It was a week after New Year’s when Mary and Jack asked me to join them at their last doctor’s appointment. Mary had this idea of me being at her side when she gave birth, and despite the numerous ways in which I tried to decline, I lost. I didn’t think that I was close enough to the two of them to be in the room, nor did I have much experience with childbirth, but what did I know? This family welcomed me with open arms the moment they found me and made me part of their lives. I once thought that Pace was the only place I could live, but there was something to be said about a home that felt safer than the rest of the world. Xavier’s home was that sanctuary for me, without danger, and it felt secure.
The doctor talked about a birth plan. From labor pain management to breathing techniques to measuring contractions… and then at the end of it all, the doctor concluded that Mary should stay flexible with the plan altogether — in case something came up. Why plan at all, then? I didn’t think that one could map out the birth process in so much detail. My birth plan had included one goal: to give birth to a healthy baby. It seemed that Mary’s goal was the same, but the hassle she was putting herself through to reach it made a simple process the most complicated one I’d ever seen.
Then there was the talk of an epidural. That alone made me feel queasy. Why would anyone agree to having a needle stuck into their spine? That sounded much more painful than the birth itself. The amount of information was overwhelming.
When I was pregnant with Mikey, all I knew was that it would be difficult and it would hurt like a thousand bulls slamming into you all at once. It did hurt; but the moment I saw that little face and instantly fell in love, I knew the pain was worth it.
Some girls in town bit down on a rug to relieve the pain. I’d heard of other ones getting a shot of tequila in the final stages, but a needle?
I shook my head as Mary smoothed her hand over her ripened stomach. Mary chose to leave her options open, and I was so proud of her. Her due date was fast approaching, and while I thought she had everything ready, Mary didn’t think so. The shopping wouldn’t stop, and neither would the panicking that she’d be a bad mother.
I told Jack that I was worried about her stress levels, and today, after the doctor’s appointment, we agreed to spend the day with Mary with the aim of keeping her calm and relaxed.
Just as we sat down at a café table a block away from the doctor’s office, Mary got up and excused herself to the bathroom. Jack received a phone call on the rectangular cell phone and almost immediately hung up. His only words were yes, no, and the café’s address. I had a feeling that our plan for a stress-free day was going to fail, but maybe I was wrong…
“Thank you for being so good to Mary,” Jack said.
“It’s me who should be thanking you. You both have done so much for me. I just can’t understand why.”
“What’s so difficult to understand?”
“I’m a stranger.”
He laughed and relaxed back on the seat. “Would you leave a nearly dead girl you found in an alley to die?”
“No.”
“Then you have your answer.”
“But I’m all better now. You don’t have to be so nice.”
“It’s too late for that. We’re friends now, and friends look out for each other.” Jack made a funny gesture with his finger, like he was pointing out an important fact and I needed to pay extra attention. It made his young face look mature. It did force me to look up at him. He had a few of those funny gestures: scratching himself on a beard he didn’t have, or giving his thoughts an extra three seconds of time to marinate before he spoke. It made him look “old school” in a sexy way.
“Thank you. I don’t know how, but I want you to know that I’ll find a way to repay you.”
“Friends also don’t keep a count of good deeds. They do them because they want to. It’s not a competition, and no one’s keeping score. You’re well and your baby is well. I’m just happy and grateful to be in a position to help you.”
“No one’s more grateful than I am. I don’t know what it is about you, Jack, but I feel like we’ve met in a past life.”
He stilled for a moment, regarding me, making that ‘older face’ again. “Me too, Anna. You’re exactly what we needed in our busy lives. You help us pause, take a break, and look around more often.”
“How?”
“You take time to live – I mean, really live – in the moment, no matter what the circumstance. When you eat a simple dinner, you enjoy it as if it were the best one you’ve ever had. You do that each time you eat, and your meals become this new adventure. What I’m trying to say, Anna, is that I found you with nothing, and yet you gave us everything.”
I felt my cheeks heat. John must have been praying hard back in Pace for me to have been gifted these amazing people in my life.
Just as I was about to reply, I saw a silhouette walking toward us. My first instinct to hide vanished as soon as I saw that it was Xavier. I stood up to greet him, my insides humming with sudden happiness. I glued myself against his body and didn’t want to let go. He’d held me so many times over the past two months, soothing my aching heart with courageous words that I’d gotten used to his arms around me.
“Xavier, you’re here.” His embrace warmed me in an instant, and I let go. There was tension in his body. I pulled away, taking another look at his face. Was it his work? Did he have some trouble while away?
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“All right. Is everything okay with you?” I replied, just as Jack stood up and glanced at his watch.
“Excuse me while I check on Mary.”
He pushed away from the table and left, a wave of concern following him. I sat back down at the table, and Xavier took the seat next to me.
“You and Jack have a special relationship. Should I be jealous?” he asked.
Had I read him wrong, or was he just that good at hiding? Where was the worry drawn on his face coming from?
“Thou shall not commit adultery,” I tried to joke through the tension. “I’ve made the mistake twice in my life, and I’m not going to make it again.”
“You had sex with married men?”
“No, of course not. That’s not all that adultery is.”
“What else is there?” He grinned, somewhat fascinated with the route the conversation was taking.
“I thought you were Catholic,” I said.
“Non-practicing, yes.”
I shook my head at him. There was still so much to teach him. “Adultery includes sleeping before marriage. Besides, I consider Jack like an older brother.”
“Oh, please.” He rolled his eyes, way over dramatically, and I laughed. Xavier glanced at me from the side. “So you won’t sleep with me unless we’re married?”
“I didn’t say that either.” I bit my lip. I had no idea what had gotten into me. We’d joked before, but not at this level. I was in grief. I’d lost my baby and been given hope at the same time. How could you bind such deep sorrow and happiness together? I couldn’t. There was no balance for either. I was confused about my stay on this side of the country, yet grateful at the same time. I could feel a shift in the air and sensed an imbalance, but I didn’t know why. Yes, I was changing, but it wasn’t just the pregnancy, was it?
It must be the hormones.
“Anna, you’re asking for it,” Xavier warned.
“I won’t sleep with you because I’m engaged to another man whose child I’m carrying.” I made sure my words were slow and to the point, but not hurtful. Xavier was attracted to me, he’d made that obvious, but I shouldn’t have been leading him on, either.
“So, if you weren’t engaged, you’d actually consider it?” he asked.
“I guess you’ll never know.”
There it was again, that irresistible way Xavier made flirting with him so easy and simple. He made me feel… happy. For a moment, he managed to make that pain and sorrow I’d always felt go away.
“You’re a vixen, that’s what you are, Anna Williams.”
I laughed, removing the bumblebee shades from my eyes. The seventies might have been over, but Mary was stuck in the decade and insisted I use them as cover.
“You’re back early. How was your trip?”
“I went to Pace.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry. No one saw me.”
“How is that possible? And why? Why would you risk it? You’ve met Ben. You know how he is.” My heart was beating fast and hard. I felt sweat collect at my hairline, and then cold shivers passed over me.
“Anna, honey. You need to calm down. Stress is not good for the baby.”
Baby. My baby.
I gently rubbed my stomach and felt her kick against my palm. The connection I felt to my baby at that instant calmed me. I was doing this for her. Everything was for her because her safety was the most important thing. Sometimes I regretted taking it that far with Ben. Maybe I shouldn’t have burned his house down, never mind stealing the fifty million. But I was struck with this enormous grief and pain. It had replaced the blood in my veins with vengeance, and I could barely remember much of that day any longer. The more time passed, the more my memories faded. They were still there in my horrendous dreams, but it was as if my mind was truly trying to forget the past life I had and concentrate on the future.
I tried to concentrate on John’s and my baby. She was my everything now.
I waved my hand in front of my face. The minimal waves of air helped. “I’m okay. Now tell me about Pace.”
Xavier’s face took on that mature look I was more used to seeing on Jack’s face. “I don’t know how, but we should set up a meeting for you and John.”
“You saw him?”
“Yes. I saw him at church. He was in a deep prayer.”
I smiled. Yes, that was definitely John. I knew he’d been praying hard for me.
“How was he?”
Xavier’s gaze shifted to the side, and I knew that he didn’t have good news. I felt my heart thump and the little one kick at the same time.
“Sad. He looked almost lost, Anna. I think I saw him sobbing.”
My throat tingled with that funny sensation. I pressed my lips together to prevent my chin from shaking.
“When I saw him bearing so much pain, I almost talked to him.”
I gasped.
“But I didn’t. I left him a note in the rectory. I wrote that quote from your parents’ crypt.”
“Xavier, thank you so much. Thank you!” I threw my arms around his neck. It was the first time since I left Pace that I knew that John knew I was trying to reach him.
Xavier gently pulled away. “I don’t want to upset you, but I really do care for you, and I want you and the baby to be safe and happy. You’re not happy without John. The man I saw back in Pace was utterly broken. I wanted to tell him about you so badly.”
“But you didn’t.” I confirmed. My voice was barely a whisper. One part of me wished that he had, but another part, the one that feared for the life of my baby, wanted to remain hidden from everyone. John would have come for me. He would have searched for me until he found me, if he thought that was the best decision. Since he wasn’t looking, I trusted that the best decision was for him to stay in Pace. Ben would have followed him everywhere from the moment he realized I was gone.
“Anna, I don’t know why, but something was off about John.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I mean, you obviously love him, and I can’t imagine him not loving you back. But what puzzles me is that he hasn’t left Pace to look for you. He hasn’t even made an effort. If you were mine, I would have moved heaven and earth to find you. I think John’s looking out for you as well, but he’s doing so in a different way. Through prayer. I heard him pray, and I’ve never overheard the profoundly deep words that he spoke from anyone in my life. I truly believe that they were from his heart. He’s looking out for you, but differently. With God’s help.”
It was because John thought that God would help me better than anyone else could. And he was right. With the help of his prayer, I’d found Mary, Jack, and Xavier.
“That’s the way John shows love,” I said.
“I don’t know, Anna. John looked like he was in grief. Deep grief.”
“It’s only been three months since we lost our son. Of course he’s grieving. We’ll both be grieving for a long time. I just have to take a little pause, so that I don’t stress our baby.”
“I know what the loss of a child feels like. This was deeper.”
I couldn’t imagine anything deeper, so what Xavier was saying wasn’t making much sense.
“It was something else, and I couldn’t figure out what it was.”
My heart ached. Had I made a mistake? Have I stayed away from John too long? I needed him so much and I knew that he needed me as well.
“He was grieving.” I whispered.
“He was more than grieving, Anna. He looked like he reached his limit. He looked like he was ready to give up on life.”
In that instant, I could see how wrong I’d been. I’d been in New York for too long. My baby deserved her father. That was the moment I knew I had to do whatever I could to set things right between me and John. I had to go back.
“There’s something else, Anna.”
My head flew up. I waited for the second bomb that was about to drop. At least that’s what I anticipated from the somber look on Xavier’s face.
“Ben’s spreading rumors around town that Mikey was his.”
I swallowed through my tight throat and waved my hand, dismissing Xavier’s comment. Except the words had already managed to seep into that part of my heart I’d sealed off from the world. That part that belonged only to Mikey. And I knew that Xavier saw the lie on my face.
“Anna, for what it’s worth, if I were in your shoes, I’d have made sure that Ben was in his house when you burned it down. That’s what he deserves.”
I swept the stray tear away from my eye. I loved Mikey, and John had loved him too. “I know. I believe you.”
“That’s why I think you should go back, but after the baby’s born.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I need to go back now.”
“That’s impossible now. The journey for someone in your condition…”
I leaned in to him. “I rode for a thousand miles in a hidden compartment of a rusted pick up truck. I’m sure I can manage anything else you have in mind.”
“It’s not safe for the baby, and I know you don’t want to risk your little one.”
“Xavier, if that were you praying in that church, waiting for the love of your life to come back, how would you feel if she never showed up?” I didn’t wait for his answer. “I know it’s a lot for me to ask, but if you think there’s any way you can get me in and out of Pace safely, the way you went, I beg you, please help me.”
Xavier let go of a deep breath and gently nodded, “All right. I’ll take you.”
A scream tore through the café, and Jack and Mary came from the back, where the washrooms were. Mary was huffing and puffing. Her face was bright red, and Jack was waving his arms around. Xavier grabbed his phone and dialed for an ambulance.
“I think she’s in labor,” I whispered, feeling my own baby kick at the words.
“Isn’t it early?” Xavier asked.
“Yes, but I think they’ll be okay. I prayed for them this morning.” I touched my hand to my stomach and saw Xavier look at me in bewilderment. I didn’t understand why he looked so lost when he always seemed to be in the right place at the right time.
I also hadn’t expected to receive so much love and care from my new friends and never realized when Jack and Mary had become more than my friends. I would have been honored to call them my family. If only I could have known that my family would one day be torn apart. Maybe if I’d realized that, I wouldn’t have attached myself to them as much.