butt rooted to that damn porch swing. He didn’t know how long he’d sat outside, but he’d eventually realized he couldn’t feel his body. Numbness had set it. If it was from the cold or the shock of loss and the humiliation of his confession to his family, Adrien didn’t know.
He’d stumbled to the outside entrance of his basement apartment after that, not wanting to see or talk to anyone, and he’d been avoiding his family ever since.
But despite not wanting to see the Darlings, especially Gabe, Adrien could hardly stand his own company. He’d destroyed the one thing that had made him feel human and whole in years—his relationship with Micah. He hated himself for it.
Every corner of the basement held the memory of what he’d lost. The way Micah’s sweet kind spirit had filled the space with light, love, and hope. And then he’d recalled the way Micah’s eyes had filled with hurt, the way the corners of his mouth had drooped at Adrien’s fearful admission. Micah’s face had fallen and Adrien had immediately been assailed by devastation at causing that pain.
Each time he thought about it, a sharp burning heat seared him from his belly to his throat, and he gasped for breath, overwhelmed by the pain. Seeing Micah at the coffee shop made it worse. Being around anyone from his family made him angry.
So, he’d hid himself away. Avoiding his family and his own feelings of loss and desolation. The New Year had passed in a blur, and it felt just the same as the year before. Dark. Lonely. Bleak.
Adrien had held his family at bay, saying he had a migraine when they’d asked him to come upstairs and count down with them. But apparently his time was up, because his entire family, with the exception of Margot, was scattered around his bedroom, their eyes trained on him worriedly.
What were they doing here?
Adrien sat up against the headboard, running a hand through his unkempt hair, suddenly a little self-conscious. His eyes were gritty with sleep, and as he crossed his arms, running his palms along his forearms, he grimaced at the grubbiness.
When was the last time he’d showered? He couldn’t remember. He’d made it into work, but much of the past week had gone by in a haze.
“Son…” His father’s hesitant voice drew Adrien’s attention. “It’s late and you didn’t come to brunch. We’re worried about you,” Tommy Darling said as he gingerly sat at the edge of Adrien’s bed, wringing his hands.
“Yes, we are. You’ve been drifting around like a ghost. Avoiding us. Hiding whenever you aren’t working,” Marla added quietly from where she stood at the foot of the bed.
Well, that was appropriate Adrien thought to himself. He’d faded to a washed-out version of himself, and when he worked at the shop, it was as if someone else was there entirely as he watched from above. Adrien had dimmed to nothing. He didn’t know if he wanted to be fully present. The pain was just too much.
“Adrien, are you even listening?” Erica’s testy voice cut through his musings from the direction of the door. “God, it’s not even sinking in,” she said worriedly. “Do we need to get him some help? Maybe take him to a…a facility?” His sister’s broken question made Adrien’s head jerk as he glared at her, frustration bubbling up.
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here, Erica. I’m fine.” Heartsore. Lonely. But fine. “I’m not crazy because I want to be left alone and need some space. I just don’t have the energy to deal with all of you.” Adrien gestured in the general direction of his family.
It was true. His limbs and muscles felt heavy and limp most of the time, and the thought of having to field questions about Reggie and listen to their disapproval of Micah made him want to hide indefinitely. Holing up in his bed was the next best thing.
“Jesus, why can’t you just let me be depressed in peace?” he shouted.
“We let you do that for a whole year after Reggie died. And before he died, when we saw you distancing yourself, we didn’t ask questions or say anything. You suffered in silence. We’re not taking that chance again,” Marla said firmly. “We’ve left you in peace far too often. We want to be here for you. To help. Talk to us, son.”
Adrien laughed, running a hand over his face then scratching the scruff that had grown along his jaw.
“I think you’ve all helped me plenty. With your opinions of me. Your opinions of my boyfriend—no—ex-boyfriend. What do you want me to say? Huh? That you’re all right about me? About Micah? That I’m a naïve, trusting moron, and he’s only interested in me for what I can give him? Okay fine, you’re all probably right. And now we aren’t together anymore. So you don’t have to worry. Now, just—back off. Leave me alone.” His chest collapsed and his deep gravelly voice tapered off as his anger ebbed and despair flooded in. He hoped his words would push his family away, make them leave. His dad just came closer, picking up Adrien’s limp hand.
“Oh, son. I’m so sorry. We aren’t worried about you dating Micah. And I’m honestly sorry if what happened at your mom’s party drove a wedge between the two of you. We could all see how happy he made you. Ever since the two of you got involved, I’ve seen glimpses of the old Adrien. We’re all a little protective, especially now that we know about Reggie. But, son, I’ve never seen you like this before. You’ve never grieved like this after a breakup. We were scared that you—that you might…” Tommy trailed off, his eyes falling to their joint hands.
Adrien’s heart faltered as he filled in the blanks of the words his father couldn’t utter.
“Dad…” It took a moment but Tommy’s gaze drifted up slowly, meeting Adrien’s. “I’m not going to hurt myself. Okay? I haven’t even thought about it.”
That much was true. Adrien’s brain could barely sort through the process of getting to work and making drinks. The thought of taking such drastic action hadn’t occurred to him. But he could also see why the faces around the room were masks of apprehension and alarm.
Adrien hadn’t even mourned the loss of his fiancé so deeply, though now they understood why. But losing Micah was crippling, like losing the function of a critical organ or limb, and Adrien felt the difference in every inch of his being. But he couldn’t carry on like this.
If he’d scared his family this much, he’d probably also made his staff worry. He had to pull himself together even if he didn’t see a way forward at the moment. He’d figure it out. He always did.
Squeezing Tommy’s hand, Adrien scanned the room, meeting everyone’s eyes to try to reassure them that he really was fine. But when he met Gabe’s stare, his older brother’s eyes skittered away, full of guilt. A pang of resentment hit Adrien, but he pushed it down. Because honestly, what did it matter now? Micah was done with him.
It was time to start picking up the pieces and moving on, like he always did. He hoped the family intervention was over, but of course, he wasn’t that lucky.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” Marla started hesitantly, “but I’m so sorry that you felt like you couldn’t come to us about the abuse. It’s our fault that you kept things hidden from us—”
Adrien shook his head, dismayed that his family would feel in any way responsible for Reggie’s actions.
“No, Mom—” Adrien began but Marla held up a hand.
“Let me finish, Adrien.”
Adrien swallowed and gave a single jerk of his head.
“We were judgmental. Careless with our words. It was unfair to you and it hurt you. It was wrong to make you think you are anything less than the smart, successful, capable, strong man that you are. We’re all so proud of you, Adrien, and we should have done a better job of telling you that we love you, we trust your judgment, and we support you no matter what choices you make.”
Adrien quickly looked around the room at the nodding heads, and his vision blurred as moisture seeped from his nose. The cold ball that had been lodged in his core since after Marla’s party melted some. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed to hear that. How much the way his family viewed him impacted how he viewed himself. He just wished he’d known sooner. Adrien dropped his head.
“Is there any possibility of reconciliation?” Gabe’s voice shook, and he sounded unsure.
Adrien snapped his head up, his vision clear now. He took in his brother’s face, full of regret.
“No. There’s no chance.”
Gabe blanched and looked away, and Adrien fought harder to push down his bitterness. If only Gabe had kept his mouth shut. If only he’d had this conversation with his family before. Then Adrien sighed. This outcome was probably inevitable, with or without Gabe’s meddling.
And now it was too late.
Promising his family that he’d meet them upstairs after he showered, Adrien rose from his bed and headed for the bathroom as his family filed out. Gabe’s question about reconciliation ran through his mind as he bathed.
What Gabe didn’t know was that Adrien had already tried to fix things with Micah. At the time, he still hadn’t been sure that he could trust his own judgment. But the need for Micah was so strong it trumped any sense of self-preservation he had, and by the time he and Micah had a shift together again after Marla’s party, Adrien had been anxious to smooth things over.
That night on his parents’ porch, he had regretted his words from the moment they’d left his mouth, but when Micah wouldn’t return any of his texts or calls after Marla’s party, he thought the man just needed space. He hoped that by the time they worked together again Micah would be willing to hear him out. Micah called in sick the day after the party so Adrien had to wait several days to see him again. Adrien approached Micah during his break when the two of them had their first shift together since the party.
“I don’t want to have this conversation here, Adrien,” Micah had said quietly when Adrien had caught him alone in the breakroom. “We do need to talk, but not now. After our shift?”
Adrien had nodded slowly, wondering how the hell he wouldn’t lose his mind over the next several hours, but he’d made it through, though he’d been jumpy and besieged with apprehension about what Micah was thinking the entire time.
Did he hate Adrien?
Would he forgive him?
Was he hurting just as much as Adrien?
Did Micah miss him?
His mind had tumbled with anxious thoughts, and he’d fucked up several drinks. He’d been a bundle of shaking nerves by the end of the night.
They’d cleaned in silence, and when Adrien emerged from the office after counting the tills and storing them along with the deposit in the safe, Micah had been standing in the middle of the shop with his coat on, his hands shoved in his pockets.
His face looked thinner, the stubble on his jaw was thicker than usual, and he had purplish bruises under his eyes. Micah looked worse than he had that first day he’d walked into Bright Bean, humiliated and beaten down from endless rejection. A knot formed in Adrien’s belly at the sight. He’d done that to Micah. He hated himself for it. He just hoped Micah would let him fix it. Hoped Micah would let him walk him home.
But Micah was unmoved by Adrien’s apologies and explanations. Adrien could see the fear beneath Micah’s shuttered look. Adrien wanted to coax him from behind his safety perimeter, hold his hand through the fear. But Micah had trusted him once, and Adrien had let him down, abandoned him like everyone else in his life.
“You made me feel things, hope for things I never thought were possible for myself, Adrien. I was lonely before, but I was okay. I think I might be able to get through this, but only if you give me the space to pull my shit together.”
Adrien’s breath punched out of his chest, and he heaved, trying to keep at bay the sickness rising up his throat. Micah wanted Adrien to leave him alone.
“I can’t risk letting you hurt me again. If you hurt me again, you’ll break me. I love you. I love you so fucking much, but I can’t take the chance.” Micah’s eyes revealed a little of his tender insides to Adrien as he spoke, but then they quickly shuttered again. Adrien should have been whooping with joy—Micah loved him too. Instead, the admission was a death knell.
“I’ve got to think about more than me,” Micah continued. “I need this job, for Caleb. And with my record, it’s going to be hard to find something else. I know it will be awkward, but I’m hoping we can just hit the reset button, go back to how things were before. At least until I find something new.”
Adrien’s insides shattered at those words. Something new?
No! Adrien screamed inside. He wanted to beg Micah not to look for a new job. Wanted to beg for a second chance. But he just nodded dumbly, his throat too tight to speak. And before Adrien could construct a response, Micah was gone, mumbling something about heading to a bar and not being able to walk home with Adrien.
Five minutes later, Adrien was still standing in the same spot in the middle of his store when the confusion and worry around his relationship with Micah resolved with acute clarity; the bad decision hadn’t been taking a chance on Micah, it had been letting Micah go.