‘See, I’ve got you home safe and sound,’ Drew said as we pulled up to the cottages.

‘I’m grateful.’

‘You’ll trust me next time?’

‘Next time? I need to recover from this date first!’

‘I guess it was a date,’ Drew said softly.

Blake had driven us back to Karensa in silence, Drew scrunched into one side of the car and me in the other. Nervous glances were often exchanged, but it was like he was hooked up to a device that would give him an electric shock if we touched. I knew he’d returned to battling his demons, the result of offering me a perfect date night after our sexually charged encounter from earlier in the day. All roads pointed to rounding off the night with sexytimes to rival my novels. But sexytimes at this stage in our friendship would change everything, propel us into something more than we’d already become, and that was the reason for his leg shakes and deep sighs.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, hoping to clear the way for easy conversation.

‘Nothing,’ he replied, smiling briefly, trying to reassure me that everything was fine when I knew it was anything but. Drew’s smile had left him just before he expertly landed the plane, and jittery was the only word I could use to describe his body language.

‘Thank you for today,’ I said, wanting to be honest. ‘I had a wonderful time. I feel inspired. I might spend the rest of the evening getting lost on Pinterest looking at Christmas decorations and how to make 3D cards.’ His head snapped round like he was trying to make sense of my bouncy, everything’s fine, completely normal sentence. Was it the reference I’d made to spending the rest of the night doing something that didn’t involve him thrusting me to orgasm and was it shocking because he actually did want that too?

Oh, please want that too.

‘Oh…right. Yep. OK,’ he replied, scooting out of the car as soon as it parked like Blake was about to blow the doors off. I waited for him to open my side, but Blake beat him to it. When I got out, Drew was unloading the boot, putting the picnic basket outside his front door. I saw him reach for the keys in his pocket, his hand stopping and hovering three times in succession before he finally decided not to end the night just yet.

‘Thanks, Blake. You can go now,’ he said. Blake nodded his head and smirked behind his hand.

‘That was great driving, Blake. Smooth.’ I rolled my hand and said goodbye. Once the car reversed, we were left in a stand-off, Drew on one side, me on the other. He had his hands dipped into his back pockets and I wrapped my arms around myself to stop the winter chill. Or perhaps it was the Drew effect. Spine shivers and goosebumps.

‘So,’ Drew said.

‘So,’ I repeated.

‘Feeling more Christmassy?’

‘Christmassed out,’ I replied, inventing a word I’d probably never use again.

‘Good.’

‘Great.’

‘Excellent.’

‘Fab,’ I replied.

‘So then…’

‘Yes?’ I asked, hopeful that on the next breath his mouth would be on mine.

‘I’d better go in,’ he said rather disappointingly.

‘Would you like a hot drink?’ I asked quickly, pointing over my shoulder to the cottage.

‘Yes,’ he replied hastily before shaking his head. ‘Actually, I’d better see to Archie.’ He nodded firmly. ‘He’s probably got the bladder the size of a football by now.’

‘Lovely. Thanks for sharing,’ I smiled, trying to ignore the sizzles of hope fizzling out.

‘Cal?’ Drew said, sighing and rubbing his forehead with his fingers.

‘Yes,’ I replied, trying to read his thoughts, get a measure of his thinking, see into the battle he was having with himself.

‘I had a great time today.’

‘Me too.’

‘About earlier,’ he said.

‘Yes?’

‘Are we OK?’

‘I’m OK if you are,’ I replied.

He blew out a heavy breath. A look of defeat crossed his features as he pulled out his keys only to push them back in his pocket again.

‘Cal.’

‘Yes.’

‘Part of me wants to run to you, but there’s still a tiny part that’s fearful.’ He pinched his fingers and scrunched his face. ‘I hate that part. Really fucking hate it.’

‘I hate it too.’

He sighed like he was trying to balance his body through a pain that was tearing him apart inside. His body language screamed I’m conflicted.

‘Can I say something before you go? Just to see if it would help to blow the fear away?’ He nodded and I took a deep breath. ‘Earlier today, if Blake hadn’t knocked on the door, I’m pretty sure you would have kissed more than my thigh.’

I watched as he lips lifted into a smile.

‘I was a breath away from somewhere far more intimate,’ he replied, fighting to keep his breath steady. He smiled instead. ‘It was awesome.’

I bit my lip.

‘You were with me, Drew. There was no fear.’

‘The fear excites in equal measures it terrifies,’ he replied, his breath hitching. He stepped forward, pushed my hair behind my shoulder. ‘Perhaps it was a good thing we were interrupted.’

‘No,’ I whispered, brushing our fingers. ‘Never good.’

‘I’m still trying to make up my mind.’

‘Let me help you,’ I whispered. His hand found my waist pulling me towards him in that melty, needy way I’d written about so often and longed for in my real world.

‘I want to give you all of me, but I’m not sure I can.’

Take me, I’m yours.

‘Stay with me tonight.’

‘Archie,’ he replied, lacing our fingers together, letting them go. One word. A million excuses.

‘Bring him with you.’

‘I can’t,’ he rushed out. ‘I mean…he likes his home comforts…loves his…rug.’

‘Sure. Rugs are vitally important to dogs,’ I said stepping back, missing his hands as they fell away from my waist, unable to go through rejection again. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Wait,’ he shouted as I headed towards the cottage. ‘I go backwards and forwards with the sensible arguments as to why I should stay away, but the want, Cal…it’s always there. I can’t leave you alone.’

‘Then don’t!’

‘It’s not that easy.’

‘It should be,’ I replied. ‘After today. It should be.’

I stood back, ready to pull out the white flag and surrender to his let’s just be friends excuses. I couldn’t stop the disappointment in my tone; it was threaded through my words, but fuck, I was tired of this.

‘Goodnight, Drew.’

I could hear the quickness of my steps against the ground, the drive of my mission to get back to the cottage when all I wanted to do was pray that I would feel his hand on my shoulder as he turned me around with a fire, a need to have me so deep, nothing could stop us. Instead I pushed the key into the lock, my hands shaking. Everything fell into slow motion, the twist and turn of the key, the shoulder bash to open it. Stepping inside, wiping my feet, turning to shut it, and then the frustration leading me to shout out at the top of my lungs.

‘Argh!’

Then silence, apart from my heartbeat.

And finally…Drew’s voice.

‘Cal,’ he mumbled through the door. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Balls,’ I said under my breath, looking into the mirror and blinking three times in the hope I would magically disappear. If he’d heard me—kill me now—that meant he hadn’t left and maybe that meant he was still undecided and maybe, just maybe…’

I opened the door.

‘Hey,’ I said, leaning against it nonchalantly in an attempt to pull back some control rather than hand him my sobbing soul.

‘I thought I heard something.’

‘Oh. Yes. The door. It still needs something…squirty,’ I replied making the actions that looked a lot like I was squeezing a dick.

‘Right,’ he replied, his eyes following my hand actions. His throat bounced. He took a step closer. So did I. Couldn’t help myself.

‘Is that all?’

‘I can’t end the night like this,’ he whispered.

‘Please. Don’t do this again,’ I said, a tear escaping, finally showing the full magnitude of my feelings for him.

‘Do what, Cal?’ he whispered.

‘The backwards and forwards, “She’s so beautiful. The most beautiful girl on the island, but I can’t give you anything” spiel.’ I knew I was mocking him, but I didn’t care. ‘Don’t come to me drunk, wanting to play chess or stand at your window and strip, tempting me to touch myself with your chiseled body and humongous cock.’ He looked serious but didn’t stop me so I carried on. ‘Stop throwing me those glances you think I don’t notice and the faraway looks that make me wonder what’s going on in that head of yours apart from, I need this woman like I need my next breath.’ He nodded. Rubbed his scuff. ‘I see it all, Drew, and I can’t take it anymore. The nice words, the food, the kissing of my thigh! You kissed my bloody thigh! I want to leave this island sane, so, for the rest of my time here, please leave me alone. It will be better for both of us.’