Epilogue
On November, 25th at 4:32 pm, Destiny Lynn Williams was born, weighing just a little over four pounds and measuring up to eighteen inches long. That day, when I locked eyes on my baby girl, I knew my life would never be the same. She stole my heart and wrapped her tiny little finger around it for her keeping.
The day she was born was the same day they took her to the NICU, and for the last three weeks Chatty and I have been in a whirlwind of emotions. We’ve spent every minute we can at the hospital being with our daughter. I remember the first time going in the children’s hospital was overwhelming; we didn’t know what to expect, and we were terrified at what we would enter into. It had been two days since we had seen her, and even then, we didn’t get very much time with her. Chatty cried, and I was struggling, trying to stay strong, only hangin’ on by a thread. Lookin’ around, seeing other kids, sick kids, toddlers hooked to IVs being pulled in wagons by their parents, others wearing masks with not a hair on their heads—it was heartbreaking to say the least. I can’t even imagine what those parents must feel, or what they have to deal with.
We checked in with security, who directed us where to go, did the three-minute hand washing and then sanitizing before we were allowed back. We walked into room 504 and it was quiet and dark, except for the light coming from the hallway, where her nurse’s computer sat—oh, and it was warm. There she was, so tiny, lying in her little hospital bassinet, sleeping so peacefully with a feeding tube coming out of her nose and other wires sticking out of the receiving blanket she is wrapped up in.
As the first week came to an end, we learned how to feed, bathe, change, and dress her, and we had to check her temperature every three hours to make sure she was self-regulating it. We spent hours watching videos, reading papers, doing tests, and learning CPR in order to bring our baby home. They got our hopes up that first week by saying she would be able to come home the following week.
So, we were pumped; we brought her diaper bag and car seat, ready to take her home. She was maintaining her temperature, she no longer had the heat on her, she wasn’t taking oxygen, she had pulled her feeding tube out and was digesting all of her food, and she was gaining weight after losing several ounces. The day before she was supposed to come home, her stats started dropping, and they decided to keep her for another two weeks.
Chatty got real depressed after that—she wanted our baby home. I think she started having postpartum depression; she would cry every waking minute of every day. When she would sleep, she would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And I had not a fuckin’ clue how to help her. I talked to the other girls, but none of them had experienced what she was going through. All I could do was be there for her and keep reminding her that it wouldn’t be too much longer before we would bring our baby home.
Today is that day!
We got all of her discharge papers signed, we did our lesson in how to work her breathing monitor—because she is still having some problems not breathing at night, she has to come home with this monitor that has to be attached to her at all times. I’m kind of glad, because she is so little; it’s like extra comfort in case something was to happen. We got her dressed in a little brown and pink polka dot outfit Tinsley bought her, then loaded her up in her car seat—and now, we are heading home.
Chatty is healing up nicely from her surgery, but is on orders not to drive or lift anything heavier than the baby in her car seat for six weeks—and with my inability to drive, Tinsley will be our chauffeur for the next few weeks. She was happy to agree if it meant she got to see her baby cousin.
My mom and Tinsley are the only two that have met Destiny. When we would go to the NICU we felt like it was our time to be with our baby and we wanted that for ourselves. We told everyone else they would have to wait until she came home. They understood and respected our wishes. The day my mom met her granddaughter, she instantly fell in love. As did Tinsley.
The nurses always told us how much they loved her, and how good of a baby she was. I think our daughter is going to have an effect on anyone that comes in her vicinity.
“Tinsley, can we go somewhere first?” Chatty asks from the backseat. She wanted to sit back there so she could watch Destiny as we rode home.
“Sure. Where you want to go?” Tinsley gazes in the rearview mirror, then watches the road again.
“The cemetery.” Tinsley and I eye each other. We know why she wants to go there, but knowing what happened last time, we both feel a little uneasy.
Pulling up on the gravel road, Tinsley parks her car. She gets my chair since Chatty can’t lift anything yet, and I get into it as Chatty gets herself and Destiny out. Together, we go to Ripper’s grave; it’s cold and there’s snow on the ground, so we can’t be here for long. We have Destiny bundled up in about ten receiving blankets and Chatty has the monitor hanging over her shoulder.
She stands in front of the headstone and turns Destiny to face it as well. “Look at her, Ripper. Isn’t she beautiful? I know that if you were here you would love her, even as weird as that sounds.” She laughs and continues, “For a long time, I thought my heart was broken, to never be fixed again. I thought there was only room in there for you, but I was wrong. I fell in love again. Even though I will always hold a place for you, Gunner owns me now, and I love him so much, Ripper. He gave me this beautiful little girl and my heart is split between her and her daddy. I will never forget you.” She swipes a tear off of her cheek.
She turns to face me. Taking a few steps, she places the monitor on my lap and then hands me Destiny. Holding our baby close to my chest, I kiss the blankets that top her head. Chatty turns back to Ripper’s grave. “It took a lot of time and the help of many people for me to get over grieving your death. I believe you were there every step of the way. Thank you for loving me and thank you for wanting me to find this happiness.” She places her hand on the top of the headstone, then bends down, kissing more snow than stone.
I was waiting until later to do this, but something is telling me to do it now. “Chat.”
“Yeah?” She turns until her beautiful blue eyes meet mine. Pulling the two-carat ring from my pocket, I hold it out in front of me.
“I don’t have some big long speech or anything, but I will talk from my heart. I noticed you long before you noticed me. I knew what we could be long before you knew. We have been through so fuckin’ much, and we made it through together. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I love you with every part of my being. Every day that I get to wake up next to you, I fall more in love with you. Every night that I get to hold you as we fall asleep, I thank fate for you returning home and giving me the chance to love you. I told you I wanted every-fucking-thing with you, and there’s only one thing left. Will you marry me?”
Biting down on her bottom lip, tears cascade down her cheeks, and she nods. “Yes.” Grabbing her hand, I place the ring on her finger, and she gives me a slow, sweet kiss.
Smiling, I ask, “When?”
With a mixture of laughing and crying, she says, “Someday.”