They say a great day begins with breakfast.

Maybe that was why the next day was turning out to be so terrible.

When you miss breakfast due to oversleeping, this blame landing solely on me since I’d forgotten to set my alarm according to school time, it starts your day off on the wrong foot.

The boys weren’t too happy with me when I made them late, rushing them out the door after shoving Nutrigrain bars at them. Dominic’s annoyance was obvious. Aside from tossing the bar in the dumpster before getting in the car, I was convinced he only knew how to look pissed off, and, lucky for me, he wasn’t shy about letting me see it. Eli, on the other hand, was more subtle with his disappointment. He ate and kept his head down on the drive to school, and barely smiled at me when I would crack a joke.

It sucked. I hated letting them down, and even though I knew an apology wouldn’t go far, I still gave them several.

Neither said a word to me on the way to school.

I knew I had to do better. Not just for them, but for my mom too. She was relying on me to handle this and I wouldn’t let her down.

After setting the alarm on my phone so we wouldn’t be rushed again, and then setting a backup alarm, I stopped at my parents’ house to pick up something that would make my apartment a little more…fun.

Feeling good about my efforts, I had a smile on my face that afternoon when I drove to Dominic’s school to drop off his gear for practice.

That smile felt good. Too bad it didn’t last.

You see, Dominic played lacrosse, not baseball. And I’d unfortunately either forgotten that information or been too preoccupied running around trying to do better to check which sports bag I’d grabbed before leaving my apartment.

After looking in the trunk and discovering my error, Dominic was pissed. I’m talking pissed. He yelled. He screamed. He slammed my trunk and cursed, telling me how stupid I was and how much he hated me.

I wanted to argue that he could maybe borrow some equipment, or at least sit and watch, but that didn’t seem like the right thing to say at the moment or an option Dominic wanted to hear.

He looked defeated. He climbed in the car, shaking, face beet red and tears in his eyes.

I couldn’t remember how many sorries I gave him on our way to pick up Eli, but I knew it was a lot.

I also knew it wasn’t enough.

When we got back to the apartment, Eli honed in on the Xbox I’d taken from the house and immediately started up a game. He thanked me three times for setting it up for them.

Dominic joined him after dropping off his stuff in the bedroom, grabbing the other remote, and plopping down next to Eli on the couch.

He didn’t thank me. He didn’t even look at me.

Again, I deserved his anger, so I didn’t get on him about it.

When Mom called later that night to check on things, I kept the conversation on Nana, Pop, and Dad, figuring if I did that, I wouldn’t have to share my monumental mess-ups and risk upsetting her. When she asked how the boys were doing, I told her they were okay. Okay seemed like an appropriate word.

Not great. Not terrible.

My response seemed expected. With Dad’s disease progressing the way it was doing, I had a feeling she was used to them being just okay.

I wanted to do everything I could to help with that, and after I finished speaking with her, I went ahead and set a second backup alarm on my phone. I wasn’t leaving any room for error.

The next day started out so much better than the previous.

We got up on time. The boys got a good breakfast in them. There wasn’t any rushing around, and Dominic didn’t seem to hate me as much as he did the night before, at least making eye contact with me when I’d ask him a question. I had high hopes. Today was going to be a good day.

I even had my first appointment in my brand-new, spectacular chair while the boys were at school. The lady who lived across the hall in 6B went from drab to fab when I put some blonde with rose gold peekaboo highlights in her hair.

Her husband was returning from deployment soon, and she wanted to surprise him. I was stoked she was giving me the honor. That made the experience even more special.

She hugged me after the blow dry, loving how her hair turned out, booked her next appointment, and asked about bringing her kids over for fresh cuts.

I couldn’t help myself. I was just so happy. I had to hug her again.

After that, I took to Snapchat and posted a pic of the before and after.

It was difficult waiting for 6B to leave before I danced all around my apartment, but I fought the urge. Then, once that door closed behind her, I really let loose.

I shimmied my hips from room to room. I even posted a little video of my celebration with the hashtag thankful.

Tori, Syd, and Kali all commented on my video, telling me how much ass I was kicking. That made me feel good.

I was determined to start kicking ass at everything.

School pickups went by without a hitch that afternoon. Once I got the boys home, I heated up the leftovers and set the table for dinner while they worked on their homework.

Eli was happy. Dominic cracked a smile when I stubbed my toe on a chair, which I typically wouldn’t appreciate, but at least he was smiling. I thought we were over the bad. Especially when the boys actually ate dinner with me and didn’t request more game time.

I wore a smile during that entire meal. I didn’t even care how weird I looked, chewing and smiling at the same time. Everything was going to work out. I wouldn’t let the boys down anymore, and I wouldn’t disappoint my mom.

My phone rang just as I was washing up the dishes.

I dried off my hands while leaning over the counter, looking at the number flashing on the screen.

Again, it was one I didn’t recognize, but I just figured it was someone looking to get their hair done, so I didn’t get an uneasy feeling.

“Hi, Shay, this is Rachel, Eli’s speech therapist…”

As soon as I heard her greeting, I knew in my gut, this was not going to be a good phone call. My pulse quickened with worry, and that uneasy feeling filled me up inside. I slumped into the nearest chair.

“I know your parents are out of town right now,” she continued, “but Eli missed his therapy today. It was at five o’clock. Were you aware?”

“No,” I replied, voice cracking. I turned away from where the boys were sitting in the living room and blinked at the wall. “I mean, I knew he had therapy, I just didn’t know what day it was. I’m sorry.” I cupped my hand over my eyes. “Can he make it up? Do you have time tomorrow, or maybe this weekend? I can bring him whenever.”

I knew how important Eli’s speech therapy was. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten to ask him about it. Why wasn’t I thinking?

“Unfortunately, I don’t have any open slots for makeups. He sees me on Mondays and Thursdays, though. Those are his set appointments. Always at five o’clock.”

I grabbed the pen and scribbled that information down on the notebook paper I was quickly filling. “Okay. Um, could you maybe bill me instead of my parents for that one? It was my fault. I should’ve found out when his therapy was.”

“That can be arranged. That’s fine.”

“I’m so sorry. My mother is superwoman. I’m not sure how she does all this.”

I wrote the word STUPID in bold black ink at the bottom of the page and pointed an arrow at myself.

The woman laughed softly in my ear. “Probably because she has to. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It happens.”

Her words were kind, but they didn’t penetrate.

“Okay, I’ll have him there Monday. Thank you for calling.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother.”

“Thank you.”

“Take care.”

Disconnecting the call, I set the phone down on the notebook paper and dropped my head into my hand, groaning. “Eli?”

“Yeah?”

“We forgot about your therapy today, buddy.” I slowly looked up, meeting his wide eyes over the back of the couch.

“Oops,” he said, wincing. “I f-forgot.”

“Me too. I didn’t even think about it.” I shook my head and sat back, tossing the pen across the table and watching it roll onto the floor. “I’m not thinking about anything. This is my fault. Not yours.”

Suddenly, Eli got to his feet and turned to face me. His shaky hands cupped his cheeks.

I sat up tall and asked him, “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“D-don’t be m-mad at m-me, S-Shay.”

“Buddy, I’m not mad at you. I just said this is my fault.”

He shook his head and quickly rounded the couch, stopping at his book bag on the floor against the wall, and bent down to dig through it. When he straightened again and walked toward me, his feet dragging the carpet like he was fighting against some force making him move, he was holding a bright red folder.

“I w-was s-s-supposed to g-give you this. I f-f-forgot.” Eli handed me the folder over top of the table, then shoved his hands in his pants pockets and lowered his head.

I opened the folder and saw papers inside with my mother’s careful handwriting.

There was a list of contact numbers, the boys’ school agendas, and a calendar of activities.

Everything I needed to know was in here.

Dominic’s tutoring schedule, practice days and times, and Eli’s therapy days. Everything was listed and detailed. Times, places, directions, she included everything. And at the bottom was a note to me, thanking me for all my help.

I bit my lip to keep from crying and looked up at Eli. “Hey.”

He kept looking at the carpet.

“E, hey, look at me,” I said, getting his eyes that time. There was so much sadness there, it was difficult to take, but I somehow managed to give him an easy smile in return. “Thank you so, so much for giving me this. I forgot to ask you for it. Mom told me you had it, and I just completely forgot. I’m sorry.”

His eyes flickered wider, and he sucked in a breath. “S-She did?”

I nodded. There was no way I was letting him take the blame for this. That look on his face was killing me.

“I-I…it w-wasn’t my f-f-fault?” he asked.

I stood then, dropping the folder on the table and pulling him into a hug. “No, it was my fault,” I said against his hair. “You reminded me. If you wouldn’t have done that, I don’t know what would’ve happened. You totally saved the day.”

His little body sagged with relief, then he hugged me back with the strongest arms of any eight-year-old boy, I was sure of it.

I kissed the top of his head. “Thank you.”

“Y-You’re welcome.”

After giving me a smile, Eli walked away, his steps lighter now since he wasn’t carrying the weight of that worry anymore. He sat down on the couch, laughed at something Dominic said, and resumed playing his game.

I made sure the kitchen was cleaned up, then I carried the folder to my salon room and closed the door behind me.

The futon was back to its waiting room position, looking more like a couch than a bed. Sighing, I plopped down on one end, tucked my feet underneath my hip, and flipped open the folder in my lap.

Even though I had everything written down, I still took the rest of the night and studied the contents of that folder as if someone were taking it away from me at any second. I wouldn’t mess anything else up. I wouldn’t forget. I wouldn’t make any more mistakes.

I went over that calendar until the dates blurred into the each other, and then I made some coffee and went over it again.

Tomorrow was Friday. Dominic had math, which I knew now, but there it was, written right in front of me. Eli had a field trip to the botanical gardens in the morning and baseball practice after school.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to pick up Dominic while Eli was at practice, since I didn’t want to leave him there by himself, but I would figure it out.

I had to.

It didn’t matter how much I could kick ass at hair. It didn’t matter how awesome of a start Hair by Shay was off to. I needed to kick ass at this. This was what mattered—those two boys needed me, and I wouldn’t let them down anymore.

“It’s Friday!” I sang, pulling out of the apartment complex the next morning. “Are you guys excited for today?”

Dominic mumbled an annoyed “whatever,” as he played on his phone, while Eli sat forward, gripped the back of my seat and smiled at me in the rearview.

I giggled at him. “I know why you’re so excited. It’s field trip day, right?”

“Y-Yes! I get to m-miss math and r-reading!”

“Sweet.” I held my hand over my shoulder and got a high-five. “Speaking of math, Dom, I’ll be picking you up today after your tutoring. Don’t forget.”

“How could I? You’ve reminded me ten times already since I got up.”

I ignored Dom.

Death stares and attitudes weren’t penetrating my happy mood today. I felt prepared and even a little excited with the arsenal of information I was carrying in that bright red folder sitting on the passenger seat. Even all the looking I knew I’d be doing while working my shift at Whitecaps today wasn’t getting me down.

My pathetic heart aside, I was feeling pretty powerful.

Waiting for the traffic to clear, I pulled us out onto the main highway, got about a mile up the road, and then came to a stop when the cars in front of me slowed.

“W-What’s going on?” Eli asked.

“Just a little traffic.” I gave him a reassuring smile in the mirror. “Fridays are always like this. It’ll be fine. We’ll start moving soon.”

He nodded, finding comfort in that, and settled back against the seat to look out the window.

I slide my hands around the wheel as a quiet concern began to circle inside my head.

Maybe we should’ve left earlier to prepare for this. It’s what Mom would’ve done.

No.

We are not getting stuck in traffic. We will not be late. This is not happening.

Resilient to anything bringing us down today, I twisted the knob on the radio and filled the car with music, silencing that pesky worry I couldn’t listen to for another second.

The cars moved ahead, and we inched forward. Then we sat still for a solid thirteen minutes and eleven seconds.

“I c-can’t be l-late, S-Shay!” Eli whined from the back seat.

“Buddy, you won’t be late. I promise,” I said, not having the right to promise him something like that, but they were the only words I could think to say at the moment. I didn’t want him worrying. God, his sweet little voice was the saddest thing I’d ever heard, it was so panicked.

“Look. Here we go.”

We started moving again, slowly, but it was a steady crawl.

“I swear to God, if it’s just people rubbernecking up here, I’m gonna knock someone the fuck out.”

“S-Shay!” Eli giggled. “You s-said the f w-word!”

Dominic chuckled under his breath.

I sat up straight. “Oh, uh, ignore what I just said,” I told them both, cringing.

When we got about a mile up the road, the flow of traffic finally began to pick up, and I floored it, knowing it would take a miracle not to be late at this point.

There were nine red lights between the highway and Dominic’s school.

We hit every.

Single.

One.

“Shay,” Eli whined, his legs bouncing against the seat so hard I could feel it in my back.

I skidded to stop at the curb in front of the entrance of the middle school.

“Jesus. Drive much,” Dominic snickered.

Feeling murderous, I whipped my head around and snapped, “You are not helping. Now get your ass out of the car.”

“I need a note.”

Shit. Of course he needed a note. HE WAS LATE.

After frantically looking around the front seat in search for some loose-leaf and coming up empty-handed, I flattened out a crumpled Taco Bell receipt and scribbled on the back.

“Here,” I said, shoving into his hand. “Now go. Hurry.”

He looked at the receipt and then at me like I was crazy for giving that to him, mumbled something under his breath while grabbing his book bag off the floor, and finally exited the car.

The door slammed. I was about to pull away from the curb when sniffling turned my head.

Big, fat tears poured down Eli’s face as he stared at the window. “M-My f-field trip. I’m g-gonna m-miss it.”

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Whipping back around and shifting the gear into drive, I sped away from Hyde County Middle while whispering every prayer I could think of.

“We’ll get there. It’ll be okay, E,” I said as I drove safely but still well over the speed limit.

Eli kept crying and bouncing his legs.

I was gripping the steering wheel so tight, my fingers were going numb. Please. Oh, God. Please.

I let out a sigh of relief when I saw a couple buses still parked in front of the school. After stopping at the curb, I got out with Eli, keeping my car running, and sprinted with him inside.

“Hi! He’s here. He’s here,” I said, rushing into the front office with him. “We aren’t too late, are we?”

An older black woman dressed in a pantsuit was standing at the counter. She looked at me, smiled, then lowered her gaze to Eli. “Not too too late,” she said, tilting her head as she studied him. “Whose homeroom are you in, sweetie?”

“Ms. Coleman’s,” Eli answered.

Her lips pressed together. “Oh, you just missed the bus. They just left to go to the botanical gardens.”

“No!” Eli cried, looking back at me. “S-Shay!”

I gripped his shoulders. “It’s okay,” I said, trying to summon a smile. “I’ll just take him on my way to work, and he can meet up with his class there.”

The woman stepped forward, shaking her head while motioning for Eli to come to her. “No, he would’ve had to have ridden the bus. I’m sorry, but it’s school policy. He’ll just have to stay here and wait for his class. Come on, sweetheart. What’s your name?”

I kept my grip on his shoulders so Eli couldn’t move. “This is ridiculous! Why are you punishing him? He should get to go on the field trip with his class. Can’t you see how much he wants to go?”

She glanced at Eli, who I knew was still crying—I could feel his little body shake and hear his quiet sniffles. Then the woman locked eyes with me and said in a firm voice, “He’ll have to stay here. I’m sorry.”

Closing my eyes through a harsh breath and fighting against the strongest urge I’d ever had to punch someone right in the mouth, I stepped to Eli’s side and looked down, my heart breaking into a million pieces when I saw the steady stream of tears running down his face.

“Hey,” I whispered, bending down so we were eye level. “I’m going to take you to the botanical gardens, okay? We can go tonight, or tomorrow.”

“I have b-baseball.”

“We’ll go after baseball. Or we’ll do whatever you want to do. We’ll go somewhere really special, okay? Wherever you want. I promise.”

Eli kept his eyes on the floor. He wouldn’t look at me.

My promises probably meant jack shit to him now. I could promise him the world, and it wouldn’t matter.

“I am so sorry, E,” I said, giving his arms a squeeze.

Head down, Eli walked away when Ms. Unwilling-to-Be-Understanding-in-Her-Stupid-Ass-Pantsuit beckoned him forward again, and the two of them disappeared behind a door.

I felt like a complete failure.

Pissing Dominic off was one thing. That hurt. But disappointing Eli? That pain was unbearable.

After signing him in as late so it wouldn’t get marked unexcused, I walked out to my car, barely pulling away from the school before I started crying.

I’d held it together up until that point, but I just couldn’t fight it anymore. I kept picturing Eli’s face while I drove.

This was all my fault.

I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t helping out my Mom. I wasn’t making anyone’s lives easier. I was fucking everything up.

Sniffling, I pulled around the side of Whitecaps and backed into a space. I had exactly twelve minutes before my shift started.

I was using those twelve minutes.

With my hands free now, I buried my face in them and sobbed.