I STOOD AND STARED DOWN at the gravestone as I took in a deep breath. It was the first time I had been here since the day Casey was buried.
My hands were in my pockets as I fought to say the words I had been fighting to say since the day she died.
With a slight smile, I shook my head and said, “I quit racing. I was half a lap away from starting a race and I pulled down onto pit road and just drove back to the garage. You’d be happy; I know how much you really hated me racing. I loved it though and for the longest time, it helped me deal with the guilt of you dying. I guess not so much of you dying, but the fact that I’ve never been able to promise you what you asked for right before you died.
“I need you to know that I loved you, Casey, but I think even then I knew deep in my heart what we had wasn’t going to be forever. I sometimes wonder if God took you because he knew I couldn’t make that promise to only love you.
“For so many years I avoided the idea of falling in love with anyone. I wasn’t sure if it was because if I did, then it would make it all too real and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give you what you asked.”
Kicking at a stick, I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath before slowly letting it out. “I met someone, Casey. She’s changed the way I look at everything in my life. That rush I longed for that I got by racing or doing crazy shit like jumping out of planes, I didn’t need it any longer. The only thing I need is to see her smile. Feel her touch. She’s the rush I’ve been searching for this whole time.”
Tears built in my eyes as I stared at her name etched into the stone.
“I can’t promise myself to you forever because I promised my heart to Paislie. I think before I even met her my heart was hers. I kept it guarded, waiting for her to bump into me and give me that smile that I would see every time I closed my eyes. I tried to move on with other women and none of them ever made my heart feel so alive like she does.”
The warmth from a single tear felt like it burned a path on my face as it slowly continued on before I reached up and wiped it away. I placed the single yellow rose, Casey’s favorite, on the ground and took a few steps back.
“I never knew I was holding onto my past until I saw the hurt in Paislie’s eyes and I never want to see that again. I love her, Casey, and for the longest time it hurt knowing that I loved her more than I loved you. The guilt was confusing at first, but I realized had you not died that night, I would have come to my senses before I promised you something I wouldn’t have been able to give to you. You see, Casey, my heart has been waiting for Paislie and it’s time I let go of the past and look to my future. I’ll never forget you, Casey, but it’s time for me to say goodbye.”
The feeling of a huge weight was instantly lifted off my shoulders as I took a few steps back and turned around. I was frozen in place by her emerald eyes.
“Paislie?”
She quickly wiped her tears away as she gave me the smile I had been longing to see for the last few months.
We both walked toward one another and stopped as we got within a few inches of each other.
My eyes searched her face as I whispered, “I can’t breathe without you. I need you to know that. You’re everything I need.”
A small sob escaped her mouth as she brought her hands up to her lips. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to beg for your forgiveness. I swear to you, Paislie, I will never hurt you again. I don’t need you to save me . . . I need you to love me as much as I love you.”
Her hands dropped to her sides as her eyes peered into mine. The ache in the back of my throat was almost unbearable as I waited for her to speak.
“Why did you drive off the track the other day?”
My hands reached for hers as I watched her breath catch. “Because in that very moment it hit me.”
“What hit you?”
I pulled her body closer to mine. “That what I wanted wasn’t on the racetrack or in that car. It wasn’t the rush I got from living my life on the edge.”
My thumbs wiped her tears away as I leaned down and softly kissed her lips. “It was seeing your beautiful smile every day. Hearing your voice first thing in the morning, feeling you in my arms as I drift off to sleep. Paislie, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you. I have no idea why I called you Casey that day but I swear to you, I’ve never thought of you as a replacement. I love you, Paislie. God I love you, and only you, more than anything in this life of mine. You’re the reason I wake up each day.”
Her hands came up and grabbed onto my arms. “Please tell me I’m not dreaming.”
A wicked smile crept over my face. “How about if I show you?”
We were soon lost in a kiss. I never wanted to let her out of my sight again. When we finally pulled back for air, I searched her face. “Wait. How did you know I was here?”
She smiled and said, “Your friend, Emmit.”
My head pulled back in confusion. “Emmit?”
“He sent me an email, we talked on the phone, and I meet him and his beautiful wife and son this morning.”
I looked over her shoulder to see Emmit leaning against a car, giving me a fucking grin from ear to ear.
I shook my head and snickered. “I told him I was letting go of my past today . . . I guess he’s smarter than I gave him credit for.”
Paislie giggled and lightly hit my chest. Taking her hand in mine, we headed over to Emmit. He pushed off the car and reached his hand out for mine.
“Glad to see you took my advice.”
With a chuckle, I gave him a light push. “Glad to see you didn’t give up on me.”
“Nah. I was even thinking, now that you followed in my footsteps and seeing how much Addie and I miss Texas, maybe we should talk about a future together.”
“Now, Emmit, I know we’ve moved into a comfortable area with our friendship, but I don’t think I’m ready to take it any further.”
His smile faded as he pinched his brows together. “That’s not what I meant, asshole. I’m talking about going into business together.”
I was certainly intrigued. “What did you have in mind?”
Emmit stole a glance over to Paislie and then back to me. “Why don’t you two get . . . caught up on things first. Addie and I are staying at a bed and breakfast in Waco. How about we meet for breakfast tomorrow.”
Warmth radiated through my body at the idea of being with Paislie. “Let’s make it lunch.”
Both Emmit and Paislie laughed as he shook my hand and said, “Deal. I’ll wait for your call tomorrow.”
Paislie dropped my hand and walked up to Emmit. She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you for everything.”
Emmit’s eyes softened as he nodded and said, “You’re welcome. I’ll talk to y’all tomorrow.”
Paislie and I stood and watched Emmit drive off before I turned her to me. “If I take you home, Sophie is going to freak and want you to play pretty pretty princess or some shit like that.”
She frowned. “Emmit just drove off with my bag that had all my stuff in it.”
Reaching into my pocket for my phone, I hit Janet’s number.
“Hey, boss.”
“Janet, I need you to see if the Russell place is available. The cottage.”
“Oh my goodness! Please tell me she’s with you.”
I couldn’t help but smile like a fool. “Yes ma’am, she is standing right here.”
Paislie blushed and looked down. “Okay, I’m on the other line, give me two seconds.”
My hand slipped behind her hair as I pulled her to me. Our lips crashed together and quickly grew hungry as Paislie’s hands moved to my chest. Her low moan vibrated through my entire body.
“You’re a go! They’re all in California.”
Pulling my lips from Paislie’s, I panted, “Thanks.”
Not giving her time to answer, I hit End, shoved my phone back in my pocket and picked Paislie up as she squealed in delight.
“I missed you, baby,” I said as I let her slowly slide down my body and pushed her against my truck, pinning her with my body.
Tears were threatening to build in her eyes as her chin trembled. “I missed you too. So very much.”
“God give me strength to get you to the Russell’s place. I want nothing more than to rip your panties off and take you right here.” Paislie looked around as I said, “Well, maybe not a cemetery, but you know what I mean.”
She smiled but then it faded and was replaced by a look of worry. The images of her on that fucker flooded my memory.
“Malcolm, I need to tell you something.”
Closing my eyes, I fought to keep the jealousy away. “It doesn’t matter what happened when we were apart, Paislie.”
When I opened my eyes, she looked so conflicted. “It does to me. I’m not sure if you were with anyone, but I . . . I um . . . well I ran into an old friend who I grew up with in the orphanage. I was feeling really lonely and confused and we went back to my apartment.”
I wanted so desperately to tell her to stop talking. The last thing I wanted to hear about was her and this old friend rolling around in bed together. The only reason I held back was it was clear she wanted to get this off her chest.
“Things got a little intense in the car and for a moment I thought I was going to just let him take me there in broad daylight. Before I had a chance to even have an orgasm, I came to my senses and stopped it.”
I slowly let out the breath I wasn’t even aware I was holding. “Paislie, baby you don’t owe me any—”
She put her finger up to my lips. “Please let me finish.” I nodded and waited for her to keep talking.
“I felt terrible for getting the poor guy so turned on, so I gave him a hand job. He wanted to take things further but I told him about you and that I wasn’t ready.”
My heart was pounding against my chest wall as I waited for her to keep telling me what happened. “He asked to come up to my apartment to clean up. I let him and that’s all that happened. I didn’t even kiss him goodbye.”
Thank God.
This whole time I had let myself believe she had sex with him.
I placed my hand on the side of her face and looked deeply into her eyes. “I haven’t been with anyone, Paislie.”
“Not even . . .”
Her gaze fell as I lifted her chin with my finger and made her look at me. “Not even Ashley. She is madly in love with some computer programmer dude from Dallas. We were only ever meant to be friends.”
Paislie chuckled as I opened the door and held her hand while she got in. Before shutting the door, I kissed her gently on the lips. “I really hope we make it and don’t stop on the side of the road.”
She cocked her head to the side and said, “Patience, Mr. Wallace. I promise it will be worth the wait.”
My dick jumped in my pants as I adjusted it and moaned. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”