Chapter 10
“You want to decorate the clubhouse for Christmas? Why?”
Axel shrugged, his wide shoulders stretching the blue material of his t-shirt.
“It’s gonna get chilly soon, and I was thinking maybe this year we could actually celebrate the holiday. I know Ashley would like it,” He said.
Laney understood, she just hadn’t been thinking about the holiday. It hadn’t clicked that Christmas was coming up right around the corner, which she should have known. She’d been staring at the date all week at work, filing paperwork, working with Green to get their numbers for the fiscal year right and recorded properly.
“I forgot, honestly. I just didn’t expect anyone around here to want to celebrate, let alone decorate.”
Axel smiled and leaned in close, his mouth pressing against hers. It was familiar and it still gave her butterflies. She hadn’t let her guard down yet, but he’d told her not to.
“I want to earn it, Laney. Don’t make it easy on me.”
She hadn’t planned on it, but she’d been so busy at work they hadn’t had much time together. She was used to snow and lights and hot chocolate, but in North Carolina there wouldn’t be much snow or even ‘cold’ weather like she was used to. They could still do lights and hot chocolate, though.
Laney leaned in to kiss him herself, noting the way his smile widened slightly, the surprise that made his dark eyes brighter.
Her lips parted as she sighed, her tongue seeking his, her fingers tangling in the front of his shirt. He was warm and it heated her chilled fingers as they slid beneath his shirt and pressed against his abs. They were hard and flexed under her touch and Laney had no idea what she was doing. They were outside, where anyone could see, and yet she didn’t want to stop. She limited their touching for the most part because a tiny part of her was scared that all he wanted was her body. If that’s all he wanted, he was a damn good actor, but then aren’t all men?
Every time she thought she had him figured out, he proved her wrong.
“I don’t want ya to quit touchin’ me,” He said against her mouth.
Laney’s eyes fluttered open and she watched his do the same.
“Ya never reach for me. I know you’re scared, but it feels so damn good when ya touch me all on your own,” He whispered. His thumbs caressed the hollows of her cheeks and she found herself leaning in to his touch, like she was used to it, like she needed it.
“I need to be better,” She admitted.
He hushed her, kissed her again, leaned her against the brick wall behind them. Near the rear exit of the clubhouse, they were completely obscured now.
“Don’t say that, baby. I know ya got things you’re hidin’. I know ya got a lot of baggage, but you can’t help that.”
“You’re being too easy on me, Axel-”
He shook his head and tucked her hair back behind her ears.
“He hurt you?”
“So bad,” She whispered sadly.
He dipped his head, his mouth pursed.
“Think of a candle, baby. You were the wick and he was the flame. You’re the substance of the candle. He’d have had nothing to burn away if it weren’t for you. Sure, the glow was pretty, but he’d have had nothing to keep his flame flickerin’ if it weren’t for you. That’s what some men don’t understand. He can burn down any wick he wants, but once it’s gone, it’s gone, and nothing will change that.”
Laney swallowed audibly at his beautiful words and shrugged.
“And, what about you?”
He kissed her again, more forcefully this time, as he planted his hands above her head on the wall behind her.
“I’ll give you all the reassurance you need. I’ll give you a lot of things, but I ain’t gonna let a woman like you burn out.”
Well, that’s completely fucking amazing to hear.
Laney lifted onto her tiptoes and slid a hand into the long hair at the nape of his neck, her fingernails scraping against his scalp gently. He softened like melted butter against her, one of his hands wrapping around her waist from behind, pressing her hips against his.
Laney was all wrapped up in the way he smelled, tasted, the way his calloused fingertips roved over the bare skin of her belly, the way his jeans scraped against her bare thighs.
It was one of the warmer days of the week and Laney had decided to wear a sundress with a pretty cardigan Rider had given her for her birthday the previous year.
The dark blue material of the dress crept up between her thighs as she leaned up into Axel’s touch. Her fingertips met his as her own hand lifted his shirt a little higher so she could feel more skin.
It’d been a long time since she felt skin to skin contact, with anyone, with a man; it felt like she was finally alive again.
“You taste like everything I didn’t know I’d been missin’,” She whispered into his mouth.
“I knew what I was missin’, I just didn’t think it existed.”
Laney’s eyes opened slowly only to see that he was watching her, awed, silent.
“You ain’t no candle, baby. You got a fire in you that no man can douse. I hope one day I get to see it in all its glory,” Axel said softly.
Laney felt her lower lip tremble at the truth in his voice, and she wondered why in the world he would want to see her fire.
“Why me?”
Axel smiled tenderly at her, his dark eyes mysterious and yet altogether honest.
“Why not you?”
✽✽✽
“Ashley, what color bulbs should we get?”
Laney held up two clear boxes, both filled with glittery ornaments of assorted colors. Ashley placed one hand on her ample hip and cocked her head to the side, her long red hair flowing down her back.
“Not sure, what kinda look we goin’ for here? Elegant and classy, or what the fuck ever we want?”
Laney wasn’t entirely sure what the difference between the two really was, but she nodded anyways.
“Right. Silver and gold, it is.”
Ashley smiled and wiggled her eyebrows at Laney, her fingers wrapping around one more box of ornaments, this one filled with red bulbs.
“Let’s add a little color, I always did love red.”
Laney laughed at her sense of humor, considering her bright red hair was her most noticeable feature. She looked festive too, with her green sweater and snowflake earrings dangling from her lobes.
“Laney, what are your intentions with my beloved brother?”
The question stopped Laney cold, right in the middle of the isle where the hot chocolate was located. Ashley asked it so casually, too, as she held up a jar of hot fudge to her face.
“Honestly, I don’t have any. I don’t have many expectations.”
Ashley glanced at her as she dropped the hot fudge into the cart.
“You should. My brother doesn’t entertain women, and he certainly doesn’t keep them.”
“I have heard that once or twice,” Laney breathed.
Ashley shrugged, like she couldn’t care less how many times Laney heard it, and she probably didn’t. Axel was her only family outside of the club, so it would make sense that she would question Laney.
“When I first came here, I was bitter as hell about the fact that Ox sent me away. A part of me still is, but now I’m okay. I’m still sad, a part of me still aches, but the rest of me knows that this is where I belong right now. Whether or not that’s with him, I honestly can’t tell you.”
Ashley nodded as she seemed to ponder that.
“Will you tell me what James did?”
Laney rolled her shoulders back to ease the pressure.
“It’s nothing special. It’s actually extremely ordinary, common in fact. There was nothing special about what he did to me, Ashley. It just hurt like a son of a bitch.”
Ashley smiled in a sad way, and it caught Laney’s attention to the fullest.
“What happened to me and Axel, what happened to our family, that was anything but ordinary. But, ya know what I learned, Laney? It doesn’t matter how minuscule you think your trauma is, we’re all affected by our circumstances just the same.”
Laney dropped a box of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows into the cart and smacked her palms against the handle.
“We were married. I got pregnant, he got a girlfriend. I waited years to get pregnant, and he knew I was pregnant before he sought out another woman. One minute we were planning a gender reveal party, and the next he was handing me six hundred dollars to visit Planned Parenthood.”
It hurt, her mouth felt like it was filled with ash, but Laney knew that telling Ashley would help her heal if only a little bit. Ashley’s expression filled with pity and that hurt worse than anything she could have said.
“Don’t. Don’t do that, Ashley. Like you said, you’ve been through worse. I’ll be fine.”
Ashley surprised her when she wrapped her arms around her and squeezed tightly.
“It doesn’t matter how much worse I’ve been through. What happened to you wasn’t lesser by any means. Different, Laney. Not less.”
Laney felt her eyes well up with tears as she hugged Ashley back. It felt like she’d ripped off a Band-Aid. Sure, Esme knew. Only Esme knew.
“What happened to your folks?,” Laney heard herself whisper.
“They were murdered by another MC on Christmas Eve. That’s why its kind of a big deal that Axel wants to celebrate this year. Even decorating has been hard for him in the past, but I think you had a little somethin’ to do with him changing his mind. You’ve finally given him something to look forward to…After their murder, we were put into foster care. By the time Axel was eighteen, he was prospecting for the Lone Rangers. By the time I was eighteen, all the men who were involved with the murder were dead,” She explained.
Laney tried to process all of that information, including the immensely sad bit about the timeline, and sighed.
“Axel killed them? All of them?”
Ashley nodded against her shoulder, and the fear that burrowed deep in Laney was poignant. True and wretched and it tainted her for a moment; it made her realize how real the differences between the two of them were.
What if I lose him like that?
Laney hadn’t had the most normal childhood, but hers wasn’t anywhere near as traumatic as theirs had obviously been. She hadn’t been involved in any kind of outlaw MC drama until Rider joined, and even then, it was only what she’d heard about over the phone.
Nothing had ever touched her life personally.
Laney didn’t know how to navigate where her life was headed, and to someone like her, that was terrifying.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” Laney admitted.
Ashley pulled away from her, ran her fingers through her hair, smiled sadly again with tears in her eyes.
“I know. That’s why I asked about your intentions. I know a runner when I see one.”
“I’m not a runner.”
“This life is hard. It’s unforgiving. I don’t have a choice at this point, it’s all I know. But, you? Laney, you’ll have to choose this life and be comfortable with the choice. Axel isn’t a selfish person by nature, but in this instance, he isn’t thinking clearly. It isn’t fair to expect you’ll be able to acclimate.”
Laney appreciated what she was saying, but if that was the case, then why did she feel like leaving Axel would be a mistake?
Why was she torn in any way?
Laney didn’t know if she could ever love a man again, and Ashley was giving her an insight to her own situation she hadn’t even thought about. It was nice to make a promise, it was nice to imagine it could hold true, but the truth of the situation was that she didn’t.
“We should get back to the clubhouse,” Laney said softly.
Ashley grabbed a hold of her hand, held it tightly.
“You should ask Axel to explain it to you, Laney. Get him to talk to you. You need to hear the whole story, the one even I don’t have all the details of.”
“If I ask him to tell me the truth then I have to face whatever he tells me head on. I made a promise to try to open up, to stick around, but Ashley, I don’t fuckin’ know if I can.”
She didn’t argue anymore, she didn’t say a word. No, she just took a hold of the cart and led them both towards the checkout line.
The entire way there Laney wanted to speak up, to reassure her, because that’s what Ashley wanted. That’s what she needed. Laney wasn’t trying to be selfish or cruel by telling her that hearing about Axel’s obviously impressive dead-list would change things. It would.
At the moment, all they did was kiss and touch and share some secrets in the dark. Nothing major. They were exclusively exploring and that was fine, but all it meant was that neither one would be fucking anyone else in the meantime.
So, what kind of commitment could she make? The better question really, was what kind of commitment did she want to make? That’s what Laney needed to decide. Could she stay in Bryson City with the Lone Rangers and create a life here, or did she want to start over somewhere else?
“Laney, come on. Axel called wondering where we are. Let’s go home,” Ashley said. It wasn’t lost on Laney how eagerly Ashley held out her hand; she knew that at the end of the day, Ashley would want her brother to be happy. She would want Laney to stay, but Laney appreciated more than anything that Ashley was being realistic about the reality of whether or not she actually would.
“Okay, yeah. Let’s go home.”
Home.
It’s not a place, it’s a feeling, and I haven’t felt ‘at home,’ in a long, long, time.