Once they’d arrived at the house, Tessa took the time to hug the other two properly before showing off her son.
“Talk,” she told Hilary over her shoulder. “What did the doctor say?”
“John is fine. Like a hundred and ten percent. Nothing wrong with your baby boy at all,” she reported and Tessa almost burst out laughing until realizing Hilary was serious. “He’s not sleeping, Hilary, he’s constantly crying, and I cannot set him down without making him cry again,” she reminded her friend, but Hilary just shrugged.
“He’s constantly crying with you. He’s not sleeping when you are there. And he needs to be held only when you’re around,” she gave back, her voice low.
Tessa blinked, her jaw dropping. “What?” She couldn’t believe her ears. “Are you saying I’m a bad mother? I’m trying my hardest to make it all right, to juggle this whole thing, and get myself together enough to not impose on you any longer. What exactly did you tell that doctor?” The doctor she should’ve gone to alone, should’ve talked to by herself, but then she didn’t have the time or she would’ve had to skip her show. God. She combed her hands through her hair, getting stuck since she still had a ponytail. Tearing the rubber band out, she raked her hands through it another time and then made a messy bun. Her ears were ringing and black spots danced in her vision as guilt and anger fought inside of her.
She needed to get out, needed to get away.
“Tessa,” Aimie started, but Tessa just raised her hands, warding off her friend.
“Don’t, okay?” Looking around, she found Johnny snuggled in Emma’s arms, and as much as she wanted to take the little boy from the blonde, she just needed a minute for herself.
“Tessa, how about you listen until I’m done?” Hilary wanted to know and Tessa shook her head.
“Go ahead. Since I’m such a sucky mother not even my son wants to be with me, why don’t you just keep him, huh?” She spun around, grabbing her car keys and her bag and ran out. Jumping into the car, she ignored the calls for her, glad that she hadn’t undressed yet.
Throwing the car into reverse, she backed out of the driveway and then just hit the gas. She needed to get away from everything, just needed one moment to sort through her thoughts and calm her racing heart.
Afterward she’d go back, apologize, and hold her son until she had the feeling she was whole again.
* * *
The talk with his mother had left Jazz reeling. As much as he was afraid of medication, he needed to get out of this hospital and see something different than the white walls. Yes, they’d promised to let him go tomorrow, but somehow he still doubted it.
Dinner was done, and as much as the bread had disgusted him, he’d still eaten it to show his good will. He dreaded the coming night, but the sleeping pills were already on his bedside table. Maybe he wouldn’t have a night terror this time. Maybe he’d be able to sleep through the night without being tortured by Tessa’s closeness.
The door banged open, and even though Jazz hadn’t seen the brunette who entered in ten months, he recognized her instantly.
“Hilary?” The woman looked distraught, tears streaking down her cheeks and her shoulders slumping as she turned once in the room.
“She’s not here.”
He sat up straighter, his ribs protesting slightly, but it was nothing against the panic edging its way into his body at her expression. “Who’s not here?”
Tessa, his brain provided helpfully and he almost groaned. There wouldn’t be anyone else Hilary could be searching for.
“And?” Tank appeared in the doorway and his face, too, fell. “Fuck.” His best friend rubbed his palms across his new buzz cut.
“What happened?” Jazz found himself moving and pulling on shoes before he even knew what was going on.
“Tessa left hours ago and I have no idea where she could be going. I mean, she should hardly be driving around the state she is in right now, and… shit.” Hilary rubbed her hands across her face, furiously wiping at her tears.
She wouldn’t be driving around, that much Jazz was sure of. She’d probably just look for a quiet spot to lick her wounds or gather her wits again. The thought that anything could happen to her nearly brought him to his knees. If he’d been a little more welcoming toward her maybe she would’ve shown up here instead.
“Tank, give me your car keys,” he demanded and his best friend eyed him up and down.
“The doctors didn’t clear you to leave yet, did they?”
“I’ll be back as soon as I found her.” If he could.
“And what then, huh? You’re stepping up to her, hoping she’ll tell you everything after the way you treated her? Hot and cold? Pushed her away after drawing her close? You’re part of the problem, dude.” The anger and dislike showing in Hilary’s heated eyes made Jazz swallow.
“You don’t understand war, Hils. You don’t know how it is down there. You cannot begin to imagine what it was like for me, what I need to carry around with me.”
“No, and you know why? Because you won’t fucking talk, Jazz. It’s exactly what your doctors are complaining about,” Tank injected, taking Hilary’s side in this.
“You’re supposed to be my best friend,” Jazz gritted out, wondering if everyone had abandoned him the way he’d wanted it, and damn if that thought didn’t slice him open wide.
“I am, but right now you’re not exactly mine.” Tank held out his car keys anyway, and though Jazz was sure it wasn’t for his benefit, he was grateful. Grabbing two more sweaters and his jacket from the closet, he left his room, his heart thundering in his ears. Why in the world had he thought he could find her, let alone say the right words?
Sitting in Tank’s truck he actually watched as his best friend and Hilary exit the hospital again. Yes, Jazz had hoped to be gone by then, but he had no clue where to start searching. He doubted Tessa would frequent a bar if she had left with a car. In fact, he couldn’t remember her drinking much anyway, so where would she go?
Nightfall was coming soon and it was already getting colder out. She wouldn’t care though, he thought. She just needed a place to think, or be alone, or cry…
Cry.
Shoving the key into the engine, he finally moved Tank’s truck out of the parking lot. It was a long shot, he knew that, but maybe, despite everything, Tessa would pick a place where she’d feel connected to him.
The drive to the outside of town to the spot by sea where Jazz had taken her and Evy after picking her up from the airport seemed to be endless, and Jazz couldn’t help but think he didn’t know her as good as he wished. If she wasn’t there, staring out at the sea, he didn’t know where else to look.
Reaching for his phone and considering to call Tank and ask for Tessa’s number, he realized it still was back at the hospital. God, if anything was wrong with Tessa he wouldn’t even be able to inform someone about it.
The car he spotted in the otherwise empty lot wasn’t one he knew, but it didn’t stop hope from flooding every last corner of his being.
She stood with her back to him, blonde hair whipping around her face with a harsh breeze that came in from the ocean. She wore jeans and though he’d felt her new curves, there was barely a sign of them there. A light black jacket covered her upper body. No tight fit as it was trend currently, but that didn’t matter. Jazz paused for a moment, just watching her.
She was safe, and although she was in distress—her shoulders were shaking as if she was crying—he couldn’t help but feel relieved. The thing was, now he really had no clue what to say. Hilary had been right. He had no excuse for being there because he’d pushed her away again and again, and even if his mind had short-circuited, he couldn’t let her in, no matter that he had found her now.
However, when she was swaying on her feet, he was by her side in no time, pulling her into his arms without further thought.
She buried her face against his chest, not even questioning who was holding her, and he felt her fingertips dig into his chest as she tried to grab something to hold onto. She was ice cold again, kicking his worries back up a notch.
“Let’s settle down in the car,” he whispered into her hair, his arms wrapped around her shoulders tightly.
“Just a minute,” she pleaded.
“Tessa, you’re gonna catch something out here. You probably already have. You’re freezing, and I want you to—”
“Just hold onto me a second longer,” she whispered and he closed his eyes. As much as he wished they could be caught in this moment forever, he needed to get her warm.
“No, Tessa.” As if releasing her didn’t cut deep enough, a sob escaped her lips, even as she pressed the back of her hand against her mouth.
“Okay,” she squeaked and by God, the despair in her voice almost brought him to his knees.
He led her to Tank’s truck because the cabin would be still warm and because he had the sweaters in there. She got in, her face passive even though tears still ran down her cheeks. Only after she was settled to his satisfaction, he pulled her into his side and kissed her hair.
“Tell me,” he demanded and then hated the whole world as she turned into him, shaking again with silent sobs.
* * *
She couldn’t stop the tears. Couldn’t stop herself from sobbing, and even less should she get herself to form words and explain to Jazz what the problem was, because she didn’t even know where to begin. Her life was spiraling out of its ways and she had no idea how to reign it back in. However, maybe this was the perfect moment to tell Jazz what else he’d left her with besides heartache after he’d been deployed.
He was rubbing her back, gentle circles that gave her the feeling he cared about her more than he was letting on.
“You’re not married,” she stated. Even if she was certain by now, she needed to hear it from his lips.
A low chuckle rose from his chest, warming her broken heart. “Of course not, Tess. How in the world did you get that idea anyway? Down there weddings were the last thing on my mind.” His voice caught at the end and she wondered why that was.
“I don’t know, the way Betty threw herself at you when I was there, the way you pushed me away… and your call to my show… it all fit.”
His heart sped up in his chest and she soaked up the steadily increasing thumping. “That was a love declaration, Tess, not a goodbye.”
A love declaration…
“It was two days before everything changed. Before… this isn’t about me,” he backpedaled and she gripped his sweatshirt tighter, willing him to keep talking, but he changed the topic. “What is going on? Hilary was worried about you. Tank was worried about you. How in the world did you manage to get him that far, huh? And did you know that he has a son? You probably do. I think you all see more of each other than I see of you,” he said quietly, and she wondered if she detected hurt and regret in his voice, but couldn’t focus enough over the blood rushing in her ears.
“Not Tank’s baby.” It was now or never. “It’s my son. He just wanted to help me when we met your mother. It was a spur of the moment decision to lie. I couldn’t…” She shook her head, just not sure how to best say it, but he’d already gone stiff against her.
“Your son?” he echoed, pulling back most likely to look at her, but she hid her face in her palms. Words evaded her and more sobs raked her body until he grabbed her hands and pulled them away, lifting her chin for her to meet his clear blue gaze. God, he was beautiful, even with that weird beard he’d grown now. “Tessa, say something,” he ordered, his voice rough.
“Okay,” she gave back. “Our son.” Emotions crossed his face so fast; she couldn’t keep track of them. Shock, awe, regret, guilt, happiness, and disbelief were just a few.
“How old is he?”
She knew he’d do the calculations the moment she’d said it, so she decided to start with an explanation before anything else. “When I was here for the award show I wanted to wear heels even though the doc had advised against it. I was too proud to go with flats, and yet, I took the stairs and stumbled. Biggest regret of my life. There was so much blood, Jazz. So much. I thought I had lost him. He came too early. Seven months is not what he needed, but it was my fault, and now he’s two months and I’m the worst mother, again. I cannot even calm him and I’m… God, I messed up. I did everything wrong.”
Pulling her legs up to the seat she curled into herself, trying to control her emotions just long enough to leave the truck, get in her car, and go home. She wanted to be away from the man who meant everything to her and yet had nothing but kept her at a distance. Additionally she had lied to him, probably hurting him more than she’d ever intended, but telling him in-between flashbacks hadn’t been her plan, either.
She’d imagined it so much different, where—for starters—he’d have been happy seeing her, holding onto her, raining kisses on her face before she’d tell him. Instead she’d messed up big time.
“Hey,” Jazz finally said, pulling her into his side again. “Please calm down, Tess. I’m sure you’re not a bad mother, no matter what you tell yourself; and everyone could’ve fallen. Hell, you could’ve slipped at home. But since you didn’t you can stay here now because he’s a US citizen, isn’t he?”
Tessa nodded, uncurling herself before wiping her tears. She needed to look at him while talking, and not be a quivering, crying mess.
“Yes. My new bosses were over the moon having me here, and I went back to work as soon as I could. Hilary took me in, and the radio station pays her to be a full time nanny. I wish they wouldn’t have to, but between the station and you being back the way you are, I—” It was then that she remembered he shouldn’t be there.
“Jesse Connor, you should be at the hospital and not out here. What were you thinking?” she snapped, knowing it wasn’t fair to attack him.
“I wasn’t, Tessa,” he replied, honesty pouring from every word. “I heard you were gone and I knew I had to find you no matter what. I might no longer be the man you deserve and should have at your side, but the thought of you injured or worse was breaking me. I couldn’t live with that, Tessa. In another universe you and I’d be together now. I wouldn’t have left that damn day and we’d be happy, but our son…” His voice cracked at the word and she saw how his eyes glazed over with unshed tears. “…our son deserves something better than a killer as a father. You’re beautiful, and he’s tiny, you’ll find someone else. I’m going to financially support you for as long as you need it, but I’m not going to be part of your lives the way you want it,” he told her and she gaped at him, fury coming over her like a thunderstorm.
“What? That’s what you have to say? That’s all you can think of after finding out you have a son? I’m sorry for whatever happened down there, and I swear, I am trying to be understanding, but whatever did conspire in what you call hell, you need to tell me so I don’t absolutely hate you for this, Jesse. I won’t ask of you to see me if you don’t want to. Hell, I won’t even ask you to talk to me if you don’t want to, but I will ask of you to see your son, even if it is just once.”
“Oh beautiful Tessa,” he groaned, one single tear spilling from his eyes, running over his cheek to vanish in his beard. He drew her in before she knew what was happening, kissing her as if she was the last breath he’d ever draw. “You are perfect in every way, Tessa Rowan, and I know you’re an amazing mother no matter what. You will raise a son anyone would be proud to call their own,” he promised against her lips and she cupped his cheeks.
“Give me the reason why it can’t be you being proud of him,” she implored him, her eyes searching his face, but besides more tears that hadn’t fallen yet, she couldn't tell what he was thinking.
“Go home, Tessa, and forget about me. Don’t ever scare us again, okay? Don’t run, it’s not helping anyone,” he gave back instead of reacting to her words.
Tessa pushed him back even though it caused her physical pain. It was as if parts of her heart were tearing out of her chest as she moved away. “Fine. This is goodbye then, Jesse.”
She turned and slipped out of the car, not daring to look back. She knew he was following her all the way to Hilary’s house, staying even as she didn’t get out. Looking at his headlights in her rearview, she shook her head and decided it was time to face the music, grab her son, and make things right again.
* * *
It was a surprise to him when Jazz parked Tank’s truck back in the hospital parking lot. He couldn’t remember anything after following Tessa to Hilary’s house and making sure she’d go inside instead of vanishing again. After that his mind had been occupied with the fact that he had a son. A tiny human being that had been brought into a world where his father’s carelessness had killed people. He’d never touch that innocent child with his hands, not when they were covered in blood and guilt.
Maybe he should’ve told Tessa that exactly, should’ve told her how many people had died because of him, or should’ve explained to her why he knew it was all his fault, but somehow he’d wanted her to stick to the image she had of him. In her memory at least he wanted to be the man that had left her back in November.
“Did you find her?” Tank appeared out of nowhere, pulling the car door open, startling Jazz.
“Delivered her back to the girls’ house. She’s okay. A little cold, but okay. Is he… is he handsome?” He didn’t want to see the boy because he knew he wouldn’t be able to resist holding him then, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to know more.
“I’m glad she told you, and you better check that out yourself. Now get your ass back into that hospital before your doctor is having a sissy fit. Jesus, that guy is intense.”
“I’m not going to see Tessa or the boy ever again. I can’t, Tank, ever. Kids will bully him in school, and parents will hate on Tessa. They are better off without me in their lives,” he replied, shoving at Tank to make him move and give Jazz the chance to get himself back into the hospital bed he suddenly craved.
“You’re out of your fucking mind, right? You’re a hero, not a killer,” Tank protested, barely budging, and it made Jazz realize how weak he’d gotten. “You love that woman, you idiot. And she loves you. Hell, remember how pussy-whipped you were? You wanted to leave the army for her, dude!”
Jazz finally stumbled past his best friend, covering his head in a desperate attempt to keep from hearing Tank’s words, but he couldn’t ignore them. He should’ve listened to his instincts and stayed with her, especially after seeing her so upset that last morning in the hotel room, but he hadn’t, and never again would be in a position to make a decision like that.
Suddenly there was a loud bang, and though he technically knew it was just the car door being thrown closed by Tank, he fell to his knees, covering his head to protect himself from flying debris. The sand blew up at him, causing tiny cuts to open on his face, and though his knees were pressed to something unyielding, he felt the sun burning down in him as if he knelt on sand instead. Being caught in a flashback was bad enough if you didn’t realize that was what you were seeing, but right that moment he knew he wasn’t down in hell and yet he couldn’t stop the panic from seizing him, from causing phantom pain and his lungs to constrict.
He shivered, trying to get back to his feet and find something to ground him, anything at all to tie him to the then and there, but there was nothing, and he was slipping.
“Run, Corporal, run!” He couldn’t and he knew it.
“I need to get the rest. What happened to the cars? Damn, what’s going on?” Another grenade went off, not far from where he and Caleb crouched near the ground. The force the explosion had made the sand feel like needles, ready to open his skin like paper cuts.
“We’re being attacked. I have no idea why the cars stopped working. You said you checked them all. Hell, you’re the only mechanic. If they weren’t working properly, why let us take them?” In a flash Caleb was on him, and though Jazz knew that they should be getting to safety first, he welcomed the punches his comrade handed out.
“I checked them,” he finally promised around a mouthful of blood. “They were fine. You cannot honestly believe that I’d want us to be killed, can you?”
“It’s just weird—”
A scream interrupted them and Jazz shook his friend off, hearing him curse while he twisted around and found Betty. He needed to save her. He needed to save them all. All who were still alive, that was.
“Betty!” Hands grabbed him and he tried to scramble away.
“Fucker, snap out of it,” he heard, but he just pulled his elbow back until it connected with soft tissue and the hands fell away.
The sun was in his eyes, glaring heat making the landscape swim as he tried to find the dark head he’d just seen. She was the only woman in his unit and he felt personally responsible for her. More than for the others even, and that was already a feat.
More hands reached for him, coming out of nowhere, and he struggled harder and harder the more people grabbed him. He had no clue where they were bringing him, but he wasn’t going to be a captive. He’d rather wanted to die out there.
He knew he was screaming because his throat started to hurt, the sand and heat doing the rest of the work until he felt a sting at his neck and just a few minutes later darkness crowding his vision.
And the last I did was tell Tessa to stay away, he thought before everything went blank and oblivion claimed him.
* * *
After Jazz had left, Tessa had paused in front of the door, her heart hammering in her chest. She was tired to her bones and though she was sure she was all cried out, tears still pooled in her eyes. This was it. Jazz and her were over before they ever really had begun.
She’d failed her son. Again.
Unlocking the door eventually, she stepped into the hallway, turning her back to the stairs and the open hallway. She meticulously turned the key until an echoing crack announced the door locked, then she slowly took off the only jacket she’d still had in her car. When she turned, she found only Hilary there, her blue eyes bloodshot from crying.
“You’re so stupid,” her friend announced before crossing the space between them and hugging Tessa tight. “You’re not a bad mother, woman, and next time you say that I’ll whip your ass, and not in a good way. The only reason I said what I said was because children react to their mothers’ moods. He’s fussy when you’re around because he feels that you’re sad and exhausted. If you were to be happy and singing, eating enough and sleeping properly, so would he, sweetie. That’s all the doctor said. It’s the connection between mother and child. And promise me to never run again. I thought you died. I was so desperate, I went to see Jazz, but you weren’t there. Oh shit, I need to call Tank and him to let them know—”
“He found me,” Tessa interrupted Hilary’s tirade, rubbing her forehead. She had no idea how late it was, but she wanted nothing more than to grab John and curl up in bed with him. No late night trips to the hospital for her anymore. In fact, no trips there over all, period.
“Jazz?” Hilary stepped back and Tessa nodded.
“I told him about John, too. Doesn’t want to see him. Doesn’t want to see me. Couldn’t tell me why. Listen, I’m sorry I worried you. I’m sorry I ran. And I’m sorry you had to watch Johnny during the nights. I’m not going anywhere as soon as evening comes. I swear. I’ll do this right.”
She trudged toward the stairs, her heart heavy.
“Tessa, wait up,” Hilary called and she turned back around, not sure she wanted or needed more talk that night.
“There’s noodles and chicken in white wine sauce. Come on, have some. I even have that cheese you like so much with it. Persian.”
“Parmesan?” she asked, her brow arched and Hilary grinned.
“Yes. Come on. You deserve a treat.”
“Who’s with Johnny?”
“You now,” came a voice from behind her and Tessa turned, finding Aimie come down the stairs with the baby in her arms. He was happily blubbering even though Tessa would’ve expected him to be asleep.
“Hey there, handsome,” she greeted him, lowering her head to his to hide the tears from falling. She felt Hilary step closer, and then Aimie, before Emma joined them, too.
“I was in the kitchen, but then saw you hug, so I had to come,” she announced around a full mouth and Tessa had to laugh through her tears. Things would get better now. They just had to, because Hilary was right, Tessa couldn’t do this any longer.