An hour later, I walked out of my bedroom, down the hall, and stepped into the living room. Through the glow of the television, I saw Ben on the couch, his hands under his head and his attention now on me. I tried everything to distract myself. I started reading three books, I tried to watch a movie, and I even tried to get lost in the world of social media, but nothing helped because my head wouldn’t stop screaming at me.

“I’m going to call Missy and ask her to come and stay the night. You can leave.”

One thing I did during the hour in my bedroom was start rebuilding the wall Ben had started to demolish.

I moved through the kitchen, opened the fridge, and pulled out the orange juice. The hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention when I felt him move up behind me. When he pushed my hair off my neck, I nearly dropped the juice.

“I’m not leaving,” his husky voice declared against my reactive skin. “I’m not letting you deal with this on your own, and I’m sure as fuck not giving up on us.”

“You cannot say things like that. Why can’t you get it through your head that we are done.”

He spun me around then snatched the juice out of my hand and placed it on the counter. I stepped back, the kitchen island hitting me, and he stepped forward and locked me in. “Why can’t I get it through my head? Maybe it’s because you’re the first woman to get under my skin. I can’t imagine fucking another woman, and I don’t want to fuck another woman. You’re the woman. I want to see myself with in five, ten, twenty-five years. Yeah, keeping this shit with O’Leary from you wasn’t the best decision, but I made that choice. Your brother made his choice. This job has been shit. Really fucking shit, but you’ve given me your smile again, and your laugh, and that’s made all the shit worth it. So, I’m not giving up. I’m not moving on. I’m not leaving you alone, and I sure as fuck am not forgetting you.”

He was giving me too much. My heart had stepped into a fierce battle against my head, and I didn’t know who would come out winner. I shook my head as I tried to comprehend everything he said, while goosebumps took residence on my skin. With one step, he was against me, and the sharp edge of the counter dug into my back. His large hands cradled my face, his thick fingers sliding through my hair and halting my movements. My chest rested against his, and I was sure he was able to feel my thundering heart. His blue eyes scanned my face, before dropping to my lips and then locking with my eyes again. We couldn’t do this. Too much had happened. But my body craved his touch one last time. Like a drug addict desperate for one final hit, I licked my lips.

That was all he needed to unleash the beast inside of him.

In a flurry of movements, I was lifted from my feet, my legs wrapped around his hips, and his lips crushed against mine. We were moving, and then my back slammed against the hall wall and the pictures rattled on their hooks. My gasp tore the air around us to shreds, and in a hurry of hands, Ben undid my jeans and slid his hand inside my panties before his finger entered me. My eyes slammed shut as he worked my pussy like he was playing his favorite instrument. One finger, then two. Slow, and then fast. Soft, and then hard. I clutched onto him for dear life when his thumb teased my clit with the most delicate of touches. My body turning to liquid as the sound of how wet I was caressed the electrified air around us.

“Ben, please,” I moaned, my forehead dropping to his shoulder as I felt myself losing control.

“Sweetheart,” he grunted, his voice rough and heavy. He needed to stop calling me that. “Show me your eyes. Look at me.”

I shook my head. “I can’t look at you.”

“Why?” he asked. His fingers stopped their onslaught and froze inside of me.

I needed him to move, so I laid it out to him. “Because what is real, Ben? I don’t know who is real, what to believe, or what to clutch onto, because I really need something to clutch onto right now. I opened myself up to you. More than I’ve ever opened myself up to a man before. I gave myself to you. I let you in. And now this?”

Through all of this, his fingers began to move again. Slowly at first, but with every word that poured out of my mouth his moves intensified, and then I lost them. I looked at him, pleading with my heavy eyes for him to finish what he started. His hand moved between us and he undid his fly. My breathing hitched at what I was about to receive.

“I’m real. You’re real. We are real,” he murmured against my mouth and lined up his cock.

“There is no longer a we, Ben,” I panted, my body switched on and soaring as I tried to regain some control of my body and mind. “You need to walk out this door and not look back.”

“Never going to happen.”

“It has to happen.”

“Seems I’ve got to fuck some sense into you.”

In one determined move, Ben slammed inside me and my world caught on fire. I sucked in desperate breaths as he filled me so beautifully.

With wild moves he thrust deep inside me, and I cried out for him to go deeper and harder. I needed him to bruise me from within so I’d be reminded of our final time for days, or even weeks.

“This isn't the end,” he groaned against my mouth, as if he had climbed inside my head and read my deepest thoughts. “We do not have an end.”

My ability to answer or think was eradicated the moment his mouth crashed back onto mine. The sensation of his lips stealing my words and thoughts overcame me, and I began to tip over the edge into blissful delirium. I thrust myself up against him, my hands gripping onto his hair as he repeatedly pounded into me, and I took everything he gave. No matter what he thought, I knew this was the end.

How could it be anything but that?

This moment would be the most beautiful yet tragic memory I’d ever have.

* * *

Early morning light danced through my bedroom as I woke with a smile on my face.

My sated body reminded me in the most beautiful of ways where Ben had been just hours before. The delicious throb between my legs, my swollen lips, and the marks on my chest left by his eager mouth and teeth. The smell of sex lingered on my sheets and wrapped itself around me in greeting. Last night wasn’t sex, it was wild, animalistic fucking.

I went to call out to him, to find out why he’d left me in bed on my own, why I wasn’t wrapped up in his arms, or crying out his name as he took my body to a place only he could take me.

It was Sunday.

Usually, we didn’t get out of bed until noon.

I rose on my elbows and gazed toward the door.

Then it hit me with brutal force that knocked the air out of my lungs and sent me crashing back down on my bed.

My heart ached. My throat burned. My body remembered.

Lies.

Heartbreaking, soul destroying lies. The kind that drained you of all strength, and left you wondering how you could possibly pull yourself back from this.

I rolled to my side and clutched the pillow Ben had slept on. How could my heart be broken if I’d spent so much time holding it back from him? Wasn’t this what I wanted? This was what I asked for. And he’d given it to me.

I’d suffered a lot of pain in my life, but this was a completely different kind of pain.

It hurt differently.

It felt like forever had been stolen from me.

The next time I woke, it was to Missy’s voice floating through my house.

“Babe, are you still asleep?”

“I’m awake. Be down in a second.”

I pulled back the covers and the cool air hit my naked body. After we had sex against the wall, Ben had carried me to bed and then wrapped me up in his arms. No words were spoken. I didn’t think there was anything that needed to be said. I’d spent two hours listening to his steady breathing and memorizing the rhythm of his heart under my cheek. Somewhere between three a.m. and seven a.m. I’d fallen asleep and he left. I fumbled through my dresser, grabbed a fresh pair of panties and a bra, and hurriedly dressed. I had no plans of leaving the house, so I pulled on my lay-around-the-house-and-do-absolutely-nothing sweat pants and one of my dad’s old Hamilton’s shirts. As I walked downstairs, I braided my hair and hung it over my shoulder.

Missy was sitting on the couch. In front of her were two fresh coffees, two plates and forks, and a familiar white plastic container that caused me to halt.

“Is that?” I asked, my eyes focused on the container.

Her soft smile spoke volumes. “Ben brought cake to the diner. He said you can’t survive Sunday without a piece or three of Gigi’s famous chocolate cake.”

I swallowed the ball of emotion now lodged in my throat. “That’s true.”

“He also told me that he locked you in tight after he left this morning.”

I nodded and started to rapidly blink.

Her voice turned soft, and she reached over and grabbed my hand. “He also informed me that I needed to come over today and hang out with you because you’d need your girl.”

I hiccupped, and then I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

One tear, then two slipped over my cheeks, before a tortured sob echoed around the living room. Missy moved fast, and before I had a chance to speak, I was in her arms. I trained myself years ago not to cry. It was just one of my protective instincts that had stuck. I’d spent too much time crying for what I lost when I was younger, and it never brought anything back to me, so from then on breaking and crying were useless. But on the rare occurrence things got to be too much for me, Missy was the one who saw me cry. Today, things got to be too much for me. But it wasn’t everything happening with Hamilton’s and O’Leary that tipped me over the edge, it was the thought that Ben was still taking care of me even when I was so determined in my wish for him to stay away from me.

He turned up late last night because he didn’t want me spending the night on my own.

He’d wrapped me tight against his soothing warmth and held on until sleep overcame me and I passed out to the sound of his heartbeat.

He’d given Missy cake to bring to me because he knew I loved cake.

He’d sent over my best friend because he knew more than anything I’d need her.

I sobbed against my best friend’s chest, clutching onto any strength she offered and silently beginning for the hurt to stop. Time no longer existed, so I didn’t know how long it had been when I pulled away from Missy, scooted up the couch, and pulled my knees to my chest. Her soft smile and concerned eyes allowed me to begin to settle, and I nodded when she pointed at the cake.

Cake would be perfect right now.

I grabbed the plate when she handed it to me and took a forkful. Gigi had outdone herself with this rich chocolate cake, dripping with chocolate icing. It was the kind of cake that would take a least three gym lessons to burn off. That was if I went to the gym.

“Fuck me dead, this is orgasmic,” Missy hooted, before filling her fork with another large chunk of cake. “This is what you’ve been getting on Sundays?”

I laughed at her outburst. “Well, one of the things.”

“Soooooo, it’s probably not the right time, but I’ve got to ask because it’s not Missy and Sasha time if I don’t ask.”

“Yes, we had sex.” I answered her question without her asking it, and added a little extra for her benefit. “Hot, dirty, wall sex.”

“Are you okay after that? Well, I know you’re not, but how does it feel?”

I leaned over, put my empty plate on the table, and then sat back. “It felt like goodbye.”

“It doesn’t have to be goodbye, Babe. He fucked up. They all did, but that doesn’t mean it has to be the end for you two. I’ve never seen you like this about a guy before. I like seeing you like this, Sash. You seem lighter. Almost free.”

All I could offer her was a smile. I didn’t know what I could say. Everything she’d said was true. Every single thing. And that was what made this whole situation even worse. I’d opened myself up to possibilities. Possibilities were something I’d never offered myself before. And now I was left wondering what was next.

And that thought was terrifying.