Debate club had never been more boring.

I spent the whole time checking my phone, anxious to finally get home. But I had no texts, no calls. Nobody was as eager as I was to get me back home and it was really disappointing. I wished Levi had sent me a message. Something, anything to let me know he missed me as much as I missed him.

“Hey, Miss Distracted,” a voice interrupted me, and I looked up into the smiling face of Ryan, a guy that had been in my class since we were in primary school. “You seem like you’re in a world of your own today. Everything okay?”

I sighed and waved a hand dismissively, but he took it as an invitation and sat down on the chair next to mine. The rest of the group was busy practicing their speeches, everyone was grouped off, and I’d spent the whole time there worrying about what I’d done and what was going to come out of it.

“I guess I’m just dealing with some stuff at the moment,” I said to Ryan. “Nothing you should worry about.”

“Uh oh,” he furrowed his eyebrows. “It doesn’t sound like nothing. You sure you’re okay? There isn’t something going on at home again, is there?”

I sighed heavily and he gave me a knowing look. I used to be very close with Ryan, but as the years passed, our friendship cooled off a little. I always suspected he had a little crush on me. I just wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so I chose to ignore it instead.

“It’s fine,” I told him.

“Is it about your mom again?” he asked me worriedly, and I didn’t want to look at him, because I knew he’d figure it out right away.

That was the problem with old friends. They knew you so well they were aware right away when something was off. And since Ryan had spent a lot of time at our house, he knew my mom had a temper, and he knew all about her tumultuous relationship with Levi as well.

“I’m not going to pry,” he said gently. “As long as you know you can talk to me about anything, at any time. You do know that, don’t you, babe?”

“Of course,” I said. “And I really appreciate it, you know that.”

My voice sounded strained even to my own ears. He could tell I was pretending, I was sure of it. But that was the great thing about Ryan. He never pried, and he didn’t push me to reveal things I didn’t want to.

“Do you maybe want to grab a drink later?” he asked me, and I shrugged.

“Hey,” I said, remembering something. “Do you remember when you got your driving permit?”

“Yeah,” he grinned. “You made me drive you everywhere for five months until you got yours.”

“Are you still mad about that?” I giggled.

“Not at all,” he told me. “It would be nice to get something in return, though…”

He waggled his eyebrows at me and I laughed out loud.

“Like a life-long friendship and a shoulder to cry on anytime,” I told him, firmly putting him in the friendzone.

Ryan sighed and stared at me with longing in his eyes, but there was a smile playing on his lips nonetheless. So I’d dodged that bullet, at least. Now maybe we could move on and do something fun, something we used to do a couple of years ago.

“When you got your permit,” I told him. “Do you remember how we used to go on those crazy long drives? We’d just fill up the tank, jump in the car, and go.”

“I remember,” he said wistfully, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. “We had a nice time, didn’t we, Kenny?”

“It was great,” I confessed. “I loved driving around with you. Do you think maybe we could go for a drive today, after debate club? I’d like that a lot. We could go somewhere, anywhere. Doesn’t even matter. I just want to get away from… everything… Just for a few hours.”

“Sure, Ken,” he said with an easy smile. “We can do anything you want.”

That was what I’d always loved about Ryan. He was always so easy going, always ready to do something fun and spontaneous. Not that I was very fun – or spontaneous – myself. That was more Amanda’s thing… but even I had my moments.

* * *

“You ready?”

I came out of the gas station carrying two bags filled with snacks. This was another one of our things. We used to stop at the gas station and stock up on so much unhealthy junk food we couldn’t eat anything overly salty or sweet for weeks.

For some reason though, it felt nice to be doing something that we used to all those years ago. Slipping into a routine with Ryan was always so easy, and I couldn’t help wanting it. Just some small reminder of when things weren’t so complicated would do me good.

“Ready, locked and loaded,” I grinned at him, showing him my overflowing bags.

“Did you get my sour–”

“Cream and onion chips?” I asked, lifting them out of the bag. “How could I forget? I still have the horrifying memory of your breath after you eat these things.”

“Oh yeah, gummy bear queen?” he teased me, and I laughed again. “We’ll see about that. Now get in, I have the perfect spot for us to go to.”

I climbed in the car and he revved up the engine, getting ready to take off. Ryan drove a convertible, a 16th birthday present from his parents. They were rich, but they’d treated him like an accessory since the day he was born. Ryan used to confide in me about it, but over the past years we’d grown apart, and I didn’t know that much about him anymore. I did, however, remember him getting the expensive car as a birthday gift and being so upset, because it really didn’t make up for all the time his parents spent away from their home and their son.

“Where are we going?” I asked him, a note of compassion slipping into my voice.

Ryan didn’t notice, or if he did, he didn’t bring it up.

“I have the perfect spot,” he told me. “But you’re not allowed to know before we get there. Now buckle up, babe!”

I cringed at the nickname he used. It reminded me too much of Levi and the whole mess we’d gotten ourselves into, and I couldn’t even bring myself to think about it. I just wanted to get away, even if it was just for an afternoon. I needed a break.

“Turn the music up,” Ryan suggested over the roar of the engine.

The wind blew my long dark hair all around me as we took off. My long locks slapped me in the face and I put my mirrored sunglasses on, loving the breeze and the freedom only a car like this could bring. I rummaged in the glovebox and found a stack of old CDs we used to play when we went out together.

“You still got these?” I asked him over the roar of the engine, and he nodded with a grin.

“Put them on,” he told me, and I hesitated. “Come on, babe. For old times’ sake.”

“What the hell,” I shrugged, and slipped one of the discs into the slot.

A familiar sound filled the car as a song we used to listen to all the time blasted from the speakers. I laughed out loud when Ryan honked in greeting, raising my arms above my head. I felt freer than I had in ages, and it felt good.

I loved that Ryan let me have my moment. It was hard to talk in the convertible with the roof down anyway, and I really just needed that music and distraction away from my regular life, which was threatening to creep back in through the cracks.

I belted out the lyrics to the song and Ryan sang with me as we drove down to the beach. I realized where we were going after he took a different exit on the highway, and I grinned at him with pleasure.

“Ryan,” I said happily. “You aren’t taking me to…”

“The cove,” he smiled at me. “Of course I am. You didn’t think I’d forget, did you?”

I stared at him for a long time, affection choking me up. He really was a good friend and I never should have blown him off just because he had a little crush on me. That was bound to blow over, anyway. Surely he was over it by now.

“Thank you,” I mouthed, and he gave me a thumbs-up, his other hand steering the wheel.

I felt so free, so relaxed. I hadn’t felt that good in a very long time and it sure as hell felt good, and so relaxing I just wanted to laugh the whole ride to the beach. I really needed to get away, and I only realized it now that we were on our way.

I quickly checked my phone only to find my battery was almost dead. I didn’t have anyone to text anyway, so I stashed my phone back in my purse and decided not to stress about it.

The drive to the beach only took an hour or so, and then Ryan parked in a lot just next to the beach. Our cove was a little walk away. It was a place we used to go to with our parents, back when Mom still gave a shit about both of her daughters. Ryan’s parents hadn’t had those crazy busy jobs back then, and we spent a lot of time on the beach here. It had been so nice, but now, walking on the sand felt like a different place.

“Do you ever wonder…” I asked Ryan as we walked along the beach, my words trailing off to nothing.

“What if?” he asked, and I looked at him.

His face was blotchy and red, and I knew he was getting choked up.

“Sometimes,” he muttered, and that was all we said on the subject.

There was nothing left to say, anyway. Both our family lives were a total mess. For the past few months, I felt farther away than ever from my mother. She so obviously favored Mandy, and I didn’t want to be a jealous little brat, but it still hurt sometimes.

Just for one day, I wanted to know what it felt like to be her favorite. I wanted to know what it was like to have her attention, her affection. She only gave those things to Amanda though, and I’d just have to swallow that bitter pill down. I couldn’t be jealous of my own sister.

I carried my sandals in my hand, my toes digging into the sand warmed from the afternoon sun, and cool water lapping at my feet. It felt so nice, as if the waves were carrying away all of my worries, washing them away along with the grains of sand between my toes.

We walked in companionable silence until we reached the cove.

I remembered us finding it all that time ago, when we were so much younger, so much more carefree.

We stumbled upon it during low tide, because it was unreachable otherwise. It was a beautiful sandy cove where the only sound was the waves echoing in the cove, and my mind always felt so clear there. Ryan and I used to call it our thinking cove, and I still remember us talking about anything and everything in its peaceful chamber.

We always used to go there in the late afternoons, because that was when the tide was low, and we loved being by ourselves in our very own thinking space. Amanda and Ryan had never been particularly close – I think they’d always been a little jealous of each other – so this was a time and place I only shared with him.

“It looks exactly the same,” I exclaimed once we finally reached it, wading through knee-deep water to get on the sand inside.

I was grateful I’d worn a sundress even though it was getting a little chilly for it now, because Ryan’s jeans were soaked through on the bottom.

“It hasn’t been that long, you know,” he told me, laying his jacket down on the wet sand.

We sat down on it and dipped our toes into the water. It felt so nice being there, reminding me of less complicated times, of easier things. The water washed away my worries once again, and Ryan left me alone with my thoughts. I assumed he needed a moment to gather his own, too.

I thought about it all.

About my mom being so distant, about growing apart with Amanda. Being twins, I always thought she was my best friend. She was the one I confided in, the one I trusted implicitly. She was my sister, after all. But lately it didn’t feel like that at all. It felt like Amanda was building a life of her own, and I wasn’t welcome in it.

It had been months since we’d done anything together, weeks since she’d asked me how things were going. She stopped hanging out with me at school, and at home, she spent all her time with Mom. Neither of them seemed to care about me at all.

And then there was Levi.

Sometimes it felt like he was the only one in the house who actually gave a shit about me. And I couldn’t lie to myself, it felt good getting that kind of attention, knowing I’d always been his favorite. I couldn’t get enough of it.

What happened between us hadn’t been right. But the fact that it wasn’t felt so deliciously, wickedly good, I just couldn’t help wanting more.

I’d never seen Levi in that light. Never saw him as a man I could fall for, always just as a father figure… But that night, walking into my room with such an authoritative air, I would have done anything for him. And I had.

I felt a lone tear slide down my cheek as I thought about my future in the family home.

Mom and Levi were bound to get a divorce sooner rather than later, and then what?

I wouldn’t have a single ally in the house, and I’d feel lonelier than ever.

I felt something touching me, and I looked down to find Ryan’s hand on top of mine. I looked up into his eyes, and he was watching me with this mesmerized, hopeful expression that made my heart sink all the way down into my stomach.

“Ryan, I…” I stammered, but he put a finger on his lips and leaned closer to me, trying to kiss me.

I turned my cheek towards him and his lips landed on it, feeling wet and so very wrong, nothing like Levi’s.

“Ryan,” I said softly, not daring to look up at him. “I’m sorry, I just… I don’t feel that way about you.”

He didn’t say a word back.

I felt his hand retreat and we sat there awkwardly for another couple of minutes until I heard a strange sound.

I looked over to Ryan to find him chuckling to himself, and I couldn’t hold back the giggle that escaped my own lips.

“What?” I asked curiously.

“Just… this,” he finally said. “This whole situation. I’ve been trying so hard to get your attention, to just make you see I liked you.”

“I’m sorry,” I confessed guiltily. “I just don’t feel that way.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Ryan reached for my hand again, but this time around, he just squeezed it gently. “I totally get it. We were friends before, it’s weird.”

I looked away feeling guiltier than ever. It wasn’t really about that, was it?

I hadn’t liked Ryan when we were kids. He was a lanky, scaredy-cat wuss, but since then he had sure as hell grown up. I could see myself falling for him… we had so much in common, and he was so handsome.

But there was someone else, and I could no longer deny the feelings I had for him. For Levi.

“Yeah,” I lied smoothly. “It would just be weird.”

Ryan nodded and got up briskly, offering me a hand to help me get up. I accepted it gratefully, feeling happy we were able to move past the little mess we’d almost gotten ourselves into. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with him.

“What do you say we head back home?” he asked. “I’ll drop you back at your place. And we don’t have to speak about this again.”

“Okay,” I said, and he pulled back, going towards the car. “Ryan, wait.”

He gave me a quizzical look over his shoulder and I ran up to him, timidly wrapping my arms around him. He seemed surprised, but after a second or two, he returned my friendly hug.

“I just wanted to thank you,” I said shyly. “Today meant a lot to me, and I’m sorry we dropped out of touch. You’re a good friend.”

“I know,” he teased. “You’re the bad one.”

I punched his shoulder and ran after him. I chased him all the way to the parking lot, and if it wasn’t for the constant, needy ache for Levi between my legs, I could almost convince myself I was a little kid again.