“It’s almost as if you’re moving out,” Hilary complained. Tessa just sighed. In some ways she probably was, yet this still didn’t make her happy. Things with Jazz had improved over the last two weeks and although she’d tried to keep her distance somewhat—by not sleeping at his house for example—she couldn’t deny she was all-in with this. She’d been naïve to believe she’d be able to keep a few emotions out of this equation until she knew Jazz was being back to Jazz.
He tried, and tried hard for that matter, but there were moments when he thought he was alone she saw a crack in his strong armor. His shoulders would be shaking, and his forehead glittering with sweat, but the moment he noticed someone else was in the room, sunshine entered his face and he stood, kissing her until she was distracted enough to not ask.
“Moving out? I’m just grabbing a few things to stay over for a night. Kris is at a friend’s house and Raphaela went back to Florida to meet with some friends for a while. They are both feeling as if Jazz needed someone there. Plus…” She sighed again and Hilary cocked her head.
“You want to be there, play family,” Hils ended the sentence for her and Tessa nodded, turning away to grab some more clothes for her son. It was incredible how fast you could run out of items to dress a child in.
“What is it?” Hilary asked after a long moment and Tessa wondered if she could just pretend nothing was going on at all. “No, Tessa, don’t,” her friend instantly stated. “I can see you thinking about lying to me.”
And Tessa could see Hilary bracing her hands on her hips without her needing to turn back around.
“You can’t see that”, Tessa finally stated, sitting back on her heels. “This is not over. It was too easy in the end, Hils. I mean, if his flashbacks and everything could be so easily contained, why didn’t he have a handle on them before?” Tessa shook her head; dread churning in her stomach like a snake. “He’s been attentive, and sweet, and perfect, but I don’t think he’s telling me all there is to it. And neither do Kris and Raphaela.”
She heard a slight rustle as Hilary sat down on the bed. “That’s why you want to sleep there now. To see if he has nightmares still, or worse, and no one is there to pretend anything different.”
Tessa stared down at the midnight blue, tiny pullover in her hands and nodded slowly.
“I need to see with my own eyes that it’s fine. I don’t expect him to be magically healed, not after the way he’s been before all of this. I don’t know, I’m worried about the switch from dark to light.” And she’d been even more worried about voicing that because she feared it made her sound ungrateful. Hilary and her had read more romance novels than their whole neighborhood combined. They had seen the inexplicable change, and had wished there was something like the perfect guy out there, the guy you could get through all troubles with, but this wasn’t anything happening between the pages of a book: This was the real life.
“I’ve been thinking the same,” Hilary finally admitted and Tessa turned to her, drawing her knees up to her body. She knew Hils wasn’t finished yet, but since she had a hard time to put into words what was going on inside her head, she gave her friend the same time to consider her next sentences. “There was no use in keeping the two of you apart. Never has been. Back when Evy tried because she wanted to protect your heart, I wondered what was going on with her. You two hit it off from the start. Hell, I didn’t think he’d be kissing strangers at the airport every damn day, but here, now? I know it would be the best if really you were taking this slow.You two are a whirlwind of emotions. You’re like fire and gasoline, and each time you meet you burn brighter.”
While that did sound good, Tessa could tell it wasn’t.
“However, you need fuel, and what happens if there’s nothing left to consume? I’d like to think you two can forever burn like stars, but I’m worried. Seriously worried. You cannot have your heart broken because the funk you were in after he returned? The way you nearly killed yourself between being by his side, working, and being a mom? That was only the beginning. If you now get a taste of the life you always wanted, won’t you break? It’s now that I can understand why Evy tried to do what she did. Only… this time you won’t listen, right? No matter what I say?”
Tessa started to fold the pullover in her hand, placing it on top of the bag with the rest of the clothes.
“I don’t ask you to approve or understand,” she finally whispered. God, if only Hilary wouldn’t make so much sense. “All I ask is that you’re there no matter what.”
“All I ask is that breaking doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed.” Hils’ voice was so quiet, Tessa had to glance at her friend to make sure she had spoken at all.
There’d been a time when Tessa couldn’t have made that promise without lying, but now things were different. “I promise that no matter what, I will be become whole again at some point. I have a son, even if it should turn out I have nothing else,” she vowed and though happiness looked different, Hilary at least wore a tiny smile on her face.
* * *
Jesus, Jazz was exhausted. He felt as if whenever he took one step forward, life threw him ten steps back. His flashbacks had been reduced to a minimum, barely happening during the daytime anymore, yet they seem to be harder whenever they hit. Tessa was the only thing that seemed to keep him tethered to reality, and a new wave of guilt hit him each time he thought about that. After all, his son should bring the same sense of reality over him, especially because Johnny hadn’t existed back when Jazz had been deployed. Yet it was only Tessa that worked, and didn’t that make him a horrible dad?
Checking his cell for the time, he realized that Tessa would soon be there and he’d promised her breakfast. In fact, he’d promised her the world. After not having allowed her close, he suddenly couldn’t imagine being without her anymore. He had no idea if it would help having her there during the night, if it made him sleep better or not, but telling her bye each day anew killed him. He wanted to wake up with her.
Granted, chances were she’d be waking him up because he’d be lost in the desert, but that was almost the same, right?
Pushing to his feet with a sigh, he pulled over black sweats and a whit tee before vanishing inside the bathroom to brush his teeth and comb his fingers through his hair. He’d considered shaving off his beard, but decided it would only remind him too much of the guy he used to be and no longer was, and that freaked him out. People would expect him to be back to his old self then, and he wasn’t—probably never would be.
He didn’t look at his reflection, being able to picture the bags under his eyes and the pale color of his face. It hadn’t changed much, even though as the days went by, he felt better and probably looked better, too.
Which reminded him of Ryan. Although he had ambivalent feelings about the doctor, he’d started noticing that the guy appeared more haggard each time they accidentally crossed paths. He was tempted to ask Tessa about that, but then wondered why he even cared. After all, he was pretty sure the doctor had his eyes on his girl.
Jazz descended the stairs, pausing at the bottom because there was utter silence in the house. No noise whatsoever penetrated the stillness.Not even his heartbeat registered with him. It reminded him of too many nightmares, too many flashbacks even though those weren’t always silent. The problem was Jazz couldn’t tell anymore what he’d thought the moment the first grenade had gone off. Had he been deaf because of the stress and the worry, the panic and the fear, or had the noise been too much to bear for his mind, so in his memories it was simply erased?
He didn’t know, and shaking his head to clear that from his mind, he made his feet move. He needed to get busy.
Pancakes and bacon, that was what he’d promised Tessa, and so far he had nothing to show for. Pausing next to the coffee pot, he tried to remember if she had liked coffee or not. God, he didn’t know, because the times they’d woken up together there hadn’t been the chance to make their own stuff, or be a normal couple. Jesus, had they even been a couple, or just a fling after all?
No matter what, now they were a family. Turning on the radio to fill the silence that suddenly seemed to be pressuring, he hummed. It was the station Tessa worked for, and currently they had a rock show going on. He wasn’t sure that was the best thing in the morning, but then had to remind himself that the program was based on UK time, and therefore some hours ahead.
Opening the fridge, he realized he had another problem: He’d never before made pancakes. Staring into the white interior, he somehow hoped things would just jump out at him, almost as if telling him what he’d need to use. Couldn’t be that hard, right?
Instead though he reached for the eggs and the bacon. He could absolutely scramble that and pour it into a pan.
Resting his palms against the counter, he bowed his head. What was he even trying to prove? Most of his life he’d lived on a base, getting food there and hardly ever having to make it himself. The few times he’d been home his mother had spoiled him rotten.
A gentle knock made him look up, and his heart skipped a beat. Tessa stood in the door, watching him with a soft smile. He’d forgotten that his mother had handed over her key to Tess because that way she could drop by whenever. Frankly, he wished she hadn’t seen him the way he’d just looked, because he was sure defeat was in every line of his body, and that wasn’t what he wanted her to see.
“Need help with anything?” she wanted to know, coming over to stand next to him, and he wondered why she didn’t wrap her arms around him.
“No hug?” he asked, hating how insecure he sounded. “And where’s our son?”
“Fell asleep on the ride here, so I let him sleep in the living room in his car seat. I’m sure we’ll hear him if he wakes up. And about the hug…”
She glanced up at him from under her lashes and he wanted to crush her to him and devour her lips until neither of them had any air left.
“You looked as if you were lost in thoughts, and I worried it could’ve been about the desert, so I didn’t want to trigger anything,” she explained and he took her palm, bringing it up to his face before kissing it.
“You can always touch me, Tessa. In fact, you don’t even have a choice. You have to. I want you to. Always. You’re the only one who can,” he insisted, framing her face and holding her gaze until he was sure she understood what he was saying. After all, there was no one else who had been able to put a hand on him without freaking him out.
“What were you thinking about then?” she wanted to know and he grinned, knowing she’d see him blush if he wouldn’t have a beard to hide the color.
“I don’t know what I’m doing in the kitchen,” he admitted and she laughed, curling into him finally.
“Hey,” she breathed and he kissed the top of her nose.
“Hey,” he gave back.
“Never made pancakes before?” she inquired, pulling back enough to stare up at him and he finally gave in to the longing, leaning in to kiss her long and sweet. She tasted of coffee and faintly minty.
“So you do drink coffee,” he remarked, making a mental note, while her face heated.
“I should’ve probably brushed my teeth afterward, not before. I’m sorry,” she apologized and he grabbed her chin, drawing her in for another kiss.
“It’s perfectly fine, Tess. I just couldn’t recall and it pissed me off. And about the cooking… I never made anything before. Although that’s a lie. I think I cooked noodles at some point. Like… way back when.” He shrugged and she shook her head, smiling more now.
“Well then, I guess I need to teach you. Let’s start with pancakes, handsome, okay?” she wanted to know and he sighed in contentment.
“Whatever you say, because with you at my side I’ll be able to manage it all,” he assured her and she turned back to him, giving him a level stare.
“And don’t you forget it, soldier boy.”
Leaning against the counter he wondered how he ever could if she was the brightest reminder of all times.
* * *
He was faking it most of the time. Jazz hadn’t been magically healed, or had suddenly forgotten all about it.He probably just didn’t want her to see or know, but that didn’t make her feel any better. What was he worried about?
She busied herself with the batter, aware of his gaze on her, and yet she couldn’t get herself to look at him, not now when she knew her doubt and worries were written in the way her eyes filled with tears.
“What is it, Tess?” he questioned, gently brushing a blonde strand from her shoulder. His fingertips brushed the bare skin on her neck, causing her to shiver.
“Nothing.” But even she could hear the lie in her voice, and knew he’d notice it, too. For a moment he didn’t react and she wondered if he’d reconsidered talking. Glancing at him sideways, she found him listening intently, before he smiled ever so slightly and stilled her hands on the beater and the bowl, turning her back to him.
“Let’s try that without a lie this time. What is it, Tess?” he inquired, framing her face and making it impossible to avoid his questioning expression.
“You are not better, are you?” No matter what, she wanted him to assure her he was, and that soon all of this would be just some distant nightmare, but then his blue eyes clouded with sadness.
“I am, but not nearly as good as I wish I were. I worried…” He trailed off, shaking his head before turning away from her.
“Worried I wouldn’t love you enough to stick by your side anyway? Worried I’d run after fighting for this? Worried you don’t love me enough to be honest with me? What the hell were you so worried about you had everyone pretend to be happy family for me?” She had no idea why she was getting loud, or feeling so irrationally angry, but she could imagine the reason. If he lied about something like that, who told her he wouldn’t just wake up one day, being back to thinking they shouldn’t be together? Or waking up one day thinking he didn’t love her?
“Worried you were going to keep me from holding my son because you’d consider me a risk. Worried you’d keep me from holding you for the same reason. But when you are around I am better. My nights are terrible, but maybe with you here that changes, too. You’re my cure, Tessa, and yet I cannot get around wondering about the moment you decide it’s too much work; fearing that second you’ll look at me and tell me you cannot handle it. I’m weak when it comes to you, always have been, but—”
“Weak?” she echoed. “You are anything but, Jesse Connor. Sitting in that doctor’s office every day, telling a therapist about the worst time of your life is not weak. Having been there, in hell, is not weak. Moving past everything you’ve done and have seen, deciding you deserve a shot at a good life instead of giving up is not weak. However, thinking I’d walk out on you because it’s getting tough makes me look weak. Is that what you’re saying?”
They both knew it wasn’t, but as long as Jazz wasn’t believing in their love or himself, he needed to believe in something different, and Tessa was ready to be just that. He only had to hold onto her long enough for him to find himself again.
“It’s not! You birthed a child all by yourself, went through hell because of it, and you came whenever someone called you, no matter how painful it ended for you, so no, nothing weak about you.”
“Exactly. Stick to that believe, and trust the fact I’m strong enough to do that. I’ll weather every storm for the three of us, fight every war that needs to be fought, crush every doubt you have until you are back on your feet, and for real this time. Don’t lie to me when I ask how you are, and don’t pretend to be fine, okay? Because I can only fix what I know is broken.” Actually, it would take so much more to fix Jesse Connor, but he needed to believe he could be fixed, and that someone would do just that.
Put pressure on yourself, why don’t you?, a little voice in her head asked, but Tessa knew she had to go through the tough times if she wanted the good ones. And they wouldn’t last forever, right? She knew some soldiers never got over their PTSD, but sometimes it got better, and she had to hope with Jazz this would be the case. And even if not, then they’d deal.
“Okay, no more hiding the reality, ugly as it is,” he promised and leaned in to kiss her forehead. “However, not every second of every day is bad, so let’s enjoy our time together,” he whispered against her skin and she nodded.
Focusing back on the batter, she took a deep breath. “So, you’ll want to…” She never got to finish the sentence as the doorbell rang. Jazz’s forehead crinkled in confusion. Clearly he wasn’t expecting anyone else.
“I’ll be right back,” he promised, kissing the side of her head before leaving the kitchen. Tessa listened for his steps and Johnny’s crying, but it seemed her son wasn’t bothered by the disturbance.
Above the music inside the kitchen she couldn’t hear what was said at the door, but she knew it was a woman there.
Abandoning her task, she went out into the hall and leaned against the wall across the door. She couldn’t see who was standing behind Jazz since his broad shoulders hit the visitor from view, but Tessa recognized the voice.
Betty.
“Bets, what’s going on? You look like hell,” her boyfriend whispered and Tessa considered going back into the kitchen, but something kept her rooted to the spot.
“What if your world will come crushing down soon?” Betty asked, sounding choked, and Tessa finally moved, but not back to where she’d come from. No, instead she took Jazz’s side, wrapping one arm around his lean hips. It didn’t matter that she didn’t have to stake claim, the urge in her was too big to ignore.
“Betty, hey!” The other woman looked terrible, her dark hair matted against her head and her eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot.
“Tessa?” Betty paled even as Jazz drew Tess against his side. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”
The sentence shouldn’t cause Tessa’s alarm bells to sound off in her head, but it did. The tone of Betty’s voice said it all, jealousy coloring every single word… although Jazz had promised her Betty had found someone knew. Tessa almost snorted out loud. Seemed in the end it didn’t matter how many guys you dated when your heart was somewhere else.
“Well, if it was for me Tessa wouldn’t ever be anywhere else again. What is it, Betty?” Jazz prompted and Tessa felt how his fingertips dug into her side, as if he feared whatever his former comrade had come to tell him.
“I… I cannot… this is not for her ears, Corporal,” Betty stuttered, her lips quivering, and Tessa considered moving away, giving the two privacy even though it was the last thing she wanted.As if anticipating her move, Jesse took her hand and kissed her palm, now holding her almost completely in his embrace, half way in front of him.
“There are no secrets between her and me. There’s nothing you can tell me she shouldn’t hear,” he insisted and Tessa gulped. There was. What if he’d slept with Betty and she now was in the same position Tessa had found herself in? It was a scenario she’d never once thought of, but that now made her wonder how tolerant she’d be.
“She wouldn’t understand, Jazz. If you wanna know, find me at the hospital, will you?” Betty told them—no, him—and went back to her car, driving away before Jazz had even taken one step outside. Not that it felt to Tessa as if he even wanted to do that.
“I didn’t mean to scare her away. And I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I was curious. I’m sorry,” she whispered, feeling partly guilty for ruining the talk and partly relieved. They’d have this weekend at least before facing new troubles.
“Don’t apologize, Tess.” He cupped her cheek and she leaned into the touch. He was distracted, but after a moment focused fully on her. “I should’ve asked her inside and into the kitchen right away. After what you thought Betty could be for me… I probably would’ve kicked any guy’s ass, even knowing it’s not true.”
“Jazz,” Tessa said, halting him in his steps as he made his way back to the kitchen. She needed to know. “She cannot be pregnant from you, can she?”
She held her breath as he stared at her, then burst out laughing, a warm, rumbling sound coming deep from within his chest. It wrapped around her like a blanket of sunshine and safety.
“I couldn’t have slept with another woman even if I’d have the mind to it, Tessa. It’s been you for me since the day at the airport, and no relocation or distance can change that. Even thinking we weren’t anything but separated lovers I didn’t consider it. In my stressful moments it was your image that gave me peace and quiet, and the relief I needed.” He winked, making her blush as she realized he’d jerked off to thoughts of her. God, she felt heat flush her body, claiming her in a wave of lust that was as strong as it was unexpected.
He crossed the distance between them and kissed her until her head was light. “And now, let’s get to the food. It’ll be lunch by the time we’re done,” he snorted and she shrugged, grinning.
And if it would be dinner, she didn’t care in the slightest as long as he was there and with her. Only with her.