CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

LYNNE

I’ve woken up more days in my life than I care to count with a dreaded worry that something terrible is going to happen. Although, as many times as my therapist tried to drill it out of my head, it remained there. Front and center and always ready to stab until my entire body clogged up with fear. Dread never failed me. Not through my cancer, my marriage, or the never-ending memories of Tyson that always hit me full force the minute I opened my eyes.

Today is a new day. Dread is no longer a diagnosis ranking my fear as my number one priority. Its persistence is gone. Replaced with a force much more powerful. Anticipation. I’ve worried myself sick over this discovery about drugs. The what ifs. Whatnots. And all that’s in between. I’ve completely stopped worrying over something out of my control and buried in my past. Tyson and I vowed to take our steps forward, and after today, there will be no more looking back.

I’ve dreamt as many times as I’ve fantasized about having the strength to do what I’m about to do. To be able to take on my biggest fear, my largest dread, and put an end to its very existence. I just didn’t know it was going to go down this way.

Tyson has done all of this for me. Making sure nothing is done outside of the book. The one he lives by. The one he took an oath for. He stood by his word, and I know with everything he stands for he will turn Jacob and Joshua into men they will be proud of. A man like him.

There’s no doubt in my mind it’s driving Tyson batshit crazy that I’m sitting in here without him when he knows better than anyone the fear I have. The dread I’ve lived with for years of being alone. Of having walls close in on me the way this tiny room has to be closing in on my mother.

Every part of me knows where he’s heading right now. He’s off to see Richard. To leave a permanent mark on his black soul. To show him that he isn’t above the law. Tyson is the law. The good kind, the serving-the-people-of-your-country kind, and no matter how much revenge you want on a person or how much hatred you withhold in your heart for them, he’s going to make Richard pay in the one way that’s guaranteed to destroy him. A life behind bars.

People may think they are above the law, that they can walk around obliterating lives. Hurting, tainting, and poisoning their minds. They aren’t. No one is. Eventually, it all catches up. Well, today I have a law of my own. And there isn’t anyone in this small, confined room who’s going to stop me.

I’ve done my civic duty by giving a statement regarding Richard to Agent Dietrich, and now as I sit at the long table and gaze into my mother’s pale eyes, I want to laugh hard. So much so that it consumes me. It rips right through me and forces its way out in a childlike giggle.

“I believe I have a say in who comes to visit me. I demand you get them out of here, and in their place, I want my lawyer. What the hell is taking them so long?” she pronounces in her commanding tone to the female agent guarding the door. The same one she always used on me. I turn around and smile at the petite woman who says nothing. She crosses her arms, gives my mother a warning look, and stands her ground. You have no authority here, mother. Oh, and your lawyers, my shit for brains brothers-in-law, are detained. I’m not about to tell her they are being questioned a lot longer than I was. As they should be.

“And I believe you lost your rights to demand anything thirty-one years ago when my child was born. So, the way I see it, you have no say in a Goddamn thing. Not until you’re arraigned. Even then you’ll keep your mouth shut about us being here. And do you know why?” My dad stands, aligns his body, and leans over the table, giving me enough room to see her flinch. “Your life is about to change, Ellen. It isn’t going to be pretty. Where you’re going makes hell look like fun.

“Fuck you, Matthew.”

“We did once, remember? I came here to thank you for it. For giving me the best gift a man could ask for. You are the dumbest bitch to walk this planet. You have no clue what you’re up against, do you? Life behind bars is going to suck for you. You are going to be alone. Far more alone than my daughter was when you left her to fend for herself. You are going to piss and shit in a tiny little steel tank. Take a shower once a day if you’re lucky. Eat food that others will spit in and sleep with one eye open out of fear.” I blink back tears of joy. Laugh once again and lift my brows in a cunning way.

“I said fuck you, Matthew. You don’t scare me. I’ll get out of here, because I know nothing. Richard is a liar. He threatened me for years to keep my mouth shut. And you, you used me that night as much as I used you. How dare you come in here and accuse me of not telling you. What would you have done, huh? Whisked us away? Taken us back to New York to live on a cop’s salary? God, you are as delusional as she is.”

“That’s enough.” I stand, push out of my chair, and ball my fist. My swing comes out of all the pain, the anger, the tears, and the lies. It lands on the side of her head, and I watch her chair topple over, her head landing on the floor with a solid whack.

“You little bitch,” she sneers from her position on the floor. Her hair a wild mess. Face void of makeup and eyes as deranged as she is. “You find this amusing, don’t you, Lynne? The lost little girl who will never have a child of her own. The one who ran away when life became hard. Tell me, darling daughter, the one who fucked up my life, is this how you planned to see this all play out? To see me lying on the floor? Wanting me to grovel, to beg for your forgiveness? If it is, you may as well turn around and crawl back to your piece-of-shit boyfriend who put me here. Back to whatever road will lead you to nowhere in life, because I’m not telling you a thing. I’m not giving you closure. You will wonder why I’ve done the things I did for the rest of your pathetic life.” The chains on her arms rattle as she shifts in her chair, eyes bugging out of her ugly, poisonous head. She looks tired. Worn out and pathetically ragged.

“I can handle her, Dad,” I say when I notice him shift toward the end of the table. “She’s nothing to me anymore. An empty womb, the same as me. The funny thing is, I may not have been blessed to have children of my own. What I do have is love, a life, and a man who loves me. A man who would never cheat on me. A man who will raise two children who aren’t his simply because he wants to. I’m not here for closure. Closure would mean I love you, mother. Which I don’t. I pity you and the lifestyle you’ve led. It’s lonely and full of bullshit. I’ve never wanted anything from you but love. However, how can a person give it when it’s clear they don’t love themselves? What I’m here for is revenge. To sit here and watch you swallow every wrongdoing you have committed in your life. How does it feel, Ellen, to be surrounded by fear? You’re scared, I know you are. You’re also a liar, a thief, and you’ve stolen from me for the last time. Hell will never freeze over, so take my advice before you burn. Surely, you of all people need it when you’re broken. When you don’t have anything left in you to think for yourself. Tell them the truth. Tell them everything you know, and while you sit there in your cell, think about this pathetic daughter of yours. Me. The one who will be free of all the chains you’ve kept around me my entire life. You have nothing left. No money. No friends. No spa days. Not a single soul to help you. Take a look around this room and get used to it. There is nothing in here but gray walls and a black floor. Those are going to become your favorite colors. They suit you well.” I pause and catch my breath. Clarity like I’ve never known before sits on my shoulders and rests there. Comfortably. And even though looking down at the clothes I have on isn’t irrelevant, I find it quite amusing. My jeans are tattered and torn at the knee. My flip-flops obviously belonged to someone who loved bling; they were comfy and ninety-nine cents at Chelsea’s Second-hand Closet. And my favorite piece of clothing is Tyson’s Army t-shirt. It’s big and hangs off my shoulder. If ever I looked like the woman I was meant to be, it’s now.

“You have lost your mind. I should have had them lock you away instead of hoping that you would learn your lesson. That you would see that you can’t make it on your own. You’ve always been weak, Lynne. Always. What makes you think you’ll make it on your own?”

She’s goading me. Wants to see me cry. Well, not this time. This time, I have four reasons to make it on my own. Four people who will stand by and watch me. I’m finally home. My life is bright and cheery. Soon to be full of two children’s laughter, and those children will be mine.

“Jesus Christ, you’re the one who needs to be locked away in a padded room. What the fuck is wrong with you?” my dad says from beside me.

“Shut up, Matthew. This is between my daughter and me. Richard used you the same way he used everyone else. The blind bastard that you are.”

I become enraged. Book or no book, this woman needs to feel me for the rest of her miserable life. I sink down to the dirty floor. Turn my attention to the agent who smirks, turns her head, and looks away. God, I hate this woman. Her face is carved out of stone, the believability in her own philosophy on life dances wildly throughout her icy, storm-filled eyes.

“You listen to me, you crazy bitch.” I grab her by the face and squeeze as hard as I can. “If you cared for anyone besides yourself, you would have taken your children and run. Threats or not. You would have found a way. Richard may have used all of us, but he used you, too. And you let him. You chose him over me, and now, because of your selfishness, you are left alone to pay.” I release her and spit in her face. Stand with the assistance of a man who is far from blind.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You think that those boys won’t turn out to be just like him? They have his blood running through their veins. They were corrupted upon conception. Are you really that desperate? I’m here to warn you that your children will turn on you the first chance they get. You did. You turned on us, for a man. What makes you think they won’t do the same?”

“They may have his blood, but I don’t. Tyson doesn’t. He’ll put them first. I will put them first. My friends will put them first. I will love them beyond anything, and I will never betray them, lie to them, or leave them when they need me the most. That’s how I’ll know. Have a nice life, mother.”

“Lynne. I need your help. You can’t leave me in here. I’m your mother. What about your sisters? You can’t walk away from them. I need to see them. Call them, please.” Beg, Ellen. It’s such a lovely thing to hear.

“You were never my mother. They were never my sisters. You are all dead to me starting now.”

When the door closes behind me, I tell myself it’s the small moments, the soft touches, and a man who has me forgetting all of my pain and suffering from my past, because they love me for who I am. Not for what I can give them.