Abigail

 

It’s him.

It has to be him.

I know it’s him.

Every nerve is firing, every intuition I’ve ever had paling into insignificance next to this one.

I can’t pay for my fuel quickly enough. It’s desperation that makes me call out to him.

“Wait!”

He doesn’t even slow down.

“Wait, just a minute!” I call again, but he doesn’t look back.

I swear under my breath as I shove the stupid sweets into my handbag. I’m forcing my purse in after them as I dart through the queue and throw myself through the open door.

Fuck.

I scan the cars at the fuel pumps but don’t see him. It’s only when I take a step to the right that I see him heading for a truck at the far side.

Opposite me. He was at the pump opposite me. I must’ve been right next to him.

My sandals make a slapping sound on the forecourt as I dash over. I may be wired like a fucking crazy, but there’s no way I’m letting him leave. Not without knowing for sure how I can see him again.

If I can see him again.

I approach from the front of his truck, standing like an idiot to block his way out of here. He’d have to mow me down to get out of my sight.

And then I look at him. Really look at him.

He’s as dark as I imagined. Dark hair, dark eyes, heavy brows. His hair is long on top, just as I remembered. His beard is fucking perfect. He looks fierce, wild. He’s dressed in black. Black jacket, black t-shirt, black everything. My legs are quivering and I don’t care. My whole body is thrumming, and it feels like life itself.

The tattoos on his neck are obvious. Glorious.

He’s fucking glorious.

And he’s staring right at me.

“It’s you,” I tell him, even though my voice is weak.

He doesn’t even flinch, just raises an eyebrow. “It is?”

I’m nodding, even though I’m second guessing myself. I contemplate the possibility that I’m crazy, and this guy – this beautiful creature – is just a coincidence.

But no.

I know this isn’t a coincidence.

I remember the way his skin felt under my fingertips. I remember the graze of the hair on his scalp.

I remember him.

He takes a step forward and my breath catches in my throat.

“What’s me exactly, sweetheart?”

Another step forward and I’m so aware of the bulk of him. So aware how easily he picked me up.

There’s a tension in the air between us, and I’m not imagining it. His body knows mine, just as mine knows his, and I’m not imagining that either.

“It was you…” I whisper. “I know it was you…”

He tips his head. His smile is dirty.

Divine.

Everything.

He could run me down with his truck for real before I’d move an inch.

“You’re looking for someone?” he asks.

I nod like a fool.

He shrugs. Playing with me. He has to be playing with me.

“And where did you meet this someone? Are they from around these parts?”

“Online,” I whisper. “I met him online. I ran through the darkness and he caught me. I had a fantasy and he brought it to life. He made it real, and now I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop.”

“So you came looking for him?” he asks, and I see it. He can’t hide the glint in his eye.

“I couldn’t think of a better option.”

He smiles at that. “In that case I’d suggest you go looking for him back where you found him.”

“He’s deactivated his profile,” I say, deadpan.

He shrugs. “Maybe he’ll turn back up.”

“You think?” I ask.

He nods, just a little. “Worth a shot, right?”

I watch mute as he climbs into his truck. I’m still standing there as he turns on the ignition.

He puts down the window and leans out on his elbow. I see the ink snaking up his arms and wonder how far it goes.

All the way.

I imagine it goes all the way.

“Must’ve made quite an impression, this stranger,” he says.

“You could say that.” My smile feels ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. I step closer, as close as I dare. I could reach out and touch him. I wish I was brave enough. “He’s all I can think about.”

He smiles back at that. “Should be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.”

“I’m counting on it,” I tell him.

His eyes eat me up but I hold mine firm. The darkness there takes my breath. My demons wave at his, and I swear they wave back.

I feel the ghost of a shiver up my spine.

My whole body wants him to wrestle me into his truck and drive me away.

“Goodbye, Cinderella,” he says and my heart stutters.

My shoes. He remembers I lost my shoes.

It’s still stuttering when he puts the truck in gear and drives away. The truck rumbles, loud. His elbow is still resting on the open window as he pulls onto the street and disappears from view.

If I wasn’t a puddle of everything, I’d drive after him.

If I wasn’t shaking like a leaf, I’d try to tail him all the way to forever.

But I’m both.

It takes every last scrap of composure I’ve got left just to drive my car off the forecourt.

 

* * *

 

Phoenix

 

I’m done fighting.

I drive home without going back to the warehouse. I take the scenic route up the hills only to make sure she isn’t following me.

If she was, I’d head her off long before I ever got there. I’d coax her into the middle of nowhere and punish-fuck her for her boldness until she screamed.

I’m at least partially disappointed her Mini doesn’t appear in my rearview, but that’s okay.

We’re well off fucking script all round, but that’s okay too.

It’ll have to be.

I barely acknowledge Serena when I step through the door at home. Cameron heads on over and I scoop him up for a bear hug, just like usual.

“Good day, champ?” I ask and he nods.

Serena’s made lunch for the both of them. Potato salad with mayo. She holds up the bowl and I nod.

I take a seat at the table and pat the place next to me for Cam. He climbs up without protest, doesn’t even look for his high chair. That’s got to be progress. Got to mean something.

I’m clutching at straws, but I don’t care. Not right now.

I’m still fucking angry, but it feels easier not to show it. Everything feels easier right now.

Serena spoons me out a bowlful and slips into the chair opposite. She looks at her food and not at me.

I thank her and she nods.

I hold back from helping Cam with his cutlery, and sure enough he does it for himself.

“It’s nice to be back,” Serena offers finally.

I don’t have a response for that, so I say nothing.

“I’ve enjoyed the day with Cam,” she continues. “We had a good day, didn’t we?” she prompts and he smiles.

It’s a good move on her part. I can’t argue with a smile from my boy and she knows it.

“What are your plans?” I ask and she shrugs.

“I want to come back, Leo. Please let me stay.”

I sigh. Smile to myself. Smile at how crazy my world is.

And then I breathe.

I just fucking breathe.

Open-toed sandals and a red summer dress. Her beautiful confusion.

Her shaking fingers.

The want in her eyes.

“Stay for dinner,” I say to my sister. “Cam wants you around. Right, champ?”

He nods. Grins.

I just wish he’d fucking say something.

“And you?” she asks. “Do you want me around, too?”

Too much, too soon. I feel my eyes darken on hers.

She holds up a hand. “Sorry, my bad.”

But it’s mine.

It’s all mine.

I eat my potato salad and keep my mouth shut. I tell her it’s delicious and clear up the bowls.

And then I head upstairs to let my demons run free.

 

* * *

 

Abigail

 

I race upstairs to my apartment. I curse my laptop for taking so long to start up.

I log in with bated breath, but there’s nothing there.

Just the same old greyed out profile staring back at me.

Crap.

Holy motherfucking crap.

I try it again, logging out and back in just to see if it makes any difference.

It doesn’t.

I drop onto my sofa and keep the window open on screen.

He’s got to be there. Got to be.

But he isn’t.

And then, in a heartbeat, he is.

Oh my poor heart, how it thumps.

In a flash his greyed out profile comes back to life. His picture appears right where it should be. Phoenix Burning online.

I stare at the little green circle as my soul expands and soars free.

My fingers have a life of their own, but his message pings through first.

You’re pretty reckless, hunting down a monster in a strange town. You’d better hope the monster doesn’t creep up on your tail.

He has no idea how much I want him creeping up on me. No idea how fucking crazy I am for another round in the darkness.

I press enter and send him my message, niceties be fucked.

I need to see you again. Please.

I watch the icon as he types.

Be careful what you wish for. This beast isn’t tame. It’s wild. Dangerous.

It fucking bites.

I remember his teeth on me. The way he nipped my neck. The tickle of his beard. His breath.

How much I wanted him.

I wish for everything, I type. Scare me. Chase me. Hunt me down. I don’t care.

I keep on typing before he has a chance to respond.

You brought me to life again. Being with you gave me hope when I had none. I can’t go back.

My heart is racing, mouth dry. I feel like an addict going cold turkey, desperate for a fix.

His message pings. I can barely look.

This is crazy. Dangerous.

Out of hand already.

I can’t argue with that. I don’t even try.

Please. Just tell me where to go.

I cross my fingers and toes. I cross my legs too, clamping my thighs closed just to feel the squeeze against my pulsing clit.

His reply takes an age, and it feels different now. I can picture him now. His brooding darkness, the gorgeous bulk of him.

Be ready at midnight. I’ll tell you where to go.

If you change your mind, just stay offline.

It you’ve any sense, you’ll change your mind.

I haven’t any sense. I’ve come to terms with that already. I’m at peace with these reckless decisions and the rocky road I’m travelling.

I just hope he is, too.

My reply is easy. Obvious.

I’ll be ready at midnight.

He’s already offline when I hit enter.

 

* * *

 

Phoenix

 

I’d have told Serena she was welcome to stay over regardless of whether or not I had somewhere to be tonight. I’m not such a prick that I’m only offering for my own ends.

She sorts out Cam’s bed time, and he’s happy for it. She reads him his story as I listen from the landing outside.

It’s the one about the ducks and the caterpillar. I know the words by heart.

I’m desperate to hold her tight and make things up. The words are stuck in my throat, begging to come out and thank her for everything she’s done for us. To ask her to come home.

This is her home now.

But it’s not that fucking simple. If only it was.

Her words are still ricocheting around my soul. Those festering questions that hang in dusty corners, they’re all right there, spoken aloud between us.

Things can’t just go back to the way they were before.

She looks uncharacteristically meek as she steps out to join me.

“He’s fast asleep,” she whispers and closes his door gently.

“I could do with heading out for a while,” I say as we head downstairs. “But I can stay in. I don’t want to impose.”

She falls over herself to tell me it’s ok. Her eyes are curious but happy. Asking silent questions that I’m not ready to answer and maybe never will be.

I’m not sure meeting a stranger online for brutal sex in dark alleyways classes as potential relationship material.

Relationship.

Even the word brings me out in a cold sweat.

“Go,” Serena says. “Take a break. Enjoy yourself. I’ll take care of Cam. I’m just happy to be back home.” She pauses. “Even if it’s just for a night.”

I have no answer to that.

I wish I could cut through my own baggage enough to tell her I’m happy too.

I wish I could forget that she had that sonofabitch in my house behind my back.

Like she’s the first woman to have Jake here behind my back.

I shunt that little gem of bitterness right back into the depths.

And then I grab my jacket.