Hutch

I tore our cabin apart calling Blu’s name, but more and more I knew she wasn’t there.  So I set about opening all the damn stupid cabins I’d left open so I could seduce Dana.  Not that I regretted that, of course not.  But it would up being less than practical for reasons I couldn’t have foreseen.

Couldn’t you? I had to challenge myself.  You know how hurt Blu is, how vulnerable.  Even taking her out on this trip was a serious risk.  All this area with only so many people to look after her?  Stupid!

And worse, cavorting with that girl like you’re some jet-setting stud!  She may not be able to see through it, Preston, but you can’t fool me, you devious son-of-a-bitch!

But I had to cut myself off.  No, no, I’ve mourned my wife, it’s time to move on.  Blu needs a mother, I want a wife and not some vacation whore!  And it’s more than that, because Dana is more than that.  She’s special, Blu and I agree.  I’d never have risked Blu’s security and sense of wellbeing if she wasn’t worth it.  Lord knows I’ve had plenty of opportunities.

If Blu’s having a hard time understanding this, that’s something we can work through together.  It won’t always be easy, nothing ever is, and that’s something else Blu’s just going to have to learn to live with, the way we all do.

Room after room opened up in front of me, each as empty as the one before it; empty bathrooms, empty closets.

How like our life all of this is, I had to reflect.  A luxury cruise ship, room after room, empty.  It’s meant for a party, for a whole traveling community, not this echoing silence.  When we get back home, we have to fill our lives back up; with friends, with family, with love.  Blu’s going back to school whether she likes it or not, and Dana will be right there to help her ... and me ... through it.  Everything’s going to be different now, everything’ll be all right ... if we can just find Blu!

Never should have left her with that redheaded cow, I scolded myself.  That harpy shrew is either scheming or screwing up!  But I should have known better.  I’ve seen a parade of women like that, and they’re all the same.  Not Dana though, she’s not one of them.  Wrong to bring her back with me?  It’s practically necessary!

But what about her?  Is it what Dana really wants?  Will she really settle down for the first man she’s ever been with?  Maybe her old man is right, maybe she’s just carried away by all this.  Who wouldn’t be?  I keep forgetting how rich I am, how long I’ve been this rich, how little joy all this money can really bring.  To a girl like Dana, it must be overwhelming.

But I know Dana isn’t in it for the money, I don’t have any doubt about that.  She’s just not that impressed with it, and that’s part of what impresses me most.  She sees through that, and she can see through me.  I know she’s impressed with me, everything I’ve taught her and unleashed in her.  But other men will come along, younger and better-looking, with just as much money and charm.  Those things are fleeting and base, replaceable.  And she’s smart enough to know that.

But I had to shake it off.  That may be true, Dana’s smart enough to know, but too decent to care.  If I can just find Blu and all these other people will just back off and leave us alone, I know we’ll be okay!

But as the cabins trailed off and I lost track of which ones I’d unlocked, my heart started to beat faster and my mind wandering even farther, down darker roads. 

I can’t lose her, I heard my own voice say, chiming in the back of my brain.  I can’t lose them both.  I failed before, unable to stop those bastards ... or even to find them!  All this money, all this power, every resource, I couldn’t track down two or three guttersnipe bastard rapist murderers!  I won’t let that happen again, not again, not to Blu!

I shook my head, moving faster through that litany of locked doors, each one its own refusal, each one a rejection of my best efforts, each one a sign of my ultimate failure.

That damn money, I couldn’t help but think.  It doesn’t protect us, it makes us vulnerable!  If somebody grabbed Blu it could only be for a ransom!  What’s it all for, the money and the privilege?  Without the ones you love, without family, it’s all just a pile of shit!  I’d swap every dime, every penny ... then strangle to death the worthless bastards who would even think to do such a thing.

I tried to tell myself it was a foolish fancy, that such a thing really couldn’t happen, and that it wouldn’t happen, not to us.  But I knew better, from painful experience, and I didn’t think I would survive another lesson in that terrible truth.

Because there were other reasons Blu might have been snatched, and they nothing to do with greed or money, but with hungers of another sort.  I couldn’t bear to think of it and I pushed on, toward Blu or toward madness.