Monday night Mallory’s shifts in the pub started again. It was good to see Ron. He said he had missed her smiling face behind the bar and his beer hadn’t tasted quite as good with her not pouring it for him. Colin and Christine called in for dinner and she sat chatting with them for a while. Mallory learned that Christine made the most beautiful jewellery. She was wearing a gorgeous amethyst necklace and earrings that she had crafted using real gemstones. It was stunning. They were such a lovely couple.
Tuesday meant Greg would perform at the pub again. As usual he was on top form. He wore a new shirt – this one was white with folded back sleeves and a tiny pale blue paisley pattern on. It made him look tanned. He was so happy when he was performing and it was an infectious happiness that brought the pub to life. Mallory was bobbing up and down and singing along when she knew the words, but she did so quietly so as not to get in trouble with the artiste.
By the time Saturday had come around she was all ready for the beach barbie with Greg. She had made him a gift and wrapped it in her own hand-printed paper. It looked quite effective and she gave herself a little pat on the back, proud of her achievement.
She dressed in black linen trousers and a teal long-sleeved T-shirt that she had bought in Canada. She slipped on a black denim jacket, another treat from her travels. Her black sparkly flip-flops finished the look nicely. She went for contacts and left her glasses on the mantle next to the urn.
As promised Greg arrived at seven. He wore khaki cropped combats, flip-flops and a cream granddad-collar linen shirt. He had sunglasses on the top of his head, pushing his hair straight back. He looked nice, Mallory thought. Handsome even.
The weather was warm and dry and the sun was on the verge of beginning its descent. Greg had brought a kettle barbeque, coals, burgers, steaks and sausages. Mallory provided bread, salad and a picnic set. Greg had found some candle lanterns on stalks that stuck into the sand. Mallory had brought the paper lanterns and they had both written and kept their own tags.
They loaded up the Landy and drove a little way along the road to a small secluded beach. There was no one else around so Mallory set out their blanket and stuck the candles in the ground while Greg lit the barbeque straight away. Whilst the coals were heating to the right temperature for cooking, Mallory pulled out the package and handed it to him.
‘Oh Mallory, what’s this? You didn’t have to get me a gift,’ he protested, but from his smile she knew that secretly he was glad she did. Greg opened it eagerly and took out the hand-made plaque, reading aloud. ‘True friends are hard to find, thank goodness I found you.’ He smiled and she saw water well in his eyes.
He didn’t speak but clambered over to her and hugged her tightly. He looked down at her and it seemed as though ten different emotions fought for the surface all at once.
‘I couldn’t have dreamt of anything better, Mallory, it’s beautiful… thank you.’ He paused, gazing into her eyes.
A strange feeling washed over her. Her stomach lurched and her heart began to pound. She knew that he felt it too. She was terrified that he was about to kiss her and had no clue what she would do if he did.
He didn’t do it.
He pulled away from her and stood to attend to the coals. ‘I… think the temperature should be about right now. Better get the food on, eh?’
She felt a mixture of relief, sadness and other things that she chose to ignore. They went back to chatting normally.
‘Something has been bugging me, Greg.’ Mallory’s curiosity had been lying in wait for the right opportunity. ‘How come you didn’t want to invite anyone else here today?’
He shrugged. ‘All I can say is that the friends I’ve had in the past have had a habit of letting me down in big ways. I just feel it’s better to keep myself to myself.’
‘But what about me?’ Mallory wondered aloud, immediately regretting that the words had fallen out of her mouth.
He pulled his lips in and then huffing out said, ‘You’re different. Don’t ask me why, but I trust you. I don’t think you’d ever betray me. I get the feeling I’d only ever lose your friendship if I was the one who did the wrong thing.’ He looked directly into her eyes.
‘Hmm, better be on your best behaviour then,’ she laughed, trying to lighten the suddenly sombre mood.
Their meal was delicious and they drank a little wine but Greg switched to soda after one glass. Once they were stuffed and had eaten their fill of steak and hotdogs, they carried the lanterns and tags to the water’s edge. The temperature had dropped and Mallory was now chilly. Greg had said that she could speak first and so she began.
‘Mairi, you were a bright light in Greg’s life. You were a brave and adventurous woman, you made my friend very happy and I’m sure, had I met you, we would have been the best of friends too. Now you’ve left this world you’re a bright star in the night sky, you’re missed and will always be loved.’ She let her lantern go and they watched it float away.
Greg turned to her, squeezed her hand and spoke, almost in a whisper, ‘That was beautiful. Thank you.’ He turned to face out to sea; tears welling in his eyes. He looked to Mallory again and she nodded in encouragement.
He took a deep breath and let the words go. ‘Mairi, my heart and my love, you were a vivacious, stunningly beautiful woman, both inside and out, I was so proud of you for all you achieved at such a young age. Your courage knew no bounds. When you walked into a room, all heads turned and you made everyone smile; especially me. Since you left, my world has got a little darker. I’ve spent the last year feeling a type of pain that no one else could understand. Mallory came along and changed that. She helped me to come to terms with losing you. She helped me to come here today to say goodbye in a way I wasn’t able to do before. I miss you so much that sometimes I still feel physical pain, but I know that you can’t return and I have to try and let you go.’ A sob escaped his trembling lips and Mallory put a hand on his shoulder. ‘Please know that wherever you are I will always, always love you.’
He let his lantern go. The two friends stood side by side and watched as their lanterns disappeared into the distance.
Greg rubbed the dampness from his face and turned to Mallory. ‘There’s one more thing I need to do… to let go of… You see my necklace?’ He held out the little stone on the black leather cord he always wore around his neck and she nodded. ‘It’s a pebble from this very beach. Mairi carved the Celtic symbol into it. It represents two opposites working together. She gave it to me when we’d been together a while.’ His voice croaked. ‘She said that’s what we were; opposites that somehow needed each other. Like… dark and light… Night and day… You can’t have one without the other. She was the adventurous spirit and I was the grounded one, she said.’ He unfastened the necklace and gripped the stone in his hand. ‘I need to let it go now. Let it become part of the beach again. Let the cycle complete.’ He kissed the stone and launched it into the sea so far that they couldn’t see when it hit the water.’ He stood silently looking out at the water for a while until he eventually turned to Mallory again. ‘Thank you for suggesting this. It’s been really cathartic.’ He smiled and touched her cheek. ‘You need to know that I would never have let go of all this if it wasn’t for… your help.’ His hand dropped to his side.
Mallory was shivering now and Greg put his arm around her, making her feel a little warmer. They wandered back up the beach to where their blanket and candles still remained. Greg grabbed a fleece from the Landy and threw a blanket to Mallory.
After sitting, looking at the stars for a while, and drinking hot chocolate from a flask that Greg had produced from the car, they decided it was too cold to stay longer so they packed their things away in silence.
Greg drove them back to Mallory’s house. He put on the handbrake and they sat for a few moments. There was a palpable tension in the air between them. They had been through a lot this evening and Mallory suspected it was the weight of all the emotions they had shared and experienced.
‘Do you want to come in for a coffee?’ she asked eventually, immediately wondering if the suggestion was a bad idea.
Evidently Greg felt the same as he shook his head. ‘Ah, thanks, but I should get back to Angus really. I’ve had a great birthday. Thanks for making it so special.’ His eyes sparkled in the moonlight.
‘You’re more than welcome. I had fun too. And you were right, you cook a mean steak.’ She punched his arm playfully.
‘Why thank you, Miss Westerman, how kind you are.’
‘I speak only that which is true, Mr McBradden,’ she giggled in a posh voice.
‘Enough of this nonsense, now bugger off so I can get home to my dog and my bed.’ He waved his hands towards the house.
She obeyed and climbed out of the car still giggling and she waved from the door as he drove away.
*
Monday morning was rainy and cold for July. Since returning from Canada Mallory had thought long and hard about Sam’s ashes. She was beginning to feel that it was time to set them free. She rang Josie to see if she agreed.
‘Mallory, it has to be done when you’re ready. But I think maybe you are. The service in Canada was a big step for you and it sounds like it really helped. Maybe it’s time.’
Mallory sighed. ‘Maybe. I have thought about driving around the places we went to when we were in Scotland for that camping road trip. Maybe releasing them bit by bit. Is that weird?’
‘Not at all. People do that kind of thing all the time. Remember that scene in the film Elizabethtown where Orlando Bloom’s character takes his father’s ashes on a road trip? I thought that was really sweet. You could do the same kind of thing.’
Mallory smiled. ‘Oh, I love that film. Never fails to make me cry.’
Josie chuckled down the line. ‘That’s ’cause you’re a sap. Hey, do you want me to come up to go with you?’
‘No, don’t worry. I know you’re busy in the shop right now and you’ve been up and down a lot. I think maybe Greg will go if I ask him. He knows his way around better than I do and I think he would drive me.’
‘Good idea. You guys seem to be getting on really well since you came home.’
‘Yes, he’s great. He’s fun to be around.’
Josie laughed. ‘I don’t believe a word of that,’ she teased.
‘He is! We laugh a lot.’
‘Well they say laughter is the best medicine. Let me know how you get on.’
‘I will. And Josie?’
‘Yes hun?’
‘Thanks ever so much for all the hard work you’re doing in the shop.’
‘Ahem, you don’t have to thank me for doing something I love.’
Mallory was relieved to hear that Josie was still enjoying running the place. ‘Well, I appreciate it. Right I’m off. Speak soon. Love you.’
‘Love you too, chick.’
The next day Mallory had a busy time in her workshop painting signs and packaging them up to post to Josie for the shop. She loved being covered in paint again and came up with some funky new designs. She had chatted briefly to Colin and Christine about her work and they had asked if she would like to sell some in their shop. She jumped at the chance and had produced some signs ready for display. She had chosen to hang them from a beautiful piece of gnarled and twisted, almost sculptural, driftwood she had found when she and Greg had been to the beach.
Later when she was working her evening shift with Greg at the pub she decided to ask him about her idea for Sam’s ashes. She told him what she was planning and then took a deep breath, hoping she didn’t sound cheeky.
‘I wondered if you would mind driving me?’ She cringed and awaited his answer.
He smiled. ‘Mallory, I’d be honoured to go with you. Thank you for asking me to be a part of it.’ He seemed genuinely touched.
They agreed that they would go on a mini trek that weekend. She just hoped she was strong enough to go through with the difficult task.
At home, late that night and for the next few days, Mallory looked through old photos of her adventures with Sam and planned the places she would scatter the ashes. It was a difficult plan to make and looking at the photos brought the raw emotions to the surface once again. The two of them smiling, kissing and laughing from the glossy pages as if all was perfect. It had been.
*
Saturday was bright and fresh. Ron had a key to collect Ruby for a day of treats and walks and Greg picked her up at seven for their early start. They had a lot of distance to cover. What they were going to do in a day had taken Sam and Mallory a week the previous year. She had her map with little red stickers marking the main places and Greg had brought a flask of coffee. He had also made a CD for the journey with songs that were special to Mallory and Sam. When he told her of this she burst into tears at the thoughtful gesture. He held her whilst she cried. Today was going to be emotionally fraught. There was no doubt about that.
After around an hour of chatting, listening to music and the odd lengthy pensive silence, they arrived at Kentallen on the edge of Loch Linnhe, the first destination on the list. Mallory and Sam had spent a night in a log cabin here on the shores of the stunning loch. They had eaten at the beautiful Art Deco hotel on the shore. Then they had gone walking and been bitten by midges. They spent the following day stopping to lather each other in lotions and potions to ease the itching. She smiled to herself at the memory.
Greg stayed by the car and gave her some space to deal with the raw emotions that bubbled to the surface She walked to the water’s edge, opened the urn and grabbed a handful of the dust in the bottom. Lifting her hand, she opened her palm and let the dust be carried away on the breeze. Tears trickled down her cheeks as she watched it dissipate.
When she was ready to leave, they got back in the car to head for the second stop, Glencoe. The journey was a shorter one and took them through the most stunning mountain scenery. The colours were so vivid. Hues of brown covered the rocky ground like a lumpy carpet. The azure blue sky stretched like a blanket overhead. The Peak of the Buckle, the base of which was where Greg met Mairi, was visible in the distance. Greg stayed silent as if he was making sure that this was about Mallory, not himself. She appreciated the unspoken act of kindness.
They arrived at Glencoe and Greg stayed in the car again as Mallory wandered off for a while in solitude to scatter the next handful of dust. It almost sparkled as it dissipated in the warming air. It was at the gift shop here at Glencoe Visitors Centre where Mallory and Sam had bought a tree for the garden at Railway Terrace and a CD of music by the Peatbog Faeries which became the soundtrack of their holiday. She remembered the way the Highland cows had all wandered towards them as they had stood looking up at the view. One of the cows had sounded asthmatic and it had made Sam laugh hysterically whilst Mallory had talked to the cow trying to reassure it. Thinking back to that time made her smile.
She returned to find Greg leaning, arms folded, eyes closed and head back, against the Landy.
She suddenly felt ravenous.
‘C’mon, breakfast is on me. The cafe should be open by now,’ she called to Greg.
He jogged over to where she stood and they tramped up the wooden walkway side by side.
Once their order of coffee and bacon sandwiches was placed they sat at a table which gave them a wonderful view outside.
Greg had been quiet for a few moments. With a frown on his face, he announced, ‘You know, I’m kind of jealous of the relationship you had with Sam. I mean because of how intensely you loved each other.’
She bit her lip before answering. ‘Your love for Mairi was intense.’
He exhaled loudly. ‘The thing with Mairi was… she was adventurous. She was always looking for that next natural high. I supported her, of course I did, but since I lost her I’ve often wondered how long it would have taken for her to move on anyway.’
Mallory felt concern for her friend’s unhelpful train of thought. She shook her head. ‘Greg, you can’t think that way. I’m sure she loved you just the same.’
‘Na. The more I’ve looked back, since meeting you and witnessing how strong things were for you guys, I got to analysing my relationship. You see, Mairi was a good deal younger than me. If I’m honest I think maybe things were one-sided.’ Greg paused as their food arrived. He thanked the waitress and looked back to Mallory. ‘I think that all along I feared that she’d leave. I was always happy in the Highlands. It’s where I belong; where I feel safe and at home. Mairi was always looking to the horizon. I reckon it wouldn’t have been too long before she found someone else on one of her trips. You know… someone who was a bit more adventurous, like her.’ A sad expression came over his face and his soliloquy had shocked Mallory into a bewildered silence. ‘Sorry. This day isn’t about me. I’m waffling on.’
Mallory looked down, feeling sorry for him, but sure that he didn’t want her sympathy. ‘No… no it’s fine. I-I’m just shocked that you feel that way.’ She wasn’t really sure what to say.
‘I’m just being realistic. What you and Sam had… I want that. It was real and genuine… It was true love.’ He looked at his food but didn’t eat. ‘All that said, I still loved Mairi with all my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve married her after the first date. And all the emotions I felt… feel… are still real. Nothing can change that.’ He smiled. Mallory watched as Greg wrestled with his thoughts. His words preyed on her mind and she wished she was able to prove him wrong – or to just ease his mind in some way. But instead she remained silent, knowing that the mood of the day had taken a subtle shift.
They finished their breakfast and headed back for the car. They set off on the next leg of their journey and a little while later they arrived at the Corran Ferry Terminal and boarded the ferry once it arrived fifteen minutes later. Their journey across the water on the two-car vessel was a smooth one and they were quickly delivered to the other side of the water.
The next part of their journey was just over two hours. They headed for Glenfinnan on the longer, scenic route which took them through the Ardnamurchan peninsula. The virtually unspoilt scenery was timeless and vast. The rocky landscape made up of dormant volcanoes was the stuff of sci-fi movies. They passed through the lush green village of Acharacle with its little school and holidaymakers. The remains of Castle Tioram were just visible from the road.
From the car park at Glenfinnan they could see the statuesque monument, which commemorated the Jacobite rising, standing proudly looking over Loch Shiel. The majestic loch behind glistened in the early afternoon sunshine. They walked towards the monument and Mallory thought back to when she was here with Sam. It had been virtually deserted. Sam had climbed the internal staircase right to the top of the monument and Mallory had taken a zoomed photo looking up at him from ground level.
Mallory asked Greg if she could have a few moments alone at the water’s edge. The huge piece of twisted tree trunk, where an old man had taken a photo of Sam and Mallory, was still there. The photo was one of her favourites. They looked so happy and windswept with the sparkling loch and the mountains creating a v-shaped valley for their backdrop. Mallory let another handful of dust fly freely towards the heavens.
She allowed herself a few tears at this point. It had been such a special place for them. They had never got bored of just sitting cuddled up on the twisted tree trunk looking out over the water.
As they strolled back to the car, Greg put his arm around Mallory’s shoulder and squeezed her to him.
He kissed her head. ‘How are you holding up, matey?’ he asked quietly.
‘I’m good. It’s just hard. But it has to be done.’ After a pause she continued, ‘Greg, I’m glad you’re with me.’
‘Me too, hen, me too.’
They climbed back into the car and Greg started the engine. ‘Where are we off to next then?’ he enquired and Mallory looked at her itinerary.
‘Fort Augustus,’ she replied. ‘Sam and I visited there a couple of times. I remember standing on the little bridge over the locks watching the water pouring in to lift a boat up. It was fascinating. We had ice cream sundaes in a little cafe just by the Caledonian Canal. Sam thought they were the best sundaes he had ever eaten. I say “they”, as he ended up eating most of mine too, greedy sod.’ She chuckled at the memory.
They decided to stop for an impromptu lunch at a pretty little pub they saw on the way to their next destination.
As they walked through the doors Greg announced, ‘I don’t know about you but I’m starving!’
Mallory nudged him. ‘No wonder, you hardly ate any of your breakfast.’
Mallory excused herself to go wash up and check her red eyes and puffy face in the mirror. She splashed cold water on her cheeks and applied a little lip balm. She was glad she had decided against wearing her contacts today. Her eyes would’ve been too sore.
Greg was hungrily perusing the menu when she arrived back at their table. He had ordered her a large glass of wine.
‘What are you having then?’ she asked.
‘I think I may have to go with the steak pie and chips’ He rubbed his hands together looking greedy and excited. ‘Although, I doubt it will be as good as Stella’s eh?’
Mallory wasn’t that hungry. She still felt full from her bacon sandwich so she chose a salad and Greg went to order.
Their food arrived and Greg wolfed down his meal like a vacuum cleaner. Mallory was aghast at the sheer lightning speed of it. She munched through her salad but didn’t finish it all.
They set off again for Fort Augustus and parked in a little car park next to an old fuel station and convenience store. They walked around to the little bridge over the lock, the breeze had dropped slightly and so Mallory was able to release a handful of dust on to the water where it was free to float out towards the loch.
They didn’t stay long at Fort Augustus. The ice cream parlour was now a normal cafe which saddened Mallory a little. She stood gazing into the window for a few moments until she realised a little girl sitting at the window table was pulling faces at her. She giggled and walked back over to the bridge where Greg waited.
The final leg of their journey to Eilean Donan Castle would take them just over an hour. Mallory had taken some stunning photos of Sam on the footbridge. The imposing castle on its little island was another favourite of theirs. Sam loved the history of the island fort and had researched it before they went for the first time. He had impressed Mallory with knowledge of the meaning behind its name and the Celtic saint it was named after. He went on to explain to her that the castle she could see standing there was not the original as that had been almost totally destroyed after Spanish soldiers moved in and the British forces opened fire on them in the eighteenth century. How he loved his history.
When they arrived, Greg began taking photos of the imposing structure whilst Mallory went up onto the footbridge to release another handful of dust. She looked out over Loch Duich and remembered Sam also taking photos. He took what felt like hundreds all from different angles. Her particular favourite was a shot that showed the most glorious cornflower blue sky with the castle standing proud in the forefront. It had been framed by Mallory as a gift to Sam. The sky looked like an applied effect but it had genuinely been just as vivid in reality.
She had two more places to go, but she would do those alone in her own time. This part of her ordeal was over. She headed back towards Greg.
‘Hey, are you all right?’ Greg asked with concern. He could probably tell that she had been crying again. She felt her swollen eyes were probably a giveaway.
‘I’m okay. I found that bit so hard.’ She stifled a sob.
Greg rushed to her, enfolding her in his arms. ‘Hey, shhhh, it’s okay. You’ve done so well. You’ve been so brave. I’m proud of you,’ Greg soothed, speaking softly as he kissed her head and stroked her hair.
The journey home was going to take around three and a half hours and it was already just past five o’clock, so they climbed back into the car and set off. They sat in contemplative silence for a while looking at the stunning views through the dirty car windows. Mallory leaned her head against the doorpost as she gazed off into the distance.
Greg broke the silence first. ‘So, it’s been a nice day, weather-wise, eh?’ He kept his eyes on the road. Here he was again with his terrible attempts at small talk.
Mallory smiled to herself. ‘I really appreciate you bringing me, Greg. I think I would’ve hated to make the journey alone,’ she said without changing the direction of her stare.
‘Aye, well, Josie would’ve come surely?’
In her periphery she noticed him glancing over at her but she wasn’t in the mood for eye contact.
‘Yes, Josie offered. I just thought that… well you know how I feel about it all. You’ve lost someone you were in love with.’ She wiped away a tear that had sneaked out.
He sighed. ‘Aye, that’s true.’
She turned to face him. ‘And, Greg, all that stuff you said before about being unsure of her feelings for you… there’s no point torturing yourself over that. You loved her. Maybe you’ll never know the true depth of her feelings. So, you just go with how you feel about her. What’s the point in dwelling on whether she did or didn’t love you the same?’ Mallory hoped that her tone was neither condescending nor harsh. But she turned away, not wanting to see his reaction.
They sat in silence again and eventually Mallory dozed off and slept for the remainder of the journey. A while later she awoke when the car stopped. She opened her eyes to see the familiar sight of Sealladh-mara Cottage. It was heading towards nine in the evening and the moon was bright in a crystal-clear sky, dotted with millions of tiny spots of light.
Mallory climbed out of the car. ‘I won’t invite you in, if you don’t mind. I hope that’s not unfair of me. I have a job to do before I go in. Then I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.’ She smiled as she spoke, not feeling the expression go any deeper than her face.
‘Hey, no bother. You take care and give me a call if you need me okay?’ Greg replied through the open door of the car.
She nodded. ‘Thanks again, Greg. I can’t express how much today has meant to me.’
‘You’re very welcome. I’m glad I was able to help.’ He smiled. ‘Goodnight sweet Mallory Westerman. Sleep well, eh?’
She slammed the door and waited for him to pull away. Once he was out of sight she took the urn and walked slowly over to the midpoint of the Atlantic Bridge and there she stood, with tears falling freely once again.
‘Oh, Sam. I’m so glad we didn’t know the future on that first day we stood here. It breaks my heart to think that this is how things ended up. But you loved it here so very much. And now a part of you will forever be part of this beautiful landscape.’ She reached into the urn and took half of the remaining ashes. Holding them aloft, she released her hold of them over the bridge and let them fly towards the ocean that had brought Sam to her in the first place.
One more location to go and that would mean a trip to Yorkshire.
*
Mallory arranged to visit Brad and Josie the following weekend. The urn was packed away in her bag and Ruby sat in the footwell of the passenger side fast asleep as they drove the long journey back to Yorkshire. It was strange to be back at Railway Terrace as a guest but she was happy to see that not much had changed since Josie and Brad bought the place. She dropped her bag in the guest room, freshened up and then Josie drove them into the centre of Leeds. It was nearing ten at night and the place was buzzing with city revellers taking advantage of the Leeds nightlife.
They walked up the precinct to the place where she had first fallen into Sam’s arms and Josie hung back a little. That particular part of the precinct was without nightclubs and so Mallory had a little peace for what she needed to do.
‘Who would have thought that after such a chance meeting we’d fall in love?’ she said as the warm memory of Sam wrapped its arms around her as she stood. This place had been the start of such an important time in her life. A time that had moulded her into the much more confident person she was right then. She removed a handful of ashes from the pot and let them drift away in the light breeze that wafted around the sheltered precinct.
Finally, she walked up to the coffee shop which was closed for the evening. She looked through the window where she could just about make out the table she had shared with Sam. Her palms pressed against the window, as did her forehead, almost searching for some connection to the past. She remembered how he looked at her and listened intently as she waffled on about rubbish. He had made her feel worth listening to. He made her feel sexy and attractive; wanted and needed.
‘I owe you so much Sam. I’ll never forget you.’ With tears glistening in her eyes and trailing their mark of sadness down her face she released the last of the ashes and said her final goodbye.