Will scrutinized him until Jazz stood from the armchair he’d sat down in, starting to pace the room.
“We haven’t even started, Corporal,” Will pointed out and Jazz sighed.
“I know, but the way you watch me makes me itchy. I feel like this is a test and all I can do is fail.”
“Why are you here then?”
Jazz squinted at the therapist, wondering if he was serious. After all, he’d only be able to go back to work if he was cleared, and the only one who could currently sat across the room, cool as a cucumber.
“To get cleared,” he answered with a shrug and Will leaned forward, drumming his pen quietly on the papers in his lap.
“What changed then? You weren’t eager to be here for the last ten weeks, but you are here now.”
“Does it really matter, Will? Can’t we just get over with me telling you what shit happened and you saying I’m fine?”
“Are you fine?”
God, this was as frustrating as Jazz always imagined it to be. He’d known it would be that way.
“I guess,” he replied and Will leaned back again, that scrutiny back on his face.
“You guess or you know? Are you fine or do you wish to be fine?”
Jazz walked over to the window, a point in every room that calmed him down no matter what. He placed his palm on the windowsill, staring outside without really seeing the street or the people passing by. “I need to be, Will. I have to be because I promised Tessa I’d try it all; I’d make sure to be okay for her and my son.”
Silence greeted the statement and he glanced over his shoulder. Will stared down at the papers, his brows furrowed in concentration. It made Jazz wonder if he’d said something wrong.
“You’re here because of… what was her name? Tessa?”
Jazz confirmed that with a sharp nod.
“You need to be here because of you, Corporal. I hate to say it, but coming for anyone but you won’t help you because it won’t loosen your tongue. You need to be here because you want it all: beat the nightmares, control yourself, keep the flashbacks under wraps.”
Jazz turned back to the therapist, leaning against the window, and crossed his feet at his ankles. It was weird wearing jeans again after he’d only bothered with track pants for the length of three months. Yet, knowing he’d go to the radio station afterward made him want to dress nicely. In fact, he hoped to impress Tessa.
“You and I both know I could have years of therapy and no one could guarantee all those things pass. I know about veterans, long back from the war, and always stateside, who still wake up drenched in sweat. Don’t make promises you cannot keep. But yes, I wish for my sake that I can keep a lid on it because every time I break down with one of the flashbacks I run the danger of holding my son and injuring him, or Tessa in the process.”
Combing a shaking hand through his hair, Jazz wished they’d already talk about the hell he’d been in. No, he wasn’t eager to relive that shit over and over, not knowing what could trigger his next episode, but this waiting for it was worse than the speaking about it.
His palms were clammy with nervousness and his heart was racing in his throat, making him short of breath.
“Sit and tell me about Tessa,” Will finally said and Jazz blinked in surprise.
“Tessa? Why? She wasn’t there,” he gave back even though he was ready to talk about her. God, after having allowed himself to hold her she was, in fact, the only thing he could think about.
“True, but I think it might make you relax a little, and if I understand it right, she is the only one who can touch you during your flashbacks and not end up hurt,” Will remarked and Jazz groaned. Everyone and their mother had to have access to his hospital reports.
“Is that public record?” Jazz snapped even while his heart calmed considerably, still beating fast, but now having an even, strong rhythm that had nothing to do with fear and everything with the woman he was supposed to speak about.
“It belongs to your mental breakdowns and therefore your psychological history. I would’ve said touching is a trigger or an amplifier, yet when the girl does it—”
“She’s all woman,” Jazz injected, walking back to sit in his assigned chair and closed his eyes until he could see her smile and felt the warmth of her brown eyes seep through him, thawing at the cold that wrapped around his heart each time he thought about his time in the Middle East.
“She was here to see some friends. I met at her at the airport, and I think my path had been altered right then and there. The army, my duty to the country, had always been the most important thing for me, and yet, when she came along, things shifted. It was sudden, but I didn’t want to admit it. My best friend, Tank, he made fun of me. He’s not exactly the one-woman-kind.”
“And you, Corporal? Were you?”
“I was the no-woman-kind. I was too busy most of the time. In fact, I only met Tessa because I was late picking up Tank from the airport. I’d forgotten he’d asked me while I filled out forms and shit… I mean stuff.”
He glanced at the therapist, but Will just grinned. “Shit is fine. I can handle curse words. I fought overseas, so I’m pretty much used to anything,” he promised and Jazz nodded, somewhat relieved.
While he’d never been the most polite or sophisticated talker, his language skills definitely had taken a turn for the worse during his deployment.
“I didn’t want to let her go, and that feeling never changed, not the first time I saw her, nor the last time yesterday. She always had a draw on me, like… you can feel your chest expanding, making you free. It was supposed to be three weeks and nothing more. Nothing serious. Just some fun. She’s from England, and I was a soldier on a mission. I mean, I wanted to climb up the ranks, gain prestige, serve my country more. Until suddenly that wasn’t enough. Have you ever seen snow first thing in the morning, when sunlight glitters on it and no one had gone through it yet? The pureness, and the beauty of it?That weird glow only snow has? And when it’s falling, the stillness of the moment, do you know that? The world seems to pause, and everything is muffled, every sound, as if your ears are full of cotton, drowning out worries and sorrows. That’s what Tessa did to me each time we were together.” He swallowed, wondering why his throat was clogged; worrying if he sounded like a girl, but then figured it didn’t matter. Therapists wanted emotions and all that shebang to be able to tell if you were insane or not, and he was ready to give it to Will.
“Her friend, Hilary, showed up at the base and told the soldier on duty to tell me to call her. She arranged a meeting to prove I’m an asshole.” He chuckled, remembering that, and saw Will smirk.
“Little brunette? Icy blue eyes? Protective like Mamma Bear?”
“That one. I should’ve known she was at the hospital when Tessa was here. Have you spoken to her? She’s something else.”
“It says a lot about a person how their friends react to them and around them, and the way Hilary was watching your girl… I mean woman, is very intense.”
Jazz had to laugh. He couldn’t imagine Hilary to be anything but intense. “You could say that. When she thought I had done something to Tessa at the airport she threatened to trace my phone, and that I wouldn’t ever have a quiet night again. I think she said something about knowing people.” He shrugged, still grinning.
“Your Tessa must be something,” Will mentioned and Jazz nodded solemnly. That woman was everything and more.
He smiled. “She’s a forever girl, so what did you expect?”
* * *
Tessa almost laughed as Hilary fluttered her lashes at her. “Can I please come? Just in case Jazz messes up? Pretty please?”
“He won’t, Hils, I promise. And even if he’s not showing, I’ll just do the show with Johnny. I’ve done it before, and people just will have to suck it up. Besides, you had him last night while I was picking out stories.” And boy, had that taken forever. She couldn’t believe that every day the numbers of received emails seemed to double. Additionally people started writing entire novels into those emails, making it impossible to use them for the show because Tessa sucked at summarizing.
“I wish Aimie and Emma could have stayed longer.” They’d been there a few weeks at the end of summer, but with everything going on, the time had flown by.
“It was touch and go with you there for a while. I hate to say it, but having them here actually made you better, stronger. You finally know whom to look out for and how to set your priorities straight. However, I have a surprise. They’ll be coming over for Christmas, and so will Evy.”
Tessa gaped at her friend. “How? I mean, honestly, it’s expensive and… expensive.” She knew at least Aimie had to sell a kidney and a half to get there since Australia was a long way from where they stood right now.
“I know, but well… Emma played the lottery in Wales, and won a little money. Not enough to make her rich, but enough to get her husband to allow her another trip, and she funded part of Aimie’s trip. We’ve been worried about her, too, you know?”
Hilary watched her as if she tried figuring out what Tessa knew.
“I’m not surprised. She’s more withdrawn than ever, and the times we actually managed to FaceTime she didn’t wear an honest smile,” she explained and Hilary nodded.
“It’s you all over again. Anyway, she didn’t want to go to her family, feeling like an outsider if she’d just be quiet there, uncomfortable, so I invited her if she could swing it. And Emma’s husband decided to do a cool guys’ Christmas beer thing, drawing it out until New Year’s Eve because Emma allowed him to rent a hut in Austria and so one thing came to the other. I don’t know, I feel as if those girls are kinda our family, you know? And I wanted them here. Especially since…”
Hilary left the sentence unfinished and Tessa sighed, rubbing her palm across her forehead. Especially since she refused to see her parents after finally cutting all ties with them and the rest of her family. She’d never been enough in their eyes, always had been their punching bag, and only after giving birth she realized that this wasn’t how family worked.
“They are our family,” she agreed. “However, I’m surprised Evy agreed to come.” Her best friend loved her mother and father like no one else, always making sure she got enough time in with her parents. In fact, Tessa was almost positive they now saw each other weekly, and holidays were their scared family time after all.
“I’m not. She misses you like crazy, and with both of you having kids now… I know you talk much less to each other than you used to.”
Tessa swallowed around the lump in her throat because she had to get to work soon and keep it together or she’d look all cried out arriving there.
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I love her any less. She’s my best friend, and I know distance sucks. Hell, it already had when I was just supposed to be gone for three weeks, but we’ll make it work somehow. However, all the better she’s coming at Christmas.”
“Of course she is,” Hilary assured her. “So, can I come to the radio station please? Pretty please? I’ll stay away from you all, I just wanna—”
“You just wanna see Jazz. I got that, okay? I understand, but he won’t do anything wrong, and he doesn’t need you to make sure he treats his son the right way. He needs me for that, and I am there to do it. I’m Johnny’s mother.”
“Yes, but I’m your friend, and that guy needs watching with you. I’m not worried about the little boy, Tessa. I’m worried about you. You’ve been a mess because of him before, and what’s there to let us know he’s being serious this time around?”
Tessa gritted her teeth, all the arguments playing in her mind over and over again, too. She knew that, and she worried about the same things, but she couldn’t go around distrusting Jazz when the contrary was necessary. Besides, it didn’t matter how far away she stayed from Jazz, or how close she was, she would end up heartbroken either way. All she could do was try to keep things on a rather friendly level until she knew one way or the other.
“Okay, I gotta get ready.” Luckily she’d already packed Johnny’s diaper bag earlier and could just grab it along with her son.
“Tell him I’ll hang him by his balls if he’s not nice,” Hilary ordered.
“I don’t think threatening a guy with PTSD with violence is the right way, Hilary.”
“Okay, tell him I’ll kill him gently if he hurts you.”
“Friends, Hils, remember? He and I are friends. I don’t think either of us can currently risk being more.” She had strapped her boy in and Hilary stepped toward her, taking her hands in hers.
“This is Jazz. You can pretend all you want, but you love him, and even if you’re not touching, you’re lovers. Your hearts beat in synch if you’re close or not. That’s what love is all about. Always. So don’t lie to me and tell him what I said, okay?”
“I’ll catch you later, Hils.” She turned away, not promising anything.
“Get yourself kisses and cuddles. You need it, and you want it anyway,” her friend called after her and Tessa shook her head with a smile.
In the car she turned on the music, loud enough to enjoy and yet not make Johnny deaf. The way to work seemed to get shorter each day, and once she arrived in her assigned parking spot, her heart stopped on her chest.
So much for being friends. Jazz stood there, wearing dark denims, an army hoodie, and white sneakers. He smiled at her, his beard, though unfamiliar still, neatly trimmed and less wild than she remembered it to be just the day before. And in his hand he held a single red rose, biting his lip as he spotted her.
That guy definitely knew how to tear down all her defenses.
* * *
Tessa didn’t get out of the car right away and Jazz couldn’t even be mad at her for it. He’d debated bringing her a rose, but then had decided she needed to know what exactly he wanted from her, no doubts able to invade her mind, so he crossed over and opened the door for her, holding out his hand.
“May I help you?” he grinned and she looked at him, her expression gentle, cautious, and almost sad.
“Jesse,” she whispered and he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss against her cheek.
“Can you take the rose? It’s for you after all. I’m gonna get our son.”
It came to him naturally to call the boy that, and it should’ve scared him, but didn’t. He’d spent most of his night thinking about those two, falling asleep with her picture in his hand, and waking up only when the sun had been shining into his room.
It was a challenge to take the little one from the car seat, but he was ready to do that, and practice would make him perfect. Tessa passed him by, silent for now.He nearly whooped as he had his son free while Tessa stood next to him, a bag hanging over her shoulder.
“Give me that, beautiful,” he ordered and she did, watching him as he shifted his son and the bag at the same time. He’d assumed she’d be like a hawk, but in contrary to what he’d feared, he didn’t get nervous. Instead he couldn’t help the stab of pride he felt for her.
She led the way and he followed her up some stairs after crossing through a small foyer. The walls were all rather dark, the few lamps doing just enough make sure you didn’t stumble, but Tessa navigated the stairs as if she’d never been anywhere else. Leaving the staircase, they entered a lofty room through a heavy door that fell closed softly behind them and Jazz relaxed.
“Worried it would set you off?” she asked quietly and he had to admit her observance caught him off-guard.
“I didn’t say anything,” he replied, forcing a smile back onto his lips.
“You stiffened and slowed down, as if you were waiting for something, Jazz,” she whispered. “All doors here have a special mechanism to make them close extra softly. Radio station, remember? Every noise could penetrate, and will, trust me. No matter how well they are sound-proved, you always have an idiot leaving open doors. It’s going to be okay here. And you can sit inside the studio with me. Even less noise there. Promise.”
He gave her a grateful kiss on the forehead. “It should be scary how well you can read me,” he mumbled and she turned back to him after having resumed her way.
“It should be?” she prompted and he nodded.
“It’s not though. It’s… reassuring.” And it was. Knowing she watched out for him did strange things to his mind and heart.
“It’s what happens if you study a subject very closely,” she winked and he finally smiled a real smile again, when she went on, “So, this is my sanctuary.”
They’d crossed the room until reaching a row of rooms to the right, and the one behind a door with the sign ‘Studio Eight’ was small, yet roomy enough to house a small travel bed at the side, a console and computers, microphones and chairs. His fingers itched to touch the technical equipment and Tessa’s light laugh made it clear she saw it in his eyes.
“Give me the baby and then go on, big boy. Play with the toys,” she teased. He looked around and spotted a clock through a glass wall he hadn’t seen before. Behind it some people sat and he waved awkwardly, before turning back to her.
“Ignore them. I do,” she stated quietly and he nodded, walking over until stopping next to a microphone. It had to be hers. He reached out and ran his fingers over his dog tags.
“You have them still,” he whispered, sounding choked.
“I had them always. Whenever things got too bad, I touched them, held onto them. In the beginning I was sure they still held your warmth,” she explained and he watched her across the room. She’d put the baby boy into his travel crib and he was gently babbling while his mother seemed unsure of herself, the situation, and overall. “I wanted to pretend so bad you’d just slipped them off and handed them to me. That you were close,” she went on, releasing a long, deep breath.
What could you ever possible say to a woman that loved you so much, so obviously, and so freely? Were there any words that could let her know how much you appreciated her? Needed her?
Jazz was sure there weren’t, and he wouldn’t even try to find them. Instead he stepped to her again, taking her palm and bringing it under his hoodie and shirt, pressing it flat against his racing heart.
“This, Tessa, beats because of you. You kept me sane and safe down there, and frankly, you’re doing the same back here.” He felt how she curled her fingers, moving them up enough to wrap them around his new dog tags, and then he watched how she closed her eyes.Her body sagged as if for the first time since he’d left she knew he was indeed there and alive.
Dropping her hand again to embrace him, she rested her forehead against his chest and he wrapped her in his arms, holding onto her until she had enough, and if that moment would never come? He’d be fine with that, too, because right there it was just him and her. No nightmares, no bad memories, no loneliness.
It was just a couple so desperately in love, they couldn’t breathe without the other one.