Chapter 33

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finn

Present Day

 

I leave Gia’s apartment, hating myself just a little more with each step I take. I have no answer for why I provoked that fight. No reason for why everything in my mind went south the moment she stepped into Ophelia’s bar. She’s right, I invited her there.

But the second she stepped into that bar, and I felt the familiar ache in my chest at seeing her, it all just became too much. The time of year. The Christmas party dress she bought. The fact she’s with another man who isn’t me. The fact I know she wants to be with me and isn’t because I don’t know how to trust anyone anymore.

Every little piece of it began to pile up on top of me until I was buried under it. Under the avalanche. All I could think about as she approached me was standing up and pulling her into my arms and kissing her until she had no choice but to belong to me. The need was crushing.

But it was more than that.

It was paralyzing.

I trust Gia. I believe that she cares for me. I believe that she may in fact love me.

But so did Kelly.

I never doubted Kelly’s love for me. Even after it all ended. I knew she had loved me at one point. But I also knew she had stopped. Somewhere along the way, after we lost Logan and I started my internship and life generally sucked for us as a couple, I lost her.

But it’s not like Kelly ripped out my insides in your typical fashion. She did it with flair. With charisma. She made sure the job was done right.

After I walked out of our apartment, with nowhere to go and a great big vacuous hole in my chest, I promised myself I was done. I mean, what the fuck good had love ever done for me? My father was a world-class bastard. Not just physically abusive, but mentally. Psychologically. He’d find just the perfect way to make you believe that he actually gave a shit before he’d rip the rug out from under you. And my mother? Please. She was just as bad. Sure she didn’t hit me, but she didn’t stop him and she never cared when I was bleeding and crying on the floor.

In fact, sometimes, she just walked away. Pretended like she never saw me like that.

So when Kelly came along, I absorbed all the love she was offering me, like a sponge. I needed it. I craved it. I went to tremendous lengths to keep it. Because at the end of the day, it felt like all I had. Like her love was the dividing line between being an actual human with real human emotions and wholly indifferent to that spectrum.

I never wanted to be the latter.

The moment I checked myself alone into that hotel room, I felt it. I felt myself becoming something dark. Something cold-blooded and hateful. Sure, I promised I’d never love again. That’s sort of the thing to do when you’re in that situation. When your wife uses your heart as a trampoline.

But I honestly hoped I wouldn’t keep that promise. I hoped that one day, I’d find someone I was capable of loving. If for no other reason than to keep me alive.

Then I met Gia.

The moment I saw her, I knew. I just fucking knew. She was that person. And in that moment, I was grateful for her. It’s why I went outside to talk to her. It’s why I was sweet and sympathetic and even flirty despite the inauspicious circumstances of her father’s death.

But hell, it was the first time any light had dared to venture into my dark world in such a long time. It’s why after she walked away, I thought about her. Imagined her.

Then she walked back into my life like a shining star, bright and fiery hot and so goddamn spectacular that there is no other word to describe her. I couldn’t stay away. And shit, did I try. In so many ways and so many times. I fell in love with Gia without even having to try. It was easier than falling.

Falling in love is a misnomer. When you fall, you hit the ground. Gravity takes over. It’s pure physics. There is no hitting the ground with her. There is no bottom with this. No end. No base.       

I told Gia that I love her. I don’t think she was all that shocked really, but I still said it. And I kissed her. Again. I kissed that sweet, luscious mouth which tastes like home and feels like heaven. Then I lied to her when I told her that’s all I would ever give her. Like we could just have sex and nothing more.

Fucking asshole!

I knew that would end it for her. I knew that would be the deciding moment where she finally got rid of me. I did it to force her hand, because there was no way I was ever going to be strong enough to tell her goodbye. She makes me so weak and yet so strong.

She’s built me back, piece by piece. Even if those pieces still have holes in them, I’m more complete with her than I’ve been in three years. Hell, in my entire life. The love I have for her is blinding.

But do I want to be blind again?

I missed so much. All of the warning signs with Kelly.

All the different ways she deceived me.

Turning the corner, I run my fingers through my hair, tugging on the end and growling out. People passing by must think I’m crazy, but I could give a shit what anyone thinks of me. Except Gia. What have I done to her? I should go back. I should go back and fix this because she’s never going to speak to me again.

And then what will I do?

Could I do this with her? Could I try for her?

Christ, I want to. I haven’t wanted to try anything with anyone in three years, but I want to with her. She might just be worth the risk.

Because when I’m with her, I forget the rest. I forget the pain and the past. I forget she has the power to annihilate me. I get swept up in her and nothing else matters.

What the hell have I done?

I’m going back. That’s it. Man the fuck up, Finn.

And suddenly, that thought has me smiling. It fills me with a sense of calm. A sense of…right.

Spinning back around, I slam directly into someone. The force of the impact knocks them off balance and they begin to teeter back. Instinctively I reach out to grab them, grasping onto their arm and pulling them back up.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologize quickly, but when I focus in on the person I just smacked into, my hand instantly drops back down to my side. My stomach sinks.

“Finn?” Kelly says, her brown doe-like eyes wide. Startled. Apprehensive.

We stare at each other for a moment and I realize the last time I saw Kelly was when she was naked, fucking another man in our bed on the anniversary of our son’s death. But then I notice the movement by her side and my eyes cascade down to see a little girl. Long white-blonde hair and big brown eyes and red chubby cheeks and a pink dress and I’m choking on my grief.

“Mommy?” she says, clearly uneasy with who this man is that is now staring at her.

“It’s okay, Gracie,” Kelly soothes, pulling her in closer to her side.

Gracie. Grace. Kelly named the daughter that is not mine, Grace.

The name I picked out.

I wonder if she’s sleeping in the room I painted. In the crib, I built. In the apartment, I once owned. But I imagine she’s too old for that crib. She’s close to three. And now that I turn my attention back over at Kelly, I notice she’s pregnant. Maybe about six months along. My eyes instantly water, but I can’t look away from them.

How could you do this to me, Kelly? How could you take this away from me?

“How are you, Finn?” Kelly asks softly, unable to handle my silent staring anymore. “You look well.”

Is that a joke? I can’t tell if that’s a joke or not. All I can focus on is the pain.

I want to run from it. Hide from it. Like I used to do when I was a little boy and my father would come home drunk from the club and beat me because I was there.

Forcing myself to pry my eyes away from the little girl who is not mine, I look at Kelly. She has tears in her eyes too. She swallows hard and shakes her head. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers and I choke down the tormented spasm strangling me.

Kelly squeezes Grace’s chubby hand a little tighter like she’s afraid I might try grab her and run off, and then she steps around me and walks away as quickly as Grace’s small legs can go.

I don’t know how long I stand here, picturing them in my head. Hours maybe, because now it’s very dark out and the streets are thinning out and I’m completely frozen through. Blinking back into focus, I notice I’m two buildings down from Gia’s.

Gia.

My eyes glide up the brick façade of her building and I wonder what she’s doing. She could be with Mason now for all I know. Even if she’s not, it doesn’t matter. I was a fool to imagine I could try for something real with her. I want to trust her. But I don’t. Running into Kelly just brought it all home for me. Everyone I have ever trusted has lied to me. Anyone I ever put myself out there for, has let me down.

I think I’d rather take a bullet to the head than put myself in that position again.

I lost Logan. And then I lost Kelly and Grace. If I lose Gia after having her, well, that will be it for me. I know it will. I’ll never make it back from that. I’ll end up like my father.

An angry alcoholic who only found joy in hurting others.

I refuse to turn into that. And I refuse to hurt Gia any more than I already have.

So I leave Gia’s street and I flag down a passing cab and I go home.

But I’m not even safe here. The moment I walk in my front door, I spy Gia’s Christmas present sitting on the island in my kitchen. I bought her an Apple Watch because she doesn’t have a watch and she was complaining she should probably get one. I got her one with a lavender sports band for work and a pretty leather band which I think she’ll like for when she’s out.

But I didn’t stop there because her iPhone is old and she’s too lazy and indifferent to get a new one. But I wanted her to have a new one because I want her to have the best of everything. Even if that will never include me.

I was eager to see the expression on her face when I gave it to her, but now I’m thinking it’s best if I send it. I can’t return it. I want her to have it too damn badly. Have this small piece of me, like the mug I gave her for her birthday which she uses for her coffee.

I need to sever all ties and go back to my small world which Gia Bianchi is not a part of.

I knew how to do that life. How to live in a world with nothingness and emptiness. I can do it again. A place where I’m untouchable.