By the time Seb finally gets to the hospital, I’ve given my preliminary statement to the police, been seen by A&E and told I’m allowed to go home.
‘Sorry it took longer than I expected,’ says Seb. He sits down in the chair next to me. ‘Those developments I mentioned earlier, I’m not sure of the detail, but Chilton is on his way down from Scotland and is going to charge Zoe with Joanne’s murder. Or, so I’ve heard.’
‘If I hadn’t heard it from her myself, I’m still not sure I’d believe she was responsible,’ I say.
‘It won’t entirely rest on your statement, but it will certainly add weight.’
‘Do you know what the other evidence is?’
‘I don’t know the details, but they’ve got some forensic evidence linking her to the murder weapon.’
I sense Seb’s hesitation and guess he’s probably holding back on the detail, trying to protect me. ‘Tell me. I’ll find out sooner or later.’
‘She used a lump of wood to hit Joanne on the head,’ he says carefully. ‘They found traces of blood matching Joanne’s DNA on the wood and a fibre which matched a jumper of Zoe’s.’
‘That was a stroke of luck.’
Seb nods. ‘It happens like that sometimes. It also helps that Tris has decided to save his own arse and cooperate with the police.’
‘To be fair, I don’t think Zoe planned it. And I don’t think Tris had any idea what she was up to.’
There’s a silence that follows and I sense that Seb wants to say something else, but is working out how to do so. Eventually, he speaks. ‘The police found a mobile phone in Zoe’s holdall that she had at your house. You don’t know anything about it, do you?’
‘A mobile phone? No. Why would I?’ I nearly choke on my lie.
‘She had two phones on her. Unregistered. There’s a text message conversation between the two.’
‘Oh?’ I keep my voice level.
‘The tech guys are going to run a cell-site analysis on them. See if they can work out where they’ve been used, that sort of thing.’
I want to tell Seb the truth but something is stopping me. If I tell him, then I’ll have to confess to Alfie being involved. Then they’ll start asking questions and I don’t know if I can keep my nerve. Chilton has already questioned me about the blood on the paddle. I’m sure he has suspicions about my version of events as to what happened in the kayak with Alfie.
‘You know they’ll be able to track back and find out when and where the phone has been used.’ Seb speaks gently, all the time holding my hand and stroking my palm with his thumb.
I look at Seb. I don’t want another relationship based on lies, but if I do as he’s asking the whole world will know how my own son hated me so much, how I was blind to the truth about Darren and Leah Hewitt, how I dismissed claims about Ruby and Darren, and how I taunted my husband and encouraged him to take his own life, even if it wasn’t my intention.
I close my eyes and rest my head against the wall. I’m tired. So very tired. Maybe I should just let the truth come out. Or at least some of it.
‘The phone was Alfie’s. I took it from the croft. I sent those replies. Zoe thought she was texting Alfie.’ Seb nods. He doesn’t look surprised. ‘You’d worked it out,’ I say.
‘I did wonder. Don’t be frightened, Carys. I know how much this hurts you, but it’s not Alfie that will be on trial, it will be Zoe. Alfie had nothing to do with Joanne’s murder or what happened here today.’
I feel a sense of relief that I have told Seb almost everything. I let him lead me out to the car. ‘I don’t want to go home,’ I say as I fasten the seatbelt. ‘Not tonight. I don’t think I can face it.’
‘No problem. We’ll find a hotel room. I’ll give your mum a call and let her know what’s going on. She wanted to see you tonight, but I managed to put her off until tomorrow.’
‘Thanks. I’ll give her a call. Tomorrow, can you take me to see Alfie?’
‘Sure.’
The doctors tell me Alfie’s condition has stabilised with no sign of improvement. They use the term ‘unresponsive wakefulness syndrome’, which is a new name for being in a vegetative state. He has lost awareness of himself and his external surroundings.
‘I’m sorry, we can’t tell you any more than that right now,’ says the doctor.
I thank her and she leaves me and Seb alone in the medical room with Alfie.
‘I’m so sorry,’ says Seb.
‘I need a few minutes alone with Alfie,’ I say.
‘Sure. I’ll wait for you in the coffee room.’ He kisses my cheek before leaving.
I move closer to Alfie. He is breathing on his own but is wired up to monitors and other medical equipment.
‘I’m sorry, Alfie,’ I whisper, taking his hand and holding it in mine. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t able to bring you up to know right from wrong, that I wasn’t able to steer you along the path to happiness. But most of all I’m sorry I left you in this state.’ I wipe the tears from my cheeks. ‘I never knew you had heard me that morning when I argued with your dad. I never meant what I said. It was in the heat of the moment. I never for one moment believed he would carry out his threat. He’d threatened me before and I thought I’d call his bluff. I got that so very wrong. If I could turn back time, I’d give anything to change what I said that morning. I truly would.’
For a second, I think I see Alfie’s eyes flutter. I freeze, studying his face intently, looking for any movement of his lashes, a twitch from his face, even a small movement of a finger. Anything to let me know that he’s heard me. That he can forgive me. Have my words been able to penetrate the barrier in his mind that is preventing communication?
‘I hope you can forgive me, Alfie. We have both done things we wouldn’t have normally done. I forgive you. I forgive you for trying to kill me in the kayak. I know you were suffering, have been suffering for so long, and you haven’t been able to think straight. I never wanted it to end this way. Never.’ I lean over and kiss Alfie’s forehead. ‘I wish things had been different, my darling. I’m so sorry.’
I find Seb sitting in the coffee room as he said he would. He’s been an absolute rock to me and I don’t know how I would have managed without him. He slips his phone into his pocket. ‘That was your mum,’ he says, standing up and placing a guiding hand on my shoulder. ‘She’s going to meet us at the hotel.’
‘Thanks, I appreciate that.’ When I spoke with Mum earlier today, I let her talk me into going to stay with her for a few days. The police have finished gathering evidence from my house but I still don’t want to go back there. I’m not sure when, if ever, I’ll feel able to. It’s the house where my husband killed himself and the house where my so- called friend tried to kill me. The house represents sadness, anger and danger.
‘I’ll miss you,’ says Seb.
I offer Seb a smile. ‘I’ll miss you too but it’s only for a couple of weeks. Once you’ve got some leave, I’ll come up and stay with you.’ Seb doesn’t challenge me about this and how I’ll be able to leave Alfie; perhaps he thinks I’ll change my mind before then.
Seb reaches over and holds my hand, lifting it to his mouth and kissing it gently. ‘I love you, Carys.’
‘I know.’ I want to say I love him too but my feelings are weighed down by a blanket of sadness. It is hard to find the love when it is smothered by so much pain. I hope Seb understands.
He trades a resigned smile for an upbeat one. ‘Oh, I had a call from Andrea,’ he says. It seems Seb is now my unofficial PR officer.
‘What did she want?’
‘To say that she was thinking of you and when you’re back, ring her and you can take her out for a coffee. She said she was sure Colin would be driving her fucking nuts by then, especially all the time her leg is in plaster and she’s stuck in the sodding wheelchair. Her words, not mine.’
I give a small laugh. ‘Sounds like Andrea is on form,’ I say. ‘What you see is what you get, that’s for sure.’
‘I also have news on Tris. He’s being charged with perverting the course of justice. They were going to try for accessory to murder but there’s not enough evidence.’
‘Despite everything, I’m pleased. Ruby and her brother, Oliver, are going to need their dad even more right now.’
‘Poor kids. All that to deal with.’
When we arrive at the hotel, Mum is waiting in the foyer with two suitcases. One full of her clothes that she’s brought home from her holiday and the other with my clothes she picked up from the house earlier.
She had gone to see Alfie last night as I hadn’t been able to face it. I can see from her eyes she must have cried a lot in the night. The makeup can’t hide the puffiness of her eyelids or the dark circles underneath.
‘Hello, darling,’ she says, giving me a hug.
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘All set? The parking valet is bringing my car round. Oh, look, how’s that for timing?’
Mum’s silver Mercedes draws up outside the hotel steps and the porter takes the suitcases down to the car.
As Mum supervises the loading of our bags, I turn to Seb and hold him tight. ‘Thank you,’ I say, ‘and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with all my shit. I wish things hadn’t turned out like this.’
‘Carys, you can’t change what happened. You’re not responsible.’
‘I wish I’d taken what Ruby said about Darren more seriously,’ I say. ‘I should have asked Darren more about why he was leaving Hammerton, but I took it all at face value. If I’d known or even suspected about Leah Hewitt, then maybe when all that came up about Ruby, I would have believed her and none of this would have happened.’
Seb holds my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. ‘You’re not to blame. You mustn’t torture yourself. Zoe is to blame. No one else. Zoe took the conscious decision to get her revenge. It was premeditated. When she found out Darren was dead and couldn’t be brought to justice, she came after you. Listen to me, you have done nothing wrong. Nothing whatsoever.’
I feel a traitor to Seb’s absolute belief and confidence in my innocence. I should have told him the whole truth earlier but I’m too far down the lie to do that now.
Images of Alfie and I struggling in the kayak play out before me. I will never forget the moment when I saw into my son’s soul and saw the tortured monster he’d become. As he swung the paddle down towards me, I knew at that point our lives were on another path. I realised that Ruby was never the ticking time-bomb, she was never the black hole in my night sky – Alfie was. He was the supernova of black holes. He sucked in all love and life around himself and squeezed it so tightly that nothing could possibly survive.
The force of the blow had knocked me out of the kayak. As I had struggled to get in, grasping at the sides, the kayak had tipped violently, sending Alfie flying into the river as well. The current was fast and had caught Alfie, dragging him under and spitting him up a few metres downstream. I had launched myself after him, swimming with the water, gaining ground on him, until finally I had managed to grab hold of his jacket. We were tossed and turned in the river, but eventually we made it through the rapids and out the other side into calmer waters, where exhausted, we had dragged ourselves on to the riverbank.
I don’t know how long I had lain there, coughing and spluttering as I got my breath back. It was not long after that I’d got the text message which I wrongly assumed was from Tris.
It’s academic now.
‘You’d better go. Your mum’s calling you.’ Seb’s voice brings me from my trance.
I give him one final hug and kiss goodbye.
Sitting in the passenger seat next to Mum, I take a long and lasting look at Seb. He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve to be saddled with someone like me. If I can do one good thing with the rest of my life then it will be to let Seb go.
I can’t stop the tears that fall as we drive away from the hotel. I don’t know how I’m going to manage without him. If I was selfish, I wouldn’t be letting this happen, but Seb deserves so much more than a liar like me.