Abigail

“He turned up again, then?” Lauren’s eyes sparkle as she props herself against my desk. I play dumb, my face as impassive as I can make it until she tuts at me. “Leo,” she says. “He turned up, right?”

I can’t stop the grin. “What makes you say that?”

She gestures to the open office. “Uh, hello. You’re beaming across the whole building this morning. Only one thing that gets a girl limping like that on a coffee round.”

She really has no idea how much effort it’s taking to walk at all. I put down my paperwork. “He may have turned up again.”

My very expressive friend raises her hands to the sky. “Halleluiah. I knew he’d be back. The guy looked at you like I look at greasy fries after a night clubbing. Praise be for online dating and the slim odds,” she raises a finger, “and I do mean slim, of finding an actual hottie in the ether.”

“I guess fate threw me a break.” My cheeks are burning up. The urge to laugh at life’s craziness fizzes in my throat.

“Lucky bitch,” Kelly calls in my direction as she heads to the meeting room. “I’d ride that stallion all night long. Yeehaw.”

I doubt that very much. Not if she wanted to be vaguely mobile anytime the week following.

“Did he bring you flowers?” Lauren asks. “Chocolates to soften the blow of radio silence?”

I shake my head. “Somehow I don’t think he’s much of a flowers and chocolates kinda guy.”

She sighs. “He doesn’t need to be. He’s all darkness and brawn and pure, hot man flesh.”

“He’s definitely all of those things, yeah,” I agree. And secrets, and pain, and kisses that taste like thunder.

“Will he be with you at Diva’s on Thursday?”

I shrug. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

She rolls her eyes. “Maybe you guys should try a little communication alongside your more physical activities. Guy has a phone, right?”

My skin prickles. “Yes. He does.”

“So call him. Ask him. Demand him to get his bloody dancing shoes on and come out for a good time.”

If only. I stumble over a lacklustre excuse. “We, um… prefer things to be spontaneous…”

I’m relieved when her phone extension summons her back to her own desk. “Call him!” are her parting words.

I think I’ll give that advice a miss. I’ll just be glad if he shows up at all. Diva’s or no.

There are some distinct downsides to his random appearances. Not least that I’ve been wearing some pretty awesome outfits for his benefit, only to have him show up when I’m in my plain Jane nightwear with my hair piled on my head.

I’d invite him along to our summer barbeque if I could face it. The gaudy affair is billed to be the event of the century. Dress to impress and all that jazz.

It only feels like yesterday I was dreading the whole sorry affair and everything that went along with it. Now I’m pretty much as hyped about it as everyone else in this place.

Lauren is wearing her old prom dress with a fascinator she bought for a wedding and never went to. Kelly is wearing a ballgown she bought for her ex’s Christmas ball last winter. Kathleen from the management team has gone all out designer couture by all accounts. Won’t even show anyone a sneak preview.

I’m wearing something new.

Figures, since I don’t really have anything old.

The dress I’ve picked out is sexy in that demure kind of way. Ankle-length plum satin with a diamante trim, fitted like a dream, and delicate enough that I feel like I’m wearing a negligee.

It’s a fucking travesty that Leo won’t see me in it.

Not unless I wear it to bed every evening on the off chance he’s going to break in.

I smile to myself. Maybe I should start jogging in it at midnight along the river path. Could be my cool new hobby.

I check my phone is still on in my drawer, wondering if he really is keeping close tabs on me.

Maybe I could use it to hunt him one of these days. Use it as a decoy to coax him into a dark alley somewhere. The idea gives me a strange chill.

The bait using a decoy to snare the hunter. I do love a good twist.

I could jump him. Use the element of surprise to get the bastard half naked for once.

My smile widens.

Yes. I’d like that.

I’d like that a lot.

I picture the bulk of him. The weight of him against my chest. The way he feels inside me with his forehead pressed to mine.

And then I giggle because life is good.

Life is really good.

Even if I don’t stand a hope in hell of jumping the monster in a million years, it matters not.

I’m perfectly fine with him jumping me.

 

* * *

 

Phoenix

 

My lawyer says a paternity battle will be both lengthy and expensive. She gives me her most professional stare over the top of her fine-rimmed glasses and assures me I should call Jake’s bluff and count on him running out of both energy and cash. But she doesn’t know Jake like I know him.

She hasn’t seen the desperation in his eyes.

I’d have trusted Jake with anything on this planet before Mariana came along. Back when it was just the three of us – Jake, Serena, and me – I’d have sworn on everything I had that we’d be tight for all time.

We’re blood, after all.

I’m amazed it’s come to seeking legal advice about a non-molestation order to keep him away from the house and Cameron. But it has.

I feel grim as she lays out my options and what evidence I’d need to gather to support my case.

It needs more than my testimony. It needs dates, times, witnesses. It needs police involvement.

I feel weighed down by the process before it’s even started.

“Off the record,” she says. “Wouldn’t it be better to throw the dog a bone for the time being? Is there any way you can negotiate some access rights? You said he’s demanding you sell the old business premises, is that not something you could entertain for the sake of compromise? It might at least buy you some favour and some time to gather the evidence you need, no?”

I lean back in the chair opposite her, realising all over again how different she is from us – Jake and me. She’s got a wall full of qualifications and professionally highlighted hair. She flinches whenever I reach over for a handshake, even though she doesn’t know she’s doing it.

In short, the woman has no idea what I’m dealing with here.

“Jake isn’t the kind of dog you want to throw a bone to,” I tell her.

She shrugs. “In that case, I’d say just keep on doing what you’re doing. Start keeping records of your interaction. Refuse to take the paternity test. It’s your name on Cameron’s birth certificate, and you were Mariana’s common law partner when she passed away. Legally, at this time, Cameron is undeniably your son. The onus will very much be on your brother to prove otherwise.”

I thank her for her time, even though I’ll pay through the nose for every second of it.

The sun is shining bright when I step outside and head back to my truck. I check the time. Early enough that I should head back for the last of the daily shipments. Late enough that I don’t want to.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken an afternoon for myself during work time. The combination of the warmth of the sun on my back and the need to take my sunglasses from the glovebox makes my decision for me.

Instead of taking a left back onto the industrial estate, I take a right.

I cruise back up the hillside with my window down low and music up high, feeling ten years younger and a whole lot wiser than I did this time yesterday.

Happier, too.

And it’s not just from the sun.

Serena nearly falls over herself as I pull onto the driveway. I see her through the window, pointing me out to Cam. And how my boy smiles. He smiles and waves, and I forget in that one moment that he’s anything other than a normal kid enjoying the summer.

Maybe treating him like he’s anything else has been the problem all along.

It’s the perfect day to finish up my refurbishments on the swimming pool. It’s also one of the only bastard times we’ll get to use it, given the fact it’s raining at least eighty percent of the time up here.

The pool was Mariana’s whim, definitely not mine, and far enough back that I indulged her.

I only scoop Cameron up for a minute on the way through before I’m straight out there working out what still needs doing.

And then I remember why I agreed to this stupid installation in the first place.

Our house is positioned right on the slope of the Malverns. The ground drops sharply away and rolls down to the town below. The pool is down three flights of steps from the back porch. It had to be that way to clear enough ground space to house the thing.

It’s heated, but barely. It’s shallow enough at the deep end that my toes still touch the floor and barely long enough to get a decent swim out of.

It’s saving grace is that it’s an infinity design. Another one of Mariana’s whims.

In that pool you feel like you’re on the edge of the world. No barriers. No manmade protrusions. Just a ledge and the whole fucking vista down below.

Mariana used to say she was sitting amongst the stars. My breath catches in my throat as I picture her there, propped on the ledge to nowhere with wet hair and a champagne flute in her hand.

It’s like we’re flying, Leo. Can you feel it?

I pull the tarp back and wind it in. The water sparkles like gold in the sun.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it in its glory. Aside from the maintenance I’ve been working on over long nights recently, the cover hasn’t been off once since she died.

Not for me, and not for Cam, either.

I look back up at the house and find him there, staring at me over the railings. I wave and he waves back.

He points at the water and I give him a thumbs-up.

I’d forgotten how much he loved this pool. I’d forgotten all the afternoons we spent splashing about in here when the weather held. Even when it didn’t.

It’s been easier to forget than to feel.

I check the filter is working just fine, and run a final water check. My maintenance has paid off. The pool is perfectly usable.

Cam is jumping around the living room as I dig the old inflatables out of the pool cupboard. He’s reaching up for his inflatable turtle and his armbands before I can even finish blowing them up.

“Alright, champ.” I laugh. “Give your dad a minute, will you?” I tip my head towards the kitchen. “Go ask Serena to grab your shorts.”

I hear Serena trying to decipher his message as I head upstairs to sort my own pool wear.

I dig out a pair of shorts and a towel from the airer. Change quickly before the weather decides to change on me.

Cam is frustrated when I get back down, Serena shaking her head as he tries to communicate.

“He needs shorts,” I tell her. “For swimming.” And then the tiniest intuition hits home. Hard. I keep my voice easy. Calm. Steady enough that even I barely notice the tension. “You could have just asked her, champ. We’d have been down there already by now.”

Serena hands him a pair from the laundry basket. I resist the urge to jump in and help him change.

I hold back from congratulating him for doing it himself, playing the whole thing down as we head outside.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the sun on my bare back. A long time since my scars have seen the light of day. For the first time in a while they barely bother me. I’m all smiles as I get Cameron kitted up in his armbands and throw the turtle in the water.

“Let’s go, bud,” I say and drop myself in the shallow end. I’m lazing on my back quite happily as Cameron tackles the steps on his own. He launches himself in the water with a grin and bobs about for just a second until he finds his feet.

He can swim. He’s been in this pool since before he could walk, even if it’s been a while.

That knowledge makes it easier for me to play it cool as he splashes over to the deep end. He chases the turtle but the turtle keeps on moving, always just that little way out of reach.

I hold back. Hold firm. Reining myself in tight from grabbing it for him.

He’s laughing his silent laugh as he paddles the length of the pool after it. I keep out of his way to give him a clear path, and something happens in that water. Something quite extraordinary.

Maybe it’s the familiarity of happier times. Maybe it’s the challenge of the chase that distracts him enough to forget his usual inhibitions.

Maybe it’s just all in good time, like they said it would be.

But my nerves prickle as I hear him grunt and grab for that big green turtle. My feet are firmly on the floor as he reaches out for its inflated fin and holds on tight.

And my heart is in my throat as he squeals in triumph when it’s his.

Like father, like son.

“Good work, bud!” I call, and he grins. I try my best to keep my voice light. “Now let him go and chase him again. See if you can catch him a second time.”

He looks so proud of himself, my boy. He lets go happily and watches that turtle go bobbing back across the pool. I’m watching too, pretending I’m in the race to grab him myself, and Cam picks up a gear, his feet kicking out like a trooper as he thinks I’m going to steal the glory.

I hang back, pretend I’m straining. “Go, champ! You got this!”

Kicking and sploshing and concentration – that grin still firm on his face as he swims.

And then he catches him.

He catches him at the corner of the pool and slams his hands around that turtle’s goofy head. And he laughs.

My boy laughs.

My heart soars so high it’s fucking painful. I’ve got a lump in my throat I can’t swallow away, and a deadpan expression like it’s no big fucking deal that he just made a sound.

“Great job!” I call. “Well done, Cam. You got him.”

And he forgets himself.

I guess in that one happy moment he forgets it all. He points at the turtle’s big green flippers and looks me right in the face, and then he speaks.

Two simple words that change my whole fucking world. “He’s fast.”

I splash myself with water so he can’t see the tears. I pretend I’m coughing water and laughing as I make my way over.

“Yeah, bud. He sure is. But you’re faster. You swim like a fish.” I pause. “Remember this game, Cam?”

I don’t know if he does, but I sure do. He’s not expecting it as I slam my hands flat on the surface. Not expecting to get splashed as the water spurts.

I’m not sure it really is the memory that has him giggling his head off, but I don’t give a shit either way.

He splashes me back, kicking and slapping water all over me, and I’m laughing too.

And then I see Serena at the railings. I point and wave and Cam does too.

“Shall we shout her, Cam? See if we can get her to hear us? Maybe she’ll come down too if we’re loud enough.”

I don’t really expect him to join in as I shout her name.

She clasps her hand over her mouth as he does.

I spin him around so he can’t see her surprise.

And I thank my lucky fucking stars that Mariana got her way with this stupid bloody swimming pool.