Jazz couldn’t remember when he’d last tied a tie around his neck, and a real one at that. None of the strap-on or clip-on shit for his proposal night.
“You look good, son,” his mother stated from the doorway and he turned, still trying to fix the knot so it would satisfy him. The blood red tie simply didn’t do what he wanted.
“You’re trembling, Jesse,” his mother pointed out, crossing the few steps between them to take the task from him. “Another flashback?”
“Believe it or not, mom, as much as I’m sure I know how Tessa will react, I am actually nervous, because… well, sometimes that woman doesn’t do what I expect her to do, and that scares the ever-living shit out of me,” he admitted, curling and uncurling his hands at his sides.
“What if she says ‘no’?” Ela wanted to know.
Jazz had tried to think about that moment, and had to say it was a rather real possibility no matter what he liked to tell himself. The thing was nothing would prove to her how serious he was but a ring, and additionally it didn’t matter when he proposed because this marriage was going to happen—and Tessa loved him. He’d felt it when last seeing her, had seen it in her eyes and the longing projected there.
“You think she will?” he finally asked out loud as his mother stepped back, nodding in satisfaction, then meeting his eyes.
“Maybe. I have to say since she became a mother she is different. Last time she was here, or rather the first time we met her, she was a girl unsure of herself.Now she is all woman, knowing exactly what she wants and what she isn’t going to tolerate. You pushed her away more than you held her close, and while I know she loves you—hell, her persistence proved that for sure—she might not make it easy for you.”
Jazz couldn’t help but grin, leaning forward to kiss his mother’s forehead. “Honestly, I don’t think anything with Tessa could ever be hard. Now, things without her? That’s an entirely different story. I know that being on deployment after walking out on her was the hardest thing ever. I know lying in that hospital bed after I returned and not allowing myself to love her the way she deserved was hell. However, everything with her, may it be the fights or the nightmares, have been easy, because she was there and I knew I could hold her, and I could kiss her. Thinking that I don’t deserve her, don’t deserve happiness… it was what truly crushed my soul. I might not be what she deserves, because let’s be honest, she could do a million times better than me with a simple smile, but mom, she is mine and I am hers.”His mom had started to tear up and Jazz winked. “I think me and my charming words can definitely convince Tess to take the beauty of a ring I got for her.” He pulled the box from his pocket, flipping the white velvet case in the air before catching it and hiding it again.
“Won’t you let me see?” his mother sniffled and he laughed.
“No. You can have a look when I have it on my girl.” He checked the clock on his cell, knowing he slowly needed to get going if he wanted to pick up the food he’d arranged and then get Tessa before taking her to their final destination. The sky was clear, just like the weather report had predicted, and still it was chilly. Yet, even for that Jazz was prepared.
“Okay, I need to get going, mom. Don’t wait up for me, okay? If everything goes the way I hope she will at least take me back to her place and let me take care of her and her son today.”
“The girls are there, remember?”
Jazz froze on the stairs, groaning. No, he hadn’t remembered even though Tank had mentioned it just the night before. Aimie and Emma had arrived earlier that morning and it meant the Cope-household was filled to the brim with women and a baby. Shaking the nagging voice in the back of his head off, he kept walking.
“Yup, I have, but that doesn’t stop things from happening. It just alters my plan a little. I might bring John and Tess back,” he called, knowing his mom had followed.
“I’ll set up the traveling crib, just in case,” she answered and he thanked her before walking outside and nearly hopping towards his truck. He’d washed the beast before returning home and due to the current sunshine it sparkled in the light, making him extra proud. Everything was planned through and Jazz knew from there on nothing could go wrong. At least not until he asked the question the way he wanted to. The guys had his back, and as much as he felt sorry for them being out and about since more than an hour, they knew he’d do the same for them.
He got behind the wheel, turning on the music before patting his pocket to make sure the box was still there. He sang while bringing the tuck out of the driveway and once he got on the road, finding it free of other cars, he noticed the darkness which had been lurking in the back of his mind day and night had receded for now.
He wasn’t naïve enough to believe it wouldn’t return that day, and he certainly didn’t count on it to be gone for good, but he took the small reprieve, glad that thoughts of Tessa finally had gotten his mind free.
Maybe it wasn’t the army that had tagged him for life. Maybe it really was Tessa.
Smiling, he rolled down the window, wishing he already were down on his knee, seeing Tessa’s face as he held out the ring and asked the most important question of his life.
* * *
Tessa had returned from the radio station that afternoon to three girls standing around her boy and waiting for her almost literally behind the door.
“There were a dozen roses and a box delivered to you,” Aimie blurted before even telling her hello. Having her two friends back made her realize how close to Christmas they were exactly.
“Yes, Aimie, I’m excited to see you, too. So glad you arrived safely. Thank you, work was good as always,” Tessa teased and dropped her bag on the sofa to have her hands free for a hug. She squeezed the little Australian and then stepped back to hug her Welsh friend.
“Of course we missed you and all, but honestly, we need to know what’s in the box,” Emma exclaimed while Tessa took her son from Hilary.
“It’s probably from lover boy,” Hils stated, rolling her eyes. Tessa had been trying since the early morning to gauge her friend’s mood, but it was impossible. The brunette was acting as if she disliked Jazz currently, but then Tessa had spotted the smallest of smirks during the same talks and no longer knew what it meant.
“Actually yes. He’s going to pick me up at seven,” Tessa relied the information she’d been giving. “He hasn’t told me what we’d do, but had promised me to make sure everything was going to be taken care of, and that I could leave at any given point. He just wanted a chance to date me properly.”
Aimie plopped down on the couch, arching a brow at her. “You dated properly when you first met him. He took you out, remember?”
He somewhat had, Tessa had to agree with that, but she also couldn’t deny that with their limited time it had felt different… more like a speedy relationship. Not that she really needed a date to be ready to see Jazz. She just wanted time with him so they could talk or laugh, or… just be them. No demons, no dangers, no denying of what there was between them.
She’d kept herself from opening the box up until she decided to get ready for the night out with Jazz. It was a simple package with a white bow wrapped around it, and when she lifted the lid, three girls were breathing down her neck while a laugh escaped her lips.
“It’s not even a dress,” Emma complained, but Tessa couldn’t help tearing up anyway.
‘Wear this’ was written in neat print on a small card right on top of the pile, and she discarded the paper on the floor while lifting jeans from the casing.
“It’s not,” Aimie agreed, “but listen to this: You are perfect to me, and I love you each and every way you look, so I want you to wear what you’re most comfortable with,” she read and Tessa turned back to her. “It was what I found on the back of the card,” Aimie explained, handing it back to her.
She recognized Jazz’s handwriting in this from the few letters she’d gotten, and her cheeks heated with pride and happiness. He’d always been a pro when it came to saying exactly the right things to make her feel cherished.
“It is kind of perfect,” Hilary admitted. “I mean we all know Tessa doesn’t like dresses too much, and jeans is her thing.”
It was, but when Tessa turned back and lifted the other item out of the box, she knew it wasn’t even about the jeans. In her hand she held a hoodie with the word army printed across the chest, and she knew instantly it was one of those she’d also gotten from him the very first time they’d met at the airport.
“Cute, but not date-worthy,” Hilary muttered behind her and though Tessa loved the sweater, she still wanted to look good for Jazz. She didn’t care he’d love her just as much with a messy ponytail as he’d do with the waves she currently put in her hair, but it was a fresh start for them; the first day of the rest of their lives, as he’d said, and she wanted to be pretty for him. She wanted to make the effort. In the end she pulled on the jeans, paired it with an elegant black top and a long-sleeved red jacket, before slipping into black heels. She had no clue where he’d take her, but judging by the clothing he’d provided her with, she didn’t think it would be too warm.
“You look incredible,” Hilary told her, being the only one left in the room, and Tessa took a deep breath. It was two minutes to seven, and all she’d left to do was put on perfume and grab her scarf and jacket.
The doorbell rang before she’d even finished that thought, and she swallowed, rubbing the palms of her hands together. They were wet and cold and she chuckled though Hils, too, had vanished and there no longer was anyone around to hear it. Aimie and Emma had gone downstairs minutes ago because they wanted to be there when Jazz came, yet suddenly Tessa wished she would have someone by her side just then. Turning to the mirror, she leaned in.
“You got this. This is not your first ride with this boy,” she told herself and yet couldn’t help the way her heart fluttered and her blood rushed in her ears. There was something in the air that made her knees knock together where she stood.
“Soldier boy is here,” Hilary called up the stairs and another time Tessa inhaled deeply, then she grabbed her clutch, scarf, and jacket and prayed to whomever would be listening that she would not fall down the stairs. Before fully being out though, she went back and also grabbed the hoodie, just in case she decided to wear it after all—or return it to its sender for the final time.
* * *
Jazz had somewhat hoped Tess would be already down and ready to go after he’d rang the doorbell. Instead he found himself right inside the house, his back pressed to the closed door while two blondes and a brunette stared at him.
“Jesse Connor,” Emma greeted him, her expression neutral.
“EmJay. Good to see you back. I heard you’ve just been here a few weeks ago,” he told her, forcing his voice to sound surer than he felt.
“We were,” Aimie piped in, and though she’d always been in his corner, the tiny blonde now glared at him. “You know, right after you came back and Tessa nearly broke herself over going to see you at night when you refused to see her during the day. Sadly we weren’t here when you pushed her away again, because I hear she could’ve used us then, too.”
“Aims, you look good.” He knew charming those ladies wouldn’t work. Whatever he’d thought when leaving his house, he’d been more than wrong.
“Don’t mess this up, Jesse,” Hilary pleaded. Though she normally was the fiercest, that moment she only seemed worried. Reluctantly and with a lot of protest had she agreed to watch the little man while Jazz took Tessa out. His plan B had been his mother and sister. It would’ve been kind of difficult to explain to Tessa why they had to bring the boy away before going on a date.
“I’m not planning to, Hils, and I’m not giving up. If tonight is not the night, then it’ll be another one. As much as I know you’ll hate it, Tessa won’t live much longer with you. She belongs to my side. I promise I’ll return her safe and sound tonight, and if I have any say in it, happy.”
That much he was at least sure of. The girls still watched him when Tessa cleared her throat, coming down the stairs.
“They didn’t kill you. I’m kinda glad, I was excited—”
He knew the exact moment when she fully saw him because her eyes widened and the words left her. She paused, her hand clasped over her mouth and her gaze roamed over him. He couldn’t help himself and followed her example. The jeans definitely were the ones he’d gotten her, but instead of wearing his hoodie she sported a sparkling combination of a tight top and a red blazer. She wore heels and her hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders and around her face.
God, she was beautiful.
“I’m glad I didn’t opt for the hoodie,” she whispered, finally coming down all the way and he swallowed.
“It would’ve been perfect, too.” His voice was raspy, emotions choking him as he took her hand and kissed the back of it before leaning in to press his lips to her forehead.
The irony of them both now being overdressed for their location wasn’t lost on him, but he didn’t say anything.
“Ready?” he asked and Tessa nodded, looking around as if she was searching for something though instead of moving.
“He fell asleep and I put him in his crib,” Hilary supplied and Jazz saw Tess’ shoulders fall.
“Hey, we have time to check on him,” he offered and she met his eyes in question. He smiled at her. “It’s okay. I wanna see him anyway, so let’s go and say goodnight,” he told her and then followed her upstairs. His son slept peacefully, having turned around a little, and before long they were back in the hallway and finally on the way out.
“He’s so hot in a suit,” Aimie muttered before the door had fully closed and Jazz chuckled.
“She’s right,” Tessa mumbled quietly and then winked at him. He helped her into the truck, then went around the front to let himself in, but instead of starting the engine, he turned to her, his expression serious.
“Before we go anywhere, Tess, I wanna say that you can demand me to bring you home at any given moment during this evening. I want this to work with us, but I will not push you beyond of what you’re sure of. You don’t know if you and I can go back just yet? Fine. You don’t know if maybe you want to keep your distance? Okay. Just tell me. I’m not a mind reader, and though I’d appreciate it if we could try to end this evening right, it’s not going to be our last one and I’m not going to be upset, okay? I don’t even deserve you in my car tonight because I haven’t groveled enough, but since you’re here… I’ll try to be the best me I can be.”
“Just being you is enough, Jazz.” She reached out and cupped his cheek. He couldn’t resist kissing her palm, lingering longer than he probably should.
“You were handsome with the beard,” she commented, and he sighed.
“I wasn’t Jazz anymore. I was someone who was caught between past and present. I feel better without it,” he admitted and she moved until she was so close, he was sure she’d just kiss him, and damn, he wanted it. Instead though she rubbed her nose gently across his skin and then let her lips follow.
“You are more handsome like this anyway,” she teased and then pulled back. “Now, let’s go before I explode with curiosity,” she ordered and Jazz laughed.
“Your wish is my command, milady,” he replied, starting the engine and therefore ultimately the night he hoped would turn out to be the best of his life.
* * *
It didn’t take long until Tessa knew where they were going. It was, after all, somewhat their spot. However, arriving by the sea she wasn’t sure she wanted to get out. There were two other cars in the parking lot.Yet, while she spotted those, she didn’t see any people. Instead, there were torches lining a small way down to the beach.
“There’s a table there, and I’d love to eat with you before we sit in the back of my truck and I play a few songs for you,” Jazz explained and Tessa smirked though her eyes were filled with tears.
“You really got out every cliché, didn’t you?” she laughed and he chuckled.
“Ever wonder how they come to be? I tell you. By people doing that for their girls and them actually enjoying it without complaining,” he teased, making her blush.
“That wasn’t what I meant, Jesse. It’s incredible, and I totally wear the wrong shoes for that.”
She slid out of the truck and he stepped closer, making her look up at him. “Wrong shoes for the sand? I can help you with that.”
He picked her up, bridal style, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, gently letting her fingertips slide through the soft hair at the back of his neck.
“I can walk,” she protested, but he just shook his head.
“I like holding you close,” Jazz whispered against her cheek, reaching the table before putting her down and letting her take a seat. “I’ll be right back, I’m just gonna get the food.”
“Oh God, pasta and chicken?” Tessa squealed the moment the scent hit her nose and he nodded, putting a little bit of everything on her plate before sitting down in front of her. There was a candle in a high glass case in the middle of the table, illuminating his face—and making her able to see that though he’d told her to dig in, he hadn’t taken a bite.
“Is it not good?” she asked, knowing that couldn’t be it.The food all but melted on her tongue, causing her to wish overeating weren’t frowned upon.
Instead of answering, he took his fork and knife, cutting off a piece of chicken before chewing it deliberately, swallowing with an almost painful expression.
It caused her to put her own cutlery down. “What is going on, Jazz?” she wanted to know and he gave her a strained smile.
“Nothing. Just eat, Tess. I’m not really hungry. Mom made muffins and I just couldn’t resist eating one or two. It spoiled my appetite,” he told her and averted his eyes.
He was lying, and she couldn’t figure out why.
“So, this is how we’re going to do it, Jazz? You’ll be lying to me for no apparent reason?” Her appetite vanished in the blink of an eye and she swallowed. “I thought we were over that part. What is it? Are you going back on deployment? Is that why you did this whole thing? To charm me and tell me everything you promised me won’t happen, but that you probably want me to wait for you another time? Is that it?”
He wouldn’t break up with her over a ridiculously romantic dinner, would he? Tessa dismissed the notion almost instantly and hoped it was indeed the deployment. Actually, she hoped it would be neither of those things.
“Hey, how did you go from me not eating to me leaving you behind again? I mean…” He looked honestly confused, his handsome face drawn into tight lines.
She bit her tongue a few times to keep the tears from falling, then she cleared her throat. “I… I don’t know, Jesse. You’re too nervous to eat, strung like a guitar string, and instead of just… I don’t know, telling me what’s bothering you, you lie to me. I can read you, soldier, have been able to for a while now, and this,” she waved her hand around, meaning the whole setup, “is amazing, and tells me you actually put a lot of thought into it, but… I have no idea what can possibly make you so nervous that you lie, and refuse to eat, and tremble.” Because when he reached for his wine glass she saw his hands shake. “It can only be bad news and you’re trying to soften me up for the blow,” she concluded, staring down at her hands in her lap.
From the corner of her eye she saw Jazz get up and then move her chair with her on it until he fell to his knees in front of her, grabbing her hands. When she still didn’t meet his eyes, she felt him press a fingertip gently under her chin until she looked at him.
“I’m taking you on a romantic date, one that I’m super nervous about, and you think it has to be something bad?” he inquired and she sniffled. The breeze had picked up, whipping blonde strands across her face until she shook her head and shrugged. It wasn’t exactly cold, but she figured where he was keeling he had to feel the lower temperatures. It made her worry.
“You know, you can perfectly well explain everything to me from your chair,” she pointed out and watched in surprise how he rested his forehead against their entwined hands, his shoulders shaking as if he was sobbing.
“Jazz,” she whispered, panic creeping into her voice when she noticed he was laughing.
“Only you, Tessa Rowan, could come on a date and worry it has a bad background, and only you would want to make sure someone else is fine when you’re actually a mess,” he exclaimed and then cupped her cheek. She couldn’t help but lean into the warmth, proud of her that so far she had kept her tears at bay. However, the way it looked Jesse was finally gearing up to his confession, and with that she decided all bets were off.
* * *
He’d meant to play songs to her, hold her, and laugh with her before popping the question, but his stomach was churning with worry and it had kept him from acting normal. He should’ve known she’d pick up on it, yet he couldn’t possibly have guessed she’d think it was something bad he was going to tell her.
“Tess, we’ve been through so much together, and I messed up. I messed up after finding out you were back here, though I do know that you understand where I came from. You forgave me for pushing you away when you and I needed each other most, and I didn’t deserve that. I messed up when Caleb came and I did it again… the pushing away. But mostly I messed up when I left for my deployment instead of passing it up.”
“Shut up, Jesse Connor, you didn’t. You love the army, and the army loves you. You’re one of those soldiers this country needs: devoted, loyal, gracious. What kind of woman would I have been not letting you go when that was your wish? What kind of girlfriend would I be for you if I wouldn’t understand where you’re coming from? Don’t ever, Corporal, say you messed up in walking away from me for something that was bigger than both of us,” she interrupted, her eyes glittering with anger in the soft light of the torches. “You didn’t hear what they all said about you. I know you didn’t, because we didn’t play it all on air, but Jesse, you touched so many lives during that deployment, made so many days better for guys down there, I refuse to think it was all bad.”
He swallowed, clearing his throat a few times before he could speak again. If he’d ever doubted that Tessa just knew him, it certainly would’ve been over now. “Can you please not interrupt me?” he inquired and she arched a brow.
“I will if I think you’re being stupid,” she fussed with a smile and he laughed, knowing it sounded strained even to his own ears.
“You changed me for the better. I was more compassionate, more patient, more devoted after meeting you because I knew you thought the world of me. You considered me to be better than I was, and I wanted to be just that. However, everything changed when I was gone, and by that I don’t mean I stopped wanting to be better for you, or anything for you at all, but I saw things, and lived through things that made me doubt I could ever be the man you deserve.
“And I’m not. There’s no doubt in my mind you could get any guy you want, but still, you’re here, with me, because for whatever reason you want to be mine. And yes, I can say it like that because… well, you didn’t close the door in my face today, nor did you any other time, and that can only mean you love me, no matter what you maybe want to feel.” He winked at her and she laughed, tears welling in her eyes again. Finally this was going more the way he’d planned.
“When being away I couldn’t think about anything but starting a family with you. After all, I didn’t know you’d basically done that without me already. And a good thing that is, too, because I think John was a huge part of why you didn’t turn away when I came back. I’d like to think it was my charming personality, but we know it would be a lie.”
Another time she giggled and then surprised him by cupping his face and kissing him briefly. “It was the way you desperately clung to me when being not quite awake yet. I knew your feelings hadn’t changed, and baby boy or not, it would’ve made me return,” she told him, the conviction shining brightly in her eyes.
“I’m a blessed man,” Jazz gave back, taking her hands in his again. “I’m a broken man, too. I’m a haunted man, and I’m a man in love, and we’re actually here because no matter if you decided to take me back yet or not, I know that we’re it. You’re my forever girl, and even if you walk away now, nothing will ever change that. So no, this isn’t about me leaving again. In fact, this is the exact opposite! This is about me asking you to become Mrs. Jesse Connor.”
He reached for the velvet box and opened it, the stone catching the light the way he’d imagined in. “Will you marry me, Tessa Rowan?” he asked and then forced himself to meet her eyes.
She’d covered her face with her hands, peeking at him above the tips of her fingers, which made it nearly impossible to gauge her reaction.
“You damn idiot,” she suddenly cried and Jazz had to admit he had nothing. There was nothing he could reply to that, nothing he could think at her exclamation.
“I thought you were breaking up with me, or that… that… I mean… you want to marry me!” Her whole face lit up at that and it told him all he needed to know.
“Yes, I want to marry you,” he confirmed and she nodded.
“I know, you said that. Jesse, I cannot… I mean… don’t ever push me away again,” she demanded and he had a hard time to not get up, push the ring on her finger and kiss her senseless. How hard could it be for a woman to say three simple letters?
“Does that mean what I think it means?” he wondered and she dropped to her knees in front of him.
“Of course it does. Yes, Jesse, I want to marry you. Yes! Yes. Yes,” she finally stated and his shoulders sagged. Up until that last moment, he’d worried it would still go all wrong.
“And have more of my babies, too?” he tagged on while trying to hold her trembling fingers still long enough to put the ring where it belonged.
“That, too,” she agreed and he drew her close, kissing her until there was no more air left.
A hollering made her pull back and he watched how she squinted into the darkness. From where she sat she’d never see his comrades.
“I made the guys stand guard so no one would interrupt the dinner,” he explained. “Seems they watched when they shouldn’t have,” he then added and she giggled.
He shrugged and then stood, turning to the guys while doing a fist pump. He didn’t care how macho the gesture was, because that moment Jazz could’ve kissed the world. Finally he had it all.
He kissed her again then, and nothing had ever felt as good as her mouth on his, and her promise in his heart.