“You never did answer me. Where am I going on this date?” I’m wrapped in a towel; my brown hair still wet from my shower and dripping water on my shoulders.

Kaiya is sitting cross-legged on my bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. Her hesitation has made me think twice about going on this date. I turn to look from my closet at her. She is biting her bottom lip and avoiding eye contact with me.

“You have to tell me, Kai. I need to know what kind of dress to wear.”

“Ummm. A bathing suit and daisy dukes.”

“What the fuck kind of date did you bid on?”

“One that will push you outside of your comfort zone, a lot. You will also face a fear of yours.”

“As if going on a date isn’t bad enough.” I shriek at her. Anger and fear are running rampant through my veins. My pulse is pounding in my ears, and I find it hard to catch my breath. Rainbow came to me and sat by my feet ready to do what she was trained for—offer me an anchor and comfort. I go down on my knees and wrap my arms around her neck. She sits there and places her head on my shoulder waiting for the panic inside me to ease. Another reason I don’t date, panic attacks aren’t pretty, and no guy deserves to be settled with someone scared shitless of connecting with them.

“I can’t do this,” I say into Rainbow’s fur.

“Yes, you can.” My sister sits beside me on the floor and wraps her arm around my shoulder. “This is easy, Jai. You don’t have to do anything but show up and be yourself.”

I give a sardonic laugh, “A scared virgin, a romance writer, who suffers from panic attacks; to the point, she has a service animal to help cope with them… Nadine’s cousin gets to be the guinea pig that gets me back in the dating world.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Jai. You’ve got baggage, what person doesn’t?”

“You don’t.” I look at her pointedly.

“Don’t I? My twin sister had a boyfriend, who stalked and nearly killed her. That isn’t something you get over easily, Jai.”

I stand up and clutch the towel around me tighter. “I’m sorry Kai. My bad choice fucked us both up.”

“Jai, I’d have dated him if he had asked. God knows, I flirted with him enough our sophomore year and tried to get his attention. When Brayden started pursuing me, I realized Josh was just jumping from girl to girl; without really having a real relationship, so I decided to let Brayden catch me. When we moved it ended, and I’ve kept relationships confined to dinner, drinks, and sex.” She pauses and shrugs it off, but I know she is holding back. “Like I said, we all have baggage, Jai. I need to see you letting go and moving on because then there’s hope for me too.”

I’ve been selfish all these years, wrapped up in how Josh had ruined my life. I didn’t think about how mom and dad were uprooted from their home. Kaiya had to leave her friends and boyfriend behind. And apparently, it goes further than that. She has never had a serious relationship after Brayden and I never even noticed.

“What are the chances I can take Rainbow with me on this date?”

“None. You’re ready, Jai. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

“I don’t feel strong.”

“Maybe not yet, but you will, and this is the first step.”

“You seem so sure, what happens if I do this and I have a panic attack, and it’s one damn date… How much can really change if it’s not even real, but a bought and paid for a date?”

I walk over to the bed and fall backward, looking up at the ceiling. My mind is spinning with worry, fear, and despair.

“You never know, Jai. It can change your whole life.” Kaiya gets off my bed and pulls me upright. “Come on. We need to get you ready. I will do your hair and makeup before I leave for the wedding.”

“What should I wear?” I asked while looking in my closet. I’ve got jeans, sweats, sweaters, and suits. My drawers don’t have much else that is appropriate, according to my sister. It’s how I end up wearing her bikini, which feels like the most significant piece of the fabric is the size tag. The Daisy Dukes she hands me aren't any better, and the shirt exposes my midriff, while it clings to my breasts.

“Ok, so am I going on a date or to work a street corner? Because I’m not leaving the house like this.”

My sister laughs, “You’re going on a boat, Jai. It’s not a normal dinner and a movie date.”

“Still, do you have anything that is a bit—more?” I hold my hands at my sides and look down at my body. More skin is showing than what is covered. She sighs and goes back to her closet, grabbing another pair of shorts. These are white cotton, with a lace macramé over them and with a little longer, not by much, but they make me feel more comfortable, at least.

“And a shirt?” I cock an eyebrow at her, and she rolls her eyes at me, before reaching back into her closet.

The old red jersey style shirt she hands me has a stretched out neck that falls off one of my shoulders. It is comfortable and hits just above my thighs. The white block numbers on the back are faded and cracked, as is the mascot on the front.

“Wait, I recognize this,” I say looking back at Kaiya in the mirror. “This is a shirt from our high school.”

“It was Brayden’s. He gave it to me when we went to a football game, and someone bumped into me, spilling coke all over my shirt. It’s my lucky jersey.”

I start to take it off, but Kaiya stays my hand. “It’s fitting, Jai. Remember the past, but don’t let it stop your future—don’t let it freeze you in place, not anymore. Don’t let him win.”

She squeezes my hand and then gets my brush from the bathroom. I sit there as she fixes my hair into a messy knot on top of my head. I laugh because I could’ve done that much for myself.

“Kaiya, why now?” I ask the question I’ve been wondering since she told me about this date. “After all these years, why are you pushing for this?”

She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Because I need you to be happy and you are not. You live half a life, and so do I. We both need to make changes and to do that, we both need to let go of the past.”

“What are you clinging to?”

“Not what Jai, who?”

“Brayden.” I look down at the shirt I’m wearing. Kaiya hasn't worn it as far as I know. l, I didn’t even know she had kept the token, but it had been in the back of her closet all these years.

She nods once. All these years she has held onto a high school love. They were together for two years, but after my attack, we left with no word to anyone. The circumstances surrounding our leaving is buried since Josh, and I were both minors. Kaiya never got closure on her relationship with Brayden, and I’ve been so focused on what I lost. I didn’t see my sister’s broken heart and what she’d lost.

For Kaiya, I will try to start living so she could too. “So, how am I going to know who my date is?”

“He will scare the shit out of you.” She says with a halfhearted smirk, which has the bottom falling out of my stomach.