The situation with Brian has really been weighing on me. He wasted no time getting the agreements to my attorney with a message that he would pay all the court fees once I made a decision. Jesse and I took some time this weekend to discuss the two options and, of course, he was supportive of either one. Part of me wants to make the decision for Jason because I don’t think it’s fair to put him in this predicament. However, I don’t want him to hate me because his father is no longer part of his life. Truthfully, if it were up to me, I would walk away and not look back. He has hurt us and it’s time to move on, but I won’t do that to Jason, not without talking to him first.
“Babe, relax,” Jesse says as I pace the living room waiting for the boys to get home. They have practice tonight, but I’m going to take Jason to dinner and talk with him, then meet Jesse and the kids at the field. Grace is already home, so that means the boys are due here any minute.
“I’m sorry. I’m nervous. I’ve gone over this conversation in my head a million times, and I just want to know how Jason feels. I can’t take it anymore.”
The bus pulls up, and the boys come running into the house as animated as ever. “Jason, go put your bag in your room, grab your football bag, and come back down.”
“Okay,” he slowly draws out and side-eyes me. He has no idea this is coming.
He comes back downstairs, and I usher him out of the house and straight to the car without a word. I’m shaky and nervous because I really don’t know how to tell him about the options his father has given other than to lay it all out for him. I pull out of the driveway and say, “We’re going to get dinner together and talk, okay?”
“Sure.” He puts his earbuds in and stares out the window. His brows furrow as he gets lost in the beat of his music.
We pull up to the hot dog stand beating the dinner rush.
It’s early, but not uncommon for us to eat shortly after school. Between their early lunch schedule and football, it’s become our routine. “Come on.” We climb out, and I point to the park across the street. “You know your dad and I used to hang there when we were in high school.”
“Oh yeah? Jesse too?”
“Yeah, Jesse too. As a matter of fact, I met Josephine right at that same park. She brought me home from here one day.” I look at the ground and back up at my son. “It was one of the many days I should’ve seen that your father didn’t treat me the best. He left me there with Jesse. He had no care for how I would get home. Now mind you, my mom was supposed to come get me, but she was running late, and he just got in the car with his mom and drove off. But that’s not why we’re here. Let’s grab our food and we can sit and talk.”
“Is this the famous hot dog stand that Gabe keeps talking about?”
I laugh. “It sure is, and you can get whatever you want.”
He says, “I want two hot dogs with ketchup.”
“Like mother, like son.”
We step up to the window, and there’s a young girl working. “What can I get you?”
“We’ll have three hot dogs with ketchup.” I turn to Jason. “What kind of chips do you want?”
“BBQ, of course.”
I laugh. “Two bags of BBQ chips and two chocolate milks please.”
“Coming right up,” the girl says.
A minute later there’s two small boxes in the window holding our food. We each grab one and take a seat at one of the picnic tables set up behind the shack.
“So I spoke to your dad.”
“Yeah, what did he have to say?”
“Well, he knows we’re living at Jesse’s house.” I pause a second.
“Let me guess, he’s mad.”
I shrug. “I’m not sure mad is the right word. I can tell you that we’re both tired of fighting over the divorce, and he wasn’t happy with the agreement my attorney sent him, so he sent two different ones back. He wants me to pick one and sign it.”
“Okay.” The word comes out like it’s no big deal and I should just choose.
“Jason, these agreements involve you and your relationship with your father. Part of me wants to pick the option that I think is best for you, and part of me wants to discuss it with you. You’re almost twelve now, and you have a right to know what is happening with your father, so here we are discussing it. There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just going to lay it all out for you, and you can tell me how you feel.” I take a bite of my hot dog as does he.
“These are good, Mom.”
“I agree.” I wipe my face with a napkin. “Option one, your father sees you when he has time, and he’ll continue to support you financially.”
“Option two?” he asks.
“He sells the house keeping all the profit from the sales in exchange for Melinda dropping the assault charges against you. He will stop seeing you and will give up his rights to you.”
His eyes instantly well with tears. He looks to the sky trying to keep them at bay, but it’s no use. Seeing him go through this breaks my heart. The tears I’ve kept under control are threatening to spill down my face. “Why would he want to do that? I don’t understand why he is doing this. I didn’t lay a hand on her. I don’t like her for what she did, but I didn’t do this,” he says, fighting the lump in his throat as his tears spill over.
I wrap my son in a hug, and he rests his head on my chest. “I wish I knew, buddy. Trust me, I believe you. We can fight this if you want and prove your innocence, but do you want to go through that?” Tears continue running down his cheeks and now I feel bad we’re in the open. It isn’t easy to hear your father wants nothing to do with you. “Now you see why I wanted to talk with you?” He nods again. “I needed you to know that it is him who is making these demands, and not me.” Placing my hands on his cheeks I force him to look me in the eyes. “We’re too close for something like this to come between us, and I didn’t want to make this decision on my own. I have always told you that we’re a team, and nothing will ever change that. We fight this as a team, or we let him go as a team. I do need you to know that there’s an upside.”
He sniffles, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “There is?”
“Yes, you have Jesse’s support no matter what you chose.” He looks at the sky still fighting his tears yet again.
“This is hard.” He exhales a deep breath.
“I know and I’m not telling you that you have to decide right now, because you don’t. If you don’t want to make the decision, I won’t make you. I’ll decide for you, but I felt we needed to at least have the discussion.”
“I guess I can’t get past the fact he would give me up.”
“I know, because there’s nothing on this earth that would keep me from you, Jason, and I am quite confident Jesse feels the same way. He’s already told me he’s ready to be a father to you.”
He looks at me with his brows furrowed. “Really?” he asks.
“Really. He loves you just as much as he loves me. He wants us all to be one big, happy family.”
He chuckles. “That’s cool. You know, Mom, it may be upsetting that he’s willing to give me up, but I’m okay with whatever you decide. No matter how much I’ve called and asked him to pick me up, he ignores me and now this?”
“That was kind of my thought.” I nudge him. “Can you keep a secret?”
He shrugs. “I guess.”
“I wasn’t going to tell you this part because we wanted to tell you all together, but I think given the news you just got, it’s important you realize how much you’re loved.”
“What is it?” he asks.
“Jesse wants to adopt you,” I say with a smile.
“Really?” He sounds slightly excited.
“Really. Now don’t go saying anything, because we have some things to do before that can happen. I just thought it was important that you realize that just because your father is walking away doesn’t mean you will go without.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Pinky promise you won’t say anything.”
“I pinky promise.” He links his finger with mine and pulls me into a hug. “Can I ask you a question, Mom?”
“Of course.”
“How do you know you’re making the right decision?”
I shrug. “You go with your gut and hope it works out for the best. Sometimes it’s the right decision, and sometimes you discover you screwed up.”
“What if Dad’s screwing up?”
“Then he has to man up and figure out how to fix it. If, and when, the time comes, it will be up to you to decide what happens. I’ve decided there’s nothing he can say to fix things between us. I love Jesse and know I’m in the right place. However, even if Jesse adopts you, biologically Brian is still your father. You’ll have to decide if you want to hear him out and make a decision.”
“I think it’s kind of cool that Jesse wants to adopt me.”
“Me too. Jesse and I were really close in high school and when I look back, I know I should’ve given him a chance, but I’m glad I didn’t.”
“Why?” He sounds shocked. “Dad wouldn’t have been able to hurt you.”
“You’re right, but I also wouldn’t have you, and you’re worth all the hurt your father put me through.”
He smiles. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Thanks for being an awesome son. Now let’s get to practice.”
We pull up to the field, and as soon as we’re out of the car Jason runs down to where Jesse, Gabe, Grace, and Josephine are waiting for us. Jesse is passing the ball with Gabe but stops when he sees us coming. Jason runs straight to Jesse and says, “Thank you.” My eyes well with tears as does Jesse’s. He knows exactly what my son is thanking him for. Jesse wraps him in a hug and pats him on the back.
“Why don’t you pass the football with Gabe.” Jason throws his pads and practice jersey on then the two boys run off.
“I take it things went well.”
“He was quite upset at first, but we talked it out and I’m confident he will be okay with my decision. I did tell him what we discussed, though. I felt I had to so he would know he’s not alone and that he has our love and support.”
“I figured as much when he thanked me. I almost lost it.”
“I noticed.” I hug my man. “Now go have a good practice with your boys.” I hope he catches that I mean Gabe and Jason, because soon Jason will be officially his, and I can’t wait.