Abigail

 

I can’t believe he’s still in there.

I can’t believe he won’t run, fast, while he has the chance.

But then again I can.

I can’t imagine Leo running from anything.

I’m close enough to hear their conversation. Close enough to get caught in the flames if this shit really does turn bad.

But I’m not running either.

“What are you talking about?” Leo asks. “You started the fire? Why?”

Jake shakes his head. He looks more broken than terrifying right now, but illusions like that can be deadly. “I got a call from her. Same old shit. Called you a cunt, said she was leaving. Said she needed my help, like always. I came running, like always.” He slams his head back into a container behind him. I flinch at the clang. “She was already in here when I arrived, bringing up those containers on a trolley. You know what she was like. Her fury could move fucking mountains.”

“She shifted the whole lot?” Leo asks.

Jake nods. “Most of it. I took one trolley load off her because she was straining. That’s all. The rest was already done.”

Leo sighs. “She wanted to burn the place down. I always thought she’d eventually lose control of the circus in her head.”

Jake doesn’t look at him. “I said she should just leave, stop the crazy shit and take off. I said I had money, that we could start over. I said we could leave you with the business and move somewhere new.”

“And what about Cameron?” Leo asks.

Jake shrugs. “You know what she was like about Cameron. Hell, I don’t know, Leo. She wasn’t making all that much fucking sense. She said if she burnt the fucking place you’d have nothing to stay for, that you’d go with her and explore the whole fucking world.”

The woman sounds as crazy as sin, but I try my best not to judge her. I just take a deep breath of my own and keep my senses on high alert.

“Were you gonna help her?” Leo asks, and Jake shakes his head.

“Like I said, I suggested we leave together, me and her. I thought it was our chance. I was desperate for that chance.”

He looks desperate too, sitting there. I try to put myself in his place, even though I think he’s a psychopath. How I’d feel already if it was Leo who’d burned in that fire. Times that by the however many years he’d known her. Loved her from afar.

My stomach churns as I imagine this terrible scenario playing out back then. Right here.

It all happened right here. It makes me feel queasy.

Jack carries on speaking. “She said no, of course. All those years of playing with me. Hinting there was something more. Giving me the oh, Jake and calling me up whenever there was any trouble. I thought she loved me. I thought we were victims of someone else’s greedy emotions. Someone who didn’t give a shit, but wouldn’t move on and let other people have a shot.”

“Me, you mean?” Leo says.

Jake nods. “I hated you for what you had. I hated you because you wouldn’t let it go, even though you didn’t want it. I thought you were the only thing standing in our way.”

Leo shakes his head. Looks at the sky through the jagged roof. “She really was a special kind of crazy,” he says.

“I was so fucking mad when I found out. So fucking mad that I was just a stupid part of her stupid fucking game. She had no fucking intention of burning this place down, not really. She just wanted to stack it all up for effect and make sure you’d be along to discover her at the last minute.” He stops speaking to collect his voice. “You always ran after her.”

“Not that day,” Leo says.

“Not that day,” Jake agrees. “So, that’s the first fucking thing that killed her. You didn’t come running.”

“I’ll take that,” Leo says. “I should’ve stopped her. She was crying out for attention and I let her starve.”

I love the way he can take responsibility for this shit so calmly, soaked to the skin in diesel in a room full of the stuff, with some crazy psychopath holding the reins.

He’s got a shit-ton more composure than I’d have in his position.

“She was a fucking idiot,” Jake says. “Playing with fucking fire so literally. She knew the stuff was unsteady. She knew there was too much of it up here.”

“I guess the need for drama outweighed the risks,” Leo says. “In her head.”

“I dunno what the fuck was going on in her head, Leo, but as soon as she told me she didn’t want me with her and never really had done, I lost my shit.”

My breath catches. What the fuck did he do?

“It was a stupid fucking place to light up a cigarette, but you know me. I’ve smoked around a shit ton of explosive vats before when I’m out on the job. I shouldn’t but I do. Did.”

And I know the rest. Leo does too.

Jake doesn’t need to say it, but he does.

“She must have disturbed some of the safety clamps in the trolley. That shit must’ve been leaking the whole time we were talking.”

Leo nods. “You threw the butt.”

Jake. “One split second of madness, because I was fucking angry. She was still in here, dicking about with shit she shouldn’t be. I was already storming away, heading out toward the loading bay. It was quick. The explosion sent me fucking flying. I thought I was fucking gonna die myself when I hit the ground.”

I know the rest and so does Leo. I’ve heard the rest.

I feel privy to secrets that don’t belong to me. I shouldn’t be listening but can’t look away.

Can’t leave him.

Jake’s face crumples. “It was me. I’m the one who killed her.” He blows this horrendous bubble of snot and pain from his nose, a wreck of misery as Leo looks down. “And now I have to go with her.”

“Or you fucking don’t,” Leo says. “You threw a fucking cigarette like a dumb fucking asshole. She piled a whole fucking arsenal of flammables in this space to cause a scene.” He pauses. “And me? I was a shit partner to Mariana. We didn’t match. Didn’t even come close. She was always pulling away as I was trying to rein her in. We were doomed from the minute Cam was born. I’m the one who didn’t run after her. She was crying her fucking eyes out that night, hissing her usual stream of shit and accusations. I didn’t care. I hoped she’d fucking go.”

Oh what a sorry fucking mess this is.

A whole circle of hurt.

I dare to hope Leo’s done now. That Jake will still let him leave.

“Go,” Jake says and answers my question. “Take the girl and go.”

But he doesn’t.

Leo doesn’t move an inch.

I cry out as he drops himself to the floor. Scream his name as he tips his head back and looks at the sky.

He’s sitting in a cocktail of disaster while his brother pulls a cigarette lighter from his pocket.

“Go,” Jake says again. “This ends here, Leo. I can’t stand the pain anymore.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Leo says and I could kill him myself.

“You gotta fuck off outta here!” Jake shouts, but Leo’s still shaking his head.

I’d go in and drag him out myself if I’d be able to move him. My hands are in my hair as I curse this whole sorry situation.

“Remember when we were little kids, and Serena got picked on by those guys down on Harrow Road? Remember that?”

Jake’s smile lights up. “I remember, yeah. We kicked the living shit outta them, you and me.”

“You and me,” Leo repeats. “Because we’re brothers. That’s what you said. We’re fucking brothers, Leo. We take care of our own, no matter what. No matter how fucking hard it gets.”

“I said that, yeah,” he agrees. “It was true, back then.”

“Still is,” Leo says. “You’ve just got to want to work at it.”

“It’s too fucking late for that,” Jake cries. “I fucked up. I fucked up real fucking bad.”

“And so did Mariana and so did I. We all fucked up, Jake. But we’re still fucking brothers.” He sighs. “If I was here again, with this place up in flames, I’d pull you out just like I did then.”

“You should’ve saved her first,” Jake blubs.

“I couldn’t fucking save her at all, no matter how much I wanted to.”

“Gotta set this place on fire,” Jake threatens. My heart pounds. “Get out now, or you’ll be coming with me.”

“Well, I guess I’ll be coming with you then,” he says.

 

* * *

 

Phoenix

 

I’m deadly serious.

My ass is in kerosene. My clothes stink of it. My hair stinks of it.

It’s all I can fucking taste, too.

My fucked up brother’s got a lighter in his hand and he’s on the verge of setting fire to us all.

But I can’t leave him.

“You’ve got stuff to live for,” Jake protests. “I fucking haven’t.”

“So make something to live for. Get sober. Help me build the business back up. Take up poker, or bowling and embroidery or any old fucking shit,” I hiss. “Just to get you on your feet again.” I chance brutal honesty. “And Jesus, Jake, stop fucking pitying yourself. You loved and lost, we all did. It’s shit but it’s life. Death is a part of life. No amount of guilt or hate is gonna change what fucking happened. Serena needs you. Hell, I fucking need you, when you’re not a barrel of walking suck.”

“I can’t, Leo. I can’t go on,” he says and I’m at the end of my tether, make or fucking break.

I shoot Abigail a look as she stares on in horror. I can just make her out in the shadows. Waiting for me.

I mouth ‘I love you’ in case it’s the only time I ever get to tell her, and then I bring this thing to an end.

He’s not expecting it as I spring like a fucking snake and tear that lighter from his fingers. He’s not expecting me to throw it as hard as I fucking can through the open roof and pray it lands innocuously on some piece of fucking dirt outside.

“You’re fucking crazy!” Jake grunts. He’s still on his knees. Pained to all fuck with his insane red eyes streaming tears as mine threaten to fall too. “I want to fucking die!” he screams, but I don’t care.

Not on my watch.

Never on my fucking watch.

It’s then that I hear the sirens in the distance. I thank my fucking stars I moved in time, before the idiot sonofabitch flipped his lid in panic and set the lot on fire.

I kneel down at his side as they get nearer, loving and hating him and pitying and despising him all at fucking once.

“You can slit your fucking throat in bed at night, Jake, or take a fucking overdose, or drink yourself to death. Whatever. But it won’t be now, and it won’t be on my fucking watch.”

He carries on wailing as my hand grips his shoulder.

I hear Abigail screaming at the oncoming vehicles. I’m still gripping Jack’s shoulder as the torches shine in my eyes.

“We’re alright,” I say. “Be careful, it’s flammable.”

They’re careful.

Careful as they pull us out of there and help us out of our clothes.

Careful as they scrub us of everything that could set us on fire and wrap us in fucking blankets.

They take Jake away in a cop car. I watch him all the way with the sirens blaring.

It hits me in the gut, despite everything.

Until I feel Abigail’s arms snake around my waist and hold me tight. “He’ll be alright,” she says, even though I know she’s as unsure as I am.

“I didn’t realise he was so fucked up,” I admit. “I should’ve realised a long time ago.”

I lift my arm and pull her under, hold her tight to my skin under the blanket. She snuggles in tight.

“That was crazy,” she says. “The scariest thing in the world.”

“At least we have all the pieces now. You can only start making sense of the picture if you have all the pieces.”

She nods. “So, what do we do now?”

I shrug. “Answer some questions for the authorities. Put this fucking place on the market, finally.” I smile. “Eat burnt lasagne in your kitchen.”

“It was burnt?” she asks, and her eyes are twinkling.

Relief, it’ll do that to you. I’m feeling it too.

“I’d say an eight out of ten on the burn factor, but that’s still edible, right?”

She shrugs. “Worth finding out, no?”

I fill in the paperwork for the people who are asking, and I answer all the questions in the air.

She waits for me in the truck, her eyes on me all the time.

She never looks away, not once.

I sigh when I finally slip into the driver’s seat. The dawn is breaking over the hills as we’re finally ready to roll.

I’ve spoken to Serena on the phone, and she’s already got Jake’s whereabouts.

They’ll keep us updated and all that jazz.

Which means it’s time for Sarah’s grandma’s special recipe, as Abigail keeps telling me.

She takes my hand as I start up the ignition. I feel thoroughly ridiculous in a blanket with my clothes in a disposable bag on the backseat, but I don’t give a fuck.

“You said we would get married tomorrow.” She laughs. “I think it’s technically tomorrow now.”

I smile back at her in the shadows. “You really wanna get married today?”

She shakes her head, but her smile is bright. “Maybe six months? Give me time to get to know Cameron. See if he’s okay with it.”

“Six months sounds fair,” I agree. “And you’ll be okay?” I dare to ask. “With Cam, I mean…”

Her smile sets my world on fire. “I know I’m going to love him,” she tells me. “Because he’s a part of you. I can’t think of anything better.”

I pull her close and breathe in her hair, and despite everything she still smells like coconut, and fear on the wind, and the woman I’m going to marry.

“I’m fucking starving,” I tell her, and she laughs.

“Me, too. Not gonna lie, I’m not feeling overly optimistic about that lasagne right now.”

But I am.

I just know it’s gonna be the best fucking meal in the world.

And if not, she’ll just have to eat the chocolate I bought her, maybe the flowers, too.

And me?

Well…

I’m just happy to eat her.